


Of all the posibilities

by al3th3ia_ous1a_apor1a



Series: This Ancient Light [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, SuperCorp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:07:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 47
Words: 97,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23393761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/al3th3ia_ous1a_apor1a/pseuds/al3th3ia_ous1a_apor1a
Summary: Supercorp. Kara/Lena. Inspired by the balcony scene where Kara tells Lena she’ll stop her if she continues working with Lex in 5x13, but only semi-canon.It's fear, maybe.Possibly. Likely. Definitely.Fear.Utter fear that shakes you to your very core that you're left gasping, sputtering, positively dying in its wake.---"I know you're hurting, and I know I caused it and I can't make it stop. But please try to believe me when I say I'll never love anyone else the way, I love you. Not anyone, not ever."---"Do you know, sometimes, when you say my name, my world literally stops?"---"If this is our one chance, I want to love you for as much of it as possible.""I thought you said forever?""Always. You and I... We'll turn all these possibilities into forever."---"So even when it's stupid, even when it's impossible, even when it doesn't, when it can't matter at all, I want you to know I want you in my life in all the realities. I want you to know I have always wanted you. That I have always loved you.”---“Do you believe in fate, Lena?”“I’ll believe in anything that lets me love you forever.”
Relationships: Kara Danvers & Lena Luthor, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor/Supergirl
Series: This Ancient Light [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1844299
Comments: 404
Kudos: 612





	1. Possibly. Likely. Definitely.

And you think this might be the worst you’ve ever felt. 

Worse than the day you lost your mother and realized you would never again feel her arms around you; worse than the day you realized belonging to the Luthor family meant no real family at all, unfortunately, undeniably, and irreparably, ever; worse than watching your brother being eaten alive by his obsession and hate right before your very eyes and being positively powerless to stop it; worse than the numerous times your life has been in danger; worse than pulling that trigger; worse than falling in love with your best friend; worse than the hurt and betrayal of finding out the truth about Kara and Supergirl; worse than the hatred that engulfs your very soul on a near constant basis. 

It’s __fear, __maybe.

_Possibly. Likely. Definitely _.__

Fear. 

Utter fear that shakes you to your very core that you’re left gasping, sputtering, positively _dying _in its wake.__

____

____

You want to call her back, you want to beg her for forgiveness because you know, you know absolutely, wholly, positively, how she has fought for you.

You are apprised of _far _too much, _that _you know for certain. You know she fights for you at every juncture, every crossroad, every turn. And you despair because why hadn’t she told you _before _? Why now does she tell you how Supergirl fights for you? Why does she choose now to keep you informed of all the times Kara refuses to let you go? Why does Alex choose to tell you now? Why now when you already feel as though your heart has shattered into infinitesimal pieces lost with the multiverse? Why does Alex think now is a good time to bring you into the fold when you know she has staunchly been against letting anyone who posed any threat at all to her sister anywhere near the secret?______

_____ _

_____ _

Your heart hurts. It hurts at what you know and what you wish you didn’t, at what you aren’t strong enough to know. 

_You should hear what she says about you, Lena._ She had said. _You should see how she defends you, how she fights for you. You should look into her eyes and see how deeply you’re twisting that knife through her heart._ The words are short, clipped, almost emotionless, matter of fact. You almost can’t discern the anger she must be restraining but it’s far too strong, far too intense, far too desperate not come through the lines. 

_____ _

_____ _

And yet Supergirl has just left. _Kara _has just left, pulverizing what’s left of a heart you didn’t even know you still had.__

____

____

It’s not true. None of it is true anymore. Supergirl has given up. Kara has given up. You’ve pushed too hard, too far. You’ve pushed beyond what your friendship is capable of and it’s all finally broken. And finally you’re left alone again— the desolation of her betrayal, the blood on your hands, the hatred you’re barely able to keep at bay, all paling in comparison to the utter pain you feel at the certainty of her loss. 

Why did it have to be her? It could have been anybody but her. Why did she have to be Supergirl? Why did she have to be Kara? Why did she have to be your best friend? Why did it have to be her you’d fallen for so very very long ago and simply could not let go? Take even just one of it away and you think you wouldn’t have had to break. Take just one away and you think you would’ve been able to stay afloat instead of remaining leaden, drowning in emotions you cannot even name. 

You know there is fear. You know there is hatred. You know there is disappointment, desolation, misery, anger, and fury. 

And you think there may be love. Possibly. Likely. Definitely. _Love._

____

____

You had looked into her eyes tonight, and you had seen confidence and resolve. You had seen steel and the bright yellow of the sun. There was no knife twisting at her heart like Alex had said. There were no promises, no fire, no apologia. It was the best of Supergirl, the best of Kara, the best of your best friend. Her goodness, her righteousness, her unwavering dedication to her principles and the greater good. 

You really should have always known. You should have been able to tell. Not because her disguise was a pair of flimsy glasses and both had the same halo of blonde, but because _all _the good Supergirl has always embodied was all _Kara _was plus a massive ball of warmth pulled from all the worlds in the galaxy. You don’t wonder how you could not have seen because you know having found out at any time would’ve wrecked you just the same.____

_____ _

_____ _

You fell in love with her the moment she walked through your office doors. Name then still unknown, your heart leapt and fell, and there was no choice, no control, no question or acquiescence on your part. It had leapt and it had fallen and you’d been falling ever since.

You think you’ve done pretty well, façade after façade of control, even in the days when the very essence of your nightmares come out to play in the brightness of the sun. You’ve kept the façade of a semblance of control even when in truth you’ve always been powerless to the shadows that have kept you shackled. You have fought day in and out, to be strong, to be good. You have fought against greed and envy and hate and though difficult, you have mostly been successful. And you think to have been close to Kara, to have met her and have had her light in your life was your reward. And it would keep you focused on the right path, it would keep you strong and good however desperately the shadows clawed and pulled at you.

Kara had been your hope. Your one good, unbreakable, untarnishable light. 

And then it had all gone to hell.

In those brief moments, with a few well chosen words, you world had crumbled and you think you must have died. 

You were wrong, of course. Your world may have crumbled, your heart may have shattered, your very soul must’ve been through all the seven circles, but nothing compares to having her walk away from you the way she has tonight. 

You think it’s the end. 

Possibly. Likely. Definitely. 

It’s the end, you think, and still you can’t fathom how to stop falling.


	2. These Blinds

And it's your very own words, your very own promise that brings you to your knees a mere two weeks later. You'd been doing really well keeping your distance from Lena and all mentions of her. You had steeled you heart, stowed away your soul, pushed all your yearning into the deepest recesses.

You were doing so well, so so well. No fly-bys, no thumb hovering over your phone to call, no checking to see if there's anything at all from her. You've barely thought about her, most thoughts of her banished along with that yearning in your heart, the throbbing of your soul at the mere hint of her. You were doing so very well that you're now failing so spectacularly.

You don't know if it's the drawn blinds, though it possibly, likely, definitely, is, but you're suddenly angry. So very very angry. More angry than you've ever been since this whole "Kara is Supergirl" reveal with Lena. Angrier than you were through her confessions of revenge, angrier than you were at having weapons aimed at you, angrier than hearing about her working with her brother, angrier than the numerous times you'd apologized and she'd shut you down.

And you swear it's not a fly-by. A straight path is the shortest route, and you've put out two fires, averted three muggings, all on three hours of sleep and a full work day and a half running around the city. So no, your taking the shortest route home, despite the fact that it's past the L-Corp home base is in no way a fly-by.

But the moment you lay your eyes on those damned blinds, there's a torrent of blood rushing to your head, so loud, a raucous cacophony of fury running through your veins, that you it takes everything in you not to blast your way in. The breaths you take as you hover outside barely work and all you accomplish is to not shatter the glass and those damned drawn blinds separating you from her.

Your anger dissipates the second you walk in. In your anger you had not listened for anything, not checked if Lena was even in, but _never _, not _ever _had those blinds ever been drawn, and really, how _dare _she, how dare she draw them? Had you not done exactly as you'd said? Had you not given her space? Had you not given her time? Had you not left all the decisions up to her? Had you not already let her hold all the power?______

__

__

____

____

But there she is, slumped against the couch, empty glass of scotch on the rug mere centimeters from her fingers and the insurmountable pain that always accompanies the knowledge of how you've hurt her claws its way to the surface, threatening to break you right where you stand. You say her name, soft and reverent, an ode, a song, a prayer.

"Lena." Louder, firmer, she doesn't stir.

"Lena." Again, the desolation you feel creeping up as tears fall unbidden from your cheeks as you see the same on her sleeping face marring porcelain skin in the dim moonlight.

Again, "Lena." Soft again, fervent. She moves but only to curl her arm beside head. You kneel next to her, your breath catching, and you will yourself to stay quiet, you will the despondency to abate.

Your hand hovers above her, unbidden, and before you know you're doing you're cupping her cheek, desperately praying she doesn't wake so you can have just one more moment, just one short moment, to love her in the darkness. It'll be enough to get you through this, through all of this, you know. It must. It must. Because you won't lose her. It isn't an option.

At some point, Lena _will _forgive you. Lena _won't _hate you.____

_____ _

_____ _

It's your most paralyzing fear, the absolute most paralyzing of all your fears, up there on the tier of the Earth meeting the same fate as Krypton. Yes, losing Lena Luthor is akin to losing an entire world. It's losing _your _world.__

____

____

So yes, this will end. This _must _end. Because there is no way you're going to lose her.__

____

____

"Lena," it's a whisper, a prayer wrapped in a name. Your heart constricts painfully and you banish all rational thoughts and concerns of are you even allowed to touch her and how furious she would be if she knew, to the darkest abyss. You can't change the past, you can't control the future, but in this moment, in the moonlight barely filtering in through those damned drawn blinds, you have her. And you'll take it even if it's selfish, you'll take it even if lasts no more than a few heartbeats.

Any heartbeat where you have Lena Luthor even if it's only in the dark, even if she doesn't know what she's giving, even if it can potentially break you further despite having done so well the past weeks, is not something you can ever turn away from.

"I'm right here, Lena." It's a promise you make her again. "I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere." It's barely more than a whisper but you mean every word. "Whatever you're feeling, whatever it's saying, I'm right here. I'm right here and I just… I just need you to see me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for dropping by!


	3. Wash it all away

You take your heartbeats, your moment, and even though you know it isn't enough, for nothing, not even a lifetime with Lena Luthor will be enough, you let it end. You take her into your arms, and for a brief moment, you're afraid she'll wake and demand you leave her be. You're not afraid of her anger or of her demands, what you're afraid of is that this time you'll be unable to give her what she wants, because despite your own rationality, little has ever made you so powerless to your own desires as Lena Luthor does.

You are granted small mercies when despite her stirring, she never actually wakes. And gently, slowly, cradled in your arms, you fly her home. Her balcony door is unlocked but as you approach, you note with slowly mounting anger yet again that her drapes are drawn. Again. Again. And the anger is once again rekindled in you and you place her less than gently on her bed.

"Lena." This time it's loud. This time it's loud and it's insistent, it's very purpose to wake. "Lena."

And so she does, waking, startling, her eyes widening at the sight of you. You note relief in her eyes, relief in those beautiful eyes you're madly in love with and the surprise of seeing anything other than anger in them almost makes you weep.

"Kara?" She slurs a bit, shaking her head to perhaps clear what must be an alcohol induced haze.

With your enhanced senses you simultaneously see and even vaguely feel a vein at her temple throbbing minutely and you take a deep breath to calm yourself. The fear and anger and exaltation you feel at being this close to her in her current state and under the circumstances and what has transpired in the past few months is making you heady. Anger is at the forefront and somewhere along the line, you've realized that anger is perhaps the only emotion you haven't properly shown Lena yet. And that, at the moment, is something you have a surplus of.

"For someone so brilliant, you're behaving like a complete idiot."

Her eyes widen again in surprise and they remain so as you head off to the kitchen to get her a glass of water and some pills for what you don't doubt is a massive headache.

You hold them out to her and she stares at them like they hold the answers to the universe. She looks properly trashed and you know she must be to some extent because she hasn't kicked you out yet, and despite it, you can't help but marvel, note and savor every second you get to watch her be.

"Drink." It's an order. Your anger hasn't abated, her lack of focus and coordination fueling that simmer.

She'll feel like hell in the morning and though a large part of you wants to take care of her and just let her off for absolutely everything, you remember the blinds and you remember the drapes, and you remember the unlocked doors.

Lena Luthor is brilliant. There's not a chance in hell those don't mean anything and if she's going to put your very soul to the thresher, she better be there to sew you back together again. And the doors are unlocked. They're _unlocked. ___

__"Jesus, Lena." You bite out. "Drink!"_ _

__Her eyes tear, and for a second, for half a hearbeat, your anger falters and your heart constricts so painfully that you let out an audible gasp. Her eyes meet yours and you note the very moment they harden, and you will yourself to keep despair at bay._ _

__Slowly, and with great determination, you note, she takes the pills from you and does indeed drink._ _

__It's a few long seconds afterwards, but she doesn't meet your eyes again. You take the glass from her, placing it on the nightstand as you head into her closet to find her something to wear. You take a second to steel yourself because it's _Lena. _It's _Lena _and all you really want to do is take her into your arms and confess the world to her. But you can't. You can't and you know this woman will put you through the wringer before the sun rises again._____ _

______When you return to the bedroom, you see her having trouble taking her heels off. You watch her, willing tears away because truly, to be with Lena in any and all the ways is your most precious dream. She lets out a soft growl of frustration and it spurs you to help her relieve herself of them. You kneel before her, silent, fingers moving deftly and efficiently to slip the heels off her feet. The look on her face when you meet her eyes is indecipherable but it still completely takes your breath away. For a moment neither of you speak, and you will yourself to, only because despite your anger, you want to alleviate as much of the pain and hell she's going to feel in the morning._ _ _ _ _ _

______"Take a shower or you'll feel disgusting tomorrow."_ _ _ _ _ _

______"What're you doing here?" She responds quietly, her eyes searching._ _ _ _ _ _

______You heart positively throbs at the question. She's mostly awake and still she hasn't asked you to leave._ _ _ _ _ _

______"I can draw you a bath instead."_ _ _ _ _ _

______Her eyes narrow, anger and something you can't quite identify looming._ _ _ _ _ _

______"Either way," you continue as if you don't see, "You need to wash the day off of you."_ _ _ _ _ _

______"You don't get to tell me what to do, Supergirl."_ _ _ _ _ _

_______Supergirl, _okay. Still, she's not asking you to leave, that's certainly something. And honestly, even through your anger it's as though your very soul is jumping in jubilation. You're not wrong. You know you're not.__ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"I'm not above stripping you, Ms. Luthor."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Her eyes widen in alarm and she squeaks out your name unbidden. "Kara!"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________Kara, _good. You raise an eyebrow, the very way you've seen her raise hers hundreds of times. "Yes, Lena." You respond, your tone even. "You can either go by yourself or I can take you. Either way," you repeat, "you're washing up."__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She glowers for a moment before she winces and raises a hand to her temple. You barely stop yourself from reaching for her but somehow you manage to in time and she takes a couple of deep steadying breaths before she reaches out an arm gesturing for you to hand over the clothes you've taken._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________You wait for her to disappear into the bathroom, wait for the water to start running before you're flying and super-speeding home to grab the quickest shower of your life and dress into your favorite sweatpants and an old worn slightly oversized t-shirt. You don't take time to think about what you're doing, all you think about is how Lena has not kicked you out yet and you're going to take every second, every moment, every heartbeat more that she gives you tonight._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________The water has stopped running when you get back but Lena is still not back in the bedroom. You listen closely to make sure she hasn't actually left in the very short time you've been gone and you have to will yourself not to barge in when you hear her faintly sniffling behind the closed doors._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________You force yourself to go out into the kitchen and make tea. Something to calm your nerves, something to calm hers, something to maybe even help keep her awake just for a little bit longer. Anything, anything to prolong this night._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________You bring two steaming mugs into her bedroom and her breath catches at the sight of you. You note how her face breaks just that little bit when she takes you in and in that moment you hope she understands what you're so fervently hoping for—that you can be both Supergirl and _her _Kara. You hope she sees what you want her to see. You hope she understands what you desperately need her to understand.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________"What're you doing here?" She asks again as you place your mug on a nearby table and place hers on the nightstand beside her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________You hazard a look into her eyes and though you see them clouded and unreadable, you take heart at the fact that yet again she hasn't asked you to leave. And by God and Rao, you'll take it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________"You drew the blinds. And the drapes."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Her mouth gapes open in shock and it takes her more than a moment to get her bearings._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________"You gave up." She responds tersely._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________"Excuse me?!" and it's more than a challenge. You're daring her to repeat herself. In what inane universe does she get off accusing you of giving up when all you've done is fight for her from the very moment you laid eyes on her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Lena doesn't respond, but no, she doesn't get to walk away from this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________"I have _never _given up, Lena. Not on you, not on us."___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________And there's tears and fire in her eyes and she's hurtling the mug you've given her across the room. "You don't get to say that, Kara."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"Say what?!"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"I think it's time you - -"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________And you won't let her say it. Because in that moment you realize you don't have it in you to be away from her a second longer. Not tonight. Not this night. Your nerves are frayed in exhaustion, avoidance and barely compartmentalized misery, and having her so close to you, you truly just _can't. _____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"You get to be angry, Lena. You get to rant and you get to rage and you get to make your bad decisions and your mistakes, but you do not get to walk away from us."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"You don't get to do that anymore, Kara! You don't get to lie and break me again!"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"I'm not lying to you!" and you are no more grateful than you are at this moment for Lena's vast fortune and how seriously she takes her privacy because the walls of your rent controlled apartment will certainly have your neighbors rapping at your doors with both your volumes. "When will you stop wallowing in your anger and pain long enough to think about everything we could lose. Everything you give up, you take not only from you but from me. How can you not know how much you mean to me? How can you not see how important you are? "_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________And she's looking at you like she doesn't understand a word you're saying at all and the absurdity of how she truly cannot seem to understand ignites and brings to the fore your own feelings of betrayal. "Or _do _you know? You _do, _don't you? You know exactly how much it hurts me for us to be this way? You know exactly what you're taking from me."_____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________"Stop lying, Kara." She says again, and this time she's pleading as tears run uninhibitedly down her cheeks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________And you almost stop, you really almost do because you can see how you're hurting her. You can see how deeply she's hurting in this moment and truly you do not know how to make it go away._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________"You're my best friend, Lena." you say quietly, fighting and losing to your own tears. "I could never love anybody else the way I love you. Don't take that away from me. Please."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________"I don't think there's any more left of me to break." Lena replies softly, falls to the bed, her shoulders shaking. "You know what I've been through, Kara... You know everything I've been through and nothing, nothing has broken me as horribly as this has."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________"I never meant for it to." You whisper kneeling in front of her. "You get to be angry. You get to want to punish me and make me feel as horrible as you want to make me feel. But don't walk away from us. That won't just _break _me, Lena. It'll _kill _me."_____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________And she's looking at you like she still doesn't understand but maybe, you think, just maybe she can bring herself to believe you. And so you tell her again for it's the closest to the truth as you can get in this moment. "I know you're hurting, and I know I caused it and I can't make it stop. But please try to believe me when I say I'll never love anyone else the way, I love you. Not anyone, not ever."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	4. Oh, fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Lena

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always felt like Kara didn't get into this mess alone and she shouldn't have to get herself out alone either. I also think it's a big factor to help Lena heal, everyone else making their own amends, especially Alex.

And it's weeks before see her again. You continue working with your brother because despite what Supergirl thinks, you'll prove to her you're not wrong.

You don't draw either your blinds or your drapes again and though you don't see her, there's at least one very unhealthy treat left on your table at two pm every day. The notes don't come until the second week, starting with one word - EAT - and really, the nerve of that woman thinking she can tell you what to do, until they're full on letters where she tells you about her day, her little accomplishments, her frustrations, all as your old Kara would have done had you been speaking. Often she asks you how you are. She writes asking you your opinion on things she can't possibly need it for, but not once do you respond.

You've always thought the world of Kara and only once have you ever really been disappointed. If she can figure out what you were thinking when you drew your blinds and your drapes, she certainly knows what it means for you to actually eat what she brings and for you to take what she's written instead of leaving them untouched and unread.

You didn't think it was possible to fall further for her but you do. You're still afraid to trust her, still afraid to let go of your anger, but the hatred is starting to dissipate as each day you wait for glimpses into her day when you've so staunchly denied her yours. You take- over and over you take and she lets you. And all the while you keep in mind the two things she's told you. That if it comes to it, she'll stop you like she would any other villain, and that she will never love anyone the way she loves you.

And that sends you into a tizzy, it does. Because god, she's your best friend. The lying, the deception, the betrayal- none of it has changed that, and neither has it stopped you from falling further in love with her. You'll never love anyone the way you love her either and whether that's because she's your best friend or not, you really can't tell. The way you feel about Kara is so infinitely unique to anything you've ever felt. So even when you don't trust her you take it, even when you're afraid, you hold on to her words like you've never held on to anything before.

It's become such an integral part of your day that when you suddenly don't hear from her at the usual time you actually panic that something has happened to her. It doesn't help that Alex doesn't take your calls and you've just about resolved to break into the DEO mainframe so you can check on her when your secretary is suddenly informing you that Agent Danvers is there to see you.

Your heart plummets. It positively stops and only the fact that you're already sitting keeps you upright. There can only be one reason Alex is there and Kara is not. There's only ever one reason now that Kara and Supergirl are one and the same, and you realize in that moment that that hatred pumping in your heart since you found out about Kara and Supergirl isn't actually hatred at all - it's _Fear._ It's fear so deep and great that it puts all the shadows of your past to absolute shame. Kara _is_ Supergirl and because of that she will never be safe. Never. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, _Kara_ will always be in danger and there is nothing you can do about it.

And yes, of course you're angry that she kept the truth from you. You're positively livid that she's been actively lying to you for years. You feel betrayed, you feel as though you've been made a fool of by absolutely all your friends for years and years and years. You are furious, absolutely, positively, undeniably furious. But what truly eats at you is the knowledge now that Kara, your Kara has almost died more times than your fragile human heart can handle. Supergirl isn't just a figure of hope. She's not just some mentor or super hero saving you and National City and the world literally on a daily basis, she's _Kara._ It's Kara. Your Kara whose life is on the line. Your Kara who has almost died before your very eyes on far too many occasions, and even more times wherein you only found out afterwards, and likely even more times that you still don't know about.

You are furious about the knowledge that you could've lost Kara over and over again without knowing it. You're beyond furious at how close you've gotten to losing her without anyone ever having deemed it vital for you to know that your very best friend was dying. The number of times you have helped Supergirl save the world, the number of times you have helped _save_ Supegirl - did no one think to tell you exactly how much you had at stake every time you were called on to help? Did no one understand that Kara is your world?

But God, no, of course they didn't. Of course they don't know.

You're close to hyperventilating in fury and fear at the thought of something terrible having happened to her, because why else is Alex there to see you? Why else, now that they see you as a villain? Why else, now that Kara is Supergirl?

"Christ, Lena." Alex snaps the second walks through your doors, the second she lays eyes on you. "You're a mess."

And normally that would make you angry. But it's fear that wins, always _fear,_ because nothing makes you as weak as knowing Kara is in danger. 

"Where is she?" It's barely audible, you're fighting not to fall apart.

Alex's forehead scrunches in confusion before her face breaks in recognition. "She's fine."

"Alex, please..."

"She's fine, on a mission off-earth. Made me promise to bring you this if she's not back in time."

You bang your hand against your desk, breathing slowly. Alex is silent, merely watching you. You will yourself not to rage at her, all the while cursing yourself for your sheer weakness at showing any emotion at all. This is _not_ who you are. This is not the Lena Luthor who has rebranded L-Corp and who has strived to redeem the Luthor name. This is not the Lena Luthor who has faced down hundreds of boardrooms and gotten her way despite the greedy wiles of much older experienced sexists who think far too much of themselves.

"Will that be all?" You manage, your voice less steady that you would like for it to be.

"No, Lena, it isn't." Alex responds softly. She closes the door behind her before walking towards you, stopping just short of intruding into your personal space.

"She's fine, Lena." She repeats looking into your eyes. "She's already on her way back."

You nod, willing your still wildly beating heart to calm. _She's fine,_ you tell yourself, _she's fine._

Alex is silent as she waits for your to regain your bearings and though you've gotten much closer to her in the past years, you've never, more than in this moment been as grateful as you are for her gentleness. Gentleness that isn't often enough seen by this world. And in this moment you understand and forgive her far more readily than you're able to fully forgive Kara. Alex is both Kara's and Supergirl's fiercest protector and you know with her at the helm, even if it means she doesn't trust you enough to let you in, your world isn't going to shatter without one hell of a fight.

She smiles at you, softly, kindly, as though she can see what's going on in your mind. "I'm sorry, Lena." It's simple, to the point, but no less heartfelt than all the times Kara herself has said it.

You don't need any more and she seems to know. She seems to know that better than anyone, you would understand that she's always done everything to protect her sister and will always continue to do so.

It's quite overwhelming, the things she's telling you, the things she's letting you see and you've stayed quiet, soaking it all in, all the while not really knowing what to do with it all.

"I know you're angry..." she starts, her voice soft, her eyes gentle. "At her. At all of us. And yes, you have every right to be. But I've seen you, Lena... I've seen how you look at her. I know you love her. And I know you're afraid. To trust her, to trust yourself. But I also know how strong you are. I know how extraordinarily strong you've had to become to withstand everything that you have, and you _are._ YOU ARE. "

She's quiet for a few seconds, merely gazing at you.

"It's okay to forgive her. It doesn't make you weak to forgive her. It makes you exactly who you are - strong, and brave, and kind, and wise. That's who you are Lena. It's who you have always been."

She stands, sighing softly as she turns away from you. She's almost out the door before she stops and turns back as though she's forgotten something. She looks at you, weighing her words before she speaks.

"I know _how_ you love her, just as I know how she loves _you._ And I know you'll never forgive yourself if you lose her without you fighting by her side."

Your response is immediate, it's out before you realize you've spoken. "I'll make it so she doesn't have to fight at all."


	5. Before the sun rises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of my first faves.

It must be close to sunrise when you arrive at her apartment, coat over your favorite pair of royal blue silk pajamas, hands, knees, your whole body shaking with nervous energy.

You stopped thrice on the way over, the _first_ because an old pick up almost clipped you, the _second_ because that must have been a sign telling you what a stupendously stupid idea it is to go to her- one you had shot to hell because no unnamed greater being gets to dictate what you can and can't do- and the _third_ because God, are you really going to do this? Are you really strong enough to do this?

You don't know if you are, you really don't. Because this is easily the hardest thing you've ever done in your entire life. Yes you run a multibillion dollar company, yes you've survived countless attempts on your life, yes you stopped a Daxamite invasion, yes you found a way to synthesize both Kryptonite and Harun-El, yes you've helped save the world a dozen different ways from over a dozen different people over a dozen different times, and yes, god, yes you've had to pretend for months and not show absolutely everyone in your life the fury raging inside you. But this, this thing you're doing tonight, this morning, it's harder even than having had to tell Kara how angry you truly were, how you'd plotted and used her, how you'd betrayed her... It's even harder than that. Even harder than walking away from her.

And so you stand at her door, feeling the seconds tick by, the minutes. You're not certain whether you're convincing yourself to stay or leave, frozen and terrified and... Yearning.

For the first time in months, in what positively feels like forever, there's a hollowness in your chest that can't be filled by anger and fear. There's a spark inside of you, a fire that won't die down, a restlessness, a call. And it's towards her you find yourself drawn. Her. Always to her.

Your heart is beating a loud steady thrum against your ribs and for the n-th time you wonder if you're strong enough for this, if you're brave enough for this. You feel slightly faint and feverish and as you hold out a hand to the wall to steady yourself, the door opens slowly to reveal Kara, her brows furrowed in concern.

"Lena..." she breathes softly, as though you'd flee if she spoke any louder.

You don't respond, your heart beating even faster and harder than before and you clutch a hand to your throat as you take her in.

She's in a pair of yellow duck pajamas you've never seen, but is so quintessentially Kara, her hair in a messy bun, curls barely reigned in. Her eyes bore into you, bright and blue and tender and kind and...

No, no. Yes. Yes. Maybe? Possibly?

You watch each other in silence, the seconds, the minutes, they continue to tick. You laugh softly, nervously and her face breaks into a soft smile. Her head tilts in silent questioning as she holds out a hand for you to take.

Her mouth forms your name but she doesn't make a sound. She's waiting for you to make your choice, she's telling you she's right there.

And you think maybe you wouldn't have been brave enough, maybe you wouldn't have been strong enough if she wasn't right there waiting, reaching for you, just waiting for you to reach back for her. But she is. She is and so you are. For her you'll be brave, for her, tonight, this morning, you'll be strong.

Her hand is warm against yours and slowly, she leads you inside. It's still dark outside and her apartment is barely visible in the pale moonlight and you stumble. She catches you, steadies you, her arms circling around you. "I've got you," she whispers, leading you to the couch.

You shiver as wind filters through the windows and in a flash Kara's gone and back again wrapping a fleece throw over your shoulders. In the darkness you're barely able to see her beside you but you feel her hands around both of yours. You give her hands a light squeeze in gratitude and you see her smile, a smile that makes your heart flutter and your soul ache.

"Did I wake you?" you whisper.

She shakes her head. "Can't seem to sleep much these days," she admits.

Your voices are soft, your movements slow and unhurried. The world is calm, asleep, steady.

You're quiet again, and she merely looks at you, equally silent. She's still holding your hands firmly in hers and you briefly wonder if she thinks you're going to change your mind and run.

"Kara?"

"Hmm?" She responds, absentmidedly rubbing her thumbs over your hands.

For a moment you forget what you're going to say because you're tired. You're so tired and for the first time in forever you're not angry. You can feel fear licking at your heart, waiting to be let in, but you're steeling your soul, you're refusing to let it overtake you. "Do you think I could stay here tonight?"

And she's smiling again, so soft, so tender. "I'd like nothing more."

She stands, pulling you up with her and she leads you to the bed. She motions for you to let her help you with your coat, and once it's off, she's holding up the covers, waiting for you to get in.

You sigh the moment your body hits the bed. You've been so tired for so long and it's so warm and soft and smells intoxicatingly of Kara, and sweetness and light, and... And... No. Not now. It's much too much already. You're not that brave yet.

You listen to her flit around the room, she's drawing the curtains, locking the door. You turn on your side to face her when she gets into the bed and you sigh again when she reaches out a hand for yours. It's dark, still dark, too early, much much too early, so you say nothing and simply look into her eyes, reveling in the feel of her hand, the sound of her breathing, the peace in your heart.

"What would you like for brunch?" she asks you, biting her lip.

"Breakfast?" You ask.

"Brunch." She replies solidly, but her eyes, her eyes they plead with you.

She's buying time. She's buying you both time. Your eyes tear in understanding. She's not letting go. She's fighting and she's holding on. She's reaching out and she's waiting. For _you._ _For you._

She wipes your tears away, silently, her face pained. You squeeze her hand and try your damned hardest to give her a small smile. She squeezes your hand right back.

"Not coffee eclairs, not scones... Not a cappuccino." You breathe out.

"Lena..." it's a strangled cry and you can't bear it. You didn't come here to make her cry.

You cup a hand to her cheek willing her to see, willing her to feel. "Pizza and pot stickers." You tell her. "Cold pizza and pot stickers, how does that sound?"

"Awful," she tells you, and you laugh. You laugh and laugh and laugh, and she laughs along with you. It's the lightest you've felt in forever and when this time she gazes into your eyes, that soft look in her eyes, you're safe enough to let yourself think it- bright, blue, tender, kind, _loving._

"Sleep," she whispers with a small smile despite the tears that still shine in her eyes.

"It's morning." You respond.

"Not yet." She insists, voice still soft, eyes finally playful. "There's enough time for sleep."

"Pancakes," You whisper. "And bacon."

Her smile widens, her eyes alight.

"For lunch." You add.

You'll buy you both time. You'll take the hand that's reaching for you. You'll fight and you'll hold on. You'll meet her more than halfway.

"Lena..." And she sounds so broken her pain rocks you to the very core and you struggle not to drown.

"Sleep, Kara." You whisper as you fight off tears.

Her response is immediate, "Stay, Lena... Please stay."

And you know she's asking for much more than just this morning, much more then just this night.

"Sleep." It's a promise you dare not make.

She takes your hand again, clutching it firmly against her chest and finally, as your eyes drift shut you let yourself think it, you let yourself feel it even just for a moment - _home._


	6. Rise

There's a crisis of massive proportions. A crisis bringing National City to its knees. Women, men, children, parents, sons and daughters, all succumbing to disease and death. It isn't alien, not from what you and the DEO can discern. And there's little you can do as well. You're running out of steam, your heart breaking at each mother you're flying to the hospital, each father intubated, each child falling into a coma.

Lena has shut herself into her laboratory the moment the tolls reached the double digits. She and Alex have been working tirelessly for days and though you note the exhaustion on both their faces, it's the horror on Lena's face that you can't shake. You know Alex steers clear of the monitors, focuses all her energy on the samples and the spreadsheets, cogs diligently working without respite and barely any air, but Lena... Lena doesn't work like that. Lena's brilliance has never been just because of her mind, synapses firing faster and more efficiently than 99% of the human population, dots connecting, puzzles fitting, mysteries being unfolded- no, it's brilliance fueled by her unfailing heart filled with goodness down to its smallest particle.

She wades through those images, the faces of those children in unnatural slumber, the fathers unable to breathe on their own, the mothers separated from their children. Lena watches them, her heart breaking over and over at each whimper of pain, at each moan and groan and cry. She notes then, tabulates them, remembers them. She remembers their names, their ages, their faces, and only allows herself to despair for no more than a few seconds when their hearts stop.

She sees each person, each soul, each spark of life and potential, and she fights for them. She thinks she's got it handled, that the millions of boxes she's hidden away inside of herself are deep enough, that they don't touch her, but you know better. You know when Lena drinks too much and remembers someone she's lost because she wasn't good enough, or strong enough or fast enough. Most days you think Lena is really Earth's very own Supegirl and the world just can't see it because she's a Luthor.

It's true what you said once, the Luthor name does not deserve her. The Luthor name has always tarnished Lena's goodness, but she's who she is because of it, because of everything she has been through and you love her. Every bit of her. _Even_ the _Luthor_ name. Because Lena redefines it. She redefines _everything._ Everything you've ever thought, everything you've ever known. You're super and you're bullet proof. You have enhanced senses, x-ray and heat vision, freeze breath, super speed and flight, but Lena... Pure human Lena with her fragile human body saves the world like its what she was born to do and when really does the world see?

You hate yourself for it, for saying those words that night, for hinting that she is anything other than good. It wasn't fair of you, no, it really wasn't, but Lex is involved and the past makes you afraid. You need Lena to see, need so desperately for her not to let him infect her with his darkness.

But you should believe in her more, believe in her strength and bravery, her goodness and her will. Lena is strong, and that goodness that she has is not one that can be reigned in. You've seen it for years, seen how deeply she's sought to make this world better for all, and you hate how you've wavered because your know her. _You know her._ And she deserves so much more from you.

One of the monitors beep, another child is coding and you watch Lena take her moment to break, anguish clear and utterly heartrending on her beautiful face. The doctors and the nurses work, Lena's eyes trail their every move up until the second they pronounce the time of death. She takes another moment, no more than a handful of heartbeats to hide her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking. But then it passes, she's stowed it away deep inside into another little box that will eat at her in the quiet.

She moves to the computers cross referencing the most recent slew of hospitalizations all across the metro, more than half of whom you yourself have brought in, absorbing, noting, trying to make the differences fit so they may illuminate and something can finally be done.

You know you're needed outside, but you're taking your own moment to reassure yourself that your own world is safe and well and whole. You've just sent your sister down to one of the quarters with a tablet of diazepam from Kelly, correctly citing her need to rest or she may succumb to something similar thereby rendering her unable to help further. Only the fact that she was already practically asleep on her feet and has been awake and at work since it all started has her now safely ensconced in what you hope is dreamless sleep.

Lena, you know, right now, will be more difficult.

"Hey," your voice is softer than you mean for it to be but she still startles.

"Supergirl," she breathes out as her hand jumps to cover her racing heart.

You hold up a Big Belly Burger bag in one hand and the other in mock surrender. "I come bearing dinner." You tell her solemnly.

She rolls her eyes at you good naturedly, even manages a small smile but she shakes her head. "Thank you, but I'm really not hungry."

"Have you eaten anything at all today?"

"Of course," she's quick to respond, "I had..." her brows furrow in concentration. "I must have had something."

"Sit." You demand.

"I've still got so much to do..."

"Lena," you start, squaring your shoulders, making sure to look into her eyes. "if you do not eat at least half this burger I will tranq you and fly you home." It's an empty threat, you really wouldn't dare, but Lena doesn't need to know that.

She bites her lip, considering your words for a moment before she takes one last look at the monitors and sighs. "Don't you know Luthors don't take well to threats?" she says as she reaches for the bag, forcefully snatching it out of your hand and unceremoniously plopping herself onto a chair.

Your heart flutters at her antics and for a moment you forget everything wrong with the world. Just for a moment Lena makes everything right.

"It had its desired effect," you quip dragging a chair and sitting beside her.

She raises an eyebrow in challenge, her eyes sparkling. "Perhaps it's not as much of a threat as you would think."

And you can't help it, you beam at her. She smiles at you softly and you don't notice you're doing it, reaching for her, until her hand is safely in yours. You've missed her. You've really missed her and you'd truly like nothing more than to take her home - hers, yours, whoever's turn it is, it doesn't matter, just as long as it's with her.

"Did you buy them out?" she asks, squeezing your hand as she looks into the bag.

"Pfft," you reply, "three is hardly buying them out."

She hands you a burger and though she takes one for herself, she doesn't open it, and merely plays with the wrapper.

"Lena..."

"Hmm?" She responds, but her eyes have a faraway look in them.

You squeeze her hand again, hoping it brings her back to you, but when she does, you see a tinge of anguish in them again.

"How many?" You whisper.

She sighs. "Too many."

"How many, Lena?" You prod. You know she knows. She talks a good game but you know her.

"Twelve more." It's matter-of-fact, her voice steady and strong.

"How many children?" You know those are what get to her the most.

She's silent.

"Lena..."

"Five."

"You're doing everything you can." You assure her.

"Well, it's not good enough." She snaps. You squeeze her hand, holding on to her tightly. You say nothing because you know exactly how she feels.

"There's a little boy..." she continues after a long silence. "Alonzo. He's only four years old and he's an orphan. His parents were killed two years ago and there's nobody there with him."

Her eyes shine with undisclosed tears but you also see the fire behind them. "He could die... And he's all alone. He's so young and he's all alone, Kara, and he's going to die if I don't figure this out."

You pull her into your arms, squeezing her tightly. You know it's tearing her up inside. There's days the itty-bitty little boxes don't work. There's days where there's nowhere near deep enough to bury them.

"You'll figure it out, Lena." You promise. "I know you. If anyone can figure this out, it's you."


	7. These days and nights with you

It ends. With far too many deaths, far too many families forever incomplete, far too many souls lost and grieving, with far too much light wasted... But it does end. You take Lena home, home to hers, and she pulls you into bed with her and you hold her as she finally cries herself to sleep.

People outside are celebrating, another end of the world averted, millions of lives safe again until the next crisis, and yet the very woman who has saved them, their very hero, has bowed under the weight of grief. Five hundred thirty five. Five hundred thirty five people in eight days, ninety-seven children, and you wouldn't be surprised if Lena knows all their names by heart.

Your arms tighten around her and you press a kiss to her temple.

"Kar," she mumbles sleepily.

"Go back to sleep." You whisper.

"Time?"

"Late." You tell her. "Early. Go back to sleep."

"Stay?" She asks.

She's asked every night since that first night you did, every night at her place, and your heart clenches at the fact that she needs to and at the sheer gift of being allowed to be near her again.

"Wouldn't wanna be anywhere else," You tell her as you have all the other nights. There's more you can say. Much more, but it's not the right time so you pull her closer instead.

But you're so overcome, when in response, she presses her lips to your collar, that you can't help it, the next words falling unbidden from your mouth. "I'd stay forever if you'd let me, Lena."

You pray she's fallen back asleep because it's the wrong time. It's absolutely the wrong time.

"Don't make promises you can't keep." she says quietly.

And you swear it's the wrong time, really you do, but you can't let her doubt you, you can't let her doubt herself. "I'd fight to keep it, Lee." you promise her. "I'd fight every day to keep you. So _you_ stay. _Stay with me._ "

"Talk in the morning..." she replies after a very long silence. 

And you know you won't. Lena doesn't talk in the mornings. In the mornings she is quiet, lost in thought. But still she smiles at you, she holds the cups of coffee you make tightly in her hands as she gazes at nothing and everything. And you'll let her. You'll let her have her silences and her secrets, her walls and her doubts. You'll let her have it, any and all of it for as long as she lets you hold her in the night.

\---

For the first time in three weeks, three weeks to the day Lena had shown up at your apartment before dawn, thirteen days of alternating between sleeping at your apartment and hers, six of barely sleeping at all in the labs working to find a cure and save the world, you're the one to wake to the smell of brewing coffee. You've always gotten up before Lena before, honestly terrified that if you slept too heavily or too long you'd wake to find her gone. You've withstood crisis after crisis, one end of the world after another, but to be without Lena... Well, it's an end all in itself, one you're not sure you're strong enough to, nor are you sure you'll ever actually be strong enough to face.

"Hey," Lena says, biting her lip as she comes into view, a mug clasped firmly between her hands. She looks beautiful in the sunlight and your heart races at the sight of her. Slowly, she makes her way over to you, sitting beside you on the bed. "So someone slept in." She drawls.

You pout. She's making fun of you. "Haven't been home in a week." You respond, a slight whine to your tone.

Her breath hitches, her heart speeds up and you gaze into her eyes, trying to read what's happening.

"Well guess what happens when you sleep in for a change?" She says lightly though you note that her heart too continues to race. 

"What?"

"Coffee in bed." She beams at you, handing you the mug in her hands.

Your own heart flutters at the smile on her face and you beam back at her. You can't tell her what you're thinking, what you're feeling- that you'd take her smile over coffee and everything else any day - so you settle for cupping your hands around hers, keeping her hands firmly holding the mug before lifting it to your lips.

"Mhhm," you moan appreciatively. "Best. Coffee. Ever."

She rolls her eyes as she shakes her head at you. "Help me make fritatas," she says, moving to stand but you don't let her. You finally take the coffee from her hands, swiftly placing it on the bedside table as you pull her back into bed.

She gives a surprised yelp followed by a laugh and you think, maybe this was always the best option, the best reality, anything that leads to this moment with Lena Luthor must've been the right choice.

"Five more minutes," you tell her, wrapping your arms around her, burying your face in her hair.

She's quiet, then she sighs, her arms tightening around you. "Ten more." She whispers, and your heart soars.

\---

"Do you know, sometimes, when you say my name, my world literally stops?"

It's late into the night and you're walking back to your apartment after a frozen yogurt run. She's even quieter tonight than the rest of the nights you've spent together, lost in the world of her thoughts, only her hand in yours, _always always_ in yours, settles your heart and keeps you safe from your fears.

You tug at her hand, halting you both as you look into her eyes, the intensity of her gaze touching your very soul.

"Lena..." You want to ask her what she means, you want her to tell you because then everything might fall into place, but you don't know if you're ready, if she's ready.

"Like that," she says softly, her eyes sparkling.

She doesn't say any more and you sigh pulling her into your arms, pressing your forehead against hers. You keep your eyes closed, you're not sure you can handle looking into hers right now and not have it wreck your world. It would be so easy, so so easy. She's so close, so so close.

"Do _you_ know, Lena Luthor," you say, fighting the emotions swirling inside you and giving in to the need to look into her eyes, "sometimes, _one look_ from _you_ and _my_ world literally _stops._ "

She takes in a shaky breath but doesn't respond. You hold her under the lamplight on a deserted sidewalk and think, if this is as good as it gets, it's pretty damn good.

You know one day you'll have to talk about it, about all of it, but for tonight, for any number of nights she'll let you, you're content just to have her.

\---

"Oh! Hold the door!" You squeak out, careful to use only the maximum speed of a human to make it to the already almost fully closed elevator doors. A hand sticks out to stop it from fully closing and you breathe an audible sigh of relief. The staff meeting ran late and every minute out is another minute without Lena and after the day you've had, basking in Lena's quiet presence is all you can think about.

"Kara?"

The world whirls as James meets your gaze.

"Kara!" he says again, smiling widely at you and pulling you into his arms. "I've missed you!"

"James..." You sputter. "You're... You're here..."

The doors close and he continues speaking excitedly to you, and you barely remember to smile and nod as your mind whirls at his presence.

He's here in Nation City. _Back_ in National City. To see Lena. Lena's _ex-boyfriend_ —no, no, your _friend,_ one of your _best_ friends is here. He's back to see your best friend.

_Rao._

Why does the world suddenly feel like it's tilting off its axis.

"Kara? Kara?" He's looking at you, smile firmly in place but his face is a mask of confusion as he holds on to the elevator doors again. "We're here."

"Right! Right!" You sputter again with feigned cheer. Rao. James is your friend and you haven't seen him in months.

"You alright?" He asks, as you both walk towards Lena's apartment. "Andrea keeping you busy?"

You nod enthusiastically unable to form words and grateful when he seems satisfied with that and starts speaking again.

You try your best to pay attention to what he's saying, but really, you can't even form coherent thought at the moment. There's so much you and Lena haven't talked about yet. You've barely talked about anything at all. You didn't know you were going to run out of time.

"I heard about what happened last week." He says seriously as you reach Lena's door. "I came as soon as they lifted the barricades. I needed to see Kelly. I knew she was okay, but I needed to see for myself, you know? And Lena..." He sighs. "It's been too long."

You nod. You do understand.

He knocks and sweeps Lena into his arms before the door is even fully open.

"James?" She's clearly surprised, but she embraces him tightly like a long lost friend, the very way you yourself should be greeting him. "What're you doing here?"

"Heard you saved the world, Lena Luthor." He says, charming as ever.

Your heart feels leaden.

"With Supergirl and the DEO of course." He adds quickly, turning towards you.

You force a smile.

"It's so good to see you." You tell him, giving him a quick hug. "So so good."

It must be true, it must be how you feel.

"Why don't I leave you two catch up? Give me a call, okay?"

You can't get away fast enough and the elevator doors opening immediately grant you that escape. You head to the closest alley and take off into the sky, your heart heavy, your mind in chaos, your soul shackled.

You really thought you'd have more time.


	8. To love you

It's four in the morning when the beating of her heart fills you ears. Like a siren call it beckons you from your bed but you stop just short of the door, forcing yourself to stay rooted on the spot, palm against the wood, letting it separate and protect you from her.

You hadn't been asleep, a mere handful of weeks of sleeping next to Lena Luthor has rendered your very soul aching and inconsolably incomplete without her.

It's something you think you'd always known would happen, to get this close to Lena, to cross that threshold you've so stringently denied for years, and now you're spiraling out of control, out out out, and you know she can't be there to save you.

As with before, she doesn't knock, but then again she's never had to. You'll always know when she's there.

But if you open that door, you truly just might break.

You hear her sigh, hear her lay her forehead against the door, her palm on the other side of yours. Even just the knowledge of that is enough to break you, so no, you really can't open the one thing keeping you from falling apart.

"Do you know how I felt the first time I met you?" she says softly.

You can't help yourself, you lean forward, closer, entraced by her voice.

"I felt like the world was on fire... Like I was drowning while everything around me was burning."

Your fingers claw at nothing but air, your heart breaking at her words.

 _What do you mean, Lena?_ You want to cry out. _What do you mean?_

"For weeks and weeks, every time I saw you, I would feel like that... I didn't know how, I could never have guessed how, but I knew, I knew you would be my undoing."

She's started to cry and you don't know what's breaking your heart more - that you _could_ and _have_ caused her so much pain or that you're losing her and you know you'll never be able to feel whole again.

"I trusted you... Even when everything inside me was screaming at me, telling me to not, telling me to get as far away as possible... I let you in and I trusted you."

Is this why she wouldn't speak? Is this what she's been keeping in?

"I thought I was crazy. That my brother, my mother, that they had poisoned my heart and ruined my soul for anybody else."

 _You're perfect, Lena._ You want to tell her. _You are whole and perfect and good._

"And you were so bright and warm and good. You were so good, Kara, and you believed in me and you kept lifting me up. You kept fighting for me."

 _Always, Lena._ You want to assure her. _ALWAYS. ALWAYS._

"And I thought if someone as good and bright as you, someone so untouched by darkness, a stalwart defender of what's right... A beacon of hope..." and she laughs, without joy, without mirth, hollow and painful. "and it's exactly that, isn't it? That's precisely who you are. The beacon of hope. The girl of steel. "

It hurts. It hurts to hear how you've broken her.

"Do you want to know why I never figured it out? Why my mother and my brother did and I didn't? Do you want to know why everyone has figured it out but me?"

You shake your head but she can't see you. You don't want to know. You _don't_ want to know.

"I didn't want it to be you." she whispers. It's soft. So soft you think maybe she's afraid to give the world a glimpse of her heart.

 _Oh Lena._ You're crying, large angry tears of heartbreak.

"But it was. It is you. And again I was drowning while everything burned."

How many more times can your heart break before it stops beating?

"I'm not good, Kara..." a strangled cry. "I'm not good but I tried so hard to be."

No... She needs to stop thinking that. You'll break. You'll break over and over and _over._ You'll do it, but you can't leave her to this. Never. _Never._ You take the last step and open the one thing separating you from her.

Her eyes are bloodshot, her clothes soaked through and she's shivering almost uncontrollably. _Rao._ How did you not sense that?

"Did you walk here in the rain?" You snap. You don't mean to but there's nothing that sparks your anger faster than Lena coming to harm, even if it's by her own doing, _especially_ when it's her own doing.

"Have you ever considered that maybe YOU'RE my undoing too?" You whisper harshly when she doesn't respond as you pull her into your apartment, dragging her brashly across the room.

Your heart doesn't know if it's mending or shattering. Lena's presence simultaneously heals and breaks you.

"And you love me." she whimpers through a torrent of tears and your heart stops as you whip back to face her.

"You love me." She repeats. "How can you love me?"

"How can I not, Lena?" It's breaking. Your heart is definitely breaking.

She falls to the floor, crying, much as she had the first night back after all those people succumbed to disease before she could figure out a cure.

"Lena, please..." You don't know what you're asking of her, you don't know what to do, what to say, how to fix everything.

"Why didn't you tell me, Kara? Why did you wait so long to tell me?"

"Because I couldn't stand it if I lost you!" You tell her harshly. "Why don't you understand that, Lena? I kept it from you because I was selfish. At first it was too soon, and then... And then it was too late. Do you know how you've turned my life upside down?"

You fight to keep yourself together. You're hurting too. So much. _So so much._ And you're so afraid. You're afraid this will be the last.

"You were so mesmerizing... You looked at me and my world stopped, Lena! It stopped and then it started spinning out of control."

You kneel in front of her and shake her by the shoulders.

"You can't force trust, Lena. You know that. It went from too soon to too late in a _hearbeat_ and I wanted to keep you. Every day, for just _one more_ day, I wanted us to be okay. I know if you think back, if you try to remember, you'll know it's _true._ It's _all_ true, _everything_ I felt, I promise you it's all _true._ "

She's shivering again and you sigh.

"You need to get dry..."

She continues to cry. You try to pull her up with you but she fights you.

"Please, Lena." You need her permission, you need her to let you.

She whimpers again but allows herself fall against you.

"I'm broken, Kara." She tells you burying her face into your neck. "You can't love me."

"I can and I do." You tell her firmly. "You have to know I do."

"Do you know?" She suddenly asks you, she's pulling away from you, looking into your eyes searching for something. There's a manic tinge to her tone, her eyes alight with smoldering fire and something akin to despair.

"Know what?" You ask, the intensity of her gaze making your heart clench tightly in your chest.

"You don't," she says brokenly. "You don't know."

"Lena..."

You don't know how your heart is still beating, each anguished cry that falls from Lena's lips is a shaft of Kryptonite through it.

"And it won't matter." The desperation in her voice is making it difficult for you to breathe. "When you find out what I've done... You won't... I tried to be good, Kara, but I'm rotten just like them."

"Lena!" It's louder than you mean for it to be and her eyes widen at the sound. "You are nothing like them. You are brilliant and good and kind-"

"I'm not!"

"Alonzo." You tell her fiercely. She has to see it, she has to know.

"Adam!" she spits right back. "You don't know about him. You don't know what I've done. I'm a murderer, Kara."

Your heart pounds. It pounds so strongly you think it's going to fly out of your chest and hurl itself into space.

And it's true, you don't know what she's done, _all_ she's done. But you know her. You know the goodness in her heart as sure as you know your own love for her.

"You're right, Lena." You whisper, dropping your forehead onto hers, looking deep into her eyes. You will her to listen, you will her to believe you. "I don't know _everything_ you've done. But I know what's in your heart. Your mother, your brother, they can never _poison_ your heart, they can never _ruin_ your soul. I know they've tried. They've tried for years and years to turn you into them, but you're strong. You're so strong and brave and _good,_ Lena. Good like that can't be kept down. It can't be poisoned and ruined. It's too strong. _You're_ too strong."

She's crying silently and though the pain in her eyes is still palpable, you note that there's light in them too. Maybe, maybe, just maybe she can find it in herself to believe you.

"I know you've fought them. I know you fight them for _everyone..._ You fight them for everyone else because there's nothing you want more than to let them in. You want to let them in- you want to _trust_ them and _love_ them, and _forgive_ them. Because that's who you are, Lena. That's who you are."

You take her face into your hands, you wipe her tears away even as your own are falling.

"So how can I not love you, Lena Luthor? How can I not love you?"


	9. These words

"Lena... All of it, please." Her voice is soft, her eyes avoiding yours even as she wraps your hands around a cup of tea. She's wrapped a towel around your shoulders and is gently running her hands through your hair, gently combing out the knots.

"Do you know I activate a device that shields us and disables all recording and transmitting devices within a thirty meter radius." You tell her softly. "No signals, in or out. None."

She bites her lip, brow creasing. "I know." She says simply.

You gaze into her eyes. Open, open. She does know.

"It dampens even _my_ senses... Just a bit." She admits softly. "Nia, Alex, J'onn and Brainy... They've got it. They know to come here... Or yours, if it's a real emergency."

"They know?" You ask, unable to tell whether you're surprised or unsurprised.

"No. But from one 'til five. " She replies simply.

"Then... Why don't you know?" Why doesn't she know? Why why why?

Her eyes soften even further, they're bright, blue and soft, soft soft.

"You have to say the words, Lena." Her voice is rough and low- soft, rough, low- her eyes pleading with you, a hand reaching out.

Something beeps faintly in the darkness, five beeps.

Kara sighs. "Time's up," she remarks ruefully, and she rubs at her eyes.

She's right. Time's up. You can't afford to extend. He'll know.

 _You have to say the words, Lena._ \- And it's all you can think of. You have to tell her. You have to tell her all of it. Now, now, now. You'll make time.

"Kara..." You call to her, your heart painfully twisting in your chest. "Kara...!" Your voice sounds broken, even to your own ears.

"I'm here." She says, rubbing your arms over the towel. She looks concerned, you must look an absolute mess.

"I..." no you can't tell her this way. You have to be very careful or he'll know. He'll know. He always knows.

You have you think quickly. You have to figure it out. She has to know. You need her to know.

The bathroom. The bathroom. He's twisted, positively depraved, but he's arrogant. And that's always worked in your favor.

You take her by the hand, tripping over your own feet.

"Lena..." she sounds so scared and it stops you for a moment. Just a moment because she needs to know. You need to tell her. You can't stand her not knowing for another second.

You lead her into the bathroom, stripping yourself quickly of the wet clothes sticking to you like second skin.

She's frozen, shock and a multitude of other emotions you're not at the moment prepared to directly handle flashing on her face.

You can't. You can't. Not for as long as he's there.

"Please, Kara." You beg her. "Please."

Her face falls, she doesn't understand what you're asking for, but her eyes tell you she's willing you give you the world. So slowly you pull her to you, you pop the buttons off her pajama top, willing yourself to be slow.

Her breathing is ragged and her eyes bore into you, silently begging you to tell her what's going on.

Just a bit longer, you try to tell her with your eyes. Just a bit longer.

The last button is free and you tug it off her.

"Please," you tell her again, tugging at her pajama bottoms, as a tear makes it way down your cheeks again. You're barely hanging on.

She nods, and in a flash she's completely naked in front of you.

You don't look. You can't.

You pull her to you, positioning the both of you into the corner past the shower head before turning the valve to let the water run. You're silent for a moment, carefully listening to the water. _Is it enough?_

You try to focus your senses, is it enough? You note, you calculate, you hedge on caution. Is it enough? It is. It is. It has to be.

Your body is flush against hers and you take a moment to look into her eyes, willing yourself not to break.

"Kara," it's barely audible, but you know she can hear. "He's the devil incarnate, Kara. You think you know the depths of his cruelty, the depths of his madness, but you don't. Only I know my brother. Only I can stop him. But I need more time."

She gasps against you, wrapping her arms around your shoulders. "Lena... Lena, Lena, Lena." She says your name over and over again, tears falling unabashedly down her cheeks before she bows her head and buries her face at the crook of your neck.

"I'm sorry," You whisper to her, "He'll ruin this world, but I can't kill him again. I'm not strong enough. I'm sorry." You don't know if you're apologizing for your inability to kill him and rid the world of him once again, or if you're apologizing for still believing it's the only way to save the world and simply being too weak to do it. Because it's true. Everything in you is screaming out and telling you your brother's sins are yours to bear, yours to rectify, yours to atone for.

You had been angry, utterly desolate at his death and it having been at your hands. And Kara's betrayal, the betrayal of all your friends... It had made you question your motivations: was it really for the world or was it simply to keep your friends safe? It's a question that had further fanned the fires of anger at their betrayal, having chosen your friends, people who said they were your family over your blood, your _real_ family. And really, did it matter? They had all betrayed you more ways than you can count. But it wasn't true. It isn't. Because keeping Supergirl's secret was their only betrayal, whereas your brother has been manipulating and playing you from the moment you stepped foot inside the manor.

"No," she cries against you. "You never should have had to."

"I'll stop him." You promise her.

"I can't lose you, Lena." She's holding on to you so tightly it actually hurts but the pain keeps you grounded, it keeps you tethered.

"Just until this is over." You breathe out. It's a promise you pray you don't have to break.

"I've already lost _worlds._ How many more worlds are going to end? How many more times is _this_ world going to end? How many more times?"

Her anguish fills your heart, and it hurts far worse that you thought was possible. Your pain at her lies, her betrayal, at what you had thought was her giving up and walking away - it doesn't compare, none of it compares to how it's breaking at what you know she has endured.

You've been selfish. So angry and selfish. You let Lex worm his way into your mind, you let him sow doubt and darkness in you, playing on insecurities you've had since you were a child. And you'd let him. And this woman, this woman who holds your heart, this woman who has lost and endured, this woman who has loved and fought for you at every turn has had her world taken from her over and over while you had shunned her.

"I'll stop him, Kara." You promise her. You will. You will. "Give me time. He'll be back the day after tomorrow, and when it's over -"

"No!" Anguish and desolation. "You're not going _anywhere!_ " Fire. Anger. Desperation.

Your heart is beating wildly in your chest as you see a side of Kara you've never seen before. The power, the raw unbridled power and passion in her eyes, her hold. She's almost vibrating with fury and you're entranced by the sight of her. The majesty, the magnificence, it takes your very breath away.

"He can't have you." She thunders. "He won't have you. They'll take no more of mine."

Fire and thunder. Her eyes flashing, her body shaking. And then she's falling against you crying out your name. "Lena... Lena."

"I'm here, darling." You hold onto her as tightly as you can.

"He can't have you, Lena." It's not a demand but a plea.

"No, darling." You soothe. "He won't."

"We'll figure it out." She continues to weep. "But not you. Not you. _Please,_ not _you._ "

"Kara..."

"Say the words, Lena." She's wiping her tears away, looking deeply into your eyes. Searching, searching. Isn't it clear? Can't she see it?

"It's not safe." You whisper.

"I'm not afraid of him." She intones.

Her eyes are warm. Strong, warm, unequivocal and it fills you with hope and strength. Because _you_ are. You're afraid of what your brother will do when he inevitably realizes how you've fallen for Supergirl. You've been on borrowed time. From that moment in her apartment that very early morning before dawn, you've been running out of time.

Lex has been been away chasing after Leviathan but you're no idiot. You know he keeps tabs on you. His arrogance always has him showing his hand earlier than he should. And you've been careful. You've been very very careful but you know your brother, you know his genius and his mania, and you know this short reprieve his current obsession has gifted you with is just that - short and quickly coming to an end.

"Say the words." She repeats, the fire in her eyes setting your heart aflame. And you're drawn. You're drawn impossibly closer to her, your very skin singing at every inch that touches hers. "Take our days back, Lena. Take it all back with me."

"I want much more than that, Kara." It's the closest to the truth as you've ever gotten and it feels as though you're drowning again. But her hands, her hands they ground you; her eyes they lead you out, they lead you back to her; her lips, her lips, they hover above yours, smiling softly, promising to breathe life back into you.

"Say it, Lena."

And you do.


	10. Tripping on you

The world's gone mad, it has.

A Super and a Luthor.

A Luthor and a Super.

In love.

_Love._

The world must be mad.

And yet… It's as if everything is falling into place.

There's warmth in Kara's gaze, a tenderness in her touches, a reverence. But there's also fire. An unquenchable fire, a firmness, an entitlement, a possessiveness. It's as though your words have given her all the permission she's ever needed and now she's come to claim what's been rightfully hers from the very beginning.

She presses a kiss to your neck as she pulls you flush against her front and you can't help the sigh it illicits from you.

"You're beautiful," she whispers in your ear, and a shiver goes through your body.

"The most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

It's as though she's confessing every thought she's ever had.

"On this Earth. On _any_ Earth. On any _world,_ Lena. On _any and all_ of them."

Your body trembles at her words, at her touch, at the feel of her hands and lips, her breath ghosting against your skin. She places another kiss below your ear, right where your pulse is and it quickens at the feel of her.

"It'll be a long day, Kara." You tell her softly, turning in her arms and meeting her gaze.

"It will." She affirms, the smolder in her gaze doesn't abate. "Lunch?"

"No." You shake your head. There are things you need to take care of.

She frowns. She waits for you to say more. You don't.

So she continues, "Dinner?"

Again. "No."

"You'll come home to me." She presses. It's not a question.

Your heart races at her words and she finally smiles. It's warm, but it's also _smug._ How it has taken her three years to see and understand how she affects you is yet another mystery easily solved and answered by fear and denial.

You roll your eyes but then she's pulling you towards the couch and onto her lap as though she's been doing it your whole lives. And truthfully it feels as though she has been. It's as though you don't remember a time wherein you both carefully treaded the lines of friendship, innocent and platonic. Everything feels simultaneously new and old. Each barrier falls away without thought, without question, as if they never existed at all. It's as though your words mere hours ago have cast a spell on both your worlds and brought you to a reality where no limits and boundaries exist.

It should frighten you, this feeling, this change, but there is only calm.

There is you. And there is her. And everything else is silence.

Silence with only the beating of your heart, the beating of hers; the feel of her against you; her eyes looking into yours, seeing into your heart, seeing into your soul.

Just you. Just her. And silence.

" _Promise,_ Lena." It's a quiet demand. No more Supergirl than the Kara you had known for years. She's more, she's much more, and your blood runs hot.

"I do." You acquiesce.

"Regardless of what happens today. Regardless of what may happen tomorrow." She pushes, "Even if the world threatens to implode."

"Bit dramatic, love." You can't help but chuckle.

Her smile is blinding, for a heartbeat, two, three, before it dims and she's pulling you to her again, sighing into your hair. "I won't lose you, Lena."

"I'll come home to you." You promise. And it's one you won't break.  
\---

You're almost ready for the day in an emerald dress with a pleated neckline and pencil skirt that barely reaches your knees, a dress you've only ever worn once before, over two years ago. It was the first night you had ever spent with Kara, she'd asked you to stay the night, a stuttering nervous mess. Now you remember that fire in her eyes, it's the same way she's looking at you now.

"I don't want you to walk out that door." She admits softly with a tilt of her head and a shrug, as if you'd caught her red-handed. And it's as though you have. You see her… You see her and you know.

She's reaching for you again, as though she can't help herself. And perhaps, she can't. She lifts your hand to her lips, placing a kiss on your wrist. Your heart sings.

"Help me get ready, darling." You tell her, your own voice rough.

You place your earrings in her hands and she sighs as she gently clasps them to your lobes. She looks despondent, and it's the first time you feel any fear. It's licking at your heart, licking at your soul, and it's begging to be let in.

"Kara…" Only she can make it go away.

The fire in her gaze keeps it at bay, as you knew it would. You need her strength. You need her courage. You need her hope. You need her.

Her lips at your temple, her arms around you, you focus on the beating of _her_ heart. Strong. Steady. A heartbeat, two, three. You steel yourself. You pull away.

"Lena…"

God, the way she says your name. How can it be both reverent and demanding at the same time?

Her eyes flash and then darken. Your heart beats faster, faster, faster, you feel hot all over. You don't know if it's her or you, though it's likely, definitely both, but it's as though the night won't let go.

But no.

No, no, no.

Morning has long since crept up, the sun shining, it's warmth radiating from up above. It's more. More than the night. More than the morning.

It's Kara's. It's yours. It's a day you're taking, a day to begin all futures, a day to end all pasts.

You'll be coming home tonight. It's a promise you need not have made- it's a reality that won't be denied.

"Come here, darling." You call, reaching out a hand to take hers. You press a kiss to her palm before turning her around, your fingers arranging her hair in the secure bun she seems to be favoring these days.

It takes no more than a few minutes but you don't let her go. It's going to be a long day and you'll take what time you can get to memorize the feel of her skin against yours.

"What does your day look like?" You ask, but a knock at the door keeps her from answering.

Tilting her head, she squints at the door, likely using her x-ray vision.

"James? William?" She says, brows furrowed. "What're _they_ doing here?" She starts marching towards the door, and your heart starts to race as you realize she doesn't have her glasses on.

"Kara!" She stops just short of the door and you toss her her glasses. The smile she gives you is brilliant and your heart continues to race for a whole other reason. It's a long silence, people at the door momentarily forgotten as you try to read her gaze. It's broken by another knock and you take deep but shaky breathes to calm your heart as she opens the door for her early morning guests.

"Kara, hi, good morning."

"Hey, so breakfast?"

_Men tripping over themselves._

Your eyes take them in and you feel a surge of affection for James at the two boxes of donuts in his hands and at the bouquet of gerberas in bright orange, red and yellow on top of them, but your eyes narrow at the bouquet of sun flowers in William Dey's.

"Hey!" Kara's wrapping her arms quickly around James who hugs her tightly and he gives you a huge smile as you give him a little wave before your attention is drawn back to William.

He looks confused, a little put out.

"Did we have plans?" She's asking both of them.

"Breakfast!" James, a little too much pep for seven in the morning.

"I was hoping we could get caught up on that piece we're working on," William, hesitant.

_Men, men, men, still tripping over themselves._

"I… You do know each other, right?" Kara seems frazzled, she's touching her hair nervously. "James Olsen, William Dey."

"Yeah, yeah." James, significantly less pep, but he holds out a hand.

"Of course," William, still confused, still put out.

Not altogether bright this one.

"Lena Luthor." You say, perhaps a touch imperial, wholly unintended, at least consciously, walking towards them and holding out your own hand towards William who gapes at you for a second before shaking it.

James pulls you into his arms to say hello and you only catch a glimpse of Kara's eyes flashing before she's pulling you out of James' arms and into hers, arm firmly, possessively, around you, her hand flat against your stomach.

You note the question in James' gaze before you turn back towards William. The way he looks at you is a look you've seen many many times before. It's both a calculation and an attraction. He's running through everything he thinks he knows about you while his eyes appraise your form.

_No, he simply will not do._

There's a barely audible growl beside you and you take care not to look at Kara as you press your thumb against her wrist to gain her attention without having to draw unnecessary attention to what you're doing.

It's as though she's forgotten that this man has arrived at _her_ door with a bouquet of flowers for _her._ How _silly…_ because you certainly haven't.

"I'm sure James brought plenty for everyone." You hear yourself say. What exactly are you doing? You don't quite know, all you do is that you're not quite ready to let that man out of your sight.

"Lena…" There's a hint of warning to it.

What on earth does she think she's warning you of? You meet her gaze for a heartbeat, firm, unyielding.

"I have an hour before my brother's plane touches down." You say. "Why not begin the day with new and old friends alike?"

"An hour?!" Yes, you had said the day after tomorrow but you've gotten word he's already on his way back.

"Yes. Lexy does like to play at surprising me." You respond blithely, careful to keep the venom out of your tone. "He doesn't know how terribly predictable he truly is."

You watch William. Yes… Perhaps there really is an article. An article that has to do with Lex.

"Mr. Dey, please come in. You'll have to excuse Kara. She's had quite a night." You don't meet Kara's gaze again though you feel the intensity of it. You press against her wrist again, your own warning.

"James, help me set up while Kara and Mr. Dey discuss that article they're working on."

"Uh… William's fine." William replies gingerly, straightening his spine as he walks through the doorway.

You feel Kara tear her gaze from you as she leads William towards the living room as you and James prepare a spread from what he has brought.

You try to ignore Kara and William talking not far from you but you hear Kara's annoyance above James' chatter even as you try to tune them out.

William Dey… Yes. Familiar. The Times, the Mail… A Pulitzer, perhaps two.

"You forget to tell her?" James is looking quizzically at you and you stow it away, focusing on him.

"Sorry?"

"Breakfast, you forgot to tell Kara?"

"Yes, I'm sorry." You tell him sincerely. "It was so late. Completely slipped my mind. I take full responsibility."

"It's alright." He flashes you a smile. "So that guy," he motions towards them and you note Kara glancing at you quickly, barely discernible. "Are they… Together?"

"Certainly not." You say, perhaps a little too forcefully.

You watch a smile blossom on Kara's face and you roll your eyes. You'll have to have a talk about eavesdropping. She seems to sense it, she looks towards you, her gaze meeting your own, and that smile… That warmth, that affection, that _love._ You can feel it to the tips of your toes.

"Oh." James says beside you and you fight and fail to tear your eyes away from Kara.

You're silent for a moment, for more than a handful of heartbeats until there's a fire in your chest you desperately try not to let get out of hand. 

"Yes." You tell him simply finally forcing yourself to look away from her. "Yes."

His eyes are gentle and sincere and he gives you a slight nod as he touches your arm.

"It's good to see you again, James." William says, walking towards the two of you while Kara follows behind with a slight frown.

He holds out his hand for James to shake and then turns towards you. "And thank you for the offer of breakfast, but I really must go. It is, however, wonderful to finally meet you, Lena. "

A Pulitzer, really? Him?

"Ms. Luthor will be just fine." You say, as Kara's hand slips to the small of your back.

"Have a wonderful morning ahead, Mr. Dey." You continue, pointedly handing him the bouquet of sun flowers.

"Ah, yes." He stammers. "I wish you a good day as well, Ms. Luthor, Mr. Olsen, Ms. Dan—Kara."

James' chuckle fills your ears but your eyes are still trained at the door long after he has left. It takes you a more than a moment but then Kara is pulling you tightly against her front once again and the feel of her snaps you back to the present.

James' eyes are filled with mirth and you raise an eyebrow at him as he snaps a photo of you. He shoots you a huge smile as he turns to Kara. "Quick, Kara, use your super hearing and see if Ms. Luthor's made a grown man cry before office hours!"

"James!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, I mentioned before that when I began this story I had only watched that Lena and Kara scene from 5x13 without having seen ANY full episode of season 3, 4, and 5. And from a reaction scene it's turned into something longer. And had I been a smarter woman, I never would have turned this into a multichapter fic and simply left it at that, because having finally watched season 5, I never should have touched this season at all with even a 10-foot pole (yes, reference intended). But here I am, here we are, 10 chapters in and with how utterly soul sucking season 5 is, it's really kinda difficult.
> 
> But I cannot let it go. I absolutely hate that despite the fact that Supercorp was NEVER EVER in the cards, now is when they bring in a love interest for Kara. Like, are you all so shitting terrified of our little Supercorp shipper hearts that you just have to have her date this season? And is everyone really so cold that it doesn't matter to them how Lena is actually feeling? Why is Kara the only one that gives a crap about Lena? I want better from Alex. I NEED better from Alex. I need better from J'onn. I need better from ALL of them.
> 
> I've got this mountain of disappointment in me and I guess I'm trying to give a bit of context for the coming chapters. I can't promise they're good, I'm sorry, I don't think I can ever promise that. Though trust me, I really DO try, but writing them is proving to be quite cathartic to me and I certainly hope those that feel as I do about the points I previously raised will find a bit of release in them too.


	11. Spine

On the whole, it's a good morning. James tells you about all the projects he's undertaking for his community, and you make a mental note to make a substantial anonymous donation to help it along, glad that at least one person in your family has found some peace and is a safe distance from you and your brother. It bothers you far more than you're willing and able to let on, how you've sabotaged Obsidian in your own quests.

The truth is you've long since forgiven Andrea for her betrayal, though you're not one to forget and certainly not one to simply jump in and trust her again. But you see her sincerity, the remorse, the fear, the truth. People are driven to break for their families, and that's one area you're certainly experienced in.

There's a love inside of you that you try to deny daily for your father, your mother, your brother. Your father because your mother is right. You've idealized the man he was simply because he was always warmer than your mother ever was and he treated you better than he treated your brother. But that should have long shown you the truth – the fact he treated Lex in the way that he had, the drunken fits, that he cheated on your mother with your real mother, that he would bring his bastard daughter home to his wife and son… No wonder Lillian resented you and kept her distance. But Kara is right. You loved your father. And your psychopathic brother. And yes, your mother. You love her in spite of everything she's never done for you.

So you understand. You understand when people hide, deceive and betray for their families. And it still hurts, it really does, to know everyone had hidden the truth from you.

But _Alex_ makes it better. Alex makes it better even more than Kara does because you know Kara loves you. You know Kara's always loved you, that she was the one to give you this family that you've got now.

Alex calls at random hours of the day, sometimes to snap at you about what a miserable puppy Kara is being, her words not yours, or about some study she's just read, or the one time about how she's quitting the DEO because she can no longer stand to work for your psychopath of a brother colored of course with more curse words than you hear used in a whole year, and even once, just once, about Kelly and Maggie. She was a bit drunk that night, and you know you're not allowed to speak of it again, just as she knows not to talk about how you've been taking her calls.

 _J'onn_ helps too. He doesn't say much of anything, but he brings ferns, cacti and succulents to your private roof garden, and he brings studies he must've collected from his time at the DEO, conducted on the various alien artifacts over the years. You think maybe he's apologizing, maybe he's trying to show you he trusts you. Once, he asked for your hand and he showed you a memory of one of the many game nights you've had over the years. It wasn't anything important, just another one of those nights you all put the world on hold to be together, to live, love and laugh. You took your time and you looked, really looked at the smiles on everyone's faces, at the comfort given and taken just being in each other's presence. You looked and you saw truth, sincerity and love.

And so you forgive them, your own makeshift family.

You forgive the babies Brainy and Nia, Brainy who needs the little boxes as much as you do, Nia because she seems such a child to you, a child who has had to deal with such an undercurrent of hate, one you truly feel guilty for for not having been of any help in at all. You see her strength and take comfort in it because despite the fact that she doesn't deserve the bigotry and prejudice, the reality is that this world needs her to help them fight against it. Each one has a role to play, you know that. Your anger at the betrayal has led you past the gray and into the dark, and you're glad for your failures because you're not certain you'd ever be able to forgive yourself had you succeeded.

Times are hard. Your brother has done more than just inject himself into this Earth Prime. He's taken everything you've spent years developing for the good of the city, the good of the world. He's exchanged your research for his, his company for yours, and really, what an egotistical maniac he truly is if he thought Kara's betrayal and that of the rest of your friends would be enough to bring you to his side.

You know he's lied to your mother. You see the coldness in her gaze, the wall she's had up when it comes to you, once again whole and seemingly unpiercable. Your mother hasn't looked at you like that for years. Certainly not since she's been saving your ass, loathe as you are to admit it. You miss her a little, that woman who had gone as far as to poison her son's tea to try and stop yet another of his unending litany of nefarious schemes.

But what's done is done. Your brother's made the biggest mistake he can in this current endeavor – he's brought YOU, and you'll create a whole new universe if that's what it will take to stop him.

And there he is, sauntering into your office like he's the king of the world, which of course in essence, he kind of is. It claws at you at little, but you remember how tightly Kara had held on to you just a few hours ago, how unwilling she was to let you out of her arms, and it abates.

Your eyes trail every move he makes, the enamored look on who in this world is your assistant literally making you want to vomit in utter disgust. You push it all down. You're only allowed two emotions this morning.

"Nice of you to drop in, Mr. Luthor." You snap.

He holds his hands up. "Now, now, Lena, I haven't brought you a donut or a burger, but that's no way to welcome your big brother."

You're unruffled. Little about Lex's reach suprises you now, and you'll be damned if he finds out how you had scrambled to keep him out of the precious moments you had actually stolen for you and Kara.

"People died, Alexander."

Ah, a fleeting worry. Yes. He doesn't want you talking to your mother.

"Been talking to mother have you?"

"Afraid she'll make you sit for tea?"

"People die every day, Lena."

And there it is, white, hot and raging, the anger you'll never be able to hide from your brother. His blasé attitude towards the people and the world, it's as though he's physically unable to comprehend why their lives mean so much to you. It's one of his biggest failures, you think. For a man with such genius he's so far removed from humanity, that he can't comprehend the depths people—the depths that YOU would go to to protect this world and the ones you love.

And you almost laugh. Because what have you been so afraid of? Love is not something your brother is capable of feeling. Not anymore, and perhaps he never truly ever was. You can profess to him right now your love for Supergirl and he'd probably gape at you and wonder what that means.

"You're despicable." You settle for that instead. He's not even worth the truth, not yours, not the most precious of all your truths.

"Having a bad week, are we?" He says, mildly interested. "Little pet project not advancing as quickly as you wanted? Do you need more test subjects?"

"I've been trying to keep people alive, Lex."

He simply stares at you. "Ah, yes. Congratulations. I think I did catch that on the news a few days ago. Really keeping up with the philanthropic efforts. Gotta watch out or you'll be snatching the Nobel from under me."

And you've smashed another glass by hurtling it at him. Easy. You tell yourself. Easy. You need to keep this newfound penchant for breaking things under control.

"Really, Lena." He tsks's and you fight not to rage any further. "Don't be so pedestrian."

You remember Alex's colorful word choice and imagine showing your brother exactly how pedestrian you can be and it alleviates some of your momentary rage.

"Stay out of my labs, Lex." You tell him, pushing out of your chair. "Stay out of my apartment. And maybe do your damn job and run this damn company."

"Off to an early lunch with Ms. Danvers?" He shoots.

"Who's being pedestrian now?" You eye him as he shrugs and feigns nonchalance. "What I do and do not do with Kara is outside of your purview. Stay out of my labs. Stay out of my apartment. And stay the hell out of hers. If I find any more of your toys after today, it won't matter that there are other heroes on this Earth, big brother."

You mean to walk away, done fighting the disgust you feel for what your brother has turned into, but like moth to a flame, you're drawn to him. Your hand reaches for his tie, before you are even conscious of the action, tightening it. His eyes widen in surprise and sudden fear but you pat him gently on the chest, merely straightening it with your other hand.

Yes, it would do him well to remember to be wary of you. You're taking back your days just as you've taken back your nights. He's taken your very reality from you but he'll take no more. You are a Luthor, much as he is, and unlike him, elevating the Luthor name to mean good is precisely what you've been working towards for years. He may be hiding now, but evil can never hide for too long. His nature will get the better of him and he'll show the world his hand. You don't have to do a thing, not even lift finger, not even tell a soul the truth about him. He'll bring about his own fall, his own destruction.

You watch him, fighting not to cower at the very very small display, so very small that it can't truly even be called that, of what you're capable of. Hmm, he must be remembering that you did actually shoot him. Not just shot him but actually killed him.

On any other day you'd remember the pain of doing so, the heartache and longing for a brother you'd lost many years before to his grandiose obsessions and mania. But today you remember Alonzo and how the poor child had almost died, you remember the ninety-seven children, the one hundred fifty two mothers, the one hundred thirty six fathers, the eighty eight people just entering adulthood and starting their adventures and the sixty two enjoying their lives and freedom only to have their lights prematurely extinguished. You remember them and your hate reignites.

 _People die every day, Lena._ \- He had said the same thing when you had asked him to come home and help you find a way to stop what was happening. _People die every day._ And if you hadn't been utterly convinced of your brother's evil before, you certainly were then.

You reign in that anger and give his chest one last pat before you decide that an early lunch with Kara does indeed sound good. And it's mostly an afterthought, but no less true, certainly not a threat or a warning but a reminder – "We both know who the brains of this family is, Alexander… You'd do well to stay out of my way."


	12. Of lunch and bonds

"Kara… Kara!" Nia's waving her hands in front of you a puzzled look on her face.

"Yeah? Sorry." You sputter, pushing your glasses up on your face.

Lena has sent Andrea a large vase of flowers and between trying to figure out what that means and trying to figure out a game plan to keep William safe while he continues to investigate Lex, _add_ Lex's actual untimely return that day, _add_ being the most impatient you've ever felt at the prospect of seeing Lena tonight and your brain is positively swimming. It's a good thing you're laying off your saving duties, the NCPD should have it covered as well as Alex whose days of unemployment have her gunning for more action, suffering the tediousness of the daily grind without her primary passion, running her own covert government department. You think to remind her about being a mother but there's something about setting roots in the children department in a reality Lex Luthor helped create that doesn't at all sit right with you.

"Well will you?" Nia's asking and again you have no clue what she's been talking about.

"I'm sorry, Nia." You tell her again, desperately trying to recall the last thing you actually remember hearing.

She rolls her eyes at you, crossing her arms in front of her as she shoots you a smirk. "So did he?" She asks.

Argh! To hell with your sieve of a mind today, attention totally shot. What is she talking about now?

"Cry like a baby? Did Lena make him cry?"

"What?!" You can't help but exclaim.

She holds up her phone, a gleeful smile on her face. "First, totally hot."

It's a photo of Lena, likely the one James snapped at breakfast this morning. Your heart starts being faster and harder at the image. And well, she's not wrong, Lena does always look hot, but this morning, the way her lustrous curls are partially swept back, the imperial tilt of her head, the fierceness in her eyes…

"Second, I would have totally _pissed_ myself if she'd looked at me like that. I _never_ wanna get on her bad side." Nia continues, rambling as you yourself are so often wont to do.

"Third, GOD, she really really made him call her Ms. Luthor and made him take back the flowers he brought?"

Why is Nia so apprised of your morning?

"Why wasn't I there to see that? Please please please is there a way to turn back time because I would so have loved to see that. And fourth, oh my God, is she finally coming back to game night?"

Did you ever really ramble half as much as she does?

"Fifth, no not fifth, move everything down one 'cause my first is – I totally approve."

"Well, I'm glad for the approval, Ms. Nal."

_Lena! When did Lena get here?_

Nia's eyes widen to the size of saucers as she jumps in place and turns to face Lena who seems to have arrived without you noticing in the slightest. Nia fidgets for a moment before her mouth once again gets the better of her and it's once again moving. "Do I have to call you Ms. Luthor too?" There's nervousness but you note that it's laced with a boatload of hesitantancy and a smidge more sadness than perhaps either you or Lena were expecting because you watch as Lena's face positively softens.

"I think Lena will do just fine, honey." It's soft and so very sweet and gentle, and Nia throws herself at Lena who chuckles a little tearfully as her arms encircle your young protégé.

Rao. Lena truly will be the death of you.

"So can you please come to game night again?" It's barely above a whisper, you think perhaps she's afraid of Lena's answer and being shot down.

"How about I take you and Kara out to lunch first?" Lena replies with a gentle smile at her pulling back a little to look at Nia.

Nia pulls her back into a tight embrace in response and you see Lena fight not to drown at Nia's very blatant display of affection.

The sight warms your heart and you allow yourself a moment of self-flagellation for the mess you'd made at not having confessed everything to Lena sooner. It hadn't just been you who has had to deal with the fall out of your friendship with Lena. James had fortunately been away and hadn't had to suffer it, but you know there's truth to Alex's words when she says her distrust of Lena isn't born of malice but of mere practicality and survival. You know their shared interest and mutual respect for each other, and you know J'onn's trust, though highly difficult to earn was something Lena had long since had. You know it's difficult not to see and be taken in by the goodness of Lena's heart, it's simply truly one that needed time in order to be revealed what with the havoc Lex and Lillian have caused and are still trying to cause.

But Lena shines.

Lena _always_ shines.

And even Nia is more than a little bit enamored by the love of your life.

Rao.

_The love of your life._

She was always that, not that you could have admitted it out loud, so best friend it had been, safe and mostly accurate. But now… Now she knows. She knows the most important of all your secrets, and you being Supergirl doesn't even begin to come close to it.

Nia's finally letting her go, though you note she keeps an arm around Lena, an excited smile on her face.

"Hey, William!" Nia greets a little too boisterously, waving behind you and you turn to look. "Have you met Lena Luthor?"

You turn back at Nia to glare at her and while she ignores you, the slight pinch you see Lena give her waist seems to bring her back down.

"I hope you've had a good morning Mr. Dey." Lena says shooting him that enigmatic smile of hers she reserves for people she's appraising when she doesn't want them to know it's what she's doing. You're quite well-versed in the language of Lena Luthor's smiles and frowns, and in the last few months and weeks, the months and weeks you hadn't let fear blind you, her eyes.

While Nia's mischievous streak is certainly apalling, and though both that and the fact that for some reason Nia knows what's happened at your apartment this morning do concern you, Lena's reason for stopping by has most of your attention.

"Lena, a word." You say.

She raises an eye brow at you but gestures for you to follow her off to a less trafficked part of the floor. How is it she is no longer CEO of this company and is still commanding the room? Oh right. It's in her blood and she's the love of your life.

Rao.   
_The love of your life._

"Is everything okay?" You whisper and she gives you a small smile.

"Thought we could grab lunch. My day has just opened up."

You look into her eyes, searching, trying to see if she truly is as alright as she seems. And though she seems tired, after all, neither of you had slept at all the previous night, she also seems at peace.

"Lex—" you start but she shakes her head.

"Will take no part of today." She tells you firmly.

"Lena…" You want to push, you need to be sure she's okay.

"Kara, let's take the young lady to lunch, alright? And then tonight we can discuss Lex." She says, moving to take your hand.

"And Andrea" You add, perhaps a tad petulant. She raises an eyebrow but gives a slight nod.

"And William." You know she means for it to be an afterthought, but you know that change in her tone, you know that flicker in her eyes. And for a moment, just a moment, you revel in knowing her. Because Lena Luthor is not one anyone can read if she doesn't want them to, if she chooses to put up that wall and decides someone must be kept out, they _stay_ out. But she's letting _you_ see, she's letting _you_ know.

"You're the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on." You breathe out. You tell her because it's true. You tell her because she's beautiful in any and all the ways and you're exalted that you're allowed to see her.

"Yes, darling, you've mentioned that." Her voice has that teasing lilt and it takes all your very inhuman self control not to take her into your arms and kiss her senseless.

Maybe she knows because she's slowly backing away from you, flushed, breathing slightly ragged. It wouldn't do to be the next headline of your own magazine so you let her walk away from you and towards Nia who's failing to hide a pout.

"Not fighting again are you?" You hear Nia's slight whine.

"No, Nia." You hear Lena reassure her. "How do you feel about Indian for lunch?"  
\---

It's a nice place, not overly crowded, cozy and a little on the dark side. The appetizers are to die for and with Lena's hand in yours, you revel at the sound of hers and Nia's animated chatter. You watch Nia's barely concealed excitement and fear, she's shot you one look too many of _'Am I really not dreaming? Is everything really okay now?'_ as well as the very frequent number of times she touches some part of Lena, as if assuring herself of the physicality of the moment.

It's both endearing and heartbreaking to watch. Nia's affection shows not only Lena but you too exactly the sort of family you have built away from home, and though you might have been the one to have brought Nia into the family, the one tasked to mentor and guide her, it's no less true that Lena could have lost her, lost all they had because of your mistakes.

"You better be paying, Luthor. "

"Alex!" How is everyone suprising you today? "What're you doing here?"

"Uh, lunch?" Alex says frowning at you quizzically.

Did you have plans? Did you invite your sister and forget?

"I invited her." Nia shrugs, explaining. "Lena said I should."

You turn to look at Lena who simply squeezes your hand, refusing to meet your gaze.

"So you're paying right? Because you know your asshole of a brother stole _my_ agency and I'm unemployed." It's not unkind but there's definitely an undercurrent of anger in her tone.

You want to butt in because your sister has never been this rude before and certainly not towards Lena, but you're trying to read the look on Lena's face as she stares impassively at your sister.

"Fucker!" Your sister breathes out.

And you snap to attention. "Alex!"

But she ignores you, they both do, locked in some half silent conversation.

"Which ones?"

Lena's reply is a raise of an eyebrow.

"Fucker!" Your sister breathes out again and you're itching to berate her for her language but you stay silent. "All of it?"

Lena nods.

"I'm so sorry, Lena." She says, her hands fisting. "Air pollution levels?

"147" Lena replies grimly. "I'm working on it. Second on the agenda."

"What's first?" Nia asks and your eyes whip towards her. Does _she_ know what they're talking about?

Nia seems to understand your question and gives you a little shrug.

"The airlocked suit…" Lena replies softly but firmly.

Alex nods her approval. "Can't have Supergirl incapacitated like that again."

"Can somebody get me caught up here?" You finally say. "Feels like I'm in some sort of twilight zone where I don't understand _anything_ happening around me but _everything_ makes sense to _everybody_ else."

"I know," Nia replies with a wide excited smile, "But the best kind right?" And she puts an arm each around Alex and Lena. Alex's look is kind and amused but Lena's is doting and you know the world had better watch out because not only will Nia Nal grow to be an unstoppable force but with Lena Luthor behind her, impossible is a word that will be thrown into a deep dark abyss.

"Lex didn't think it was important to carry over _my_ research and projects into this new world." Lena tells you, finally meeting your gaze. "Luthor Corp is continuing his weapons projects from before his incarceration."

You gape at her. Why hadn't you known this?

"L-Corp is gone, Kara." She continues softly. You know that but you weren't actually aware of what that had meant. "Not only in name but in most of the advancements we've made in the last few years."

You hold on to her hand tightly. How is she so calm and put together?

Lena smiles softly at you and for a moment the world falls away as her fingers smoothen out the crinkle in your brow. Strong, brave, brilliant Lena. Your heart pounds. _Your_ strong, brave, brilliant Lena.

Alex clears her throat and Lena flashes you another smile as she squeezes your hand again under the table. It takes you a few moments, your eyes still watching Lena as she restarts the conversation about Nia's new article, you fight to tear your eyes away from her. Lena is a marvel and you fall further in a way you didn't know was possible.

"Lena…" It's almost unbidden, as though it's coming from deep inside your soul.

She turns to you and it's as though she understands. She cups a hand to your cheek, drawing you to her and she places a soft kiss on your lips. It reassures you, calms you, tethers you, and when finally you're able to draw away from her brilliance, it's to meet Nia's look of triumph and Alex's relief.

Alex is biting her lip as if to keep herself from speaking but she nods at you, and she nods at Lena, and she blinks back the hint of wetness in her eyes. "So, wanna tell me about this morning when William stopped by." She says, holding up her phone which has the photo of Lena from this morning also displayed.

And you groan loudly as Lena's soft chuckle fills your ears.

You'll have to talk about William. And Lex. And maybe Andrea. But for now, Lena's laughter, her smile, the brightness of her eyes, the warmth of her touch, they assure you that everything will be okay.


	13. Waiting

So it turns out that there's a group chat you had muted many months ago that James had made before he left National City and _that_ is how the story of how your morning has gone, along with the admittedly hot photo of Lena, made the rounds to your friends.

You think of throwing James off the balcony of Andrea's office just to jostle his brain a bit and maybe prompt a refiring of his neurons because what the hell, when are you and Lena and what your mornings consist of for public consumption? Though Rao, if you're really honest, you're less concerned about the recounting of what's happened, than you are about Lena's photograph.

You think it might have to do with Crisis, almost having lost her, _actually_ having lost her without having ever told her the truth, without having actually ever held her, touched her, known her, seen her. It isn't that you're possessive, you've never really been so, but Lena… Lena. It's as though Lena ignites something in you that makes you want to just shut everything out. To learn everything about Lena, every thought she's ever had, every feeling she's ever felt, every hope, every dream, every fear… You want them all. You want all of it and all of her and you want to be selfish, you're _dying_ to be selfish, because you do want to keep her all for yourself.

And you know it's ridiculous. Your heart has positively melted into a fluffy gooey mess at the bond Lena and Nia and Alex are mending, and you're so touched and grateful and just so happy that Lena is letting them in again because you know they love her and you know she loves them too. But you've missed her. You've missed her so terribly in the past few months, and the nights from the weeks you've spent with her have done little to quell that yearning.

You know it's mostly born from fear and loss and grief. And you try to deny it, keep it at bay, but Lena's words… They've given you permission to _love_ her.

And of course you love her. You've always _always_ loved her. To try and not love Lena Luthor would be to deny the very existence of the sun. But the way you were allowed to love her was different. You were a friend. Her only friend. And then you weren't the only one and you became her favorite, a best friend. And it was all wonderful. Every bit of it with Lena was always wonderful. To love her all the ways you had been allowed to in the past was something you had always cherished. But to love her in this way now… To be allowed to love her in this way… It makes your whole being throb.

To be allowed to love Lena Luthor the way you always knew you did is like finding yourself again. It was as though you'd always shut a part of yourself off, the part desperately, irrevocably, undeniably in love with her from the very beginning, and now that part is free. But instead of the jubilation at liberty you hadn't known was possible, there's so much yearning and still so much desperation. You're desperate for her to understand how every cell in your body calls out for her, how she's part of almost literally every thought you have, how your heart beats out her name, how your world stills in her presence. You're in love with her. Madly so, and you want nothing more than to drown in her.

You want to curate her every smile, her every frown, the way her lashes flutter when she's just woken up, the way she looks in the bright light of the sun, the dim glow of the moon, the sparkling of the stars. You want Lena's every morning, midday and night, every moment that you never had, every moment you almost lost, every moment taken from you.

And it's less everyone and more James. Because he had had his chance. He had had his chances with Lena and you're aware of how he had hurt her. And even then it's less James and more the loss of the multiverse. Because Lena was _gone._ She was gone and you had lost your heart.

And so you're taking her. You're taking anything and everything she is willing to give you because you need her like you need to breathe, need her like your heart needs to beat. You're taking every moment she gives you, every second, every heartbeat. And Lex Luthor and any villain who dares come between you be damned, you're not losing her again.

\---

"Kara!"

Lena's heart is racing at your sudden appearance and you almost feel bad. You've been waiting for the past two hours for her to get home, home to yours, and you've been ostensibly trying to keep busy by tidying up your apartment while absently watching _The Force Wakens_ in the background, but the second the beating of her heart filled your ears, you had sprung from your place on the floor, turned the TV off, stowed the vacuum and was out the door, just in time for her to step out of the elevator.

She's carrying a garment bag, as well her laptop and a paper bag of what you've deduced is ice cream, having divested her of them the moment she was within reach.

"Ice cream!" You cheer and internally do a somersault when she graces you with a smile.

You lead her into your apartment, swiftly putting her things away, her laptop on the dining table, relieving her dresses from their bag onto your own clothes rack, and the ice cream securely in the freezer. She's barely slipped her heels off her feet when you're once again back on the couch pulling her into your lap.

"Kara," she gives a little whine but sinks into you in the next instant.

You breathe her in and hold her tightly in your arms. It's true. Some days you are afraid it's not real and she'll vanish into nothingness.

"How was your day, darling?" She asks you.

"Missed you."

"I saw you at lunch." She replies, teasing.

And your heart is bursting with joy. She pulls away from you slightly, looking into your eyes and you sigh as you look into hers. You can look into Lena Luthor's eyes forever and be content. But then she's lowering her lips to yours and no, no, there is no contentment without Lena Luthor's lips on yours.

The kiss is soft, almost chaste, as though she's careful not to let it escalate. And for a heartbeat the thought maddens you because you _know_ how she feels, you know and she's yours. In the next instant you've taken you and her to the bed and are pushing her onto the mattress as you deepen the kiss, your hands caressing her stomach. She pulls you into her, hands in your hair, moaning into your mouth. And for a few blissful minutes you're literally drowning in the taste and feel of her and your only thought is the stark singularity of your love for Lena Luthor.

"Kara, Kara…" Lena is panting, pulling away from you. "Darling, the door."

Only then do you pull away from her and indeed hear the incessant banging. You use your x-ray vision and note your favorite Chinese restaurant's delivery guy impatiently banging on the door, and still panting, Lena gives you a sheepish smile and an "I called ahead." You know you should rush and open and the door but Lena, flushed, panting, and utterly thoughtful and adorable in front of you makes you want to put everything on hold.

She looks into your eyes, and gives a soft chuckle before pushing off the bed, running a hand through her hair as she pads to the kitchen to find her purse. It at least gets you back in gear and you're pulling her away from the door, and opening it yourself.

You mumble an apology to the delivery guy and shove way more than enough money into his hands with a swift "Keep the change." Before you're slamming it in his face, depositing the bag on the counter and pulling Lena against you once again.

"Kar," it's a strangled cry as your lips find purchase on her neck and for a few blissful minutes the world feels as though it literally consists of only you and her. But far too soon there's yet another knock on the door.

"Lena," it's all but a growl and you rest your forehead against hers.

Her eyes are dark and she's desperately struggling to come down and her hands are grasping tightly to your waist.

"I had _nothing_ to do with whoever that is." She says roughly, her lips hovering over yours once again and just as she once again begins to lower them and claim yours, another knock comes through halting it. You watch her close her eyes, one hand in her hair, another at her throat as she desperately tries to recover.

You don't bother with x-ray vision as the quickest way to get rid of whoever it is by slamming the door on their face, but that plan goes out the window at the bright smiles on the Olsens' faces and your sister's sheepish one greet you.

"Hey!"

"So I'm heading out in the morning and I thought, dinner?"

You turn to look at Lena but she's shaking her head, both hands held up. "I didn't forget!" She says immediately.

"No, no, I know it's last minute but I don't know when I'll be back again."

You bite your lip, fighting everything inside you that still wants to throw them all out and slam the door on their faces.

"Of course," you say, forcing a smile on your face.

"Let me just change into something more comfortable?" Lena says heading into the bedroom as you usher everyone in. James and Kelly head to the couch as Alex pulls you towards the kitchen.

"I'm so sorry." She whispers hurriedly. "I tried to talk them out of it but James was set on seeing you and Lena before he goes. And he's right, he probably won't be back anytime soon, and I tried to call you but I think your phone died? And Lena, of all nights not to pick up."

Something about the rush of words niggles at you but you can't place what it is for the moment and you settle for glowering slightly at your sister. It's not her fault but you can't very well show James and Kelly how you truly feel.

"You were in the middle of something weren't you?" She pries.

You glare at her. "Lena ordered Chinese." You say, planning to leave it at that, but you're kind of boiling and you can't. "And that's extremely thoughtful and I love how she plans for everything to like just unfold at the perfect time, but I feel like I haven't seen her all day and the delivery guy shows up and then there's you guys. And do you know she sent Andrea flowers this morning?"

"Whoa, Kar." Alex takes you by the shoulders. "Lena's not going anywhere."

"You don't know that." Rao, why does your voice sound so small.

Alex gives you an _'oh honey'_ look but doesn't say anything, just gives you a tight hug. You let the silent reassurance bring warmth to your fearful heart and shoot her a small pout as you pull away. She smushes your face, pushing you away and you decide you at least feel marginally better.

"Ready," Lena says, and your heart races once again at the sight of her. You love Lena in her power suits, in her corporate skirts and dresses, her silk blouses and tapered slacks, but Rao, does Lena in skin tight jeans and a casual top make your body scream with want.

She shoots you a look and once again you struggle to keep yourself in control.

Kelly and James get up from their places on the couch and start discussing your restaurant options and though Lena nods and smiles and responds as though it is any other time in the past, her gaze keeps flicking towards you as she steadily makes her way to you. Once within reach, she pulls you into her arms, slips her arm around your waist and presses a kiss on your cheek.

You allow yourself a moment, burying your face in her and letting her scent and the feel of her calm your heart. She's not going anywhere. You tell yourself. Lena is staying and she's not going to disappear. You'll have forever to love Lena Luthor, you'll make sure of it.


	14. Let me love you forever

Lena's fast asleep in your bed and it's honestly all you can do not to fall on your knees and weep. It's been an emotional couple of weeks for you, an emotional couple of months, years, Rao, decade really.

And you've lost people, you've lost family, a whole planet, a world, and then worlds. And it's been difficult. Really difficult, but you've made it, pushing, pulling, punching, fighting. You've destroyed and created and dug into the deepest recesses of your heart and soul, taken the one fervent dream, the most precious of all your secrets, the most undeniable of all your truths and vowed to reclaim your world.

And there she is.

Your light, you life, your hope, your heart and soul.

How do you tell her? How do you show her?

Because she is.

She is.

You'd almost gotten into an argument with James earlier tonight. Just before the night ended, Lena had taken a phone call outside and James had seemed to signal Kelly who had asked Alex to accompany her to the ladies' room. And you knew. Of course you knew what he was doing and it took the mountain of self-control you've had years to perfect not to take him down with the vitriol flowing through your veins.

James had dared ask you to be careful with Lena and take care of her. And you had _snapped._ You'd snapped because Lena is your heart. She IS. It's something you'd become painfully and very very fearfully afraid of in the recent months and you're angry, so terribly angry at everyone and everything. You're angry at James because you know, you _know_ how he had doubted Lena in the beginning even as _you_ had fought for her. Time and again he urged caution on you and though you did fight and defend Lena then as you always have, you let him get in your head. You let him try to sow fear and doubt, TRY because Rao, with Lena, even reason seems to just fly out the window. But he was also the primary reason you had been afraid for so long to tell Lena who you were because he had been the one to deliver that very first real blow that dealt the first crack on Supergirl's and Lena's relationship.

Of course, in the beginning, even as your heart had fallen at dizzying speed for the beautiful stranger Lena had been, drawn to her eyes, her lips, that quick tongue, that distinct and indubitably brilliant mind, you couldn't help but trust her. Truly. Idiotically perhaps, but truly. You don't think healthy distance and objectivity really ever existed in you where Lena was concerned, not even when she was working on things that made you afraid. Because you'd always believed Lena to be good, always, always. It was never her goodness that was questionable but the darkness in everybody else's. Because you're not stupid. Even when your friends, your family, your colleagues, when everyone thinks you're naive for trusting and believing in the goodness in people, it really isn't always true. You know the intricacies of good and bad, you know how trauma and pain tip the scales and bring even the best and strongest people to their knees. You know how easy it is to fall into anger, to lash out and want to even the scales.

And it was James who had dealt that first blow and you had retreated in fear, because even then, even when you had locked away that part of you that beat Lena's name like a mantra in your chest, you were deathly afraid to lose Lena's light. And you had forgiven him, because how could you not? How could you hold on to something like that when you yourself had made the massive mistake of asking him to betray her trust? So you forgave him. And stowed away the memory, vowing not to let fear and doubt like that creep in again. And you hadn't let it. Not even when you thought she'd decided to work with her brother. No, no. Not even then. Never again. Never ever.

And you had watched, as James finally saw Lena, _loved_ Lena. Because how could he not? How could anyone not love Lena? And she deserved to be loved even when you couldn't love her the way you had truly wanted to.

And you had loved too. You had loved Mon-El, and yes, you had despaired, and you were hurt and angry and yes, it pained you. You loved him. You swear you loved him... Just in your own way, in the only way you could love when it already beat for another. And for a time the part that loved Lena, though irrevocable and infinite in its existence, calmed and quieted. And yes, perhaps you idealized your love for him far more than you should have, romanticizing it and letting it consume conscious thought. Because you had lost him. You had put the man you loved in a pod and lost him. And it was okay to have been angry, to have been lost. It was reasonable and understandable and it was okay to feel it. It was tangible, the pain and hurt that you had felt then and you let it take hold of you. Because the way Lena made you feel... That wasn't at all reasonable. No one knew but you. So it wasn't reasonable at all. Not at all. So you couldn't let it break you when for years it's all its truly done without conscious acknowledgement.

And you're a coward, you've been a coward from the moment you met Lena Luthor, because you've always known nothing would break you the way she could. So shrouded, hidden, locked up deep inside you lest it comes out and shatter the most precious of bonds, you let it be denied.

And you felt stronger. Friends, _best_ friends, you can do that. James would love Lena in the light and you would deny the depths of _your_ love for her in the dark. Because even acknowledging it in the darkness would have broken you. Because to acknowledge it, to let it out in its intensity and truth even for just a _moment_ would shatter your peace, your world.

And you vowed to forgive James. You vowed to forgive every stupid thing he's done if he'd love Lena and lift her up the way you couldn't even properly acknowledge you desperately wanted to do yourself.

So you're angry, very very angry even when he's one of your best friends, even when you know he's grown a lot since that time, and that he, apart from you should be the one who knows Lena best now, that he loves her and considers her family.

You're angry because he's the embodiment of all your failures. You had pinned your hopes on him. You'd wanted so desperately for him to be everything you wanted but couldn't be for Lena and he had failed. _He_ hadn't been _careful_ with her, _he_ hadn't taken _care_ of her, _he_ hadn't protected her. And you hate yourself for it.

Yourself. Yourself. Yourself.

It's yourself you really hate and are angry at because you were a coward and it was never supposed to be him but you. It was never supposed to be Mon-El but Lena. And you know you loved Mon-El and Lena loved James, but you've seen the depths of Lena's pain and you know, you _know_ how she loves _you._ And you know the depths of _yours_ and _know_ you love _her._

So even when it's not his fault, but yours, you're angry at him. You're angry for every moment he had her and you didn't, every moment you lost because you were afraid of the intensity of love you felt for her. You're angry for every moment you loved another, for every moment you grieved even greater than that love you truly actually had for him. Because it's a farce. All of it is a farce compared to the love Lena inspires in you.

You had lost a whole world. You had lost both your mothers. You had lost your _sister._ You had lost your friends. You had lost your very soul. And you don't know how your heart continued to beat because you swear you lost your mind. The moment you lost Lena, you lost yourself and only the goal of getting her back brought you back to sanity.

So yes, the sight of Lena asleep in your bed makes you want to weep.

It's everything you've ever wanted for years, since before you even knew her. The way you feel about her is everything it's supposed to be, and so much more. It's more than everything ever written, more than you can express in both Human and Kryptonian tongue. It's all-encompassing, the way you love Lena Luthor, and now that it's out, now that she knows, now that you're allowing yourself to feel it, now that she's allowing you to love her, you know you're nowhere near done falling.

And so fighting the turmoil brewing inside of you, you kneel before her on the bed. You reign in your tears and and press your head against her belly, careful so as not to wake her.

Lena, Lena, Lena. Your heart continues to beat out her name, its mantra, always, always. You take in deep shaky breaths to quell the intermingling love and fear that you feel.

"Kara..." Her voice is thick with sleep, and you burrow into her stomach further, hiding your face, afraid to show her how you're close to breaking. She's gone through so much since she's found out the truth and you can't bear to put her through any more.

"Is everyone safe?" She asks, running her fingers through your hair.

And you fight the tears, you really do. Because she deserves better from you, she deserves better and more, more, more. She deserves everything good in this world and you vow to give her that.

But they fall. Your tears fall. Because she is Lena. And she is your light, and your life, and your heart and soul. And she is yours. Finally, finally.

"Darling." You feel her fear. And you can't let her be afraid. So you lift your head and you smile at her through the tears you can't stop.

She takes you into her arms and she is strong. Through her fears she kisses you, weaving her hands into your hair. "I'm right here, Kara." She tells you and it calms your heart and soothes your soul.

"You're all I've _ever_ wanted, Lena." You whisper fervently. "I need you to know that. I need you to believe that."

"I do." She promises, wiping your tears. "I do."

"Do you?" And it's hurting you far more than it should, or maybe _exactly_ as it should. Because you should have been better. You should have been stronger. You should have been braver. Losing Lena was never an option. _Never._ And her not knowing the singularity of your love for her should have also never been an option. Because she deserves to be loved in all the ways you've ever felt, at every second, at every moment of forever.

"Because you died!" and it's a wail, torn from somewhere deep inside. "You died and I lost you forever."

"I'm here." Her eyes alight with something akin to desperation. "I'm here."

"And I almost died. I was going to die." You confess, your heart feels as though it's shattering all over again. "And I would die a thousand times for you Lena. I would die for you every time if it meant that you would live."

"Kara... Kara..." She's sobbing and your heart continues to shatter into infinitesimal pieces.

"But you're such an idiot." You tell her passionately, with every bit of anger you can muster whilst you're breaking. "You won't let people in, and you won't let them love you. And you can't get it into that big brilliant brain of yours that you are good. So so fucking _GOOD._ Because you are. You are Lena. And they couldn't see it because of your brother. And you let them make you doubt yourself. But you are good. You are. And I was so afraid of how you made me feel because I loved you damn much. So so much, Lena. And I would have chosen you over the world. Over and over. A thousand, a million times over. I would have chosen _you_ every single time."

Tears are running down her face and she's quiet, but she's listening. She's listening and you need her to know. She needs to know.

"And no one, _no one_ has ever made me feel that way but you. Just YOU. And I was so afraid of that that I never told you. Kryptonite has _nothing_ on you, Lena Luthor."

"Kara..."

"And it wasn't fair for you not to know." You continue. "Because you deserve everything I have to give you and so much more. You deserve everything, Lena. Everything all the worlds had to offer. You deserve to be loved, to be adored. And I do. I love you. And I adore you. And I didn't want to be gone and not have had you know. Because you're a stubborn idiot who can't see she's worth all the stars in the universe."

And you have to stop because she's kissing you again through both your tears and you think finally maybe she understands. _\- Please let her understand. -_

"You're alive, Kara." She tells you, wiping away your tears. "And you're here with me."

"I am." You agree. "But I could have not been and you would have believed I didn't trust you, that I betrayed you, that you weren't worthy."

The flicker in her eyes tells you you're right and it is the fact that you are both alive and that you intend on spending your whole life making her believe everything you're saying that keeps you from shattering all over again.

"But you are, Lena." You assure her. "You're worthy of everything good. And I betrayed you. And myself. Because I've loved you for so long. And it was easier to hide Supergirl. Because it wasn't ever as important as loving you. And I do. I do, I do, I do. I love you, Lena."

"I know, darling." She tells you. "I know. You've told me and I know. And you're right here, I'm right here. And it's not too late."

"It's not." You agree because it's true. It's not too late, you won't let it be too late.

So you kiss her lips, her tears intermingling with yours. "I'll love you forever, Lena. Let me love you forever."


	15. The mistakes we make

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure it's pretty evident by now that I think the world of Lena. I don't for a moment discount the fact that everyone keeping Supergirl's identity a secret really was a betrayal, but as I think the world of Lena, I also hold her to a higher standard. I believe not only in her inherent goodness that we've seen over the course of the seasons, but in her intelligence as well. I think even with the world of hurt she's feeling, if people continuously refuse to let her go, Lena can't not see it, she can't not let them in despite whatever façade she has in place.
> 
> This is another one of my favorites so I really hope you guys like it too.

"Oh my God, Lena." Alex practically wheezes, "You seriously should have seen her."

It's just you and Alex at her apartment, Kara off investigating for an article and Kelly home at hers after a grueling week with an even worse workload promised over the weekend. And it's nice, hanging out with Alex, and just Alex again. She's always been the one you've had the most in common with, her scientific inclinations coming to the fore when she's with you. It used to be you, her and Winn, but it hasn't been that way since he'd left and you've been careful not to mourn the loss of a man saving the world thousands of years into the future, living what you know must be a spectacular life.

" _'Girls, Alex?'_ And she looked so confused you know? Like I was the one who didn't understand what she was saying. You know that look on her face? The crinkle with the _'I-try-so-hard-to-find-the-best-in-people-but-why-is-it-so-hard-to-find-it-in-you'_ look coupled with the _'Are-you-stupid?-Are-you-really-actually-stupid?'_ look."

You don't actually know what she means, Kara's _never_ given you that look before so you shake your head, brows furrowed but a smile playing on your lips as you try to picture what that sort of look would be on Kara' s bright, beautiful face.

"It's the way she looked at Mon-El all the time. Didn't you notice?"

And his name gives you pause, his memory, the memory of Kara and her pain.

"Oh Lena," Alex sounds exasperated and she rolls her eyes at you, tipping more wine into your almost empty glass. "You know what she said? God, it's something I'm never going to forget. She said _'Girls, Alex? I don't like GIRLS. I don't like BOYS. I like LENA.'_ Like you're a whole sexual orientation!"

There's a flutter in your heart and you don't know if you've ever been as grateful as you are that Alex Danvers is your friend. Yes, you're now quite aware of the number of times she's saved your life, particularly the time you'd been poisoned and Kara had flown you out without even having changed into her suit. These are the types of stories you've heard a lot of in the past months, the very stories kept hidden from you that you've been wondering about and dying to know. Alex's stories are both salve to your doubts and insecurities and hurts, and a branch of friendship.

At first you had thought it was guilt. Guilt in the part she played at the shattering of your friendship with Kara, guilt for hacking you, guilt for attacking you, guilt for not believing in you. And then you thought it was gratitude. Gratitude for helping try to evacuate everyone during crisis, gratitude because she was finally able to move past her worries and was able to remember the number of times you had helped save her sister and the world. And then you thought it was for Kara. For Kara who despite what everyone had said continued to believe in you, defend you and fight for you. And perhaps it had been all that. But in the dozens of calls she must have made to you, some lasting no more than a handful of seconds, some actual whole minutes, some much much longer, it had slowly become evident to you that it was as much about Kara as it was about you and her.

Alex had seen you as a friend. You were part of the makeshift family she and Kara had been creating in National City for years. And Alex, with her own mountain of issues, had in her own way, reached out and refused to let you go.

"So get that look off your face." Alex continues. "Because you were with James waaay longer than she was with Mon-El. And trust me, I _know_ my sister. If she had to put _you_ in a pod to save _your_ life, she'd be right there in that damn pod with you."

And she makes you feel warm and loved and valued, recounting everything you missed over the years little by little. Kara's love is different as your love is for her. It's all-consuming, everything both reasonable and unreasonable in the universe wrapped in a tangled mess of you and her.

"Did you really not see how she looked at you?" It's gentle, so gentle, as are her eyes and smile. She makes you feel so young and naive and blindly in love. "She looked at you like you were everything good in this universe... She _still_ looks at you like that."

And so it's become a relatively regular thing that you and she do, wine and scotch, vodka and tequila, just you and her, no girlfriends, no Supergirl or Super friends, though talk of them is almost always part of the night. Sometimes you think Alex tells you more than she should. That she's also afraid that you'll one day change your mind and decide to trade all of them in for your mother and your brother. She told you as much one night, a night she got particularly drunk, a date with a particularly bittersweet memory of Maggie. She'd asked you not to leave. Not to leave her sister, not to abandon your family, not to ever again risk dismantling the home you've all been building for years.

And you tell her it's enough. You thank her for the stories, for the times she's verbally kicked your ass, for the glimpses she's given you of Kara that only she, as a sister, would ever be privy to. She shares everything she can of Kara with you, convinced that if you know Kara, see Kara, you couldn't possibly not be drawn, not see and fall and love.

And she's right. She's definitely right. Because falling for Kara was never not in the cards for you. If you hadn't been so wrapped in your own fears at how you had felt about her the moment you met her, you'd have seen, you'd have _known_ that you and her are inevitable. But you see now. You _know_ now.

And you never needed Alex Danvers to show you.

But you had needed her anger. You needed the iron grip she kept on you, sharp and angry, sharp and painful, sharp, sharp, sharp with all the things you should have always known but didn't.

Some nights consist of stories about Kara, stories upon stories about Kara, some about your former research, the tech you've lost and need to replace, the years lost and wasted because of your brother's obsessions. Sometimes it's about your fears. Some nights it's about hers. And always your heart aches because for all of Alex's strength and independence, her daring, bravery, gumption and perseverance, you know it's all she can sometimes do to hang on.

"I think I made a mistake..." It's barely audible and said only as she's walking you to the door. Your eyes widen and your heart constricts because you know how difficult it is for her to say that out loud. Well, out loud and mostly sober.

You don't know what to say. There's so much you can say and yet you don't know where to begin.

"I told her she felt like home..." Alex continues, not meeting your gaze. "And God, I really really wanted her to be that. Who does that? Who lies about something like that?"

"When James found out I went behind his back to get the DA to drop the charges against Guardian, I told him there was no line in the universe I wouldn't cross to keep him safe." And you take a deep and shaky breath, leaning against the door holding your face in your hands. "Because I really wanted him to be that... But it wasn't."

Alex sighs. "I promised I'd help her heal. I promised I'd try. That I'd be there for her."

"You are." You tell her firmly. "You are and you _do_ love her. She's just not..." And you pause because you're not sure it's the right time to say it. But Alex is open and maybe she's ready. "Your greatest love."

"Everything I've told her..." Alex runs a finger through her hair in frustration. "It's like I've been lying to her, making her feel safe and secure and leading her on. I went too fast. And it's wrong. I just... There was chemistry and it's been so long since I felt any real pull for anyone. And I wanted it to be her."

"But she's not..." You say softly, knowing Alex needs to hear it but also afraid of the gravity of your words.

"She's not." Alex sighs. "And seeing you and Kara... Knowing how happy you are, how happy she is. And God, Lena, that's what is supposed to be like. The way you look at her, the way she looks at you, the way she doesn't see anything but you the second you enter a room. The way you smile at her, the way she pulls you close."

She sighs again. "That's what it's supposed to be like. I _remember_ how that feels. And I just... I want it to be her so badly."

"But it's not..." You repeat. She needs to hear it. She needs to say it. She needs to face it.

"But it's not." Her eyes look lost, hollow and haunted.

There's a knock on the door and though your heart flutters because you know it's Kara come to pick you up before heading for home, you don't open it. You stay rooted on the spot, eyes on Alex, waiting and giving her time to compose herself. You know why Alex talks to you about it instead of Kara. You don't judge, you don't encourage, some days you barely even acknowledge that she's said anything about it at all. You know Alex needs that. She needs the space, she needs the time, she needs the freedom to hide and run and deny and despair all on her own without having to worry about how she's affecting anyone else, most of all Kara.

So she tells YOU. And mostly you're silent. You're silent even though you've been checking up on Maggie also relatively regularly, choosing to drop by her precinct often unannounced with tea lattes and danishes, Maggie's favorites. You don't tell Alex. But Kara knows. Kara knows the time you carve out of your schedule so you can drop in on Maggie. And honestly, it's almost laughable, the amount of time you're spending outside of your company these days considering you have three years of research and tech to get caught up on.

But they're family. Kara and Alex, J'onn and Brainy and Nia, James and Kelly... And Maggie. Maggie was family too but you were too busy and too afraid back then to hold on. You were still silently drowning in your insecurities and only Kara, in spite of what she's done, in spite of what they've all done, has you treading and breathing.

Some days are still hard for you, but they're becoming less so. Each new day with Kara; each silly and earnest and mischievous text from Nia; each fatherly pat and embrace from J'onn, his eyes always so gentle and understanding, his demeanor always so accepting and comforting; each page Alex turns and reveals to you; all of them make it better.

And sometimes you miss James, but you're also glad he's gone and away, not only because he is safe but also because you are guilty. Guilty for never having loved him the way you have always loved Kara. Guilty because you know he was always going to fall short because even if you had only known the parts of Kara she had let you see, and yes, a part of you had always known you weren't seeing all of her, her brightness was always so blinding that everybody else was always just shadows. You never truly saw James, never truly gave yourself to him because even as you tried and wanted to, your whole being always screamed out for Kara. Kara, Kara, Kara. Always Kara.

So even when you like Kelly and think she is, in a lot of ways, actually good for Alex, you reach out to Maggie. Because you know what it's like to only ever truly see and want and yearn and _belong_ to one person mo matter how badly you try to deny it, no matter how badly you want it to not be true because you're terrified of never being whole again.

Kara knocks again and Alex nods towards you. You pull the door open without yet turning, not quite ready to let go of Alex's gaze, not quite sure you're ready to leave her alone to her thoughts and confusion and pain.

Because of course there's pain. Every day you hadn't had Kara was a day of insatiable quiet ache deep in your soul hidden behind smiles and laughter. And you imagine Alex feels something similar.

Kara pulls you into her arms and you spin to face her when you see Alex's gaze brighten at the sight of her sister. The smile on your face is immediate. It's difficult not to be happy when Kara looks at you the way that she does, and reaches for you as though she can't stand the distance, and holds you close.

"Hi," Kara tells you softly placing a soft, chaste kiss on your lips. "You two have a good night?"

You nod your head, humming a little as you pull her in for another kiss hello. You want to bask in her presence, breathe her in and allow yourself to drown in her, but you pull away. Alex may understand, accept and approve of your happiness and her sister's happiness but you know the ache and longing it inspires as well. And it hasn't just been you who has had a lot to deal with, not just Kara, but Alex too.

So pull away you do, though you keep Kara's hand in yours, as if Kara would actually allow you to let go, and you turn towards Alex once again. "Thanks, Alex." You tell her. "Tequila on the rooftop next time."

Alex nods her agreement and approval and you give her a small wave as you move aside so she and Kara can talk before you two leave, but Alex calls you back.

"Hey, Lena." She says, soft smile on her face. "You know there's no line in the universe we wouldn't cross to keep YOU, right?"

And you have to fight not cry because you know it's true. If the past few months have shown you anything it's that it's true, undeniably, irrevocably, indubitably.

"Hey," Kara whines behind you as her hold on you tightens. "Mine." She says petulantly and Alex rolls her eyes and laughs.

"What are you, four?"

"I'll fight you, Alex!"

"I don't know what you see in her." Alex tells you with another roll of her eyes.

Kara harumphs behind you and you laugh.

Alex beckons Kara over who sinks into her in a hug. "You're such a doofus." She continues, poking Kara in the cheek.

"One of the many many MANY reasons you love me." Kara says clearly pleased with herself. Then her voice drops to a concerned whisper. "You okay?"

Alex's eyes flick towards you and you give her a small encouraging smile. When she looks at Kara again she places her hands on Kara's face and smushes, laughing when Kara lets out an annoyed squeak.

"Thought you were smart, Luthor." She quips. "how'd you end up with a chipmunk?"

"Aaaaleeeex," Kara whines again.

"I'm good." Alex responds with a small but genuine smile.

And you'll take it. Because it may be small but you know it's real, and you know Kara's already cheered her sister up just by showing up.

"Love you." Kara tells her, arms wrapping around her tightly once again.

"Love you too." Alex replies. "You too" She adds, pointing a finger at you.

"I really WILL fight you, Alex." Kara threatens again and you burst out laughing yet again.

"Doofus." Alex reiterates, a fond smile at her sister as she pushes the both of you out the door.


	16. For now

"Lee," Kara starts a handful of nights later as you're reading up on quantum entanglement to try and distract yourself from the slow progress with the air cleaning nanites you're working on at the lab.

You're relieved that the airlocked suit you have recreated has been completed, mostly because it was your own personal design, created and built by you alone with no direct input from anyone on your staff, unlike a lot of the others. You've never begrudged the time you've spent as CEO of L-Corp as much as you do now. You'd tried to balance your time as much as possible between your duties running the company and living out your passion, experimenting and tinkering, building and creating in the labs. And for the most part, you think you'd done really well. You'd kept L-Corp profitable, your board and main shareholders satisfied with their profit margin, the charitable institutions you yourself had handpicked lacking for nothing, and still you'd had your passion projects, the renewable energy ones, not the ethically ambiguous ones with Kryptonite and Harun-el, and certainly not Non Nocere, and now your asshole of a brother is adding to the air pollution you haven't even solved yet with his weapons projects.

It grates on you, it really does. But Lex has stayed out of your way, and so you stay out of his, at least visibly anyway. You keep tabs on him, as you're sure he keeps tabs on you, and you take painstaking care to keep your Supergirl projects out of his reach, trying to see from his point of view what weaknesses he can focus on to hurt and bring Kara down.

"Yes, darling." You reply absentmidedly as you turn another page. You're doing both, reading without consciously thinking of the specific words as your mind flies to how else you can shield Kara from the synthetic Kryptonite you know your brother has now also figured out and been able to make.

"Lena..." She says with a slight whine.

"Kara," You reply biting back a smile. You don't need to look at her to know she's pouting.

She takes the book out of your hands, hiding it behind her and you finally look at her as you try and stifle a yawn. "What is it, darling?"

"Let's dance," She says, a brilliant smile on her face.

"To what?" You ask, rubbing her cheek with the pad of your thumb affectionately. "There's no -" but before you can even finish she's all but a blur and soft jazz starts playing and the room is bathed in mostly darkness with a smattering of lit candles giving the room a warm glow.

"My lady," says bowing before you, hand stretched out and waiting for yours.

You chuckle softly as you place your hand in hers and let her sweep you into her arms. She dips and twirls you for the first few songs, spinning you and making you laugh until you are breathless with mirth. You hold her tightly, head on her shoulder. You feel her sigh as she pulls you impossibly closer to her, her body tensing.

"Darling, what's wrong?" You ask, pulling away. She shakes her head, a small smile on her face, but the sadness in her eyes is palpable. "Tell me, Kara..."

"Do you think..." Her voice is soft, her gaze unwilling to meet yours. "Do you think maybe you'll trust me again? Maybe not soon... But maybe... soon?"

It's adorable, it really is, but your heart clenches painfully in your chest because you know she's hurting. "I do trust you."

"Yeah, I know... But I mean, like really trust me again? Not now, obviously. But maybe soon? Not too soon, but soon? Do you think that's possible?"

You hold her face, your fingers brushing at her cheeks, waiting for her to meet your eyes before you speak. "Kara, there's no one I trust more than I trust you." Your voice is calm, your tone firm, your gaze steady. "There's no need for _soon._ I trust you _now._ So please... Tell me what this is about."

"You don't talk about work with me." She tells you quietly.

"Work?" You're a little confused.

"Work." She responds. "You're always forgetting to eat because of work, always coming home late, leaving early, forgetting breakfast and lunch. _And_ dinner. You're always in meetings and missing game nights and down in your labs."

"You mean I was...?" You ask, still confused because you haven't worked a single night past seven in the last couple of months and you've been having breakfast with Kara before work every single day as well.

"You were." She agrees, correcting herself. "And now he's taken over everything and you don't talk about work anymore."

She's quiet for a minute and you try and figure out what she's actually trying to say. There were times when it had nothing to do with hiding, with lack of trust, with lying. Kara isn't always as direct and easy to read. There are times wherein you've found yourself having to navigate that less than direct thought process and though it had used to fill you with nervousness and doubt, leaving you to second guess yourself, now all you feel is a need to understand and soothe. There have been enough secrets and misunderstandings to last you two several lifetimes and you don't want to waste any more time hiding from her and her having to hide from you.

You've spent years feigning confidence, refusing to let your mother, your competitors, your shareholders, see you shaken and unsure. Your mother had always warned you not to show the world your vulnerabilities, and as a child, a child starved for affection and positive regard, you had been buried under a mountain of doubts and uncertainties with the lack of familial support, vulnerable, blustering through the days with a facade of cool distance. But Kara's long since thawed the icy wall you've built around your heart, around your soul. And with the brilliance of her smile, the warmth of her affection, her belief in you so strong and unshakable and now you know unconditional, you feel more yourself than you ever have.

"Darling," You begin, laying a soft kiss on her lips before continuing, "I don't work as much as I used to. Not since Lex. I've been home with you almost every night since. You know that."

"You're almost never in your office anymore." She says, brows furrowed. And you remember the times she'd visit you both as Kara and as Supergirl, the days of tentative friendship and then adorably the earnest ones, and then the heartrending ones of days and weeks of the both of you drowning in the darkness of both your betrayals. You remember the times she'd hover outside your balcony, checking up on you late into the night even when there were no threats and no evident reason to, watching, hoping, waiting for you to acknowledge and reach out for her.

"I'm not." You agree. "Lex wanted me to be CFO and I refused. He can't rewrite reality and take my company, dissolve my projects and expect me to run the company for him. I've mostly vacated that office." You were loathe to but only because of the memories it held of the time you and Kara spent there building your friendship.

"You don't let me pick you up at work." Kara replies pulling away and wringing her hands. "You don't want me coming over and having lunch with you. You don't even want me dropping anything off for you."

"I don't." You agree again, keeping your voice firm and steady as you watch her get even more worked up. "I know Lex knows about us. He can't not, darling. I've barely been back at my apartment in over two months. But I'm not about to parade you in front of him. That would be antagonizing the beast."

"Are you ashamed of me?"

"Of you?" You laugh darkly. "No, love, I could _never_ be ashamed of you. I'm ashamed of my homicidal psychopath of a brother who's not only tried to kill your cousin more times than I can count but you as well."

"I'm not afraid of him." She replies hotly.

"It's not about being afraid." Your voice has risen, a slight panic bubbling inside you. "It's about caution and thinking steps ahead."

"Tell me I'm not losing you."

And there it is, the pain. It's searing really, the pain she feels claws it's way to you and you fight not to buckle under it.

"You will _never_ lose me, Kara." You promise. You promise because you know it's true. "I'm yours. Just yours. I've been yours even before you knew it, even before I could tell you. I was yours then and I'm yours now. And nothing is going to change that."

"I'm not afraid, Lena. Not of him." She whispers again, pulling you into her arms. "The only thing I'm afraid of is losing you."

"And I'm not afraid of _him,_ Kara. But he's my brother. I know him and it's one thing for him to guess, for him to know, but to dangle you in front of him..." You breathe in deeply. "I haven't figured out how to counter Kryptonite yet, and we both know that's not the only way he can hurt you."

Your hands clutch at her waist as you look deeply into her eyes. "So for now, we dance, darling. We dance and play and _pretend_ he's outside and that we don't know he's looking in. And we get ready and we plan and we work. And darling, we live, and we love. But for now we have to _dance,_ we have to _play._ I need to stay close and be smart so when he strikes it's his only chance and we take him down."

"I love you, Lena."

"And I love _you._ " You wrap your arms around her neck, lifting yourself up to your toes to kiss her. "I promise I'm yours. For now and for always. But when he realizes that, he'll come for you. Lex has never liked sharing."

"I like sharing." Kara tells you, warm breath ghosting at your lips, her voice rough. "Just not _you._ You, _Lena..._ I want all to myself."

She catches you when your knees buckle at her words, her eyes dark. She hoists you up against her, her hands on your thighs and you moan as you wrap your legs around her.

"Take me to bed, Kara." You all but whimper against her.

She does.


	17. I will carry you

Eventually, you do talk about Lex, though Lena had tried to avoid it for as long as possible and didn't disclose much more than she's got it covered in the meantime and not to over-worry about it for the present.

You talk about Andrea and her sadness, her regret, her guilt and very recent deception and betrayal of her old friend.

You get around to talking about William and she'd sighed and encouraged you to continue trying to bring him around to keep him safe even promising to be better than civil so as to make him more comfortable as she claims she'd also once been a stray you'd brought home. You'd quickly disabused her of that ridiculous notion, Lena Luthor was never a stray you had brought home, she was the very light you had wanted your home to be filled with, and in recent months, home had become nothing but an empty shell of a word without her.

And you even talk about James, who, to your surprise, you find out had been the first to reach out to Lena after you'd told her the truth. He had apologized to her for keeping the secret from her even as it was never his secret to tell, and as she had hidden from all of you how betrayed she had truly felt. Lena tells you of how James himself had confessed to her the times he had doubted her and encouraged _you_ to be critical of her as well, of how you'd fought him and everyone else over and over and defended her to them. She tells you of her guilt at never having been able to love him the way he should've been loved, of trying and failing to love him as more than one of her dearest friends, as more than family.

And so you talk about Mon-El. About how different he was from her and how easy it was to throw yourself into a love that didn't consume your every waking moment, how you were truly more concerned you'd sent him to his death out in the galaxy than you were at having lost him, how guilt-ridden you were at how easy it was to choose the world over the man you were supposed to love, how you had hoped and prayed he would be the one to keep you from the all-consuming love you felt for her, a love you thought you would never be allowed to live out.

You talk about it. All of it. Sometimes as the sun is rising in the sky, mostly her waking you, nuzzling her nose into your neck before dragging you towards the windows; sometimes over pink and orange sunsets on lazy Sunday afternoons; sometimes while lounging in the tub together after particularly difficult and busy days with her favorite tarty red and your favorite sweet white; sometimes at one in the morning while waiting for the for the oven to ding and announce that your chocolate chip and her oatmeal raisin cookies are done; sometimes it's during your walks home from dinner at the numerous restaurants you and she love; sometimes it's over nothing at all, just your arms around her, hers around you.

And you're happy. The happiest you've ever been. But it's also the most _afraid_ you've ever been. Because being with Lena is even better than you'd imagined, even better than you'd dared dream. 

Lena is... Spectacular. She is intelligent and kind, beautiful and soft, passionate and warm and bright. She's everything you've always known she was, everything and more, more, more. Each night she presses into you your heart melts, each time she smiles, your heart races, each hug, each kiss, each touch, makes your body sing, your heart dance, your soul soar. And you are happy. You are happy and content, satisfied and fulfilled and utterly _utterly_ in love.

There are days and nights, hours throughout, moments, minutes, seconds and heartbeats where you are rocked by fear so great that your heart beats wildly, spins and plummets. You're lucky when it happens at breakfast and she is there across the table smiling at you, across the kitchen scrounging for milk and fruit, in the bathroom blinking sleep away as she brushes her teeth. You're lucky when it happens after sundown and she's curled up against you on the couch, lost in quantum fields, string, superstring and supersymmtery, astro and plasma physics, splayed out on the bed jotting down ideas and sketching prototypes, or throwing together a salad for dinner, hair down, barefoot and comfortable and home. You're lucky when it hits you and she is around and the sight and feel of her can reassure you that she is there, alive and well and whole, and finally yours.

But sometimes it isn't the case. Sometimes it hits you when you're at the tower with J'onn and Alex and you stop speaking in the middle of a conversation because the loss, the grief and fear, it feels as though they literally come from nowhere and you have to fight to swim out of that darkness. Sometimes it happens at staff meanings with William, Nia and Andrea, your heart suddenly pounding irrationally fast, and falling falling falling. Sometimes it happens when you are Supergirl, while putting out fires and averting catastrophes.

Sometimes you are afraid, but always, always, you are happy.

Tonight is one of those rare nights Lena isn't home for dinner. She had a short early dinner with Maggie in lieu of their usual and is picking Andrea up afterwards for game night. It's the first game night wherein other people outside your core group are once again invited.

The last three times consisted of just you, Lena, of course, your sister and Kelly, J'onn, Nia, and though it had been a little awkward, Brainy. But Lena had insisted, and it's difficult for you to deny her anything not only because of how you love her but because she's often right about so many things. Of course, she's told you what little she knows of what Brainy is up to and you'd sworn to tell no one, not even Alex, but still you'd been worried because Nia is young and has already been through so much and because Brainy has made a decision and fully believes what he's doing is essential for the survival of more than just humanity. You know what it's like to have had to hide from the one person who holds your heart, you know what it's like to deny the fiercest and most fervent of all emotions, you know how it hurts and hurts and hurts. But Lena had insisted and you trust her.

In the first hour of that first game night, your heart had broken at the sight of Brainy all stiff and uncomfortable and at what you think he must've been feeling. You'd gravitated to him as Lena had literally taken Nia in her arms, the younger girl trembling every so often beside her, as she stringently kept her gaze averted and away from you and Brainy. It hadn't been the best or most relaxing of nights, quite far from it if you're completely honest, but even Kelly had looked on in gentle though silent approval, all of you helping navigate and facilitate the healing and mending of your little family, game after game.

The second one two weeks later was explosive. A push and pull initiated by Nia, and as always, Brainy is drawn and trapped, unable to both engage and disengage, floundering helplessly as Nia went from vicious to apologetic to cruel and sad in the hours that followed. You'd been worried throughout, but Lena's gaze reassured and settled you, as did Kelly's who smoothed everything over each and every time.

The third one two weeks ago was much better with Nia able to meet Brainy's gaze across the room, though Brainy's eyes were often wide and wild and caught, often stammering at Nia's gentle smiles, comments and queries. More than once you'd caught him throwing her silent forlorn looks, trying and failing over and over to keep his eyes from falling on her. But he loves her, deeply, irrevocably perhaps, and so he'd failed, drawn drawn drawn, over and over again to her smile, her laugh, her voice.

And tonight, it's more than just you, more than just Lena, more than just Nia and Brainy, J'onn and Alex and Kelly. Lena's asked to hold it at her penthouse rooftop, one she's barely been on in the past three months, and she's asked to bring Andrea and William, who she had invited herself during her last visit to CatCo, all in her on-going attempt to help you keep him safe in his efforts to uncover the truth about Lex. It's also the anniversary of Andrea's father's death and Lena being the Lena, complete and utter mush on the inside, hadn't wanted her to wallow and be alone.

And it's going pretty well. J'onn is chatting amiably with Lena, Kelly, and Andrea over by a mini greenhouse housing a relatively incredible collection of succulents for a rootop garden in little old National City, many of which Lena has told you have actually been gifted to her by J'onn in the past few months; your sister is off to the side trying to show William, of all people, some self-defense techniques; and Brainy and Nia only somewhat awkwardly trying to get through a game of Dominion on large flat patio cushions on the floor. It's somewhat more festive than your usual game nights, Lena had ordered a handful of dishes from the new Spanish restaurant you and she had recently discovered and it's really more a tiny dinner party than actual game night. You think she's easing Andrea in, bringing _her_ first stray home.

She looks towards you, perhaps feeling your eyes return to her, because of course you're looking at her, when are you ever not? She's the brightest, most beautiful being in your universe and you don't ever want to look away. She's smiling softly at you, biting her lip, and she's flustered and blushes when Kelly asks her a question thrice that she doesn't hear because she's lost in your eyes. You can't help the content sigh that falls from your lips when she excuses herself from their conversation and makes her way to you.

You reach for her the moment she is close enough, pulling her into your arms. Her arms wrap around your neck and you let your feet lift off the roof just a few inches.

"Kara!" She whispers in admonishment, likely unsurprised as you're often doing it when she's in the your arms, but her exasperation at your antics while you're out in public shines through. She's such a worrier, so much more concerned about keeping your secret secret than you are. "Stop it. You don't know if they're looking."

"Maybe they'll think they're drunk."

"I think _you're_ drunk." She mumbles against you.

You land, slowly, gently, so as not to jostle her. She wraps her arms tighter around you, pulling you even closer to her as her feet meet the roof once again.

"Drunk on you." You tell her cheekily, wagging your eyebrows.

She laughs. Loudly, fully, happily, lightly. And your family turns and looks on, soft, fond, relieved, happy, content smiles on their faces. You pull away from her, twirling her and she squeals when you dip her.

"Kara!" She's breathless with laughter and your heart thrums with happiness and light.

And you tell her. Just as you'd promised, just as you'd vowed. You tell her how her smile, her laughter, fills you with warmth and happiness. You tell her you love her.

And _she_ tells _you._ She tells you she loves you. She tells you that _you_ fill her with warmth and happiness, that each smile, each laugh, each flutter and beat of her heart is yours.

She tells you she's yours.

Yours, yours, yours.

And by God and Rao, you'll take her, and keep her, all of her, everything you can have, everything she's willing to give, you'll take and keep, always, always, always.

Always and forever.

Yours. Yours, all yours.


	18. Daring

"Darling," You say softly, tiredly, sat on the couch of your office at half past one, phone pressed to your ear. "Think you could come take me home?"

Her answer comes in the form of whipping wind and you hum appreciatively before hanging up and placing your phone beside you, letting your head fall to rest on the top of the couch, closing your eyes for a moment knowing she'll come sweeping in soon.

You've been at Luthor Corp for the past few days, alternating between supervising your team, crafting the presentations yourself and poring over the numbers, and you haven't seen her since.

"SuperAir at your service," She finally says in front of you, no more than a whisper, smiling softly at you. She's an absolute sight for sore eyes, a little ray of sunshine in red and blue, her hair a golden halo.

"Hi..." You say, smiling at her.

She keeps smiling, crossing her arms over her chest. "Lena Luthor done saving the world the world this week?"

"Three projects safe for the next twelve months." You groan. "But I couldn't get enough votes on the evapotranspiration tech we've been working on. I can't get a prototype ready in time so Lex gets to siphon the funding for that for... _Border defense._ " It disgusts you, it does, but you've already got so much on your plate that you know you can't touch it.

Kara's smile doesn't waver despite the topic at hand, she merely looks at you silently, that sweet smile on her lips. Wind filters in through the open windows and you let out a soft sigh as the fresh cold air hits your face, seemingly alleviating some of the pounding in your head.

You'd gotten the memo about the re-evaluation of Luthor Corp projects three nights ago and you'd immediately rushed to the office and pulled every available file on hand as well as calling in your various R & D teams tasked with your projects. You'd checked and discovered with no difficulty at all that Lex had tabled only your green projects and was calling for a vote of dissolution of them in 48 hours. It had taken you great self control not to march into his office and throttle him with your bare hands for the juvenile stunts he's trying to pull, but you manage when you realize that that is precisely what he's doing, getting you back for turning him down and not running the company for him, drastically cutting down his time chasing after his little obsessions.

So play you did, hitting the curve balls as viciously as he'd thrown them threatening to take his own head. Lex is a menace. A smart one, but you hadn't been twiddling your thumbs the past three years he'd been feigning incarceration and still chasing after his Super-obsession. You'd been running the company, _your_ company, a company you had been rebuilding, and you're no longer a naive, idealistic, fledgling, twenty-four year old CEO. You've grown a lot in the past years and despite the insecurities and doubts your brother inevitably brings out in you, Kara's unwavering belief in you has given you the support you've needed for years. She's the steel running through your veins, her warmth and love your life blood, your inspiration.

For the longest time, you'd thought that redeeming your family name was what you were there for, smarting from guilt and pain so deep for injustices committed, lives taken, and families broken. And you know you should be glad that there's no need to redeem the Luthor name anymore, no need to rebrand, no more shadows of hatred chasing you every which way you turn. Lex has done what you'd wanted to do for years, make the Luthor name synonymous with good, the very name he himself had tarnished, and all so brilliantly that had it not been for J'onn and the rest of the paragons, nary a soul would have ever known that wasn't always the case.

But you do remember. You do know. And now that there's no more name to redeem, no more visible wrongs to right in the eye of the public, you realize that your goals and dreams have not changed in the slightest. Redeeming your name was always truly only ever going to be a minor goal because of course, who the hell wants to be hated by the world for things they hadn't even had a hand in doing, but the main has always been to make the world better, to counter-act the damage humans have caused to the planet over the centuries and keep the earth a viable place to live in long after you yourself have expired. _That,_ you've realized in the past months is your true raison d'etre. And you know that makes you good, in Kara's eyes, in the eyes of the family you're building, in perhaps every other person's opinion, but really, it's beginning to matter significantly less to you what everyone else thinks because you know how easy it is to lose it all.

"Aren't you going to give me a proper hello, darling?" You whisper, your eyes boring into hers.

She bites her lip, seeming to think for a moment before shaking her head. "Think I'm good." She says to you, hedging on flippant but the undercurrent of seriousness is palpable. "Just... Basking for now."

"Basking?" You laugh. "Basking in what?"

"You." It's said so simply, so matter-of-factly, but it makes your heart flutter, that one word.

She's quiet for a minute and so are you, doing just that - basking in each other's presence. When she speaks again her voice is soft but rough and you fight the urge to walk up to her and sink into her arms.

"Three days is too long, Lena." She says firmly.

And your heart clenches painfully with guilt. You can explain to her how Lex had tried to undercut you and you'd had to make sure you weren't going to lose your projects because despite your worries about this earth, the current reality you're now living in, you can't risk all this being permanent and not having given everyone the best chance not only of survival for generations to come but of a much better quality of life as well. You can tell her that, tell her how you split your time between continuing to mend and build your friendships and family, developing your officially sanctioned research projects , developing your secret Supergirl tech, all while trying to stay abreast of your brother's possible offensive tracks, and still make it home for dinner with her almost every night. But you don't. Because she's right. After everything you have all gone through, after everything you have both lost, three days is too long. A day is too long. An hour. A minute. A second. Everything is too long when you remember all you've lost and especially with everything you can still lose. You had lost a whole earth in a day, you had lost her and she had lost you.

And the success of the planet may be your raison d'etre, but you doubt your heart would ever beat again for you to even have a reason for being if you lost her.

"It is." You respond, the pain you've stuffed in boxes the past few days coming out and crashing into you in waves. "I'm sorry."

"I know how important all of this is to you... It's important to me too." She says finally moving and sitting on the couch as well, though she sits on the other end away from you. "I fly in and save the lives of individual people every day. But _you,_ Lena... You're going to save this whole _WORLD._ "

Her words wrap you in a bubble of warmth licking at your edges, seeking permission to be let in. You let it fill you, her words, her warmth, her faith and belief in you. You let it wash over you, tendrils of hope and optimism for a future you so desperately want to give everyone in your world. But it's not enough. It's been three days and it's not enough.

"I'm sorry, Kara." You say again, trying to calm your racing heart at the emptiness creeping in. Her hand reaches for yours and this time you don't fight it, you haul your bone-tired self to your feet and sink into her.

She gives a surprised squeak but her arms immediately encircle you and you feel the cold emptiness abate at the mere feel of her.

"Hmm," She hums, a soft kiss to the back of your neck. "This is basking too."

You snort. "You weren't just basking, you were getting ready to lecture."

"Lecture? You? I'd never!"

You lift your head to look into her eyes but you're drawn to the smile on her lips, and then just her lips. Three days is too long, much much too long.

The feel of her lips against yours makes the world shift and then still. There's a quietness, a calm, a comfort, a peace you've been lacking since you left less than a handful of days ago.

"Help me fix it," You tell her when you pull away, resting your head against hers. "Help me figure out how to not let this happen again."

"Let me _see_ you, Lee." She whispers hotly against you. "This could be our one chance."

And you think you know what she's saying. It's starting to sink in, the very real possibility that all this is permanent, that you can't just bide your time until reality rights itself again. And you hate it even when you shouldn't because you have nothing to prove anymore. It doesn't matter that you're a Luthor anymore. No one thinks you're a demon from hell anymore. But you hate it. You hate that this world isn't safe, that KARA isn't safe. No one is safe from your brother because you know that he's not so much biding his time as he is getting his ducks in a row before bringing the world to its knees. _Again._

"We can't let him set the terms for us." She continues. "I'm not saying we antagonize him, I don't _care_ enough about him to even want to. But _you,_ Lena..." She breathes in deeply and her eyes close as she trails off.

"I don't know what I'd do if I lost you." You tell her quietly. Her eyes open again, gazing into yours. "I know he's going to try, Kara. And I'd sooner kill him again than lose you."

She's quiet and you know she hears the truth in your words, sees it in your eyes. "This isn't our fight. It's his and it's Clark's. But that well has been poisoned and he's going to go after _you._ And you have to know he's going to use _me_ to get to you."

Her grip on you tightens and you see a fire form in her eyes. "I won't let him hurt you."

"And can't bear it if he hurts _you._ " You tell her firmly. "But he _will._ He'll hurt you, Kara. And it will _break_ me."

You bury the burgeoning fear that rears its massive ugly head at even just a hint of Kara in danger. It's not a night of fear but a night of dark truths.

"If this is our one chance, darling," You tell her breathlessly, "If this all we're going to get then we have to be smarter than him. We have to be stronger, and better, and braver. Because I won't lose you. I _won't,_ Kara. Do you understand that?"

You wait for her to nod. You need her to follow because it's deathly important that she does. "You lost the multiverse and Lex bargained and gained a whole universe and turned it into his playground. _That's_ what we're dealing with."

"Lee..." She whines lightly suddenly breaking the heavy darkness. "I know. I was there."

And you laugh. You rub your nose against hers and sigh softly. "How are you not worried about him?"

"Because I have _you._ " She responds, her head tilting, as though confused by the question. "When I have you... Everything else is... Less."

She cups your jaw, caressing it with the pad of her thumb. "I know the dangers. I know you can try and prepare for all the possible eventualities, try to pick the ones with the highest potential and be ready to defend against that. But Lena... Worlds got wiped out. Whole worlds. And you're here. Rao. _You're here with me._ And I'm not going to waste that time, I'm not going to squander a moment I can have you by being cautious about not pissing off a psychopathic genius."

She presses a quick kiss to your lips before continuing, pleading with you to see. "Let me take care of you. Let me love you the way I always have."

And you know what that feels like. The love Kara means. It's the warmth of a fire on a cold winter's night, the light drizzle at noon on a sweltering summer day. It's the vibrant pinks and oranges of the setting sun, a swallow's first song. It's the waves lapping and tickling your feet, it's the first snow of the season, flakes and flurries in an ethereal glow.

"I don't want to put you and anyone else in danger." You add, it's true but you know it's weak and she'll simply bust through it, but you say it anyway because it isn't any less true.

"If this is our one chance, I want to love you for as much of it as possible."

"I thought you said forever?"

"Always." She promises. "You and I... We'll turn all these possibilities into forever."


	19. Favorite

And so you get your way.

Lena is nervous and jittery the first few times you drop in though she's careful not to let anyone else see. She lets you into her labs, introduces you to her different teams and lets them show you what they're working on. She encourages you to make the rounds, to discover for yourself the projects she's fighting to preserve, the tech she's desperate to develop to counteract the damage her brother is once again causing. She grips tightly onto you when you are alone, her body coiled and tensed, ready to fight and defend against any possible attacks.

But it doesn't happen. None of it happens.

Lex stays out of her way, and she stays out of his. And because you know it's important to Lena, you stay out of his way too.

She finally agrees to join you at the tower, frowning and muttering about the derth of human tech available and how ancient everything is the moment she steps foot inside.

"It'll take a decade to hack into the pentagon with this." She had grumbled giving one of the monitors a light smack. "J'onn, where did you even find this?" She'd seemed close to tearing out her hair, her eyes hilariously wild.

"We can't hack into the pentagon, Lena." Alex had shot at her.

"You mean _you_ can't." She'd replied as she'd promptly walked out.

She'd had you and J'onn fly to various cities, to bring her back an array of what she claims to be the best and exactly what she needs to build a computer good enough not only to rival the DEO's but beat it to a bloody pulp. She's cautious, building mostly from scratch, having you pay cash and purchasing from all over. It's a major hassle and more than a little paranoid but you do it anyway, willing to compromise and give her the privacy, peace and distance she needs. You're not one to judge, after all, the thought of Lena getting hurt still drives you mad on the best of days. Truly, the best, the worst, everything in between, any and all the time. Lena hurt... It's positively maddening.

Lena is mostly vigilant, past the verge of paranoia and often you let her.

You let her use her jammers- and boy did you get a lecture on that: _It's not a simple jammer, Kara! Find me a jammer that's also a psychic dampener good enough to keep out Green Martians and strong enough to dampen a Kryptonian's super senses and I'll sign over all my company shares this very instant!_

Sometimes it's blatantly amusing. And sometimes... Sometimes it's heartbreaking.

She refuses to visit and see Sam and Ruby, unwilling to give her brother any indication that Sam Arias is anything more than a regular company employee. You know she misses them, and she's feeling terrible about not being around like she promised she would be. You know it's getting to her, the worries and fears, even more so these days than in the past because Ruby has been calling more often recently, even more than Sam who has actual business concerns and tactics she needs input on, asking her _Aunt Lena_ to visit for school recitals, shopping trips, a science fair, a production. And you know it hurts Lena to have to say no, it hurts her to decline and promise to make it up to the child at a still unknown future date.

It's what you hate most about this reality, this earth. On the one hand, no one here hates Lena, no one blames her for her family's past misdeeds because no one really remembers them. It disgusts you, utterly disgusts you how Lex's supposed philanthropic efforts are lauded and awarded, when it's Lena who deserves it for all she's actually done over the years. You hate that Lex gets credit when none is due him, you hate that Lena and her efforts are pushed to the sidelines, you hate that he's taken over the DEO, you hate that his face is plastered everywhere you turn. You hate all of it.

But nothing gets to you like Lena hurting and so it comes back to her. It _always_ comes back to her.

Lena's worries, anxieties and fears are what you hate most about this reality. The worry and fear that Lex inspires in his sister. The heartbreak he causes because his very existence means all the people she cares about can potentially come to harm.

It's why you know things with Maggie are serious. Lena wouldn't reach out and in her mind, potentially put her in danger just by mere proximity and presence.

You know better. Or least you think you do.

Lena is mush. Absolute and utter mush and Lex doesn't need to target anyone she personally knows and cares about. Threat of attack at a hospital, school or park and Lena would rain hell. Lex doesn't know that yet, you think. Lex thinks Lena will fold as she had in the past, anything to save the world. But Lena has changed. It isn't that she's become less self-sacrificial, because truly, she is absolute and utter mush, but she's so very intelligent... Smart, brilliant and bright, and she knows she's what is necessary to stop and bring him to justice. So no, he's wrong. She will no longer fold. She'll claw and fight, she'll meet him head on, rain hell and _win._ Rao. She'll win, you _know_ it.

So she works hard. She works so hard. Harder you think than she even had in the past. She's got so many projects she's officially supervising, projects she's secretly working on, meetings, reports, sales and expenses she's not so secretly monitoring. She checks up on Nia and Maggie, checks in with Alex and J'onn, touches base with Kelly and Brainy, and you... She _loves_ you and _takes care_ of you and lets you take care of _her._

There's such a freedom in being able to drop in on Lena at any and all hours of the day again. It's like before when she'd given you unfiltered access to her office, the only one to have ever been given it, even before you'd become her best friend. You had tried not to dwell on that in the past, the implications of such a freedom, but after everything that has happened, you can't not. And those three days without her, a mere _three days,_ without her eyes, her smile, her voice, her laugh, her touch, her mere presence, and your heart and soul had ached.

You knew she was safe, in fact, she's always so cautious that she'd warned you that Lex was perhaps up to something, keeping her busy and distracted while he was carrying out things outside of the company, and she'd warned you to be on your guard, to be ready to fight and defend.

You'd listened, of course, you all did. Brainy was absent, not a good sign, but nothing had happened. The world was still and silent. Yet you know Lena wasn't wrong. Lex was definitely up to something, but whatever it was was kept tightly under wraps and was non-explosive.

And you're thankful for that, for every day the world is safe, every day it is quiet and no lives are lost to mania, cruelty and evil.

But it had been three days and your heart and soul had yearned for her. Breakfasts and dinners and sleep are not enough, and in those three days, you hadn't even had that as she'd hunkered down at Luthor Corp to stave off another of Lex's juvenile schemes. You'd been yearning to be with her during the work day, to drop in at random hours just to see her smile, make her laugh, hold her hand as you listen to her heart beat.

And now you can again and your heart and soul soar with sweet liberty.

Sometimes you worry that you're stifling her. Not only is possessiveness a highly unattractive quality but Lena is first and foremost no way a thing and certainly not one to be possessed. But Lena seems to understand. She seems to understand even better than you do, your deep fear of losing her, the hollow ache in your heart, your gut, your bones, that only her light can seem to fill. Sometimes she pulls you into her just as a panic starts to overtake you, before even you realize what's happening- she pulls you, envelopes you in her arm, and the panic, the anxiety and fear, the rage, helplessness and hopelessness, _everything_ recedes, quelled by her light and love.

Her love is everything you had been afraid of and so much more. So so much more. It's deep and soft and burning, it's steady, unassailable and firm. And each day you think it's impossible to love her any more than you do in that moment, and still you continue falling. You fall and she catches you, each and every time, she catches you. Years ago you had pushed it down and away, terrified of its intensity. You hadn't thought you could handle it, a mere look from Lena in the past already had the power to unravel you on certain days, and you'd run and hidden. But Lena catches you now, she sees you and knows you and loves you, and she catches you, arms strong, heart brave, eyes bright and soft, her very soul cradling yours with her own and keeping you safe.

So you make the most of it, the freedom she's granted you, letting her get used to you dropping in at what once was her company, until the rigidity of her spine isn't due to stress and worry but once again of confidence, daring and fearlessness. It's a new normal you're all treading on, and it's a complicated balancing act of freedom and caution, and you'll show her you can make it work.

You hear Lena's soft laughter before you even walk through the door of her office and for a moment you stand there, hand against the door, still, letting the sound of her wash over you. It fills you with comfort and warmth and you let out a sigh of satisfaction before stepping in.

"Come on, Lena, please." Nia wheedles from her perch on the rug before throwing her body backwards and lying down, her notebook and pen flying a few feet off beside her.

"No," Lena says simply, dragging a hand through her hair as she squints at the computer on her lap.

Your heart skips a beat at the sight of her. She's in a pair of dark skinny jeans and a gray sweater, sitting barefoot and cross-legged on the couch, hair effortlessly elegantly touseled. It's a Lena never before seen at Luthor Corp, a Lena reserved for you, your friends and family, a Lena of lazy weekends, game nights, and midnight snack runs. It's your favorite Lena, not that they aren't all your favorite, but this one makes your heart ache and ache and ache. It's a comfortable Lena, a happy and loved and at peace Lena. A Lena who sees, acknowledges, understands, accepts and takes strength in her worth. It's a safe Lena, content, secure, and wholly confident. And you love her. You love her with every fiber of your being.

"But Leeena!" Nia huffs exasperatedly, flapping her arms at her sides as though she's making snow angels on the rug. "It's so empowering and insanely more impressive if they know how old you are."

"No."

"Fine, just your birthday then! You don't have to give me the year!"

"No."

"But whyyyy?" She sits back up, legs under her and she looks at you imploringly. "Kara, make Lena tell me her birthday."

"No." Lena answers for you, her eyes daring you to disagree. Your heart races, it's so so full and happy.

"Why do you need Lena's birthday?"

"She's going to throw me a surprise party." Lena answers.

Nia sighs exaggeratedly before responding herself. "Andrea gave me the green light for the LGBTQ+ in power article. It lacks context if I don't tell the readers how young she was when she accomplished all of it."

"And she's going to throw a surprise party come May."

Nia bounces from her spot on the floor, clapping excitedly. "May!" She echoes.

Lena shoots her a droll look before raising an eyebrow at you as if to say _'See what I mean?'_ and you bite back a laugh.

"Lena wasn't born in May." You inform Nia and roll your eyes at Lena even as you make your way to sit beside her on the couch.

"Don't use your journalist credentials to try and wheedle personal information." You tell Nia. "And you," you tell Lena with a quick kiss to her lips, "don't torture the little one."

"I'm not little!" Nia glowers for a moment before getting up from the floor and throwing herself onto the both of you, arms and legs outstretched.

Lena lets out an "oof" before she's laughing again.

"Definitely not light." You mutter and Lena laughs even harder.

"Please, Lena?" Nia says again. "It'll only be an itty bitty little party... Or we can all go out of town, camp out on the beach!"

"Why does it have to be my birthday?" Lena's tone now has a tinge of a whine and you almost laugh.

"You're the only one who's not gonna _murder_ me if I throw one." And you shrug at Lena in response, not quite accurate but it's a conceivable point. Alex and J'onn would definitely not be thrilled to be dragged out to a surprise beach party on their birthdays. But though Kelly doesn't seem the type, you know for a fact she's too nice to give Nia hell for it.

"Throw one for Kelly." Lena responds. "Or Kara." She adds cheekily, smiling charmingly at you.

"But _you're_ my favorite." Nia admits with a whine.

"Hey!" You slap her arm lightly and she doesn't even have the decency to look chagrined, merely shrugging in response.

Lena "aww's" and pats her cheek affectionately. "How about we forget about surprise parties and drive out for a day this weekend?"

"Lena, it's the middle of November," you remind her.

But Nia is looking at Lena like she herself invented the concept of weekends and driving out of town for the day, eyes wide and excited. You roll your eyes when Lena pouts at you and your heart skips again.

"Let's see if we can come out to Midvale for Thanksgiving instead of Eliza coming here." You say.

Nia cheers and Lena looks at her fondly before turning to you and pulling you in for a kiss.

Nia groans and covers her eyes, still lying down on you and Lena. You consider shoving her off of you so you can pull Lena in closer but then Lena is smiling again, rubbing her nose against yours in an eskimo kiss before she herself is shoving Nia off the two of you and onto the floor.

"From what I remember I sold CatCo months ago to Andrea Rojas." She says pulling herself to her feet, and walking towards her desk and leaning against it as she runs a hand through her hair and raises an eyebrow at you and Nia. "What are its two best journalists doing here in the middle of a workday?"

"It's 3 pm on a Friday, Lena." Nia says picking herself up of the floor and plopping down beside you on the couch and laying her head on your shoulder. "Let's take the rest of the day off! Early dinner, impromptu karaoke night!"

"Honey, I've got a ton of work to do before I can call it a night and I've already got dinner plans." Lena says apologetically.

"Is it a work dinner?"

"No... Just with an old friend."

"Maggie?" You ask gently.

She's quiet for a moment before she gives you a small smile in response.

"Think we can tag along?" You ask.

"I..." She's quiet, lost in thought for a moment.

"You can ask her first." You add softly.

"Are you sure, Kar?" Her eyes are filled with concern and you give her a reassuring nod and smile.

Nia is quiet, letting you and Lena have your conversation, your space, your secret. You break Lena's gaze only when Lena gives you a firm nod and reaches for her phone to give Maggie a call.

You take the time to turn to Nia and very very briefly tell her who Maggie is. Her eyes widen in surprise, which turn into worry before shifting to curious and excited. By the time Lena is done with the call and is informing you Maggie would love to have you join them, Nia is bouncing beside you at hearing it's going to be Mexican cocktail night.

Lena still looks a bit worried and you reach out for her without getting up from your place on the couch. She promptly walks over and sits on your lap, pressing a kiss to your lips quickly as she lays her cheek against your head before rubbing her thumb against Nia's temple, who has once again dropped her head back onto your shoulder.

"You guys are my favorite," Nia whispers, soft, fond and satisfied.

And you think, yeah, this is your favorite reality too. Any reality with moments like these, has to be your favorite.


	20. Half a holler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick chapter update to celebrate over 50k written and almost ready for uploading for this story. Every bit means we're able to get further along in this journey. And also to celebrate the lovely people who've helped me face and deal with the reality of what I've created. 
> 
> Also, whoever came up with Maggie referring to Lena and Kara as 'Little Danvers' and 'Little Luthor,' because I'm not sure it was ever actually in the show, but it's in a million and one stories, you're a genius and it's now at the very least headcanon. 
> 
> Do let me know what you all think!

The night with Maggie was mostly fine. Really. Like really, it was fine.

She's still witty and charming, that disarming dimpled smile setting you at ease far more quickly than you thought it would. She doesn't ask how you've been, doesn't ask about your sister, doesn't ask anything that brings to the fore the fact that you had disappeared from her life approximately two years ago when her engagement with your sister had fallen through.

And it's fine. Really. Really.

Nia is an absolute riot, monopolizing the conversation and trying more than her fair share of cocktails declaring each one her new favorite. And Maggie is nice, welcoming, curious and just so genuinely interested.

It's what sets you on edge, the fact that it's so normal, so easy and natural.

And while you hadn't really thought about it in the past, because of course your sister was your main priority, Lena's right in her reminder of what Maggie had gone through as a child, of the loss of her family due to her sexuality. And of course you had had every intention of making her feel as loved and valued and needed and wanted in your own family. You saw, you felt, and you knew how Alex loved her and frankly, you'd also seen, felt and knew how Maggie loved Alex. And it was going to be fine. You were all going to become family, all of you. Until it wasn't. Until you weren't.

And sitting a mere body away from Maggie, watching that smile that you know used to make your sister's heart race, that genuine, bubbly, light laughter that's impossible not to get caught up in, you're finally awash with new throbbing guilt and regret that you hadn't done more, that you hadn't tried at all to at least maintain a friendship with her.

She hugs you tightly that night, her laughter still ringing in your ears, her eyes warm, smile happy. "Congratulations on getting the girl, Little Danvers. Don't be a stranger." She whispers right before she lets you go and with one last wave crosses the street to where her motorcycle is parked.

You take Nia home to yours, Lena tucks her in on the couch after making her down pills and enough water to make her bladder wake her up in 30 minutes, and you sigh into Lena in the quiet.

"For a while there I thought she didn't remember Alex existed." You mumble against Lena, your heart feeling as though it's swelling, swelling, swelling, empty and tight and painfully bursting all at the same time.

Lena kisses your temple, arms wrapped tightly around you, but doesn't say a word. Her heart is beating hard, thrumming in your ears.

"I'd forgotten what she was like." You confess quietly, your hold on Lena tightening. "Alex's heart used to beat so loudly when she was around. It used to race, and flutter and just thump like there was no tomorrow."

Lena is still silent, holding onto you as tightly as you're holding on to her.

"She doesn't feel like that with Kelly, does she? Her heart just doesn't do that. You're doing this for Alex. I know you are." You breathe in deeply. "What're you doing, Lena?"

Rao. You feel like crying. You don't know why you feel like crying.

"I love you." You tell her, your heart just aching and aching and aching. "I'll always choose you." You tell her. "You're my only choice."

Lena brushes your tears away, and you wipe hers, looking into her eyes and continue, "I'm never going to choose to be without you. Please don't ever ask me to let you go."

"Never." She finally says, her voice rough, and more of her tears fall.

\---

Maggie calls you not a week later and asks to meet. You're harried- you've got a deadline, you're helping J'onn on a case, you've cancelled twice on sparring with your sister in just the past week, William thinks he's on to something with Lex's last trip to Metropolis and wants to go through CCTV footage with you, and you, you're just trying to get through the week so you can have a peaceful weekend in with Lena- so you don't think to ask Maggie what you're meeting up for, minutely glad to hear from her again so soon, but mostly just preoccupied with everything else you're doing.

The Maggie that meets you is unlike the Maggie of the night just a few days ago. She's nervous, her anxiety clearly rolling out in waves and her eyes have an unfamiliar tinge of terror.

"Mags?" It's an overly familiar nickname, one you think you don't deserve to use after all that's transpired but it falls unbidden anyway because Rao, she was almost your _sister._

But she doesn't seem to begrudge it at all, if her demeanor is anything at all to go by, it seems to be the very thing she needs to hear, and you see her deflate visibly and calm.

"I have memories that don't make sense, Kara." She begins seriously. "Lena getting attacked, Lena almost getting killed. Arresting Lena. Why would I have arrested Lena? I remember doing it but I don't remember why. It's not in the records but it's in my mind. It's clear. It's so vivid and real and I remember exactly how angry you were at me. I remember the exact expression on your face."

You're startled at what she says. You hadn't had a chance to think about what she might have wanted to say, but if you had, your first and best guess would have been that she would want to talk about your sister, not _Lena._

"I thought that's why she'd come. I thought she was going to tell me and make everything make sense. But she didn't. She didn't say anything. She _still_ hasn't said anything about it and I've got this horrible feeling something terrible is going to happen. And everything that doesn't make sense revolves around her, like I keep trying to peel away at those layers and I just keep peeling and peeling but I can't ever get inside. It's like I'm inside a forest of smoke and I just can't see _anything._ It's just memories upon memories that don't make sense."

She gets up from her seat on the park bench you've met at, just a few hundred meters away from her precinct, and she paces, fingers pushing her hair back. You watch, unsure of what to say and she continues after a moment. "There's something wrong. There's danger, I can feel it and Lena's right in the middle of it. It's coming soon. I think it's coming soon."

"It's not Lena." You say firmly, weighing your words carefully. "It's Lex Luthor."

Maggie's face is blank, not even a slight flicker of recognition for Lex's name and your heart thuds loudly in your chest as you grapple with how much to say, how much to reveal, how much of her reality to shatter.

"I don't understand, Kara." She replies steadily. "What does her brother have to do with anything?"

"Just..." You trail off closing your eyes for a moment as you try and get your thoughts in order. "I know how important the truth is to you Maggie, but maybe this isn't the right time."

"Lena's a friend, Kara." She tells you firmly. "And you are too. I know it wasn't always like that, and it hasn't seen for a while. But she _is._ _You_ are. And what happened with Alex... It's not easy knowing what to do, how to act after something like that. And I'm sorry it took me so long to just woman up, and even then only because Lena had reached out first. But she's my friend, Kara. If she's in danger I can help. If it's her brother it doesn't matter. I don't care if he's rich, if people worship the ground he walks on. If Lena's in danger and it's him I'll help take him down."

Her earnestness makes your own heart swell with anxiety and a very familiar fear. You're aching to fly to Lena, to pull her into you and just make sure she's fine and safe and whole. It turns into bubbling, dark panic and only Maggie's genuine confusion and sincere desire to help keeps you in place.

"I know she's safe with you, _Supergirl._ " She continues, barely above a whisper, her eyes pleading with you. "But I can help. I just want to keep her safe."

"She's okay, Mags." You tell her softly, letting the loyalty and love Lena inspires in people soothe your soul a little. "It's really complicated... Like reality changing complicated. And it's not my place to talk about it now." But whose is it really? Who gets to decide whose reality is shattered, who carries the burden of the past reality into this new one? "But she's fine. I've got her, Maggie. I won't let anything happen to her."

Maggie is quiet, her brows still furrowed in worry but she gives you a small nod.

"Alex," She finally says, and Rao, her voice breaks at your sister's name. "Tell me she's okay. Tell me she's happy."

You want to tell her _yes,_ tell her your sister is okay and happy, not only because it's what you so fervently want for your sister, but because you see in Maggie's eyes how she desperately wants to hear it, _needs_ to hear it, that Alex is well and happy. In that moment you see how she loves your sister still, in that moment you don't think about how Maggie had broken your sister's heart by not wanting something that was a non-negotiable in your sister's life. In that moment you don't begrudge her the pain and heatbreak she had caused your sister because you see hers reflected in her eyes, intense, blatant and flaming. And still, her concern is your sister. Her concern is Alex, as though they hadn't been broken and apart for two long years. And it hurts. It hurts to see again how deeply she loves Alex.

So you want to lie to her, really you do. Because Alex has Kelly. And Kelly is nice and kind and wonderful. But you can't. So you swallow the lump in your throat, bury the aching swell of your heart, and say, "I don't think she is."

\---

You do go straight to Lena when you and Maggie part. She's waiting for you on the balcony of her office, likely having gotten your message asking to meet her there, and she pulls you into her arms and you allow yourself to fall apart just a little.

She holds you, and soothes you, whispering her love for you, whispering the present, the future and every day in between now and forever. You let her love wash over you, let it envelope and temper the pain of loss in your heart. You stay there, safe in her arms, safe in her love, until your world calms with the pinks and oranges of the setting sun.


	21. Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving doesn’t happen in Midvale.

Nia gets a call early in the week from her father and is asked to come home for it, and Eliza comes with a massive assortment of groceries, and you put her up in your apartment instead of a hotel, for the next few days (after a very thorough scan to make sure Lex hasn’t decided to once again litter it with his toys, of which you find only two, and you take great satisfaction in hammering them out with your heel after wishing him a ‘Happy Thanksgiving’). Eliza is charmed by the private rooftop garden and after extending William and Andrea invitations to join you all, you decide to hold Thanksgiving dinner there as well, much like the past dinner party, hedging more on fancy and festive rather than comfortable, soothing and familiar.

Your family feels on edge. Kara is quieter around everyone else, her hold on you in the nights tighter, her confessions and declarations of love fervent, earnest and plentiful, ardently whispered at all moments of the waking day, and in the stark darkness of the still nights. J'onn is warm but often lost in thought, Brainy distant and absent, Alex pushing so hard to be upbeat and happy, Kelly often wide-eyed and wondering, confusion clear in her gaze.

Even Eliza senses it, feels it.

She sends you silent looks across the room, grips your hands and arms tightly when she walks by, refills your glass full to the brim with wine, even when it isn't near empty, and at some point Thanksgiving afternoon, literally pushes Kara into your arms and nudges Alex down on the couch with you and Kara as she ushers everyone, especially Kelly, up onto the rooftop.

You think maybe she feels as though things are slowly starting to unravel just as you do.

You know why Kara clings to you. You know what her declarations mean. She loves you. She needs you. She's chosen you. She's always going to choose you. You're her non-negotiable. Her one non-negotiable. _You._

And you love her. All of her.

You know she's hurting because her sister is hurting, you know she's angry because she feels helpless, that she's afraid because she can't fix it. You know Kara's been waiting for Alex to tell her, respectful and unassuming, waiting, very patiently, waiting to be let in. She'd confessed to you one night that the only reason she hasn't pushed is because she trusts you. Trusts you wholly, absolutely, completely, to help and take care of her sister. It's the one reason she is still. Quiet, still and patient. But seeing Maggie again has shattered that, as you were afraid it would, and now she's running on fumes as Alex tries to further throw herself into her decisions, so buried under her own lies she refuses to try and find a way out.

You think it's time she tells Kara, time she properly faces it, time she makes a decision. You'll catch her as will Kara and her mother and J'onn. And you'll catch Kelly. You swear you'll be there to catch and help Kelly.

So you hold tightly onto Kara for only a moment, a long moment so her warmth can seep into your heart and keep your worries at bay, before you tell her to _push._

You tell Alex it's _time._ You tell her to trust you and that it's time time time.

And you leave them, safe in each other's arms.

\---

Thanksgiving dinner is mostly a pleasant affair, you try not to think about Kara and Alex downstairs in your apartment, silently reassuring Kelly and Eliza that they're fine, and you discuss business and science and the scrapes you'd all gotten into in your youth. Andrea and William are lovely, entertaining and comfortable and you feel a surge of fondness and love for your old friend, and you understand what drew Kara to William when his passion and tenacity come to the surface. You get to know Kelly outside of Alex and it bolsters your opinion that it's the correct decision, that now is the time. Kelly is strong. She's understanding, kind, intelligent, reasonable and loving. If they're meant to get through it, they will. If they want to get through it, they'll make it so.

Nia arrives well after dinner, she calls you from a nearby bus stop, throwing herself into your arms when you and Kelly walk over to pick her up. You hold her as she sobs into you, Kelly rubbing soothing circles on her back.

She asks you how long her sister is going to hate her for, asks you if you can't somehow siphon her abilities and just give it to her sister, asks you what she needs to do to be forgiven. You don't answer. You can't.

Eliza and J'onn are marvelous hosts and William and Andrea seem to enjoy themselves. They leave relatively early, seeming to sense and understand the undercurrents of heaviness of the night and despite the pleasant company you are glad for it. J'onn too takes his leave, with a tight hug and a whispered, "They'll get through it," as does Kelly after helping you put an exhausted Nia to sleep in your own bedroom as Kara and Alex are in the spare room their mother is staying in. Kelly seems only minutely worried about Alex, asking you to bring them something to eat soon, before she pulls you into a warm hug, thanks Eliza for dinner and also heads off for home.

You help Eliza put away the rest of the food, far too much as Kara and Alex hadn't partaken of any, but you fix plates for them as well as Nia, that you keep warm in the oven. You and Eliza move in comfortable silence, her mind likely on her daughters as are yours.

You feel for Kelly, at the difficulties she'll soon have to face and you wonder if she at all knows it's about her and Alex and not actually the sisters. You feel your heart clench and ache at trying to put yourself in her shoes, trying to imagine having to find out Kara isn't sure about you, having to hear and know that you're not enough to be her forever.

And it's searing. It's a searing, indescribable pain that almost makes you double over, taking everything in you not to call out for Kara so you can be reassured that she loves you and that you are hers. You remind yourself of her eyes, her touch, her kisses. You remind yourself of her words, her declarations and her promises. You remind yourself she loves you and you are hers. And it's a long long moment before it abates. You are Kara's. Hers, hers, hers.

You calm. She is yours and you are hers. And you calm.

At some point Eliza exchanges your wine for a cup of tea and you sit across from each other on the couch still in silence watching wood burn in the fireplace.

"I didn't think there was ever going to be anyone worthy of Kara." Eliza says quite late into the night.

Your eyes snap to look at her and her gaze is gentle and worried. You stay silent, you don't know what to say.

"You were always so important to her. As important as Alex, and with Kara, no one's ever been as important as Alex. But YOU were. And I was scared for a while because she would just talk about you all the time. Always _'Lena said this, Lena thinks that.'_ And I know what happened with your brother and with Superman. And for a little while, I was genuinely worried history would repeat itself. But then I met you... And sweetheart, you are _nothing_ like your brother. And Kara is nothing like Clark. And the way she looked at you, and the way you looked at her... And you two just kept dancing around each other, like you were afraid to go near the truth, like it would break if either of you touched it, like it was something that would shatter if you even so much as acknowledged it."

You don't know why your eyes tear but they do and you fight not to let them fall.

"I was so worried when she threw herself into trying to love that boy. Kara is very good at that. Building walls so she doesn't get abandoned again, and you wouldn’t think it because of that big, bright, beautiful smile on such an angelic face. But I assure you, she builds them, high and strong. Then of course, even _he_ had to go. She'd mourned that loss for so long. She clung to it, building that wall higher and stronger because if he could hurt her... Well, you... _you_ would _destroy_ her. She was afraid to _see_ you, _know_ you. She was always so helpless when it came to you. And I think you were too when it came to her."

Eliza moves closer towards you, taking your hand in hers. "Losing you would destroy her, Lena. Truly, sweetheart. Without a doubt. Kara has lost so much of what she’s loved, and I see how deeply she loves you. I know you're intelligent and brave and tough, I know that, I _do._ I know you can handle yourself. But if you want Kara to fight, if you _need_ her to fight, you need to remember that she can do that best when she knows you are safe and secure. The number of times she’s saved this world… doesn’t she deserve to have her own home, her own world, whole?”

She pulls you into her arms and you bury your face in her chest as your body trembles at her words. "I don't know what he has planned." You confess, your heart clenching painfully. "I can't stop him if I don't know what he's planning. I tried to stay away from her, I tried to be angry, but - but... She's _Kara._ She’s Kara and it's like she's all I've ever wanted. Like she's all that's been missing from my life for years. Like she's the _sun_ and without her the world is _cold_ and _dark_ and _empty._ And I want to keep her safe. I tried to keep her safe. But Lex... He's _despicable._ And Kara is so _bright,_ and _warm_ and _good._ And she's lost so much. And she loves _me._ God, I don't know why but she _does._ And she makes me so happy... It's just sometimes I'm so scared I made the wrong choice. I should have been stronger. We should have waited. If I'd stayed away from her I'd know what Lex is planning. I could keep her safe. I can keep _everyone_ safe."

"Oh, sweetheart, no." Eliza tells you, lifting your head up so she can look into your eyes. "You are not alone in this. You don’t need to be the one to take all the risks, you’re not responsible for your brother’s actions. It was noble what you tried to do, what you _did,_ using your wealth, power, your intelligence and vast resources to help this world, but it was never your _obligation_ to right your family’s wrongs. This world would be grateful for it if people could remember, _I_ am grateful for it. But you don’t have to do any of this alone anymore. You have Kara. You have all of us. Do not take unnecessary risks, not to your safety, not to your mental well-being. We are here for you. For Kara. _For Alex._ It will be difficult, things will be a mess and then they will be okay again, and then, likely, there’ll be problems to fix _yet again._ And when you think you’ve got it all figured out something will come up to make you reevaluate everything. But as long as you remember what you’re fighting for, what you’re living for, you will always be on the right track. You must remember that you are not alone. We are your family and you will never have to do any of it alone ever again. Remember, Lena, we are stronger together. We're _always_ stronger together. And you let no one keep you from your love."

"And you never again wonder why I love you."

Your eyes snap towards the hallway leading to the bedrooms and you see Kara's eyes flashing a dangerous fire. Eliza squeezes your hand and pulls you in to lay a kiss on your temple before she gets up from the couch. She walks towards Kara, giving her temple a light kiss as well before heading off to her bedroom.

Your tears continue to fall as you wait for Kara to make her way to you. You let her take you into her arms and you cling to her in a way you haven't ever before.

"Tell me you're not going to change your mind." You beg her. "Tell me we're not Kelly and Alex. Tell me what happened to Alex and Maggie isn't going to happen to us. Tell me it's really forever, Kara. Tell me."

"You're my forever, Lena Luthor. You and nobody else. I'm not going to change my mind. And you'd better not change yours because I refuse give you up. I will not let you go. Never. Never. Never."

"I don't want you to." You say, still sobbing against her. "I'm never going to want you to."

She holds you. That night. That morning. And then the next night and the next. She holds you each and every day and you let her love warm your heart, your soul, your bones, until your heart calms, your world stills and the sun and stars continue to promise you forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, Gabi, for keeping me from digging myself into yet another hole with your opinions and ideas on Eliza for this chapter!


	22. Soothe this weary soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff was requested by a number of people from many chapters ago and I certainly tried to deliver, I’m sorry for the wait but I almost always have a host of chapters already in mind even when I haven’t always quite written them yet, it’s why I’m able to post either every day or every other day. I sincerely hope you all enjoy this chapter and that it doesn’t disappoint.

“Lee,” Kara calls from somewhere in the apartment just as you’re lowering yourself into the tub. 

It’s only been a full week since Maggie has upped your strength and core training, and for the hundredth time, you regret bumbling into your reaching out to her without a proper plan and letting her try to whip you into shape. At first it had started as a silent unspoken exchange, a tit for tat, though it escapes you now how your bringing her afternoon snacks and her taking a half hour break to go to a nearby park with you bi-weekly needed payment in the form of her laughing at you as you wheezed your lungs out. You bring her lattes and pastries and she makes you jog and sweat, your lungs and muscles burning.

You used to run your own company, you used to be CEO, you used to be able to negotiate mergers to your benefit on little to no sleep with only caffeine keeping you on your feet, you used to buy off and assimilate smaller companies with great potential at the drop of a hat, and yet Maggie Sawyer, a mere cop for the Science Division of the NCPD, has you running laps until you’re about to pass out, and still you’re the one buying and bringing food and refreshments. 

But really, there’s nothing _mere_ about Maggie Sawyer, she’s spunk and overwhelming sincerity personified and your guilt at not having reached out before gets the better of you. 

It had started as early as the second week, after _“If you’re not going to get to the point and tell me why you keep dropping by, you can’t do it anymore.”_

And you’d tried to wheedle out of it because you couldn’t very well tell her Alex Danvers still talks about her like she’s the love of her life every time she gets drunk and that you think Alex is spiraling into an even bigger heartbreak than the one she’d gone through right after they’d broken up, what without even being in a relationship with her anymore, because really, what the hell, right? But God. Alex’s eyes- Haunted and hollow. So much pain and confusion. And you hadn’t known what to do.

So you’d told Maggie you were interested in self-defense lessons, and you’d been pleased with yourself that it was at least a halfway decent reason because you at least bothered to do cursory research before plucking up the courage for what was bound to be highly awkward visits with her. Maggie had looked at you strangely, because it had to have been obvious it wasn’t really what you’d come for, but then she’d smirked and given you a time and place and you couldn’t back out. And of course when you’d gotten there you realize you’d actually completely dropped the ball on that research because Maggie’s self defense class is for eight to twelve year olds and not adults, but you were already there and backing out was even less of an option, and she was positively bent over in laughter when she saw you realize that upon your arrival. 

But Maggie hadn’t pushed again. She hadn’t asked again. She’s made you come to the afternoon sessions, bi-weekly, effectively turning the 15 to 30 minute drop-ins into two hours of physical activity which you positively hate. You like the kids, they’re cute, and hyper and happy and fun, and they know nothing of who you are, who your brother is, and it doesn’t at all matter that they don’t remember the previous reality, all that does is that you try (though you fail) to do cartwheels and handstands during the breaks and know how to leverage your weight and extol maximum damage for the lessons. So sessions for the most part are fun, but the laps Maggie makes you run, likely as punishment for lying to her about why you’ve actually reached out, and the drills she makes you undergo to get you fit are decidedly not.

“In the bath, darling.” It’s more a soft groan than actual speaking but you feel sore all over and you know Kara has a habit of listening for you anyway so your reply isn’t even really necessary.

“Hey…” she says appearing at the doorway, brow furrowed in concern. “You okay?”

You groan in response and can’t help the pout that forms on your lips.

“Oh, babe…” Kara whispers, kneeling beside you, tucking a lose strand of hair behind your ear and you lean into her touch, closing your eyes. “How far did Maggie make you run today?”

“Torture.” You rasp out in reply. You don’t want to think and talk about Maggie’s sadistic tendencies.

Kara laughs softly as she presses a kiss to your cheek. “You soak while I make dinner. Stir-fry, okay?”

You give a light hum in approval, eyes still closed. You feel Kara press another kiss, this time to your lips and you smile in appreciation. If your body wasn’t so sore you’d pull her into the tub with you, but you are and you’re quite literally falling asleep.

“Love you,” she breathes into you and your eyes snap open. It still gets to you, her saying that. Your heart flutters and races and beats beats beats. Her eyes, blue and bright and gentle and loving looks into yours and it’s moments like these that you’d give up absolutely everything for. Moments that make breathing and living in this crazy new reality the easiest thing in the world.

She kisses you again, chastely, quickly, before pushing off from her perch and heading out. You’re quiet for a bit, listening to the sound of her preparing dinner in the kitchen for a minute, two, three, four, until your heart calms and isn’t completely bursting with desperate love and clawing affection. “I love you too, Kara.” You say, softly, almost reverent.

You know she hears because in the next instant there’s a loud thunk, likely a pan crashing onto the floor and a loud squeak. You shake your head, smiling softly. She’s such a dork. And God, she’s yours.

You lay your head back onto the lid of the tub and close your eyes. The next time you open them, Kara is trailing light kisses on your jaw.

“Come on, sleepyhead.” She says softly, pressing one last lingering kiss to your lips before pulling you up and out of the tub.

She’s got you ensconed in a large fluffy towel, rubbing you dry and you lay your head on her shoulder and let her do all the work. She chuckles against you and you hide your smile in her neck rubbing your nose against her collarbone and pressing a kiss to it. 

You love her. You love her so very very much you think you’ll melt into a big puddle of goo if you opened your mouth and tried to tell her exactly how much. 

Kara has always been attractive and it was impossible not to be attracted to her. But you’d been dealing with your own problems, problems thrust upon you by your brother and your mother, and though friendly flirting was something you had engaged in on your worst of days, or _best_ really, depending on whether you were in a masochistic mood, you never actually thought you’d get here with her. Some days you still marvel at how far you two have come, how easy it was to just love her and let her love you when everything else about this reality is proving to be _complicated._

Just months ago you were drowning in misery at her betrayal and heartbreak on a near hourly basis and now you’re happily, marvelously drowning in everything that is her. God. You don’t think you can ever go back from this. You’d thought you knew what it meant to be lonely and miserable, growing up and living all those years with the coldness befitting the Luthor name, and then with the warmth of friendship with Kara alleviating some of it, taking off that icy chill, but now, to be loved by Kara in this way, to live in her love each and every day… To have to ever be without it again would undoubtedly bring on unfathomable loneliness and misery, one you’re going to make sure never comes to pass in this reality and in any other.

You’ll make sure all the possibilities of forever are with her. All. Every single one. 

“Come on, sleepy.” She tells you again, pulling your head up from her shoulder and rubbing your cheeks. She’s warm and you realize you’re chilled from the bath water that had since cooled and not noticed in your sleep. You let out an appreciative moan when she rubs her nose against your cheek, your heart full full full. 

She gets you into a tank top and sweatpants before she’s tugging you into a hoodie. “You always get so cold.” She tells you as you’re mostly limply sitting on the bathroom counter. Your bones feel like jelly and you’re yawning and fighting to keep your eyes open once again.

“Come on,” She says again, stepping between your legs and tugging you towards her. 

You sink into her, holding her in her place tightly as you let out a muffled “I can walk.” 

She chuckles, her breath warm against your neck and you sigh. You’re happy. So so happy and comfortable and in love. And God, you’re also loved. You’re loved and you know it. You feel it. You’re loved and safe and for the moment everything is good and perfect and most certainly enough. 

“I really don’t think you can right now.” She responds with a light chuckle. 

You lift your head and open your eyes again to look at her and she’s got a dopey, adoring smile on her face.

“God, Kar.” You say, a little choked up by the blatant love and adoration in her gaze, and you pull her closer. “I love you.” She pushes a stray strand of hair away from your face again, her brow crinkling ever so slightly. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” You tell her, and your heart beats to its rhythm.

“I’m going to talk to Maggie about easing up and not killing you.” She says seriously and you snort. As if Maggie would listen. You know it had started out as a joke but Maggie’s been going a bit gaga and insisting you take it a lot more seriously recently. You haven’t had a chance to press and ask why exactly, honestly mostly because you’re afraid of the answer. Things are starting to change in this reality, you can feel it.

“Tell me you love me too.” You say in response, pouting at her.

“Always so demanding.” She rolls her eyes, a smirk on those gorgeous lips.

“Say it.” And yes, it’s demanding but you also know Kara loves it. God. Kara’s been showing you there’s not a single part of you she doesn’t love and you can feel yourself positively flourish at each passing day with her. 

“Oh, Lena Luthor,” she says shaking her head at you. “You have no idea how much I love you.”

“I think I’ve got _some_ idea.” You tell her, a bit cheeky, but yes, you’ve definitely got an idea.

She laughs, pressing a kiss to your jaw before pulling away from you. “Come on then, if you insist on walking.”

You slide down from the counter, her hands firmly on your hips, keeping you steady. Yes, you’ve definitely got some idea of how much she loves you.

You’re greeted by darkness when you step out of the bathroom and Kara gently tugs you towards the bed. 

“But you cooked,” You protest half-heartedly.

“Hmm,” she agrees, pulling the covers back and nudging you down. You fall to the bed, sitting, and immediately pull Kara into you and you nuzzle your face into her stomach. She removes the stick keeping your hair up and in place, and runs her fingers through it for a minute, two, three and you feel yourself almost drift off again.

“Go to sleep, Lee.” She tells you, rubbing your shoulders lightly before pulling away from you and once again nudging you to scoot further into bed.

You acquiesce, moaning as your back sinks into the mattress, your aches and pains coming to the fore now that your body can officially shut down for the night. But it can’t, you can’t, not just yet, not until Kara is in bed too. She’s back in a few minutes and you groan your way to snuggling against her. She laughs at you again, pressing another kiss to your head.

Yes, you’ve definitely got some idea of how much she loves you.

\---

You wake at around five the next morning and you’re careful not to wake Kara, taking only a moment to bask in her embrace and press a kiss to her neck before slipping quietly out of bed. You see the pills she has left for you on the nightstand and you take them, draining the glass of water and heading to the kitchen to refill it. The dose should be enough to stave off most of the muscle fatigue and you know keeping hydrated helps too. 

You’ve never been one for sleeping for too long, your brain has an ugly habit of going on overdrive after a certain number of hours, churning out ideas and thoughts you have to jot down and let play out consciously, critically, weighing which do and don’t have merit, which may or may not work, which are vital to pursue at the given time and which aren’t. Right now you’ve got the nanites on the back burner, you’re really close to the finished product, while you tinker with the shield prototype.

Kara had recounted to you the different possibilities the fifth dimension being had showed her and the one where you’d killed her has been on the forefront of your mind and you’ve been scrounging to create better protection for her lest something similar ever occurs in this reality. Of course, you’d never be a party to it, but if your mother had figured out how to create Kryptonitized humans as weapons, your brother certainly can as well and he’s much more deranged than your mother ever has been and more than a little over the top in his presentation and follow through. Creating enough of them could be more than Kara can handle, possibly more than all the heroes can handle if Lex is intelligent enough to launch massive coordinated attacks tailored to cater to each and every hero’s particular set of weaknesses. And he is. He really is, it just doesn’t seem to be his priority at the moment, but you’re not going to wait for it to be, you’ll tackle the problem right now before he even starts thinking about it.

The coffee maker starts up at exactly 6:30, missing the beginning of the sky lighting up in your concentration, and you swiftly put your tools away. You briefly consider starting on breakfast but decide against it, you know both you and Kara much prefer to waking up to each other however nice waking to breakfast is. 

So you snuggle up next to her, a happy sigh escaping your lips as she pulls you into her arms even in sleep. You revel in the feel of her for a few short minutes, breathing her in, letting her warmth seep into your bones, your heart, your soul. You press a kiss to her neck, and then her jaw, nuzzling her cheek after pressing a kiss to her lips. You let her wake slowly, with featherlight kisses and a gentle, peaceful love.

When she opens her eyes her gaze is hazy and unfocused but her pulse quickens and a smile forms on her lips. “Morning,” she rasps, briefly closing her eyes again.

“What do you want for breakfast?” You say kissing her again, your own silent greeting. 

“Hmm,” she says her eyes dark, positively purring “YOU.”

And fuck, fuck, fuck, that’s still something you haven’t gotten used to. Your heart starts hammering inside your chest, desire and unadulterated want immediately spreading to every bit of your body. You surge forward, stealing her very breath in a deep dizzying kiss, and whisper, “I think that can be arranged.” 

\---  
Kara is called away over an hour later, and you’re grateful you’d both been in the middle of a shared shower instead of the other more intimate and exceedingly pleasurable activities you were in just moments before because the look in Kara’s eyes when she heard the fire sirens and realized she had to go, it’s the first time the utter unfairness of all your collective abilities and hence responsibilities to the world truly strikes. 

It isn’t that you doubt Kara’s declarations of love, no, of course you don’t. But there’s something too about having someone so pure and good and bright, say and feel and love you so completely that its depths seem unfathomable. Kara had given you a very pragmatic glimpse of that this morning and you’re still fighting not to tremble at the memory of how she had had to force herself to leave and _help_ and _save_ instead of staying with you.

And it’s the first time it aches, really really aches to have her leave in such a manner because in the physicality of the moment, in seeing that look on her face, the look in her eyes shifting from curiosity, alarm, deep deep regret, anger, guilt, before tacit acquiescence, and fierce determination, you had seen and felt how she truly did not want to leave your side. But she had steeled herself, deeming her own needs and wants secondary to the safety and lives of other people. And of course that makes sense, she’ll have other moments with you and you with her, but today you feel the irreparable unfairness of it all. 

So today, even just for a day, you’re not going to think about the world. You’re not going to think about air, water, soil and land pollution levels, and really, is there anything at all that isn’t polluted? You’re not going to think about the green house gasses and depletion of the ozone layer, the depletion of natural resources and loss of biodiversity, the massive carbon footprint and the mountains of waste generated each day. You’re not going to think about it. You’re not going to worry about it. You’re not going to work to solve it. Today you’re not going to fight to make the world better. 

Today you’re living the day for you. You’re living the day for Kara. 

No people to help, no people to save, no reality to rectify, no problems to solve. 

Just for you. Just for her. 

And you’re going to start with chocolate chip and peanut butter waffles, with a side of banana slices and bacon, which you know she absolutely loves, and honestly, you now do too despite your relatively different tastes in food. 

You’ve finished the batter, and the is table set, plates and cutlery laid out, griddle for the bacon on the stove, waffle iron ready and waiting, all toppings and ingredients prepped and on hand for cooking the moment she’s back home. You’re considering slicing the onions and bell peppers for the lasagna you’re planning to make for dinner when she arrives with a surprised but incredibly pleased “Lena!”

“Hi, darling,” you laugh at her as you watch her stumble slightly. Such a clumsy dork. _Your_ clumsy dork.

“Aren’t you gonna be late for work?”

“I _am_ a majority shareholder.” You smirk at her. “I technically still own a large part of the company. I think I can afford to be late sometimes. Or you know, not go in at all.”

She squeals, positively squeals and zooms to take you into her arms. “It’s a ditch day?” 

You laugh and laugh and laugh, not only because you’re happy and Kara is adorable, but because you’re not in college and God, you wish you’d known Kara in college, known her at any and all points in your past because she makes you feel so warm and full and happy. 

“Do you have to go in today?” You ask her, rubbing at soot on her jaw. She really needs to take a shower. “I can hang around your office, wait and take you to lunch.” 

“No way!” She yelps, bouncing in front of you. “If you’re ditching, I’m ditching. I think my throat’s feeling scratchy.” She fakes a cough, and smiles widely the next instant. “These things you know, they come so suddenly, and they just knock you right out.”

You laugh at her antics and give her a peck on the lips before pushing her towards the bathroom so you can commence with making breakfast. “Go on, make your calls and wash that soot off of you.”

She returns not long after you’ve plated the waffles and bacon, a phone to her ear and you laugh as you hear her grumble a, “No, you can’t ditch too, Nia. I’m sure you ditched all the time in college and highschool. I haven’t ditched since college because of Supergirl and I think _‘ditch’_ is one of the five words in the English language Lena doesn’t know the meaning of.”

“Of which Lena does not know the meaning, Ms. Danvers.” You quip, winking at her as you drizzle chocolate sauce on her waffle. 

Kara moans appreciatively at the sight of the ridiculous amount of syrup you’ve lathered her waffles in, before she looks incredulously at you and shrieks into the phone, “No we are _not_ doing anything _indecent,_ but if we were that’s no business of yours as we are two consenting adults in an exclusive loving relationship—No I have not asked her to be my girlfriend!”

And you’re almost bent over in laughter. It’s becoming a terrible habit of Nia’s, trying to get a rise out of Kara, and frankly Kara makes it incredibly easy for her. You hold out your hand for the phone and Kara grumbles again before handing it to you.

“Hi, honey,” you breathe into the phone. “I’m making lasagna for dinner, I’ll send some for you tomorrow, okay?”

Nia cheers on the other end and you let her ramble for a minute before gently reminding her she’s on the clock and of all she needs to do. She whines slightly about being kept out of ditch day but then quite happily wishes you and Kara a good day with “Please _do _all the things I wouldn’t do,” which has Kara blushing beside you.__

__“You’re spoiling her and she’s turning into a brat.” Kara tells you when you’ve hung up._ _

__You tug her into your arms, hands wrapping around her waist. “She misses her Mom. Her sister. She’s not looking to you to be her mentor right now, she’s looking for family.”_ _

__Kara sighs and crashes her lips onto yours. “You are utter mush, Lena Luthor.” She tells you when she pulls away._ _

__You pull out a dining stool for her and give a slight bow, inviting her to sit and she smiles at you, the adoring one that makes your heart _ache_ and _ache._ You try to push it down, focusing on lighter, happier things. “So Ms. Danvers, what four other words do I not know the meaning of?”_ _

__Kara laughs and you feel immediately lighter. She pauses in cutting into her waffle to smirk at you. “Oh you know, break, relax, vacation, sleep-in.”_ _

__She trails off for a moment but continues smirking and you know she isn’t done. She holds up a hand and starts counting out more. “rest, time off, holiday, play hooky…”_ _

__“Run out, Ms. Danvers?”_ _

__“No,” she laughs, “but the lovely Lena Luthor has made these incredible waffles and everything smells amazing and it’s making thinking very difficult.”_ _

__You smile at her and gesture for her to begin eating. Her moan upon her first bite is absolutely sinful and you feel your face flame at the sound. She eats half of it before you get a handle on yourself and say, “So, Kara Danvers, are you going to ask me to be your girlfriend?”_ _

__She chokes and sputters and you’re only almost sorry because she’s so darned adorable. You bite back your laugh and rub her back as she downs a glass of water, fighting to stop coughing and get her breathing in control._ _

__When she does, she’s quiet for a moment, her eyes gazing into you, intense and scorching. “You’re so much more, Lena.” She tells you, fiery, ardent, fervid. ““You’re who I’ve been dreaming of my whole life. You give me strength and courage, and hope. You catch me and hold me when I fall apart. You let me break and hurt and fail, and your trust in me, your unwavering belief in me. keeps me getting back up. You are my home. The light of your love, the beat of your heart, it keeps me tethered and believing and hoping. You are my _light,_ Lena. And someday… someday you’re going to be my wife.” _ _

__And you’re falling, falling, falling._ _

__“But yeah, I guess you can be my girlfriend too. _For now._ ”_ _

__\---_ _

__“Kara did you mean that?” It’s half past midnight and Kara’s snoring softly next to you, evidently asleep, but you can’t help it. You’re awake, brain reeling, heart bursting, soul on fire._ _

__“Kaaaraaa…” You whine, rubbing your face against her chest. “Kara, wake up.”_ _

__She only groans in reply, pulling you in closer._ _

__“Kara…”_ _

__“No.” She whines, eyes closed. “Sleep, Lena.”_ _

__“But Kara…” You say, pulling away from her, hovering above slightly, “Did you mean it?”_ _

__“Mean what,” she says, grumbling and pulling you against her once again._ _

__“What you said this morning.”_ _

__And she smirks. Your heart thumps wildly and you wait for her to speak._ _

__“That you’re a goddess? A sex goddess? That you’re beautiful all the time but my favorite is when you’re coming undone?”_ _

__God, she’s teasing you. “Kara!”_ _

__“When you’re gasping and moaning and writhing and arching—”_ _

__“Kara…” You groan and swat at her shoulder before letting your body fall flush against hers and groan once again into her neck. “Did you mean it?” You mumble, hiding your undoubtedly flushed face and she laughs._ _

__She kisses your temple and she opens her eyes, looking straight into your soul, filling you with light and life. “Yes, Lena Luthor. It would be my greatest honor to make you my wife.”_ _

__And fuck, just fuck, you’re simultaneously falling and drowning and flying and you never want to stop._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I started this story with a whole host of feelings – disappointment, heartbreak, anger, and a bottomless pit of hope (all having to do with Supergirl not my own life), and absolutely NO plan other than to explore all these what-ifs. And while I think I was able to effectively do just that, communicate, create and provide a different world where our favorite ladies could explore, it’s way past time to build. And while I’ve been trying to build for a while, I’ve realize that I certainly ended up having dug myself into a couple of holes I hadn’t quite understood the implications of in the beginning. It’d be smarter to say I regret it, but I really don’t despite the immense challenge of having to try to dig myself out, because those feelings, words and scenes were raw and pure and very real in the moment. It was beautiful delving into them, and while it’s easy to be happy with the positivity and light, there’s something beautiful and real too about deep, dark pain. 
> 
> Wish me luck in figuring out how to better build and develop and as always, your opinions and ideas are welcome.


	23. What the actual -?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another one of my faves.

"I think this has gone on long enough, don't you?" You're so immersed in going over the reports on the most recent tests your teams have just submitted that you don't at all notice Lex approach.

You raise an eyebrow at him, annoyance clear. You've got a lot to catch up on. One ditch day with Kara had turned into two and two had turned into three and the three would have turned into four had there not been an alien matter that needed Supergirl.

And God, it had it been amazing. Nia had dropped in on the third day, demanding compensation for her extra work and decimating your leftovers, and it was nice to see that for few days, the world held.

Alex is still out East visiting Ruby and Sam, having left soon after Thanksgiving, and Kara had expressly forbidden you from contacting any of them and even cancelled on Maggie for you.

"We're all adults, Lena." She had insisted. "You've helped enough. Give them time. Give them space. Alex has got this. I'd say Sam's got her but it's really more Ruby, isn't it?" And you'd laughed because right now, Ruby's still more of an angel than the badass she'll grow into, and if anyone can help mend Alex's broken heart it's the sweet, innocent, purity of Ruby Arias. You want to check on Kelly but Kara is adamant you stay out for the moment and give everyone time to breathe and think.

You don't know how it's going to go, but you force yourself to listen. There's a fine line between helping and meddling, and right now, for as long as the world is holding, you'll get caught up on work and happily focus all your attention and energy on Kara.

But of course the universe has other plans.

You're not quite sure what your brother is doing in your office after having stringently avoided you since his last power play, much more what he's actually talking about, but you frankly don't care. While the data on the nanites is promising, the numbers on the solar power conversions are less than you'd predicted and you're itching to finish going through the report so you can finally go down to the labs and see first hand what had gone wrong.

"Cut to the chase, Lex." You groan. You really don't have time for him today. "I've got a lot to do."

"I've given you more than enough time to throw your little tantrum and come to your senses."

You would try for blank, unruffled, even blasé, but he's wasting your time and you still don't know what he's talking about, not to mention whatever it is, treating you like a child is certainly _not_ going to help him convince you to agree to whatever it is. And damn it, you helped with the prototype of that generator, not just helping design it but literally wiring some of it before it was sent out into the field.

You roll your eyes at him before pushing off your chair and heading towards the cabinets and pouring yourself a glass. The fact that your brother drives you to drink before noon should have always tipped you off about how he's the devil incarnate, an almost literal thorn in your side.

"Get to it." You tell him, gesturing for him to continue with your glass of scotch. You will only have a finger. Just one. Damn. You could really go for more but you need to keep your wits about you if you're going to be painstakingly going over more numbers.

"You can have the company back." He says firmly. And you choke.

"What the actual fuck?" You say rasp out when you're once again able to breathe.

His distaste at your word choice is clear on his face but he thankfully chooses not to remark on it, choosing finally to get to the point. "You can have Luthor Corp back. Call it L-Corp again, whatever you want. You can halve the funding between your little environmental projects and our government weapons programs. As long as you deliver on those deals and have sufficient advancement and tech in that arena I'll stay out of it. You can be CEO again. You can have it all back Lena."

You're looking incredulously at him, truly struck dumb.

"Well?" He prods.

And truly you just wanna ask him again - _What the actual fuck?_

He soldiers on, luckily, because you still can't really form coherent thought that doesn't cuss him out til kingdom come.

"If you're still angry about that thing I didn't come home and help you with months ago... Do you know how many lives Leviathan will claim if I don't get to them? Do you know the power they have? How they can alter this reality for their benefit?" He says passionately. "I'm not the bad guy, Lena."

"You..." And you can't help the incredulous bark of laughter that falls from your lips. "You want me to believe you're going after Leviathan to _save_ the world?"

"Of course!" He says, looking at you as though you're the one who is only now starting to finally talk sense. "This world is _ours,_ Lena. We have to protect it from them, from all that would ruin it. It's the only one left. I saved it for us. _For us._ And we're the only ones who can protect it."

There's a familiar manic tinge in his eyes and you wonder if he's still simply playing you, pretending and hiding so well that he seems to believe what he's saying or if he's once again in the throes of his mania.

 _Oh Lex._ You think. _Lex, Lex, Lex._ You'd lost him so long ago, and it was a vain and hollow dream to think it was ever possible to get him back.

"Take it." He says again. "Take Luthor Corp back. I'll stay out of your way."

"I don't _want_ it back, Lex." And you're surprised by how much you actually mean it. "I don't have time to go on silly meetings to soothe and boost the ruffled egos of wealthy old mysogynists who think they're God's gift to the world. I have three years, three damn years of research to get caught up on. You're so hell-bent on blaming the aliens for what's happening to this world that you don't see how we've been destroying it for centuries! You're so concerned about having _power_ and _ruling,_ but that research you got rid of, that's what's going to give you a fucking world to rule at all. My little environmental projects are going to be the reason this world has clean air and water. And let me remind you brother, neither you nor I have come up with a way to survive without either of those. So the next time you go after _my projects,_ remember that I'm the one making sure you have a world at all in which to play king."

He's silent for a moment, and you pray he thinks about your words. Because right now, though you mean it, truly, _truly,_ you're aching to just reach out once again and take back that power he's offering. You can have all your projects again. _All of them._ But you can't. The devil will have your soul in return and Kara's already got yours safe with hers. _Fuck._ You're glad it's safe with her because it's so close, so within reach, your company, your reality, you can take your _reality_ back.

You breathe deeply, once, twice, thrice, a handful more until you get yourself in check and your lungs are no longer burning and breathing becomes easier. You're glad he waits to speak because the next words out of his mouth makes the blood in your veins boil.

"They'll betray you again, Lena. They did before, they will again. They're keeping you close, afraid of what you'll do because they know you're capable of extraordinary things. They'll keep you from me, they'll keep you from your _real_ family. But in the end you'll see: they'll betray you."

You call it a victory when you manage to say only: "Get out."

But it's a temporal one for he forges ahead, ignoring the visible anger that's engulfed you.

"She doesn't _love_ you. She's using you. It's what they do. They make you feel special, promise you the world, but the second your back is turned, they'll push that knife in so deep it will go through you. She did it once, and now you're giving her the chance to do it again."

Kara's voice stops you from raging. "Is that the best you've got?"

The surprise of her appearance keeps your brother from putting his mask of jovial indifference back on and you see the revulsion in his eyes as he looks at her.

"I see you, Kryptonian." He spits out. "I see you for what you truly are. You have her fooled now, but I'll open her eyes to see through you again. And you will become _nothing._ "

"Are you finished?" She asks imperiously, and if he were anyone other than Lex Luthor he'd be quaking in fear. Kara's eyes are a dangerous mix of fire and steel, you feel her vibrating imperceptibly with fury.

But he is, and whether it is his mania that keeps him from better sense or his grandiose delusions, it matters not. He stands his ground, turning to you instead, dismissing her with no more than a turn. "You're a Luthor through and through, Lena. You are _my_ family, _my_ blood. There is nothing you can do to quell that nobility. It is in your veins. This world is mine, as it is yours. You can try to deny it but one day, one day soon, they will all bow at our feet, sister, and you will see that no one will ever stand above you ever again. They will fall and worship. And your little pet will be nothing but a forgotten footnote in your legacy."

Kara moves. She steps forward and you all but throw yourself between them.

"Go, Lex." You tell him firmly. Something in you must communicate its importance because he seems to shake himself out of his megalomaniac trance.

He smiles at you widely and says, "Take care of yourself, sister dear, you're looking a bit peaky." And with a kiss to your cheek he finally leaves.

You hold out a hand to steady yourself, clutching at your desk as you fight for composure.

"Lena..." Kara begins but you don't let her continue. You can't.

"Kara... I've got a lot of work to do." You hear yourself say.

 _Steady._ You tell yourself. _Steady._

You stand straighter, steeling yourself. "I'm okay. We're okay." You tell Kara firmly, holding up both hands to ward her off, keep her from moving towards you. "There's just so much to get caught up on. I'll see you after dinner, darling. Okay?"

Her eyes bore into yours and your feel your resolve waver momentarily. You want to throw yourself into her arms, and ask her to take you both millions and millions of miles away, light years, planets, galaxies _away_ from your brother, this world, this universe. But you can't. You just fucking can't.

"Please, darling." You say softly, fighting to control the rising fear. You won't let it overtake you. You won't.

She nods. And then she's gone.


	24. Current Variables

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised!

"Come on, Lena, I don't have all night." Maggie says, tapping her foot lightly.

"Hell, Mags." You breathe out. "Maybe you shouldn't have made it so tight then."

"Yeah, 'cause your brother's goons are going to be taking it easy on you." She shoots back.

"He showed up today." You tell her, still working on the restraints. Maggie's got you tied up in a chair trying to teach you how to free yourself and give you a fighting chance for when your brother inevitably comes for you. Of course you had reminded her that the last time he'd simply pumped you full with methohexithal and asked if she's got anything for that. She'd simply glared at you in response and had proceeded to further tighten the ropes.

After her talk with Kara regarding the inconsistencies in her memories, J'onn had paid her a visit and restored them soon after Thanksgiving. You're not certain what went on behind that decision but you're so ridiculously fried from just everything going on that you're just going to be glad that she knows and that everything's out in the open. Well, everything about reality anyway because you're still banned from meddling into hers and Alex's affairs, not that you'd even know to begin meddling in that. You're actually quite sure you don't want to and sincerely pray there's no need for it. They're both your friends and so is Kelly. You don't want to risk losing any of them.

"Did he threaten you?" She asks, the tapping of her foot stopping. Her eyes are angry, brows furrowed. "Lena, did he threaten you?" She asks again when you don't respond quickly enough.

You shake your head. "He threatened the _world..._ "

"What did he say exactly?" She presses, squatting in front of you, her eyes heavy and serious.

"Maggie..."

"Jesus, Luthor, what did he say?" She snaps.

"He offered me the company back. Said he'd stay out of running it as long as I kept the weapons contracts with the government. He said I was a Luthor." You say.

"Well, no shit, you are."

You roll your eyes at her. "You know Kara doesn't appreciate all the swearing."

"Am I rubbing off on you, Little Luthor?" She smirks. "What else did he say?"

"She doesn't love me. They'll betray me again."

"Predictable." Maggie says with a small nod. "All up to par with expectations so far. What do you mean he threatened the world? Did he mention Kara?"

You try to shrug but the restraints are still too tight. "He said she was nothing, that all she'd be is a footnote. But it wasn't so much what he said, but the look in his eyes, you know?" You remember how lost he had been in his imaginings, how his eyes had danced as he had taunted both you and Kara with his crazy idea of a future you will make sure never comes to pass. "I thought Kara was literally going to crush him."

_"Kara was there?"_

"Yeah..." You breathe out. "She just showed up halfway through it... Maggie, seriously, it's too tight. It's already chafing."

She ignores your complaints. "Did he speak to her? What did he say?"

"He said... He'd open my eyes and make me see her for what she is. Like I would take her down. Then he said I looked unwell and left."

"Jesus H. Christ, Lena." Maggie spits out, shaking her head. "Have you got no self-preservation instincts?"

"Wha--"

"What the hell are you doing here with me?"

"What?" Your head is spinning. What is she talking about?

"Little Danvers must be going out of her mind." She mumbles. "What're you doing here?"

"You said you'd make me run an extra _three miles_ next week if I didn't show up today!"

"I think your brother showing up and going off on one of his psychotic rants counts as extenuating circumstances unlike your three-day sexcapade with Kara."

"It was not..." But you trail off. _Whatever._ You're an adult woman and what you do and do not do in the privacy of your own home with the woman you love is no one's business but yours and hers.

"He's gone insane again, Maggie. Sometimes he's just so normal, so put together, just another ruthless businessman, that it's easy to not think about how he's actually insane _all the time_ underneath all that."

Damn it, picking the lock of a pair of handcuffs the previous week is proving to be much easier than trying to free yourself from the rope Maggie's used tonight.

You continue, grunting and groaning at the effort. You're not kidding, it's chafing and your skin's always had a terrible habit of bruising. "He was raving about ruling the world, being worshipped. Like he's going off the deep end. _Again._ "

"Who hasn't wanted to rule the world at one time or another?" Maggie says almost casually, taking out her Ka-Bar and cutting you lose.

"What?" You say, as you rub at the tender skin gingerly.

"You've never wondered what it would be like to rule the world?" Maggie asks incredulously. "Think of how much time and resources you'd save if you could enact policies to have companies just cut back on their waste generation by even just 30%, have them so heavily fined that they stop being profitable. You can re-allocate budgets to fund the science sector and green initiatives, focus on equity instead of equality, reduce poverty, have zero tolerance for abuse. And that's just to start."

"You want Lex's number, Mags?"

"Nah, you're the only Luthor in my life, Little Luthor. Let's keep it that way until I'm slapping cuffs on your brother and shoving him into the deepest darkest cell on this planet. _Now, go home._ "

\---  
You do go home, and it's dark and hot inside the apartment. Kara isn't back yet so you do a sweep and make sure no unwanted devices have been installed in your absence as you do every single night you come home before Kara, and you don't realize how relieved you actually are that everything is as it was, your home still safe and untouched.

You open the windows to let the cool air filter in, turning down the heater considerably. You strip down to your underwear and only pull on one of Kara's old oversized sleepshirts only long enough to reach partway through your highs. You check your phone for a message from her, but there's nothing save two work emails that you refuse to open tonight.

You throw together a quick salad, Maggie has reminded you that she's not putting you through the gauntlet to make you lose weight but to get you fighting fit for the next end of the world catastrophe, and well, you are finally hungry. You'd lost all appetite for lunch and dinner with Lex's visit, and you hate letting him get to you.

But you weren't lying or pretending when you said you were fine. You are. You're _fine._ Healthy doses of fear are _fine._ Being reminded of your brother's crazy is _fine._ You need to stay on your toes anyway. 

You check your phone again. Still nothing from Kara. You check the news, scanning for Supergirl updates, robberies, fires, muggings, car crashes, even lost pets, trying to see what has Kara out late. You find nothing and are just about to call her when a hesitant knock at the door gets your attention.

You're stupefied by the sight that greets you. Brainy is barely managing to hold up an obviously intoxicated Kara, looking highly uncomfortable and mildly rattled. The first thing he says to you is, "I've disengaged all recording devices outside on the streets and inside the building for fifteen minutes, we have five left, it's safer for your brother to not know about Supergirl's current state."

You gape at him for a moment before Kara stumbles and you surge forward to catch her. You pull her through the doorway as Brainy shifts his feet, still uncomfortable. "Lena, I have not had a chance to thank you for what you've been doing for Nia." He begins.

Your arms tighten around Kara, mildly confused. _Is this really the time for this?_

"I am truly grateful." He presses on. "I sincerely hope that one day, she can forgive me for what I've done. But you don't have to do the same. A pretense of not caring for Kara is no longer a mitigating factor in foiling Lex Luthor's plans. Even when it was, there was only a sixty-five percent chance of success. It may not seem like it, but with the current variables at play, _this_ is the best chance we have of successfully undermining his machinations."

"I..." You admit, you're mildly bewildered. Kara is slumped against you, rubbing her face against your neck and despite the undoubtedly important information Brainy has finally decided to share with you, you also just want him to leave so you can take care of Kara. "That's... great? Why have you and Kara been drinking?"

"I have not partaken of the harder libations as your wife has. I myself prefer the fruity--"

"Brainy!" You're frozen, mouth agape, heart hammering.

"Oh? No? No, no, no. Not yet. Certainly not yet." He says blinking back what looks to you like confusion. "My apologies. As I was saying, there is no need for you to push Kara away. This world's best chance for survival and life is contingent on everyone being true to themselves."

You stare at Brainy as Kara shifts in your arms. "I have no intention of pushing Kara away, Brainy. Not now, not ever again."

That seems to mollify him and he gives a ridiculous mock salute as he turns on his heel and finally leaves without another word.

You push the door closed with your foot and drag Kara to the bedroom. You sit her on the bed and proceed to take her clothes off. 

"Can't let Lex get to you, darling." You say to her as you're tugging her shoes and socks off.

"Lena, Lena, Lena." She says, eyes hazy.

"Yes, darling, I'm here.” You tell her.

"I was scared you wouldn't be." She says, grabbing for you and you lose your balance and fall on her. She giggles, eyes unfocused, grip tight.

"Well, that's silly." You tell her lightly. "I'm never going to be anywhere but with you."

"Not today, you told me to leave." She says, petulantly.

She's really quite lucid and you wonder what she's been drinking.

"I had work, darling. No need to let Lex ruin the day."

"I didn't. He can't ruin anything for me as long as I have you." Kara protests.

"That's good then," You pry yourself away from her, unbuttoning her pants and relieving her of them. "Because you'll always have me. I'm yours remember?"

"You should tell him that." She says, delightedly. You roll your eyes at the sheer elation and mischief on her face.

"I think that'll bring on the next catastrophe just a wee bit faster, love."

"Let's get it over with." She responds. "I'm ready. Let's get him out of our lives. Everyone thinks he's so smart, but he's really not. So stupid. So so stupid..."

"Hmm," you hum noncommittally as you finish unbuttoning her blouse.

"You're not peaky. You're gorgeous. I take care of you. I do, don't I?"

"You do." You agree, your tone hard, firm, with absolutely no room for doubt. "You take _amazing care_ of me."

"And you take care of me." She says nuzzling into your stomach.

"Come on, let's get you washed. You'll feel better." You say, tugging her up.

"I don't feel bad." She insists, pulling you into her arms once again and you sigh as you acquiesce, choosing to sink into the moment and drown in her, wrapping your arms around her neck, straddling her. "I feel pretty awesome. I have you. The world hasn't imploded. You make the best waffles in the galaxy. And you're so so hot and perfect. And mine. Did I say that yet? _Rao, Lena, you're mine._ "

"Yes, Kara." You say, kissing her lightly. "I am."

"He's so stupid." She says again. You laugh, nuzzling her nose with yours. "Can't he see this is forever?"

And she's right. It is. You and her, you're forever.


	25. From the coast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, the chapter that’s caused me great anxiety.
> 
> Thanks steelwing and Gabi for looking it over for me! I promise the next chapter in about 24 hours so you guys can actually have something new to read =) 
> 
> Oh, also, I’ll be changing the title of the story to “Of all the possibilities” upon my next chapter update in case people end up getting confused, here's a little heads-up to hopefully reduce the chance of that.

"How is she?"

You're waiting for the light to change so you can cross. You're on the way back from an interview at the marina and you'd decided to drop by one of yours and Lena's favorite food trucks to grab you and her some lunch when Sam's call goes through.

J'onn had restored her memories soon after Crisis, after Alex had made very good points about how after the adversities you'd all faced surrounding Reign and her Kryptonian ties and what with Lex Luthor out, she and Ruby would be best kept safe by the knowledge of the complete truth of the past. And while Ruby, only fifteen, isn't made aware that her Aunt Lena's philanthropic king of a brother is an actual psychopathic xenophonic megalomaniac, it's enough that her mother does and can keep them far from his reach.

"Better." Sam answers. You hear cupboards opening and shutting and the sound of perhaps a percolator in the background. "She's had one beer a night, just one, goes jogging in the mornings, runs drills with Ruby in the afternoons, they make dinner. They've got a pretty good routine down. How about our girl there?"

"She's... Amazing." You reply, unable to stop the wide smile that always comes when thinking about Lena. 

Sam laughs on the other end. "Yeah, I know. But I mean how's she doing?"

You blush, grateful that Sam is in a whole different coast from you and can't see your face flame in embarrassment at how love-struck you constantly feel even by just the thought of Lena.

"She's good. She's tough." You say. Short. Keep it short so you don't ramble and embarrass yourself further.

"That she is. She staying safe?"

You groan. "Her brother is a real... Piece of work, you know? Dropped by her office a couple of days ago after the stunt he pulled on her projects a couple of months ago."

"You know, you're an adult, you can say asshole."

You think about it before allowing some of the anger you feel color your response. "He's such a jerk." 

She laughs again. "Not all hope is lost. We'll get you up to _ass_ in no time. I heard Maggie cuffed her to a chair?"

"Yeah,” You sigh, “last week. This week it was rope. She's running Lena ragged."

You _do not,_ absolutely _do not,_ appreciate the scratches and bruises their training sessions are leaving on Lena. It's not that you don't appreciate Maggie's concern and effort, or even Lena's willingness to let herself be trained. If anything, it shows how seriously she's taking this thing with her brother, and you're grateful for that, really. You know you can't protect her at all times, though you're certainly going to try, and you certainly want Lena prepared and as well-equipped for any eventualities, but still, you can't help the anxiety and pain you yourself feel at any reminder of threats to Lena' s safety and her discomfort.

You're doing better, you are. _Really._ You're hardly caught unawares now by sudden world shattering fear. Most of your fears have abated under Lena's constant love and light, her strength and bravery. But there are still moments when you just can't wait for all of it to be over.

Lena safe is your most basic need, up there along with air, water, sunlight. Rao, that makes you sound like a plant. But even sleep isn't on there. You can be a zombie doped up on caffeine. There doesn't even need to be food either, though heck, of course it's more than welcome. But Lena safe... Yes. You'd give up your powers if it meant her safety. You'd give up all your abilities if it were the price for her life.

But it's not. Your powers and your life aren't being asked for in exchange for hers. It would be so much easier if it were. But the universe doesn't work that way. Megalomaniac psychopaths don't work that way.

"Have you two told Alex about Maggie? How she's helping Lena?"

"I don't really think it's my place to say anything about that, Sam." You say carefully. "I'm still not sure what Lena was thinking when she reached out to Maggie... Not that I'm not glad for it. I am. I really really am. She's great. I'd forgotten how smart and tough she was. She's so brave and loyal. And she loves Lena, you know? She's a really great person to have in your corner and I'm so glad she is."

"I know..." Sam replies. "I didn't get to spend a lot of time with her but she really did seem great. And Lena's only ever had wonderful things to say about her even considering the fact that she arrested her once."

"Yeah..." You say ruefully. "That was not a good day."

"I imagine it was as difficult for you as it was for her."

"Not possible." You dismiss quickly. "They put her in _jail!_ I think I was irrationally mad about that for a while."

"Exactly." Sam chuckles as if it makes perfect sense, though it doesn't to you. "But I think it had to do with not giving up on family... Lena reaching out I mean. And Alex. You know how she talks about Maggie."

And yes, yes you do. You hadn't for a while, Alex hadn't talked to you about it and you'd understood. There's always something about your telling Alex, her telling you, that meant you had to face whatever problems there were head on. And though you do always have each other's backs, always there to support and comfort and listen and just be, there's also always been the unspoken pact of _"we break now but we get back up"_ you and she have. And you know Alex hadn't wanted to. Alex hadn't wanted to for a long time and you'd had to respect that.

Lena hasn't been telling you what Alex has been saying, but it didn't take a genius to figure out it had to do with Maggie when she so suddenly just reached out. You'd been worried, of course, not just about Alex, but about Maggie. She'd always been a bit of a wild card, you hadn't really been able to spend a lot of time with her in the past, and even now, but what you did see and know of her, you certainly respected.

And so you'd worried- about what your sister was going through, about what it meant for her and Kelly. Because you know chemistry and passion was never really the problem between Alex and Maggie, and it's hard to walk away from something that was all-encompassing and then have it just all come crashing down. Back then, you'd been of the opinion that your sister should have everything she wants because she deserves it. You love your sister, wholly, completely, absolutely. And she's always going to deserve the best. And perhaps, that just wasn't Maggie. Not if she couldn't make _all_ of Alex's dreams come true. Because your sister deserves that, she does.

"Yeah..." You answer, sighing. "I think this will all just blow up in our faces. I don't think Lena actually understands what it all means. Kelly's out here all alone and we're also all she has. If she and Alex fall out, everything's going to be crazy. And _that_ is not something we need right now."

"No." Sam agrees with a hum on the other end.

You suddenly feel emboldened to disclose more. Sam's calm and openness, her distance, maturity and intelligence, spurring you on. "I don't really know what they're doing." You continue, honestly if a bit sheepishly. You're not sure you should say the things you're thinking out loud. "I'm worried about what will happen to Kelly. You haven't met Nia and Brainy yet, but they just broke up a few months ago. And it was _awful._ Brainy's from the future and Nia's just lost her mom and her sister has virtually cut her out because she's got abilities and her sister doesn't, and it's just awful trying to keep everything together. It's just started to get better on that front and now Alex and Kelly... And then you add Maggie to the mix. Can you imagine? It'd be like a constant stab through the heart for everyone involved."

"Whoa, okay... I've sure missed a lot." Sam breathes.

You continue, your anxiety bubbling to the surface. "And what's going to happen? Alex and Kelly will break up and still be good friends? Maggie comes back for game nights and she and Alex get back together and Kelly finds someone else in the next few months and everyone just becomes family and lives happily ever after? It's insane, Sam. This is all insane. That's _not_ going to happen."

"Did you want Lena to not have reached out to Maggie?"

"What? No! We never should've had to do that anyway. We never should have let Maggie go just like that. That's not what family does, and she was. She _is_ family."

"Did you want Alex to have never said anything? Did you want her to keep it all bottled up, keep lying and pretending even to herself?"

"No! Sam, that's not what I mean." You say almost desperately. "I love Alex, it's not... It's not her fault. It's just the way it is. And she shouldn't have to..."

"But that's kind of what you're saying... Love and relationships are complicated, Kara." Sam says firmly.

"I _know_ that." You respond, voice rising enough that you catch the attention of some of the people around you and you fight to keep yourself in control. "They loved each other, Sam. I saw that, I lived that. I saw and felt how much they loved each other, how _happy_ they made each other. And I thought that was it, you know. I thought, that that kind of love, that kind of relationship, that's what I want. It's everything love stories are made of. And then it wasn't. And they let each other go. "

"Are you..." Sam begins then stops, hesitant. "Are you _angry_ they let each other go?"

And you stop right in the middle of the boardwalk, looking up at the sky, phone pressed to your ear. "I could never let go of Lena." You say softly, your heart clenching painfully in your chest at the thought. "I know they loved each other. I know. I _know._ I _do._ But it wasn't enough then. It just wasn't. And what makes it enough now?"

"Kara..."

"I couldn't let her go if I wanted to, Sam." You say again. "And I don't want to. But even if I did, I couldn't do it. Lena is... Lena... I just... I _couldn't._ I don't need anything like I need her. I don't want anything the way I want her. There's nothing before her. She's first, and she's my only... I don't... I don't _want_ anything, I don't _need_ anything, if I don't have her too. I don't want a future without her. I don't need _children_ or the _freedom_ that comes without having them without her. Fuck, Sam. I don't need another _day_ if it's without her."

You breathe deeply, your eyes misting with tears and you brush them away, forging ahead. "Do you know how terrifying it is to not want a future without someone? To know such true happiness that everything else pales in comparison? I’ve lived before, and I’ve loved before. And I knew what happiness was. But Lena… _Nothing_ compares to how Lena makes me feel. And why would I ever choose to be without that? Why would I ever choose to be without her?”

"It's beautiful, Kara. Your love is beautiful. But you've also been through so much, so much more than regular people go through in one lifetime. You've dealt with loss and grief and pain, and your love is the way it is because of all you've had to go through, all you've experienced." She responds soothingly. "I know how Lena loves you, Kara. And it works for you and it works for her. I think... I think your love is precisely what Lena needs. The things she's gone through too, it's not normal."

"I used to hate being here." You say, your voice rough and emotional. "I used to feel so betrayed by my parents. On an intellectual level I understood why they did it. I should have been grateful, and I was. Of course I was, but it's been so difficult. I don't know what I would've done without Alex. But I've been such a burden to her too. I've kept her from so much and I can't change the past. I didn't choose to come here, to be left with them. And I'm grateful. I'm so so grateful it was them because they loved me and accepted me and I love them so much. _So so much,_ Sam. But inside, I couldn't understand why I had to be here. They didn't have to ever know me. They didn't need me. They would have been safer and better off without me... But I didn't really have a choice in the matter. I was here and I was with them and I got _lucky._ But it never felt necessary. It didn't make sense. I kept looking for it, trying to make sense of it. I clung to _Supergirl,_ because why else is a Kryptonian here if not to save Earth? What am I for? How do I make up for all the pain and heartache I caused the Danvers, tearing them apart just by entering their lives and existing?”

"Kara, you know that's not what they think. You know they love you." Sam protests.

"I know. Because they're _good._ They're good, amazing people, and I'm so so lucky." You agree. "But they didn't need me, and Kal didn't need me, and I could've just... I could've just never made it here and that would have been okay."

Your heart is pounding in your chest, and it's the thought of Lena that helps you calm. Always Lena. Always. "And then I met Lena." You tell her, your tone more wistful at the memory than emotional from your previous rememberings. "And I thought... To feel that love. Maybe the universe didn't hate me. Maybe it wasn't all just pain and trying to do good and be worthy of just this amazing life everyone seems to have just conspired and sacrificed to give me. I had something for me. A reason to be here. A reason for me, just me, not for a planet or the world, not a multiverse or the universe. And now... I have her. It makes sense. I had to be here because she's here. I had to find her. And I have. And I'll always, always find her."

"That's a beautiful love, Kara." Sam says again. "You're lucky to have and love each other. But there are many different kinds of love. And one isn't less than the other."

"I'm not saying it is." You say, anxious to clarify. "I don’t want Alex to going get hurt again. She’s _already_ hurting again and it’s worse than before. And Maggie… Sam, Maggie’s just going to hurt again too. And what will it all be for? Have things really changed? Alex wants children and Maggie doesn't. Their love wasn't enough then, what makes it enough now?"

Because you've seen it in Maggie's eyes, the love and longing, in your brief calculated mentions of your sister. You'd seen Alex break, finally finally, choking, gasping, sputtering as she'd finally broken under the pretense and lies she'd buried herself under.

"I don't know, Kara. I don't." Sam replies, voice still soft and soothing. "But this world keeps almost ending. No, our world _did_ end, we all died and now we've all been brought to this Earth we've got to now share with everyone who didn't even exist in the same plane before. Don't you think they at least deserve a chance to figure it out? If Lena hadn't loved you back, Kara, would it still have been worth it to be here and love her?"

Your heart aches. It aches and aches and aches. Because Lena's love... It's extraordinary. It's beautiful and wondrous, breathtaking and staggering. And it would be excruciating to ever be without it.

But yes. "Yes." You tell her because it's true. You don't want to have never known what it's like to love Lena Luthor.


	26. Apologia

You never do actually make it to Luthor Corp for the surprise lunch you'd planned to spring on Lena. A Supergirl emergency takes you away from even your conversation with Sam and though you do power through the rest of the afternoon both as Supergirl and Kara Danvers, the journalist, you feel completely fatigued and desolate when you finally make it home that night.

You've been a lot of different people over the years. You were Kara Zor-El on Krypton, the proud daughter of the house of El, destined to follow in your parents' footsteps; then you were a refugee from a ravished and dying planet sent away to survive and care for your infant cousin; for over two decades you were a child lost in the phantom zone; an orphan in a new planet that endowed you with god-like abilities; a Danvers, a sister; an assistant, Supergirl, a reporter, a journalist. You're Kara Danvers, Kara Zor-El, Supergirl. You're so many things, so many roles, so many people. There are so many expectations, different and various standards and responsibilities for each one, and it's utterly exhausting.

It's past ten o'clock when you get home and the apartment is dark when you arrive. There's classical music playing, Lena's go-to when she's working and you take a few long minutes to watch her dimly illuminated form as she draws on her tablet.

It's one of your favorite things to do, watching Lena, but then again, there are very few things that aren't your favorite when it comes to her. You watch her bite her lip thoughtfully, her brow furrowing. Something draws her eyes to you and her mouth breaks into a smile when she sees you. Your heart beats and beats and beats.

"Kara what's wrong?" She says immediately, her brows furrowed again.

You shake your head and give her a small smile. It's simultaneously nothing and everything.

"Come here." She says firmly, placing her tablet on the bedside table as she reaches a hand out for you.

She pulls you in the moment you're within reach and you let the feel of her overtake your senses. You breathe in deeply, letting her scent wash over you, settle you, let it fill the cracks of desolation the day has dealt.

"I love you." She tells you, as she moves to straddle you and you kiss her cheek in response. You close your eyes and hold her close, letting the steady beating of her heart and the quiet of the night calm you.

"Lee," you begin, and her heart does that familiar skipping it does when you call her that and you press a kiss to her collarbone. There is truly nothing you do not love about her, it's absolutely insane how she makes you feel. "If I'd asked you out years ago, maybe soon after we met. Would you have gone out with me?"

Her face morphs into thoughtful and you trail kisses along her jaw as she thinks about her answer, when finally she speaks, she's a little breathless. "No... I don't think I would have."

Her answer stops you for a second, just a heartbeat, no more, because you know her, you love her and she loves you. You kiss her neck and her pulse races.

"No?"

"God, no." She affirms, voice rough. "Adorable, perfect, sunny, angelic Kara Danvers. I would never have risked tainting you with the Luthor name. It was one thing to be your friend, let you show the world how L-Corp could be a force for good. But _date_ you? _Date_ that Kara Danvers? The masses would have torn her apart."

"I was tougher than that. Even then."

She gives a small laugh. "You were. You are. But darling, you should have seen you... You were like an _angel_ on loan from the heavens."

"I wasted so much time." You tell her. "I should have told you sooner."

"About Supergirl?" She chuckles darkly and your hold on her tightens involuntarily. "I would have been afraid to go out with Supergirl even more. Back then, a Luthor with a Super... With Lex running around in the shadows. He'd have tried harder to kill you."

"He'd have _tried,_ Lena. And he did even without us being together back then." You say firmly. "But if we had been, I'd have come back to you."

"I'd have been terrified, darling." She confesses, voice soft. "I loved you so much, _even then._ " Her lips quirk upwards slightly as she uses your very words. "The way I felt about you... I never would have risked you."

"So now's the perfect time?" You ask, pushing her into the mattress, your thumb caressing the skin of her stomach and pulling her sleep shirt off of her. "After I'd lied to you about Supergirl for years and your brother is actually out and playing at being a saint."

" _King,_ Kara." She corrects, breath hitching as your fingers caress her rib, just below her breast, her own thumb brushing your cheek. "Lex could never play at being a saint. He's far too self-centered. He's playing at being a benevolent king. He's at least learned it's easier to move out in the light, easier to get away with evil when you're loved rather than feared."

"And you?" You kiss the side of her mouth, and then move up to her neck again, trailing featherlight kisses until you reach her earlobes giving it a light nip.

"Me?" She beathes out, voice rough, and her hands fist at your waist. "I'm yours."

"I can be better, Lena." You tell her, looking into her eyes. "I'll be better. I'll learn to share."

She pants, pulling you against her as her fingers trace tantalizing circles on your hip through your dress. "I'm perfectly satisfied being yours, darling. I don't need to be a saint, king, queen, savior. I don't need to be anyone else's anything."

"I don't think it's supposed to be like that, Lee." You tell her sadly, the ache in your chest swelling.

"No?" She says with a raise of her eyebrow. It's a silent and firm challenge and you swear you feel the air begin to crackle. And yes, you have super-speed and super-senses, but she flips you so quickly, so smoothly, so seamlessly, you think she might too. "Says who?"

"The whole world, I think." She's dragging the zipper of your dress down, her nails lightly but purposefully scratching against your skin and a moan escapes you.

There's a satisfied smirk on her lips as she drags the dress over your head, pushing it off the bed and onto the floor, her hands finding purchase at your waist, caressing your hipbone before she speaks again. "I think we give this world enough of us, don't you, darling? We do more for this world than 90% of its population will ever do in their lifetime. This world is filled with people, both good and bad, just trying their damned hardest to live their lives as best as they can. You stop the bad, and we try to give the good a place to live and be happy. I don't think the world gets to tell us what should and shouldn't be."

She lowers her head and presses a kiss to your hipbone and the heat from her mouth makes you tremble under her. You want to forget everything that's happened in the past few weeks, everything you've said and realized earlier today, everything you've been realizing from the very beginning but pushing down and denying. But you can't. Not tonight. And you don't want to anymore because it's Lena, she's Lena and she needs to know, she needs to see, you need to give her the chance to get out even if it'll shatter your very soul.

"It's not healthy, Lena. The way I love you. It's selfish and desperate. And it burns, it _burns_ to think about ever being without you. I think I broke somewhere along the line. I like to think I wasn't always this broken, that maybe if I'd just told you as soon as I felt it, as soon as I saw you, maybe I wasn't as broken then, maybe that me could've been better. Maybe that me could have brought you light."

Lena has long since stopped moving against you, her eyes almost glowing with a low soft fire, so deep and serious, her jaw clenched in almost anger, but she remains silent. You breathe for a few seconds, trying to keep yourself in check. You have more to say, she knows. You know she knows and she is silent. She gives a soft but heavy sigh, her hands running through your hair, to provide you a bit of comfort, you think, maybe, to ground you, help you continue perhaps.

"It's not healthy." You say again. "You should have a love wrapped in light. Not someone who's constantly afraid of losing you, who can't live without you. What kind of _toxic_ person even puts that on another person? That kind of pressure, that kind of burden. It would be maddening even for the strongest of people. Normal people have well-balanced, well-rounded, independent, healthy lives."

Her hands still, her eyes go dark, dark, dark, her whole body freezing. "Kara," she says firmly. "We are not them. We're not any of them. We will never _be_ them. You wear a cape a fly around the _world,_ not just the _city,_ Kara, you fly around the world, saving people. You fly out and save people at the first sign of danger, at all hours of the day and night. You leave your job, jeopardizing your career, because you're a _hero._ You leave our home, our bed, to keep families safe and whole. And Kara, how are they going to be happy when they're not whole? We both know the sort of trauma caused by loss and grief. And every day you keep people from that fate. You don't just save their individual lives, darling. You save the lives of everyone who loves them. You save them from years and decades, a whole lifetime, of grief and loss. As long as their loved ones are alive, there's hope. There's hope and love and a life worth living. That's what you give them."

She's pulling you up, making you sit across from her and you try to keep distance between you two but you can't bear it. It's crazy but you can't, you have her still and you don't want to waste your chance, your moment, any of the minutes she lets you have her. So you give in, pulling her into your lap and she's quick to acquiesce, her legs and her arms encircling you.

"You're not normal." She breathes into you. "And I love you for who you are, _everything_ you are. I have never asked you to be normal and I never will. You love _me_ and I'm not normal, Kara. And I'm human. This is actually my planet and I still don't quite fit. I think I had it once, with my mother, for a time. I think I _must have_ fit with her. But with the Luthor's... In a sense I did, on an intellectual level. But there wasn't warmth. It was always a game, a tug of sorts, a search, a move, a set. It was an acquisition, an ownership. It was all duels and manipulations. A constant fight to be better and stronger, to get to the top and be untouchable. And I _never_ wanted that. It's something that's been drilled into me since I was four. _Four._ Now, who does _that?_ I'm not normal, Kara. I'm the bastard daughter of who once was richest man on the planet before his death, the stepdaughter of a woman who has funded and worked with a terrorist agency to exterminate innocent alien populations, the sister of a psychopath who not only turned the sun red but managed to re-wire truth in the creation of this very universe. I may be of this earth but I'm not _normal._ "

Her eyes have turned soft and she's pressing a kiss to your mouth and you let her breathe life into you. You'd do everything over just to have this moment with her again. Everything.

"I am not normal." She says again when she breaks away from you. "And _you_ are not normal. And you are most certainly not _toxic._ Your _love_ is not toxic. _Our_ love is not toxic. It's not normal but it's not unhealthy or bad. No one who hasn't been through what you have, what we have, gets to say what our love should and shouldn't be like. Do you know what characterizes a good relationship, darling?"

You don't say anything, but you kiss her lips, her cheek, her neck. "Yes." She breathes as you press a kiss to her breast. " _Love._ A good, healthy relationship is characterized by love. It's ruled by mutual respect, trust, honesty, passion, and _love._ And Kara, no one has ever loved me the way you do. And I've never loved anyone the way I love you. _You_ fill me with light, each and every _heartbeat_ of every day, even when there's much of this world to fear, even when there's so much uncertainty and danger and pain. _You fill me with light._ And you make me so _happy._ The _world_ doesn't get to tell us how to love, how to live, how to _be._ "

Tears escape your eyes and she wipes them away, cradling your face tenderly in her hands. "You are the strongest person I know, Kara. As Kara Danvers, as Supergirl, as Kara Zor-El, as all of them, as _you._ You can break, darling, it's okay. I've got you, I promise, I've got you. I will be here when you need me to be, when you want me to be, and I will _never ever_ let you go. You will never lose me. I will never let anyone take me from you. I am yours. Yours forever. You do not have to learn to _share_ me, I've given myself to you, I've chosen _you,_ and nothing will ever change that. I am _yours._ Just yours."

"Are you _sure,_ Lena?" The question barely makes it past your lips before your chest is swelling and burning with the possibility of cold emptiness without her.

"Yours." She repeats. "I will always find my way back to you. When this world is steeped in chaos and we have to fight, know that I will always find my way back to you. You will never lose me."

"No," You clutch her tightly to you, feeling yourself break a little at the thought. "No, Lena, no. I can't... I can't... No."

She kisses your temple and pulls away to look into your eyes and they're soft, so very soft that it makes your whole being ache. You can't lose her. You can't. "It will happen. And it's okay to be afraid, darling. It's okay. I'm scared too. I'm fucking terrified, Kara. But it will happen and I need you to know you will not _lose_ me. You will _never_ lose me."

"I won't let you go." You say, panic bubbling in your chest once again. You're trying so hard but it's a dangerous world. It's a very very dangerous world with her brother in it and you know as she does that he'll fight to take her. But she's not his to take. She's yours. She's _sworn_ and _promised_ and vowed she's yours.

"But if you have to... Know that I'll make my way back to you. You and me, love. We're forever. Whatever breaks there may be in between."

"Please, Lena, no." Your body starts to tremble and she rubs your back trying to soothe you. "Anything. Anything but have to lose you. I can't. Not that. Anything but that."

"You can." She says firmly, her eyes still soft, gentle, a sea of deep beautiful green. " _We can._ We'll figure it out. We'll work on it. We'll do it together."

"Lena..." You breathe. “I…”

“You can,” she says again, her hands on either side of your face. “Breathe with me, Kara. Breathe with me, love.”

You do. You do because you trust her. You do because she’s right. You do because if there’s anyone that can make you brave, it’s her. You do because you _are._

"You’re okay..." she says, kissing your temple. ”You’re okay. We'll be ready for all sorts of possibilities. Together. "

“I’ve already done it without you before, Lena. I did that. I lived that. But I don’t _want_ to do it without you anymore. Why does it have to be that?”

“It doesn’t _have_ to be. We just need to be ready for everything. And I _want_ you to know you’ll never lose me. Whatever happens, that’s one that’s _not ever_ going to. Whatever _he_ does, whatever _anyone_ tries to do. They’ll never manage to do that. We will always find our way back to each other.”

You weave your hands into her hair and pull her into you, your lips hot and demanding against hers. She tastes faintly of cinnamon and mint, reminding you of apple pies and home home home, her mouth yielding to yours, letting you claim every inch of her. Your soul expands, positively floats at the trust and love she gives and you fall deeper, deeper, deeper.

"I love you." You tell her when you pull away. "With everything I am. The good, the bad, the gray, the crazy, the stupid, the strong and brave and confused and terrified. The rational and irrational, in chaos and order, in mirth and desperate desolation. I love you."

"And I love _you._ " she tells you simply, softly.

“I can be strong.” You tell her. “I can be brave.”

“You are. You _already_ are. Just because you are afraid doesn’t mean you’re not. We will rise now as we always have. We will conquer our fears and live in the world with light.”

You hold her in your arms for many long minutes, the weight of the day finally leaving you with the deepening heaviness of the night. Lena is quiet in your arms, placing light kisses along your jaw, your neck, your temple, your hair.

You love her. Truly. Wholly. Completely. Irrefutably. Indubitably. Irrevocably. Incontrovertibly. You love Lena Luthor. Now and forever.

You think about the sheer gift holding her in your arms is, the beauty of life at coming home to her safe and comfortable and at peace in your bed. A gift. A blessing. From the suns, the stars, the galaxy. Lena, a gift. A gift of the most beautiful soul. You are full and grateful to share in her light, her passions, her life and love.

And you’ll be strong. You’ll be strong. Whatever happens you will always find your ways back to each other. She’s promised. You’ll promise too. Strong. Strong. Strong. 

You’ll focus on her. You’ll focus on love. You’ll focus on light.

You're brought out of your musings by the firm kiss she presses to your lips.

"You know what else characterizes a healthy loving relationship?" She asks with a wry smile.

"Mind-blowing sex?"

Her laughter is glorious and you watch even the heaviness of the night flow out and be replaced by light. You _can_ fill her with light. _You do fill her with light._

"Well, _yes,_ of course, but I was going to say good communication, compromise and -"

You're suddenly struck by a thought. "Lena... Did you... _dabble_ in psychology?"

She turns bright red. "I..." She stutters, "It might have been one of the courses I minored in?"

Your mouth splits into a wide smile. " _One_ of? A _soft_ science? Lena Luthor?"

And she's hiding her face in your neck, still red, so beautifully flushed and ridiculously embarrassed instead of proud of yet another accomplishment.

"What about the _humanities?_ " You pry, you feel light. Light, light, light.

"No!" She groans.

"So if I say _jouissance_ and defenseless nudity, _esse, Dasein-_ "

"They would have disowned me." She mumbles into your neck.

You laugh and continue, " _Ecce Homo_ and _Zarathustra,_ the _Grundlegung zur Metaphysik der Sitten_ and the Critique of Pure Reason-"

"It was light reading, okay!" She interrupts again, lifting her head and pouting at you.

" _Light_ reading!"

"You are aware of what my IQ is, darling."

"Please at least tell me you didn't actually read it in German." Her response is a light chuckle, her eyes sparkling.

"Leeena..."

"I didn't read it in German, I promise."

She's biting her lip, face flushed, slightly embarrassed but happy. Very very happy. You kiss her then, surging towards her and laying her flat on the mattress, your body flush against her. "You are the most amazing woman I have ever met, Lena Luthor." You tell her hotly. "And I will do everything in my power to make you happy every day of our forever."


	27. Danvers Sisters

It takes flying out East, having a major blow-out with your sister and threatening to fly her back into National City yourself before she actually agrees to come back home.

It had been difficult and painful and you're not at all proud of the things you'd said. The memory of it still makes you shiver, guilt still mostly eating at you.

You and Lena had had Kelly over for dinner and though you had only talked about Alex in passing, you could see the effects of the separation and lack of clarity on their relationship take its toll on her. You love your sister, you do, and you'll support her whatever decision she makes, but as her sister, it's also your right and responsibility to kick her ass in gear and set her straight when she's potentially screwing up her life and hurting people she cares about. Because you know, despite her confusion over the whole affair, despite the lack of depth of her love for Kelly, she does love and care about her.

So you'd flown out early the next morning, before even Lena was up, surprising your sister during her insanely early morning run. You should have known better, really, should have picked up coffee or donuts at least, but your mind's been reeling from the weeks she's been gone and you'd just seen Kelly the night before.

Alex actually looking unhappy to see you should have been a tip-off and if you'd stopped to think you'd have seen and understood and perhaps tried a different tack, but Alex calls it your annoying snooty little sister persona, and it has its own name and everything for a reason.

You wish you could say it had started out fine, but that would be a lie. The second she'd laid eyes on you, she'd frozen. And when you'd stepped forward to say hello, she'd held up her hands to keep you away, eyes wide, actually saying "No, Kara." And the utter ridiculousness of the whole situation had made you boil over. 

Alex is better than that. Your sister is so much better than hurting the woman she'd claimed to love even with all her very present and pressing confusion. And you're not proud of what you'd said, utterly ashamed really, but you'd said it and there was no taking it back.

“Stop acting like a selfish child and come back home!”

“Leave, Kara.” She’d said, with a shake of her head. 

“No, stop it! You don’t love Maggie! I know you don’t. If you did you never would have let her go. But you _did_ because you _didn’t._ You wanted _children,_ not _Maggie._ And that’s fine. That’s perfectly fine, Alex. But don’t go screwing up Kelly’s life because you’re comparing her to someone you didn’t love enough either. Suck it up and face the truth.”  
And oh you’d wanted to take it back, take all of it back even before the very words had left your mouth, but you couldn’t. And Alex’s face. Her eyes. She’d actually literally crumpled on the sidewalk and you’d had to super-speed to catch her. She’d trembled in your arms and you’d apologized for a whole three minutes, chanting “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” the whole time, feeling like the crappiest, most ungrateful little sister in all the galaxy. 

When she’d stopped trembling in your arms, you’d pulled her to her feet, tucking your arm into hers, dragging her in the almost blistering cold of the still mostly asleep city. You hadn’t really known where you were going, not quite familiar with Sam’s area of the city, but you had heard waves and gulls in the distance and tried to lead your sister there, letting your senses show you the way. You were relieved when you found yourself on some sort of boardwalk, reminiscent of a place in National City where you two like to go for walks on random afternoons. You had hoped it was a sign, hoped it would provide some sort of normalcy in the chaotic and undetermined circumstances.

“I’m sorry, Alex.” You had told her softly, barely able to meet her gaze. “I didn’t mean it.”

“Yes, you did.” She’d snorted, eyes still red but fierce, no longer close to breaking. 

“But I _am_ sorry.”

“I know.” She’d torn her gaze from you and looked out onto the ocean. “I still don’t know what to do. I’m not worried about me, not right now. I mean… yeah, I’m feeling all melodramatic wondering if I’ll be alone forever because Maggie… _Shit, Kara._ I really really fucking loved Maggie. And I did let her go. How could I do that? What made me think it was okay to do that? But no. No. Not right now. I promised Kelly… I promised Kelly, Kara.”

“You promised Maggie too.” And yeah, it had made you feel even more of a little shit, the absolute worst person just ever. But it was true. She had.

“So it’s just okay to keep breaking my promises?”

“No! But it’s okay to make mistakes. And maybe you stop making promises until you’re sure… But Alex… You and Kelly both deserve better. And if you’re not worried about yourself right now, if you don’t want to think about what’s good for you or what you deserve, and you deserve the world. You do, Alex, I know you don’t feel like it right now, but _trust me, believe me_ when I say, _I promise you do!_ You deserve the world. And I’ll tell you that everyday until you’re willing to listen, until you start to believe it again, until you _do_ believe it again, and even every day after, any and every time you need me to, I’ll tell you. But if you can’t bring yourself to think it now, if you can’t believe it now, think about _Kelly._ If you hold on to her… you’re the one who’s going to keep her from someone who could love her the way you can’t. And I know you’ll try and you’ll be amazing at it, and she’ll be lucky to have you, but it won’t be _real,_ Alex. And at some point in the future everything will fall apart and you’ll both hurt so much more than you’re hurting now.”

“But can’t I try?” She’d asked.

“Try to love her more?” And you were confused because your sister was supposed to be the smart one. “If you were capable of that you wouldn’t be all the way across the country trying to avoid it.”

“Maybe I’ve just been getting ready.”

“You’re not going into battle, Alex.” You’d sighed and taken her hands in yours, rubbing them when you’d noticed how cold they were. “And the way you feel, it’s not fair to either of you. You deserve someone who’ll make you feel… shit, Alex, Maggie? Really?”

She’d laughed and some of your guilt ebbed away at the sound. You’re still being the worst little sister in the world but Alex is the _best big sister_ in the galaxy and doesn’t seem to mind. Some days you’re really not sure what you did to deserve Alex Danvers. 

“You’ve got some really screwed up ideas about love, you know.” She’d said squeezing your hand. “You’re lucky you found Lena or I’d probably be kicking a whole host of your significant others’ asses the rest of our lives.”

“I think Sam wanted to tell me that… but she was too nice.” You admit sheepishly. “But Alex, really? Maggie? Are you sure?”

Alex had shrugged, unwilling to meet your gaze.

“I don’t understand how you could let her go… If you loved her, really loved her, why would you? I couldn’t let go of Lena, Alex. I just couldn’t.”

“You could if that’s what would be best.”

And it’s true. You could if it really is what would be best. Then and only then. But you’re not going to broadcast that fact to the universe, no no no. And you know Alex knows. Your sister knows so much of what you can’t yet put into words. “But what would be the point? She’s what makes me happy. Why would I want to? It would be the craziest stupidest thing I could ever do.”

“And you were happy before too. Not like you are now, but it’s levels, Kara. It’s degrees of happiness and your whole life doesn’t stop making sense without Lena in it. You know that.”

And you do know. Of course you do. “But I’m so happy now. I’m so so happy. And everything is good and right… even when it isn’t. Because it really isn’t, Alex. _Lex Luthor is good in this world._ So how is this world even close to okay? But it is because in this world I have Lena.”

Alex had sighed deeply, looking away, eyes on the horizon before speaking. “I let go of Maggie because I didn’t want to find myself _lost_ in five years, wanting a family I can’t have. I didn’t let her go because I didn’t love her enough. I let her go because I knew she loved me, and I didn’t want her to be forced or feel obligated to change her whole world, all her goals and plans and dreams just for me. We let go of each other because we loved each other enough to. You and Lena are different, Kara. You can’t compare the two. I know this whole love thing is confusing and difficult and that’s okay. You’re so young, Kara. We’re young and we don’t have to have it all figured out.”

“I don’t do well with change.” You’d reminded her, voice soft. It’s not exactly something you’re proud of, your resistance to change. You’ve changed, you know you have, but sometimes it doesn’t seem as though you’ve changed enough to just be able to take it all in stride. 

“I know. But look at the biggest bestest thing that’s just changed for you? Imagine if you were still hiding how you felt about her. Imagine another James in her life.”

“Alex… I don’t want to…”

“And that’s the beauty of it. _You don’t have to._ You never have to because things _changed_ and you got there with her. You’ve got her, Kara. And she’s got you.”

“And you don’t have Maggie…”

“I don’t.” She’d breathed out, the pain in her eyes undeniable. “And it’s so hard knowing how my life could have just ended a few months ago. How I could have not been here thinking this, feeling all of this. Knowing those children I wanted, I could have never gotten that chance to even _be_ a mother because what if all I had after Maggie was two more years? What if you couldn’t create this Earth and that was it? I could have spent those two years loving her, being with her.”

You’d squeezed her hands and lain your head on her shoulder as she steadfastly kept her eyes on the horizon. So yeah, you’re a horrible little sister. It’s not that you didn’t consider the implications of restoring people’s memories and having them know that for a while they actually ceased to exist. That their very being had for a time just stopped. That there was nothing. Nothing at all. Because you do know. You do remember. You did live it. And you’re a very very horrible little sister for not realizing that because your sister died too and she remembers and knows all she lost. She’s also way past due for her very own meltdown. It’s not like you hadn’t had your fair share. _You_ had re-evaluated _your_ life. You’d gone after _your_ girl. Why doesn’t your sister get to?

“You want to be with Maggie…”

“Yeah… but what if that just doesn’t happen? What if for Maggie that was it? And it’s driving me insane because the way I loved her hasn’t changed.” She’d told you sadly, “No… no, it has. It’s… I don’t know how it’s possible but it’s even more now. I wish I’d spent the last two years with her.”

“Couldn’t you have? Why did you have to stop being happy? Why did you have to give it up right then?”

“Because, _little sister,_ we don’t always know what we want and need immediately. We live and we experience and grow. We change and we grow, Kara, even when we don’t always want to, even when we don’t always mean to. We wake up one day and we realize how much we’re just no longer who we used to be. The way you fell in love with Lena when you first saw her—yes Kara, I know that was when it happened, you should have seen yourself when you told me about her—it’s not the same way you love her now. It’s deeper now, stronger. And that has _nothing_ to do with Crisis, the loss of the multiverse, and everyone dying and being brought back. It has to do with you and Lena letting yourself see and know and love each other. It’s every look, every touch, every smile, and feel of them. It’s every day, every night, every moment. Tell me you’re not in love with every single one of Lena’s looks. Tell me you don’t sometimes stay up just to watch her sleep, tell me you haven’t got her whole body mapped out in your mind—”

You’d opened your mouth to speak but she was quickly rambling, eyes wide, hands flying, “No I don’t mean that literally, don’t _actually_ tell me! But see? It’s falling in love with her every single day at every single moment you have her. And… how could I have ever let go of Maggie five, ten years into the future when I already loved her so much? So I _wish_ I’d been able to love her and be happy with her the past two years, but I _was_ happy, Kara. With you, with everyone. And it’s an empty wish not only because I can’t change the past but because it doesn’t change the fact that we’ll have had to let go of each other sometime in the future anyway. You walked away from how you felt about Lena in the beginning. You don’t like being reminded of it, but you did it. You became friends and buried everything else deep down. Can you imagine doing that now? Three years of friendship in, an insane few months of regret, anger and pain, and now, forgiveness and love, the love you’ve both denied for so long, how much harder would it be to let go of her now?”

“Unimaginable.” You breathe out.

“Unimaginable.” She echoes. “It’s unimaginable. And yet I’m there. I’m already living some of that.”

And you’re quiet, the both of you, letting the weight of her words, your realizations settle. 

“Why would you want to keep trying with Kelly then? Why would you think to do that?”

“’Cause I _promised,_ Kara. And I already broke my promises to Maggie. I don’t wanna become that person.”

“You don’t wanna become somebody who breaks their promises so… you’d rather be somebody who just hides and denies their feelings? Isn’t that what you already did when you thought you were straight? Aren’t we over that?”

“Didn’t I tell you Lena is fully capable of taking care of herself and you need to stop having panic attacks at the thought of her in danger?” She’d shot back. “Aren’t we over _that_?”

“That’s unkind, Alex!”

“You are a lovely lovely human being, nay, _Kryptonian,_ Kara. But you are not the universe’s gift to this world. This world is the universe’s gift to you because Lena and I and all the rest of your friends and family are here. So let’s make a deal. You stop freaking out about Lena dying, trust her to know what’s best and how to handle herself and I’ll suck it up and stop thinking I’m the universe’s gift to Kelly.”

“She didn’t even move here for _you,_ Alex.” You’d grumbled. “She moved here for Andrea and Obsidian.”

“Eww, Kara. Did you just…”

And how your eyes had widened. “No, Alex. No!” 

She’d laughed, finally, and you’d felt lighter than you have since Thanksgiving. Lena’s okay. Alex is okay. The world’s somewhat okay. You’re okay. Everything is okay.

“It’s not that easy, you know?” You’d said, your voice soft.

“I know…” She’d wrapped her arm around you, pulling you close to her side and you’d laid your head on her shoulder. “Why do you think I’m still here? But I know you can. You know why?”

And you’d looked at her as you had so often when you were younger, waiting for your big sister to help you uncover the secrets of the world. “Why?”

“Because we’re strong and brave, we’ve got each other, and now you have Lena too. Now _we_ have Lena too. And I know it’s hard right now, and it has been for a while. But it’s okay. You don’t have to protect this world alone. We’ve got loads of people to help us protect it now.”

“What if we lose it again, Alex? What if I lose you again, what if I lose Lena again?”

“You do remember your girlfriend evacuated billions of people with her genius don’t you? Your girl’s a bad-ass, Kara. We’re not going down without a fight.”

“But what if we lose?” And you’d been so afraid but she’s your sister and you trust her.

“But what if we _win_? We always fight, and we always win. Do you trust me? Do you trust Lena? Do you trust yourself? We’re going to win, Kara. Each and every time, we’re going to win. We’re not going to give up, not ever, for as long as we fight, we can win.”

“Promise?” And she’d looked at you like she so often did when painstakingly explaining to you the things that bewildered you about this planet. “I do. We’ll make sure we win every fight and get all the chances to kiss all the girls we want to kiss.”

“Are you going after her?”

And she’d frozen once again, eyes wide, “I don’t think that’s in the cards right now, Kar.”

“But we should kiss all the girls we want to kiss, remember?”

“I don’t think Lena would be amenable to that.”

“Lena’s the only girl I want to kiss.” You’d said, the thought of kissing Lena making your heart race. “But you’re deflecting, Alex. You don’t have to. I get it now.” 

Alex had nodded but hadn’t answered, and you give her time, you give her space. You let it go. 

And sure, it had started out all sorts of horrible and now it’s mostly fine, in large part due to Alex, because if she’s willing to try, you’re willing to try too, and really, it’s the least you can do. For her, for Lena, for you. 

You're currently at the airport to pick her up, and you've zoned in on her, scanning the airport with your super-senses the moment you knew her plane had touched down, and you know she's about to walk through the doors any second. You shift on your feet, rising to the tips of your toes for a second, every bit the image of an excited younger sister with a small bouquet of 'Welcome home' flowers, also doubling as 'I'm sorry for yelling at you' flowers, tripling as 'You're the bravest person I know, you can do it' flowers. 

You'd dropped by Lena's office with a vase of tulips for her and when you'd enumerated what Alex's are for, she'd given you that concerned half smile she does and told you were _sweet_. And you know what _that_ means from Lena. It means _you're sweet but wrong_ , and that's further impressed upon you when she'd tried to give you an unopened bottle of expensive looking scotch to also give to Alex. Then you had refused, told her _she_ was _sweet,_ and the smile that broke out on her face, beautiful, glorious, and so happily caught, had made your heart race and race.

"She's gonna want it." Lena had called out to you before you'd left, after a 30-minute heated make-out session in lieu of lunch undoubtedly spurned by correctly guessing and knowing Lena's idiosyncrasies.

"Stop enabling her. She needs better coping mechanisms." You’d shot back before completely leaving the threshold of her office having to physically stop yourself from turning back to look at her because you know if you do, you'll be backing her into the wall again, and it's _not_ going to stop with just another make-out session.

You've missed your sister, and you're significantly less riled up about the whole situation. Both Alex and Lena have a way of putting everything into perspective and when you were no longer wallowing in your own fear that perhaps you're the one not loving the right way, and hell, loving Lena _is_ the right way, you're more able to be optimistic and hopeful. No, it won't be happily ever after immediately, yes, it will be tough, but Sam's right too, if you've gotten a chance with Lena in this reality, why shouldn't Alex and Maggie if they want it?

You see Alex bite back a smile when she sees you, clearly rolling her eyes at you, and you laugh as you run towards her, trapping her in a tight hug. "I see the distinct influence of being around a teenager for two weeks. Rao, Alex, please don't, you were a terror."

She ignores you. "Since when do you get me flowers?"

"Lena wanted me to bring you a bottle of scotch -"

"Where is it?" She interrupts, eyes brightening.

You fix her with a glare. "There'll be no scotch for the foreseeable future." You tell her firmly. "And these are for you! I got you these 'cause I'm sorry I ambushed you and yelled at you to come home. But you were gone a while, Alex! And it's almost Christmas! You must have missed me even just a _little_ bit?"

She rolls her eyes again, but wraps her arms around you, squeezing you tightly. "Of course I missed you. But Metropolis will have snow, you know. You and Lena and Mom could have come out for Christmas."

That stops you for a second and you're glad she's still hugging you and can't see your face. You school your features, you won't touch that right now. 

"Wanna have dinner with me and Lena tonight?" You ask her.

She gives a heavy sigh and shakes her head. "It's time." She says simply.

And all you can really do is pull her back in your arms, hoping your presence comforts her half as much as her presence comforts you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... unlike the Lena of this story, when I say you're sweet or nice or lovely, I do actually mean it. Just in case 🖤
> 
> These characters are not based on anyone other than the series characters themselves and my portrayal of them is simply what I think they'd be like under these specific set of circumstances, with, of course, a SuperCorp shipper lens.


	28. If we were three years ago

You've been trying to woo Lena ever since that night she'd said she wouldn't have gone out with you if you'd asked her the first time you'd met. You'd started with crafting and messaging her the silliest little poems you could think up, not at all serious, utterly hilarious in its lack of actual art and finesse but it’s got Lena laughing and Lena laughing is _always, always_ a good thing in your book. Then you'd moved on to single stems of roses in every available color, leaving them in her office, in your bathroom at home, inside the fridge, in her laptop bag. 

Tonight you're making French toast for dinner, marginally worried about your sister, exceedingly relieved that she's finally taking charge of the whole thing, and supremely excited at yet another of your ideas to show Lena Luthor the error of her ways.

You have a documentary on Cosmology and Consciousness on cue for when she gets home and you're putting the finishing touches to your little breakfast-for-dinner masterpiece when the familiar thrum of her heart fills your ears. You're happy, practically bouncing, literally floating on your feet. Her key goes into the lock and you can't help the wide grin on your face as you see her walk in.

"Kara?" She says, confused, the second the door is open, her eyes wide.

"Hi!" You're practically trilling in your excitement.

"What... What's all this?" She asks gesturing to the living room. You've built a pillow and blanket fort, _step three_ in getting Lena Luthor to change her mind about dating you. Well, past you. Does that make sense? Well, it does to you.

"A practice date, Lady Luthor." You tell her, literally bouncing now that you're no longer floating. "One practice date and you can't not change your mind about saying no to dating me three years ago."

She laughs at you, kicking her pumps off and placing her bags on the floor by the door. "You are incorrigible." She tells you, when she's made her way to you and thrown her arms around your neck. Your reaction is swift, immediate, instantaneous, pulling her even closer, you right hand at the small of her back, your left immediately tangling in her hair. She draws your face down towards her, pulling you in for a kiss but you stay rooted on the spot.

"Nope. No kissing tonight until you admit your mistake."

"No?" She asks, a perfect eyebrow raised in challenge. "I was so hoping we could continue what we started in the office earlier..."

And you're lifting her and sitting her on the counter, your mouth hot against hers as her legs wrap around you. She pulls away slightly, laughing lightly at you. Damn your body's reaction to her. She knows you far too well, so well it really is as though you've been doing this for a lifetime. It’s a thought that fills your heart with sheer contentment, and your head in a dreamy haze.

"You're ruining practice date night." You grumble, not at all put out as you're still firmly pressed against her.

She's laughing again, her thumb rubbing at your collarbone. "And what does this date entail, Ms. Danvers?"

" _Practice date,_ " you correct, "it's so you know what you would have turned down."

"Practice date then. Where do we begin?"

"Get inside the fort. I'll bring dinner over."

She twists to look at the living room. "Can I at least change first?"

"Naked would be preferable," you drawl, winking at her, "but if you must."

"You should know, Ms. Danvers, I _never_ put out on the first date, much less on a _practice date._ "

You flush, quite horribly, as she's still pressed up against you, her eyes dark and teasing. _Oh, to have had Lena Luthor for years._ It's the makings of paradise in reality. _Truly._

"You're a horrible tease, Lena Luthor." You say before claiming her mouth with yours. You kiss her until she has to pull away herself, panting, desperate for air. You are beyond satisfied when you see how much darker her eyes get, her body flushed.

You'll stop baiting her, you promise, you're on a mission tonight.

You place your plates on standing breakfast trays on the floor, taking great care not to crush the yellow rose petals you've scattered inside the fort before lighting a smattering of candles around the apartment and turning the lights off. Lena comes out of the bathroom not much later in a tank top and one of your pajama bottoms, hair in a messy bun, comfortable, safe and home.

The sight of her makes your heart race, valves pumping out a warm happy love throughout your body. Lena always fills you with light.

She gives a small gasp when you lead her to the fort and she sees up close what you've prepared and you think, it's the sort of comfortable surprise you want Lena's forever to be filled with, and you make a silent vow to give her exactly that.

She tries to grumble and protest your chosen form of media entertainment, but you _know_ her, and it's _your_ practice date and all too soon she's acquiescing and you watch her as her eyes light up, an excited smile on her face.

"It's so beautiful, Kara." She breathes out, more than once, clutching your hand against her chest, eyes glued to the screen. And yeah, it really is. _She_ really is.

You admittedly spend most of the night watching her and though she's mostly immersed in what's unfolding on screen, she does catch your gaze on her multiple times. When it finally ends she turns a playful gaze on you, and whispers. "Ask me again."

And oh how your heart races. You sit there lost in the moment, lost in her eyes, her presence, the calming, reassuring heat of her very being and you are silent. She seems to understand, she seems to always understand and she's pushing your trays away and sitting herself in your lap.

"Ask me again, Kar." She tells you, lips hovering over yours.

"If Kara Danvers three years ago had been brave enough to ask you out, she'd have bumbled through fancy restaurants, hole in the wall restaurants, all sorts of fusion ones, arcades, bowling alleys, carnivals. And I want all of that with you Lena. All of it. But I like all of this too. _Seeing you like this, having you like this…_ " You start. You kiss her cheek and the soft understanding in her eyes bolsters your soul. "I love you, and I want everything with you. I wish we hadn't missed out on the past, because right now, it seems so much simpler than this reality we've now got. You'd think it would be easier living in one Earth with lots more heroes, but it's really just upped the amount of destruction in one little world. We've all got our own villains to fight, our own lives and dreams we're all trying to protect, realize and just live to the fullest. And the days are hard and dangerous. Things that I'd never even thought were possible have happened. And for every day, for every moment that I get to spend with you, I'm so grateful and happy. Thank you for forgiving me for keeping everything a secret from you for so long. Thank you for believing me, for giving me another chance. Thank you for not giving up on us. Thank you for choosing me, for loving me, for letting me love you."

You pause when she presses a soft kiss to your lips. And you know how she feels. She's taking her moment, she's taking what she needs, what's hers. And it is, _you are._ This moment, this life, you, of course they're hers too.

"I'm so incredibly happy I didn't miss out. That _we_ didn't miss out. And it tears me apart to think that we could have, because I promise you, Lena. I have never ever been as happy as you make me. And I want this forever with you. But I don't know how long forever is. And I know you're worried and afraid, and I know you try not to say it, that you'd rather not tell me. And I _get_ it. I'm not sure what to make of this new world either. But in this new world, I have you. And I want you in all the worlds. So even when it's stupid, even when it's impossible, even when it doesn't, when it _can't_ matter _at all,_ I want you to know I want you in my life in all the realities. I want you to know I have always wanted you. That I have always loved you. Whatever happens I want you to know that."

"And if I had asked _you_ out?" she asks you, lips pressed close to your ear and you want to pull away, look into her eyes, see her face. But you don't. You tighten your hold on her and sigh. What if _she_ had asked _you_ out? Back when it was easier, simpler. Back when it was new, back when the losses weren't so great, back when your burdens were less. "Would you have let me try to sweep you off your feet?"

And you're going to choose to light. Because Lena too has chosen light. And there's been enough darkness in this world, in the old world, in all the worlds no longer in existence. So you choose light, and the possibilities are beautiful and endless and blinding. "I'd like to think I'd have been brave enough to say yes." You tell her. You'll choose _Light_ and _Truth._ Light and Truth. "I was swept off my feet the very moment I met you. I don’t think you ever had to do anything but _be._ ”

She pulls away and you finally look into her eyes, fiery and passionate. "That Lena would have taken you to dinners on yachts, nights in the desert to see the stars. That Lena would have wanted to book weekends at sea, weeks on the mountains, months in Adare, the Isle of Skye, Waterford, the Highlands, Galway, Killarney, Dunree and Aviemore. And I like to think we would have done it, darling. But I was who I was and you were who you were. And we're _still_ them but now we’re also _more._ You're still that Kara, and I'm still that Lena. And it's ridiculous if you really think I wouldn't have said yes to you then because darling... I gave you access to my office. I gave you access to me. You were the only one I've ever done that for."

“You bought CatCo…” You say with a wide smile on your lips.

She flushes and gapes at you for a moment before speaking. “That was a business decision!”

“It’s been two years,” you tell her as you give her lips a light kiss. “and you already made _550 million_ by selling it to Andrea. _And_ you already told me you bought it for me.”

“I did.” She sighs.

She’s still flushed and you laugh, kissing her again. Oh to kiss Lena Luthor for the rest of your lives. "And you filled my office with flowers." You remind her, smiling and sighing happily at the memory.

"I did." She agrees, a touch wistful. "I don't know if we'd have been mature enough to do this. I don't know how much easier or harder it would have been. We've had our own journeys to go through, truths we've had to uncover about others and ourselves. And I hate that you've lost so much. I wish I could change it. I wish there was something I could do about the past... But for right now, right now and the future are all I have power over. And I promise you, Kara, you have me now. I love you, and I know you love me. I know _how_ you love me. And it's enough. You are enough. Right now is enough. And everything we didn't have in the past, we'll make them a reality now."

"Even _bowling_?" You ask, teasing.

"Maybe _not_ bowling." She laughs. "God, I don't think I'd have managed to say no though in the past. The way you looked at me... I never wanted to say no and disappoint you."

"You wouldn't have." You tell her firmly. "It isn't in you. It just isn't."

She kisses you again and your heart feels incredibly full.

"We didn't lose us in the past, Kara. We built a friendship, an amazing, beautiful, friendship. And I've never been one for clichés, but best friends falling in love is certainly my favorite one."

"You defy the odds even when you don't mean to, Lena Luthor." You tell her lightly. "I fell for you the _moment_ I saw you, remember? That very moment."

And she laughs. "Have you forgotten the scathing article you wrote?"

"Pfft." You respond. "Denial and reaction formation."

"That's a highly debatable take on that, Ms. Danvers."

"We can debate it all you want, Ms. Luthor, as long as it's you and me."

"It is." She says, fervent, a clear promise. "It is and it always will be."

In the future, when you think of that night, you remember every little detail, every place Lena's mentioned, every activity she dreams up and agrees to, you remember the way her eyes sparkled as she watched footage of the cosmos unfolding before her eyes, you remember her appreciative moans at your French toast, you remember the weight and heat of her on you, her assurances and promises. But what you remember most is how gloriously she comes undone, cresting in rapture, practice and first dates forgotten, the world, the reality, the moment, perfect, whole and enough for the both of you.


	29. You and Her

It happens in Midvale. 

Christmas. 

At home and by the ocean. 

You, Kara, Alex and Nia drive out the day before Christmas eve to help Eliza prepare and it's nice and happy and comfortable. It’s Alex bemoaning yours and Kara’s shared taste of 90’s to 2000’s pop, Nia taking great pleasure in wholesome playful sisterly banter and belting out song after song with Kara much to your delight and Alex’s mortification. It’s the wind through the windows, the sound of waves crashing in the distance, the smell of salt and sea and sun. 

It’s Kara partially super-speeding decorating the tree and floating you up to place the star on top. It’s Kara kissing you up there, and planting mistletoe absolutely _everywhere_ and pulling you under _every single one_ and demanding a kiss _every single time._ _At multiple times and throughout the days._ And it’s wonderful. Her joy, her excitement. The safety, security and contentment brought by family. 

It’s Eliza’s warm hugs and gentle smiles, the kisses on your temple, your forehead, your hair, as though she’s making up for all the Christmases you weren’t there. 

It’s a sugar cookies bake-off, Christmas angels and Christmas trees, snowmen, sleds, stars, candy canes and snowflakes. It’s icing on your nose and flour in your hair, and Kara’s sweet sweet kisses on your lips. 

It's J'onn flying out on the eve, carols and traditional Christmas movies, cold fresh sea air, and the mountain of cookies you’d all baked together. It's ham and turkey both, likely Eliza trying to make up for and celebrate both Christmas and Thanksgiving at the same time, and it's pies and chocolate, virgin eggnogs and cocoa with a mountain of white fluffy baby mallows.

It's phone calls and greetings from all over— Kelly and James, Maggie, Andrea, Sam and Ruby, Clark and Lois. It's contentment, satisfaction, and joy. 

It's family and home and warmth and Kara.

And it's glorious on Christmas day, a large bonfire by the ocean, confessions, declarations, promises, dreams and vows as the sun rose, illuminating the new day. It's family, presents and futures, and comfort, love and joy. There are tears and laughter, stories and prayers, wishes. And it's family, always family, but a union too, unbreakable, blessed by God and Rao, and it's you and Kara and it's forever forever forever, with the sun and stars, the fire, the sand and the wind and the waves.

And it's perfect.

It’s you and Kara and that’s all it’s ever needed to be and it is perfect.

\- 

And it continues in between.

It's papers filed in secret, and mild psychic suggestions to forget, rewriting code, shutting off alerts and alarms, burying notifications and hiding data. It's secret, secret, secret, but no less real. It's you and it's her and it's your family and your present and future, your forever.

It’s breakfasts in bed, walks in the parks, trips to the museums and aquariums and observatories. It’s late night dancing under starlight, a surprise rain shower on a late night walk, midnight picnics illuminated by the building lights of the city in which your very dreams have become reality. It’s stealing kisses on empty streets, stupidly making out in dimly-lit alleyways, or not so stupidly because after all, you can’t be safer than you are with your… very own Supergirl. 

It’s early morning shower sex, and cold cold pancakes when she decides she’d rather have you than it, and it’s a glorious tangled mess of blankets, sheets and her, as you make her forget her very own name in ecstasy. 

It’s happy, and passionate and light, and bright, and fiery and warm. 

It’s you and it’s her and it’s happy and perfect perfect pefect.

-

And it goes on to happen in Metropolis.

Welcoming the New Year.

It’s the ball drop via transmat portal. In the city, with the cold and the snow, and even more family.

It’s Clark and Lois, and the boys, it’s Sam and Ruby and Alex, happy and unburdened in a way you haven’t seen in the longest while. 

It’s surprises and news and congratulations and screaming and swearing to absolute secrecy, and cocktails over two toddlers and the happiest teenager on the planet. And it’s hugs and happiness, so so much happiness. It’s goodbyes and apologies, acceptance, approval and more promises of family, strength and togetherness.

It’s Ruby’s tight and excited embrace, a myriad of stories, a torrent of words, all telling you she loves you, she misses you and wishes you could stay longer, visit more often. And you promise you’ll try, and you will, you really will. Because it’s a day of new beginnings, it’s a day of family and strength and you’re ready to take on the world. 

It’s little Damian’s shy dimpled smile and sticky fingers sharing a half-eaten but wholly cherished chocolate chip cookie and rambunctious Johnathan’s boisterous shrieks of delight, his startling and plentiful hugs, barreling into your legs and asking to be carried and held over and over. 

It’s a teary call from Nia, talking of Holiday miracles, sisters and forgiveness. A deafening call from Maggie, bubbling with laughter and happiness with promises of lunches and dinners and many many more miles. 

It’s Kara tugging you out onto the balcony at exactly midnight, and flying you up in the blistering cold, snow falling heavily around you in flurries, just to steal a moment alone with you, for you and for her. It’s the warmth of her breath on you, the fire in her eyes, the beatific smile on her lips. It’s her tight hold on you, safe and secure, and hers—For all New Years, all Thanksgivings and Christmases, all days and all nights, whether you are together or apart, though you pray it’s together, you pray with everything you are to everything in the universe, that you find all your days with her. 

It’s with fireworks, family and Kara. With love, laughter, shared hopes and dreams and plans. So very many plans you all swear to bring to reality. You’ll enjoy the night, the days that will follow, and you’ll build and make this reality the venue of all your dreams. You’ll continue to build this world together, you’ll build in Light and Truth and Love. 

And it’s perfect.

For the moment, it’s all perfect.


	30. Moms and Forevers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New arc!

The first time Lena is in the clutches of danger again in this new world, you don’t find out until afterwards. 

You don’t know if that’s a blessing or not, on the one hand you’re cursing everything in the known universe that you hadn’t even known and hadn’t been there to protect her, on the other hand, Lena’s fine. She’s fine and safe and whole. 

You’d like to be able to say you rushed to her the second you’d heard but Luthor Corp’s security seems to be much tighter than Lena’s ever was at L-Corp, something you make a note to discuss with her soon, but the truth is they were so efficient you truly didn’t find out until Lena herself was walking into your office at CatCo and wrapping her arms around you. And your heart had seized the second you’d made out what she was saying. The first _“I’m okay”_ hadn’t confused you at all as it had sent a jolt of dark knowing fear straight to your bones. 

Lena hadn’t been okay. Now she is. 

But at some point she hadn’t been. And you hadn’t even known. 

And really, you’d like to curse the universe, all your powers, abilities, super-senses, that you just hadn’t _known,_ but she’s okay. Lena is okay and that’s all that really matters. 

You’d taken her home, more shell-shocked yourself than anything, and Lena… Lena had been worried about _you._ She was the one who’d had a brush with death and still she was concerned about _you._ And you’d wrapped her up in your arms, holding her in bed until you could think again, until you could breathe again, until you were no longer falling and falling and falling.

You’d heard the story of what had actually happened from at least three different news programs, from your neighboring apartments, over and over as you’re laying in bed, Lena safe in your arms, _safe, safe, whole._ And at some point in the night, at some point in the silence of the hours after she had launched herself into your arms, you’d finally broken and cried. And you had _hated yourself_ for it. You’d hated yourself for needing to be the one to be comforted when she was the one who’d almost died. And you love her, you do, but you hate how perfect and understanding she is because it makes the fear of losing her even stronger. You’d promised your sister you’d try harder, you’d promised yourself you’d be better. And you’d tried. You’d tried so so hard but it’s the most difficult thing you’ve ever done—pray that the universe doesn’t take her from you too and just _trust_ that it’ll happen. 

And the truth is you don’t know what to make of it. Because she’s safe in your arms. She’s safe and perfect, whole and _alive._ She’s wonderfully alive in your arms and you have an indeterminate future to still love her. And you want to focus on that, you do. You want to be stronger, to be grateful and relieved and happy. And you are. You’re all those things but there’s still fear hammering in your chest, fear that you don’t know how to quell. 

It takes you all night to decide to leave her, and even then you’re only able to when both Alex and Nia promise to actually literally keep an eye on her. It hadn’t taken any convincing at all and even Lena doesn’t protest her escorts to work, after all, how could she after Nia had thrown her arms around her, much as she herself had done to you the previous day, and had whispered _“Please don’t die too, Lena.”_ And again you’re all reminded of how much loss you’ve all had to deal with as of late. Even Alex had seemed to be relieved to have been asked to do it, and you’d seen how tightly she had clutched Lena’s arm, in sort of anger, as if daring her to protest their company. 

You hadn’t told any of them what you’d had planned for the day, you were still in the process of talking yourself into going at all, but your mind is feeling all sorts of wrecked and you need someone older, better, wiser, to set you right and tell you what to do. Because you’ve tried, you’ve really tried and you don’t know what to do anymore. 

So you fly home, and the moment you see her, the moment her eyes look into yours, you know you’ve made the best decision you could have in light of the circumstances.

"Mom..."

And Eliza immediately crosses to you and takes you into her arms. It doesn't escape you, and you know she's also well aware of the very few times you've ever called her that. It isn't that she isn't, it isn't as though she's less, it's just that you hadn't ever really been ready to let go of one of the last few things tying you to your mother. 

Over the years, you’d mourned the loss of both your parents and your whole planet, and to have found Argo City, to have found your mother again… to have been held in her arms, to have felt her love, it was honestly one of the greatest things you’ve ever felt. You were no longer the last of your kind, no longer the last true Kryptonian. And there it had been - no longer the last of your kind, you could be _you._ You no longer had to be Kara Zor-El the last daughter of Krypton. You no longer had to cling so stringently and fight not to forget who you were supposed to be even whilst trying to pass off as human while still also being Supergirl. You could embrace Kara Danvers, _be_ Kara Danvers, not just hide behind a façade of her, just as you’d embraced and been Kara Zor-El. 

You don't cry. You don’t fall apart. You force yourself not to. You've cried enough in the past months and you're just done, spent, empty, devoid of tears. But Eliza understands. Eliza's always seemed to understand you. And sometimes you wonder if that's just the way of mothers. Because she _is._ She’s your mother too, just as much as Alura is, as much, but different. And some days… some days you just need that extra bit to hold on to. 

The first thing you say to her isn't at all what you mean to talk about, what you mean to tell her, but it's what comes out anyway. "I'm sorry I ruined your family. That you and Alex lost Jeremiah. It's my fault she lost her dad and you lost your... Your..."

"My...?" And the way she says it, gently, encouragingly, as if she already knows everything you're feeling and thinking, as if you're walking for the first time and she knows you can, she's just waiting for you to take that first step.

"Forever. I took away your forever."

She's quiet, smiling so very sadly at you and you can't bear to look at her so you burrow into her, hiding your face in her chest.

"Oh, Kara." She says softly, rocking you gently in her arms. "Forevers don't always end up the way you think they will. But it doesn't mean they're _less._ "

"I don't understand." And you're surprised when it's a more of a plaintive wail than a mere statement. You're not going to cry. You're not going to break. Not again.

"Forever takes many forms. It's not only a husband, but a daughter, daughters, a family. And it doesn't end just because you're broken apart. And being broken apart takes many forms too. Jeremiah may not be here with us, but he loves us and it doesn't make us less of a family just because he isn't here. He's out there, fighting and protecting our family and not just ours, but so very many other families too. You're in a family of heroes, Kara. It's what we do, we fight and we hope and pray that we do enough so everyone also gets their chance at forever."

"But what kind of forever is that when you're apart?"

"The kind that suffers distances but knows no bounds. A forever of hope and prayer and trust. A forever of knowledge and memories."

"But doesn't that just hurt?"

"At times. But it's a pain you learn to live with because just a second of it makes the rest worth it. And you're my forever too, Kara. You and Alex. And now Lena too is part of my forever. Forever isn't a... Time. It's... The vastness of love you have in your heart. It's joy, laughter, the way their eyes shine when they look at you, the way they hold you, the beat of their heart, the feel and smell of their skin. It's every curve, every crevice of their bodies, the treasure chest of their goals, hopes, dreams, their most precious and fervent wishes. It's the fights you've had and will have, your apologies and comprises of your differences, the celebration of your successes and the comfort and support in your failures. It's the past, present and future but it's so much more. It's Jeremiah in my heart, his love, his goodness his being, embedded into my soul. Jeremiah is in Alex's eyes, her every frown, every protest, every stubborn, passionate thought and action. He's in your smile, in your joy and happiness and present.

I miss him and I wish daily he could have been here to see you and Alex grow. Because it is beautiful, Kara. You and Alex, your strength and courage, your stubbornness and hers, the love you have for each other, for _humanity,_ this world. He is so proud of the both of you wherever he is, and if he could have been here with you both, he'd waste no moment telling you that every day he could.

We are so happy you came into our lives, Kara. I know you didn't have a choice but _we_ did. _We_ had a choice. And we chose you. We chose to take you into our home, for you to become a part of our family. But sweetheart, from the moment we saw, we didn't have a choice but to love you. You did not destroy my forever, you've completed it. And I know Jeremiah would do everything over again in a heartbeat if he had to choose. We will choose you over and over again, Kara. We will choose this family with you in it for forever."

"There's so much danger. So many unknowns. Luthor Corp was attacked yesterday, did you see? He was human. Just... Just a man who was confused. And Lena... I just got her. I don't want to lose her. I thought I was getting better. Alex and I promised we'd try harder. And she’s doing so great. She’s being so brave. Alex is amazing. But me? I’m… I'm just so scared."

"My beautiful, sweet, brave, strong girl. We do not buckle under fear. We do not let terror overtake us, crush us. We fight. We fight for this world, we fight for the good, we fight for our family, the ones we love, the ones who hold our hearts. We rise up to the challenge and fight. You have lost so much that sometimes you forget how much you've also gained along the way."

"I don't!" You protest, rising and fiery. "I don't. Never. I have you. Alex. Lena. I have so much and I don't forget. Not for a second."

"No..." she says softly, appeasing. "You don't forget, you don't. But you do forget that we can fight too. That we are not here for you simply to protect. We are here to live and love and fight with you. What kind of life would it be to hide and cower in fear? Is that the life you want for me? For your sister? For your - ?"

"Mom..." Your eyes must be wide, your warning clear.

"Your _LOVE,_ Kara." You note the exasperation and the half smile on her face as she finishes.

And her smile makes you smile, it lightens the load just a bit. She's sharing in your load, she's reminding you she's forever too. "It's like there's no word that's enough. Not even that. But yeah, maybe love works."

"You chose well, Kara. Your heart and soul have chosen well. Remember not to discount your _Love._ She is fierce and strong, intelligent, brave, kind and beautiful. You have found one worthy of you, and she of her. Remember that when you are afraid. Remember that when you are rocked by terror so great it brings you to your knees. Lena Luthor will fight to save you and this world. So you'd better trust and know that a remarkable woman like that will not give up, she will not let go, and she will not settle for anything other than victory. So fight together to protect this world, fight together to protect _her,_ fight together to protect _you._ "

"Thank you for choosing me..." You say, hugging her tightly. "And I'm still sorry..."

"Oh, sweetheart. I'm sorry too. Because you should have had him here too. You should have felt his love for you every single day. We chose heroes, Kara. We chose to love the best of this world. And we've got to trust and believe in them."

"I do." You breathe out, and then more firmly. "I do."

"But you're afraid. And that's okay."

"Just don't buckle under it and trust her." You say. 

"Yes." She smiles at you, proud. "And remember who you love. Remind your fears what rules your heart."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, this is NOT a dark story. 
> 
> This is a story primarily meant to soothe so if there's something from here on out that makes you worry, try to remember that. 
> 
> Everything is going to turn out fine. Lena and Kara are going to be just fine whatever happens in between.


	31. Hope, Trust and Faith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised!

It had taken Kara all of the night before and most of the day, but the moment you step foot inside your apartment, your escorts still in tow, you know something's changed.

Kara gives you a warm smile, pulling you into her arms, a firm kiss to your head. The table is set for four, chocolate pecan pie in the fridge, lasagna warming in the oven, and she gives Alex and Nia instructions on getting a salad ready for dinner before she pulls you into the bathroom with her.

For a long moment she just stares at you and your heart races and races and races.

"I love you." She tells you, and your heart skips. Always. Always. "You are so strong and amazing, and I promise I know that. There's not a second I don't know it, there's not a second I forget it. I just... I love you so much, Lena, and the thought of losing you still terrifies me. But I'm not going to. Lose you, that is. I'm not going to lose you. We're not going to lose each other. I'm not going to let that happen. You're not going to let that happen. We are not going to let that happen."

You take her hand, but you're quiet, she has more to say, you know she does.

"It'll always scare me to think of you in danger, nothing is ever going to change that. But you need to stop putting me first when things like that happen. I'm not the one who gets to fall apart--"

"Actually you are." You interrupt. "I'm not going to tell you I wasn't afraid in the moment. I was. But it was under control. I could tell how confused and in pain he was, Kara. And he pushed me away. He saw me, he looked into my eyes and he pushed me away. He wasn't after _me._ And I was more afraid for everyone else than I was for myself--"

"What do you mean?"

You put a hand up. There's so much to explain.

"Later. At dinner." You tell her, moving on to things that are for just you and her. "I was fine. I _am_ fine. And I need you to understand that I am. I really am."

Her eyes search yours and you will her to see. You take her hands and place it on your waist, willing her to feel. It's that that does it. Her face breaks in understanding and she drops her head on your shoulder.

"You're fine," she mumbles against you.

"I am." You confirm. "I really am. So I don't need to fall apart. And it's okay that you needed to. Do you remember," and you pull away because you want her to see your face, want her to look into your eyes, "after we had that fight in my apartment?"

Her face clouds with confusion. "Fight? Which one?"

Have you really had so many? No. You won't think about that.

"The one after you flew me home from Luthor Corp. Remember that one night you stayed? You made us breakfast the next morning, said if I promised to let you stay, if I let you cook, if I ate breakfast with you you'd give me space and make sure I wouldn't see you for at least a month?"

"Why are we remembering sad things, Lena?"

She looks forlorn at the memory and you press a quick kiss to her lips.

"Just... Remember what you did? Remember how you didn't give up? What did you do?"

"I made sure you didn't see me but I left you snacks and notes and letters-"

"Yes, and then one day you didn't. One day you went off-world without warning and there was nothing. No snack, no note, no letter."

"I asked Alex to bring donuts over! Donuts the first day and if I wasn't back she was supposed to bring-"

"Yes, but she was late that day."

And finally her face breaks with realization. And you continue. "She was late and I was freaking out. Because I didn't know where you were, how you were. And then hours later she was showing up and... Kara, it was one of the worst days of my life. You were Supergirl and I was so afraid... How I felt that day, the utter fear I felt thinking she was there to tell me something terrible had happened to you, thinking she was going to tell me you were gone..."

She backs you against the bathroom wall and holds your face in her hands. "I'm sorry... " she whispers. "I'm sorry, I didn't think... I didn't know."

You nod a bit shakily. "So you get to fall apart, darling. It's okay to fall apart. You're the strongest person I know and just because you are doesn't mean you don't get to be afraid, that you don't get to fall apart. I'm here. I've got you."

And she breathes in, deeply, her mouth hovering above yours before she's kissing you, hot, wet, taking and taking and taking. And when you pull apart she pants as she continues to press kisses against your neck.

"Do you know why I worked so hard on Non Nocere?" You're breathless, slightly trembling at the feel of her lips on your neck, but you ask it anyway.

"Because I betrayed you and you were hurt and angry and wanted to stop everyone from hurting each other."

"Yes." You tell her. "And because I wanted you to stop having to fight. I was so afraid because my mind couldn't put it together. The Kara who I always felt I needed to protect even though you were always so so strong, I didn't want the world to hurt you because you were so bright and pure and good, and Supergirl who was literally stronger than steel and was bulletproof. For the longest time I was angry that you were in danger, that you weren't safe. And I needed you to be safe, Kara. And I thought there wasn't ever enough I could do to keep you safe. So I thought, maybe I could stop you having to fight at all. Then you wouldn't be in danger anymore."

"But, Lena-"

"Yes, yes," you cut her off because what she's thinking was precisely the point and it's no longer important. "To have done it would have taken free will. To have succeeded would have meant I’d have stolen people’s very souls. And I could have done it. Just done it and taken it. And what kind of world would that have made? And that’s what you’d been trying to tell me. And I knew that. I did. But I was afraid. I was so afraid of losing you. But I loved you. So very very much. So much more than my fears. And I realized I couldn’t just love the parts of you that were safe. I had to love all of you, even the ones that terrified me. Even the part of you that's in danger and could mean that tonight, this _moment_ with you, could be our last. So I understand, darling. I understand. You never have to explain to me why you're afraid. You never have to justify your fear to me."

"Lena..."

"Yes." And it's firm and ardent because you are there and you need her to know and feel that you are. "When I let myself see you, _all_ of you, I saw how strong you were. How much stronger you were than I'd thought, than I'd known. And I trust you, with this world, with my heart, with our futures and our lives. I trust you with everything I am. I have faith that you will do everything in your power to keep this world safe and good, that you will take care of yourself, of me, of our family, of the families of this world. And I have hope, my love, hope that one day this world will be better, that this world will have more light than darkness, that people will choose to love rather hate, will choose to help rather hurt each other."

"And... When we're afraid, that's what we do." She says.

And yes. Yes, yes, yes. "Yes." You tell her. "That's what we do."

"We fill our hearts with trust, and faith, and hope."

"And love." You add.

"And love." She agrees. "And there'll be no room for fear."

"Some," You tell her, "some room for fear." Because fear is okay too. It's dark but real, dark but true. And you never want Kara to deny that part of herself. You never want her to hide from you. "But only a little. Because love, trust, faith and hope, that's what we fill our hearts with."

"You're amazing, Lena." She whispers. And you wrap your arms around her shoulders, needing her to ground you. "Thank you for choosing me. For loving me."

"Oh darling," you breathe out, "I don't think it was ever really a choice. But if it were, I'd still choose you, every single time."

\---

When you do manage to make it out of the bathroom, finally dressed in a comfortable pair of leggings and an old well-worn concert shirt of Kara's, hair in a loose bun on top of your head, face scrubbed free of make-up and padding barefoot towards the kitchen, you actually crash into Kara who was walking right in front of you.

"Darling?" You call out, hand clutching at her arm, watching her gape at something in the kitchen.

When you turn to look your eyes go wide with surprise and you imagine you look something similar when your mouth too hangs open, unbidden.

"Well, you've taken forever." Alex drawls from the dining table. "Nia went home. Surprise visit from her sister for the weekend."

And then the cause of your surprise. "Really could have answered just one of my calls or messages." Maggie throws at you.

Your grip on Kara tightens, you feel like you’re treading in deep deep waters and there's no land in sight. You were in the bathroom for maybe twenty minutes, thirty tops, _shit,_ were you there for longer? How did the universe end up upending itself in that time.

"So we started." Alex gestures unnecessarily to their served-up half eaten servings of lasagna.

" _Shit._ " Kara actually says beside you before she turns to you, eyes still wide, silently begging you to do something or maybe even just explain to her what's going. You give her a helpless shrug, you don't know what's going on either.

"Little Danvers all grown up." Maggie quips with a smirk towards you and Kara before turning to Alex. "You did good, Danvers, got her up to swearing and everything."

Alex laughs, soft and genuine and you hazard a long hard look at her face trying to see how she's really feeling. She looks fine, actually fine, and you don't know whether it's the calm before the storm or if it's really all that it seems.

"Don't have a heart attack, you two. The food's getting cold."

And you finally give Kara a light shove forward and she moves though her eyes still look at you bewildered. Her fingers thread with yours and you think she's looking for you to ground her. You slide your stool close to hers and she half leans on you when you're both seated, your hands still tightly clasped together.

"So..." You start and stop, you suddenly don't know what's going on and you're at a complete loss for words.

Maggie shoots Alex a look and a beat passes before Maggie is speaking.

"I've been calling since yesterday, Lena. Neither you nor Kara have picked up, and I heard what happened and I know you're fine, but was it really so hard to just return one call? Send one stupid message back?"

"I... I don't even know where my phone is." You admit. You'd rushed out of Luthor Corp the day before to get to Kara before news of the attack could get to her, and then you'd had a full day of meetings and phone calls and had to do damage control from literally all departments as your brother had only seen fit to give a small press conference the night of the attack before disappearing and leaving you to deal with the actual aftermath in terms of your employees, investors and board members and shareholders.

"Sorry?" Kara says beside you. Still mostly mute.

You press a kiss to her cheek and whisper, "Calm down." And she tenses further for a moment before visibly deflating, her weight falling against you.

"Please just answer next time. One message, one call. Just so I know, okay?"

"Promise."

Maggie looks at Alex again, another beat and Alex is clearing her throat before speaking. "So mom's lasagna's great..."

Maggie laughs and Kara lets out an "Alex!" before she's pulling herself out of your arms and sitting up, back rigid, eyes hard and ready. "Are you guys okay?" she asks them.

And your heart pounds. It pounds, pounds, pounds, because these are your friends. This is your family and you don't want them to be hurting and it's unimaginable for them not to be. Especially Alex. _Especially, especially Alex._

"We're all adults here, Kara. We're friends, family." Alex responds.

"But really..." Kara says softly. "It's okay if you're not..."

"Kara." You note the hint of warning, something fierce in Alex's eyes before its gone when Maggie gives her hand a quick squeeze. It's quick, nothing longer than a second, but it's like the world shifts again.

"We're fine, Kara. Adults and all." Maggie speaks. "And Eliza's lasagna’s great."

You don't miss the quick look of relief Alex shoots her and Maggie shoots her a small smile back and your heart continues to pound, pound, pound.

Kara turns to look at you, a half smirk, half concerned look on her face. "On a scale of one to yesterday, how freaked out are you right now?"

You take a deep breath and let you a nervous laugh. "Yesterday was more of a 3, getting abducted by my mother a 5, strapped to an unpiloted crashing plane with dangerous chemicals a 7 and shooting my brother dead a 10... So I'd say right now, we're at 7.5."

"Christ, Lena." Alex barks out. "You're insane."

"She's perfect." Kara says hotly, glaring at her sister momentarily before sweeping you into her arms and hugging you tightly. "Rao, you're perfect. And you're _fine._ " She breathes softly into your ear.

"I am." You whisper against her. "I am, I promise."

"Really?" Maggie says brightly. "Gee, Danvers, guess we still got it. We rate a 7.5 on Little Luthor's freak out scale."

Alex merely rolls her eyes good-naturedly but there's a distinct straightening to her spine.

"Maggie's got news. A marked increase in cases of violence, all due to psychic... _confusion._ "

"Hey, my case, my update."

"The best pie in the galaxy," Alex says air-quoting and making a face as she does so, "is in the fridge and between you and this pair, we'll never get to it."

"I am so weirded out right now." Kara says to no one in particular just as she gets up and pulls the pie out of the fridge. She plops it in front of you and stabs a fork through the center.

"Kara! Who the hell eats pie like that?" Alex shrieks, actually shrieks.

"It's Lena's." she says, still glaring at her sister, "Mom said."

And oh, Alex deflates at that. _Mom._ Yes, you and she know what that means too. She takes a long look at Kara finally, and you finally see a flicker of worry before she finally softens, voice low, speaking slowly. "Maggie and I are fine. It's been two years, almost three. We're all adults here. We all care about what happened to Lena at Luthor Corp yesterday. We've always worked well together, and we're going to work together on this now."

It's a long minute before Kara turns to you, silent. You remove the fork in the middle of the pie before pushing it towards Kara who cuts out two slices, serving them on dessert plates for Alex and Maggie.

"Thank you." Alex says softly, meaningfully, as Kara hands her her piece. "Maggie and I are _not_ freaking out so you two can stop freaking out. Okay?"

You reach for Kara's hand and grip it tightly.

"Yeah." Maggie adds. "And though this really has got to be the best pie ever, I do have a lot of new cases that have been piling up since Christmas and I didn't want to interrupt the... _Holiday Celebrations,_ so I figured it could wait. But after yesterday... Alex already gave me most of the details."

You nod. Okay. You can do this. You give Kara's hand a squeeze and clear your throat before speaking. "So you're saying people's memories are... fracturing? Yesterday wasn't a one-off. Or two-off 'cause I mean, _you_ noticed the inconsistencies in your memories."

Maggie nods. "Alex said, the man, Lumly, he went specifically for your brother."

"He did." You agree. "I was sitting right next to him. And I was in his way, Dr. Lumly's, and he looked at me, he just... He looked right at me and then it was like he recognized me? There was a second where his eyes, they... They changed, for just a second and he pushed me out of the way before he backed Lex into the wall and trained a gun on him."

"Tell them what he said." Alex prods.

You take a deep breath and you do.


	32. Talk, don’t talk

"Tell me the truth," Kara says, sitting with her legs tucked under her across from you on the bed.

You copy her, a slight smirk on your lips, careful to leave at least a foot between you two. You watch the slight frown on her face at the noticeable distance and for a second - _five,_ her fingers twitch, arm raising slightly, likely wanting to reach out for you. Your heart races. It's pretty much always racing when Kara's around - when she looks at you, when she's across the room, when she's lost in thought, when she's working or cooking or cleaning, when she's actually staring at you like you hold all the keys to the secrets of the galaxy.

"Tell you the truth about what?" You ask, prompting her to finish her thought, ask her question.

"I forget." She shrugs and finally does reach to tug you to her.

You laugh lightly, repositioning yourself in her lap, her arms, so you can sink comfortably in her.

"Love you." She mumbles against your hair, arms encircling you.

Your heart feels full full full. Happy, content and safe.

"So Maggie and Alex..."

Kara hums in agreement but she's rubbing her nose against the crook of your neck. "Tomorrow." She says simply, pressing open mouthed kisses to your neck and far too soon you can't even remember anything that had happened earlier that night or day, all your mind is filled with is you and her and the heat of her lips on your skin.

-

The next morning turns out much the same. And you are absolutely not complaining. Talking about Alex and Maggie, the attack at Luthor Corp, the marked increase in the NCPD science division's cases on violence due to sudden onset of psychosis - all are left undiscussed. And yes, it's serious, it's all serious. Your friends, your family, your safety and that of your employees, the fate of the world... It's all terribly serious. Danger is literally afoot but the way she looks at you, the way your... _Kara_ looks at you, your heart just beats and pounds and thrums and races. And when she touches you, it's... Hot, gentle, firm, soft and demanding all at the same time. She tugs you against her, in bed, in the bathroom, over pancakes and bacon, while washing the dishes... You don't even make it out before noon because just as you're asking her to zip your dress up for you, she's backing you into the dresser, _again,_ eyes scorching, mouth and hands insistent.

And it's glorious. It really truly is. You feel every bit your age and the sheer abandon radiating off of Kara, her face, her smile, her eyes, the epitome of delight, devotion and adoration, it wraps you in a bubble of light, love and life.

But it’s a long afternoon, and a long night at work. Your brother is still MIA and you barely have time to consider that he must be out looking for ways to make sure the Truth he'd supplanted never again wholly makes it to the light of day. If you've heard of the fracturing of memories, then he's certainly heard of it. You've held and been a part of so many conferences and meetings in the past two days it's like the first weeks of rebranding into L-Corp, and you're beyond grateful that this time, Kara's by your side, even though it means you're literally a full half day late to work.

But the memory of her smile, her eyes, her touch, they fill your heart, bolster your soul, and you don't fall as deep into the horror and catastrophe of the previous days as you _would have_ and _actually have_ in the past. 

Andrea shows up at four in the afternoon and waits quite nervously, if impatiently, for you to finish a teleconference, but she does wait, keeping her distance all the way across the room. When it ends, she flings herself at you with an embrace so tight it rivals even Kara's. Your assistant had informed you of her call yesterday, of course, and you'd meant to return them, you had, but you had also reasonably had a mountain of more pressing issues to deal with throughout the day and had simply forgotten. 

"My God, Lena." She murmurs. "How are you this okay?"

And you would laugh because you mean it, you'd only felt as though you were in danger for a handful of minutes before you unequivocally knew you weren't the target and that you were safe, but she seems so distraught so you lead her to the couch and grip her trembling hands.

"How are you and Kara not a mess?" She asks you.

"All part of being a Luthor." You quip.

And Andrea freezes, frowning, raising a hand to her temple before a faraway look overtakes her gaze. You tilt your head, wondering what's happening, leaning forward slightly towards her.

You give her a moment, two, three, until it's been so long you can't keep count and your heart begins to pound in worry.

"I... It's not the first time." She finally says, still not looking at you. "How could I forget this wasn't the first time? But what... Why isn't it the first time? I don't understand." She finally says turning to you. "I don't understand, Lena."

"It's okay." You tell her, your heart now pounding with understanding. "Hey, it's okay. Comes with running a multi-billion dollar company, right? All in a day's work, we'll just drown in the unimportant if we keep focusing on the details."

Her expression screams doubt and confusion but you squeeze her hands in yours and she seems to settle. You'll have to talk to Kara about this. You'll have to talk to everyone about it but you've got an incredibly full day. And as a testament to that, your assistant is already knocking on your door and clearing her throat waiting to inform you of your next batch of meetings.

Andrea is quick to pull you into another tight hug before she takes her leave after making you promise to at least give her a call within the following week. "I know it was terrible between us for a while, Lena, but you've got to know you've always been so important to me." She whispers quickly before she leaves without another word.

You'd only managed to sigh and give your assistant instructions to actually locate and make sure to charge your personal phone before you're heading down to the labs to finally address the team that had been in direct contact with Dr. Lumly.

It truly is a long day.

\--

You miraculously make it home before midnight and the second you step foot outside your car, Kara's breezing right through the building doors, waving your driver away cheerily before she's pushing you against a lamppost in a deep, searing kiss.

And fuck, it's amazing. It's amazing _all_ the time, to be so blatantly loved and wanted as she loves and wants you, it's positively dizzying. She doesn't let you go until you're thoroughly kissed and your legs feel like jelly. There's a mischievous look on her face when she holds your waist steady and you immediately say. "Don't you dare." And her laughter in response is immediate and full, mirth and light and contentment all wrapped up in her beautiful laugh.

"Did you eat?" She asks pulling you inside the building.

"Yes," You respond, "Thank you for the Super delivery... And the sweep though it wasn't necessary."

She turns a low glare at you before her mouth quirks into a small smile. " _Think again_ and take into consideration _everything_ that's happened the past few days and then perhaps amend that and _speak again._ "

You roll your eyes but do take a second to think before indeed speaking again though you can’t help the slight petulance that still shines through at how utterly exhausted you are. You pray she understands, that your… Kara understands. "Thank you for dropping dinner off, darling, and making sure all of Luthor Corp and I are safe. And thank you for not sending your sister and Nia to babysit me all day again."

"Such bite, Lady El." She tells you as you've finally made your way to your apartment door. She pushes it open, sweeping you inside.

"Kara..."

She ignores the warning in your tone, pushing you against the door as soon as it’s closed, her fingers playing with the zipper of your dress. "Bath, bed or _here?_ " She asks you hotly.

And your brain positively short circuits. There's things you two have to talk about but that smolder in her eyes, the way she's licking her lips, the way her fingers are tracing along your back.

As though reading your mind, she says, "If it couldn't wait you would have called to tell me earlier." 

Gorgeous, powerful and smart. That's who you chose.

"Here." You finally say voice rough and you have only a split second to see her eyes turn predatory before her lips attach themselves to yours once again, the rest of the day forgotten for the moment.

\--  
"Babe," Kara's whispering and her hand is cupping your cheek, thumb rubbing your cheekbone. "Burglary on the corner of 8th and Hall. Don't leave without me today, okay?"

"Hmm, time?" you mumble, fighting to open your eyes.

"Shh, it's only a little after five. Go back to sleep. I'll be back as soon as I can." She says again and you feel her press a kiss to your head. "Just don't leave without me today."

“Conference. Eight.” You mumble, barely managing to open your eyes but you fight against the drowsiness.

“I’ll be back before then.” She presses another kiss to your hair. 

You sit up and hold her tightly for a moment, fighting against your own sudden inexplicable desire to pull her back into bed with you and ask her to stay. “Another sweep?” You ask, prolonging the moment. You know she has to go, but she also hasn’t left yet and you can’t seem to help yourself.

“J’onn will do a psychic sweep on Monday and every weekday for a while, but just an explosives sweep today. But I don’t want you going until I’ve done it. I’ll go and stay with you. Wait for me okay?” She murmurs against you. There’s something about her tone that makes you cling tightly to her. 

“I’ll reschedule…” You find yourself saying. Your heart starting to pound. “I’ll reschedule today. We’ll stay in.”

“To talk?” She asks.

“Or not.” You breathe out. 

She smiles softly at you before saying. “I gotta go.”

“I know…” But your hold tightens even further. 

“I’ll be safe, Lee.”

“Okay,” You say, fighting fighting fighting to let go. “Okay.” You say again, and still you can’t let go.

“I’ll be safe. I’ll be right back.” She murmurs again.

“Burglary,” You breathe out. “Just a burglary.” And you let go.

“Just a burglary.” She echoes. 

She gives you a look, intense and so full of desire your breath catches, before she’s gone.

\---

It’s not just another burglary.


	33. Not just another burglary

You don’t go back to sleep. Can’t. Inexplicable. But there it is. 

You’d spent most of the early morning answering your emails and leaving detailed instructions for your assistant to send out your last statement to appease the masses and the various investors the following day, as well as an actual cancellation rather than a rescheduling of the conference scheduled that day. You’ve done enough hand-holding the past two days and you need to get back to work. Lex had painted the attack as just another disgruntled employee and though you know better, it’s not exactly in the world’s best interest to be made aware of the truth as of the moment. 

It’s quite early but you’d finally returned Eliza’s messages from the day of the attack, unsurprised that she’s awake having immediately replied. You’d taken her call, thanked her profusely for the pie and the lasagna and had had to convince her not to take time off work to come and visit even just for a day, reassuring her you’re perfectly fine and just need to get back to work. You’d also finally called Andrea, knowing she too would be up, and though you were planning merely on checking in with her, and perhaps gauge her well-being after the distinct episode she had in your office, you manage to uncover yet another problem when she tells you William’s caught hint of Dr. Lumly’s statements during the attack and has made a link between the recent cases of violence due to psychosis and is bent on pursuing an investigation on the matter. 

You certainly do need to talk to Kara, and really, everyone else, and you truly need to take into consideration whether or not you can take the day just for you and her again before you let the rest of the world in and deal with yet another problem. You decide you don’t know, but you’ll take it anyway. Just one day. _Just one more day._ And tomorrow you’ll talk about all of it, deal with all of it.

So you leave your phone to charge, preemptively putting all alerts on vibrate for a day of shutting the world out with Kara, before you shower, tidy up, and go over the grocery list. You consider making breakfast but you’re anxious and you don’t feel like it. You’ll go out for a walk when Kara gets back, have ice cream for breakfast.

Eight comes and goes and you turn the TV on. You’d taken to not watching the news anymore, all the news you need online, at your fingertips and significantly less sensationalized and more efficiently assimilated by your mind through words. But today Kara isn’t back yet, and so you turn it on. You note your phone buzzing just as you find a channel that shows you exactly what’s transpired. 

It’s a burglary, yes. But it’s also aliens or metahumans, the news isn’t certain yet, and there’s a massive fight, your Kara against four super-powered beings of yet unknown origin and she falls, spent and unconscious just as the Flash and his team come. There’s a fight that ensues but you don’t pay attention anymore when Kid Flash zooms Kara off screen before returning and rejoining the fray.

Your heart doesn’t race. It doesn’t pound. It doesn’t throb. It doesn’t do anything other than continue to beat it’s steady rhythm. 

You finally check your phone and note no less than a dozen missed calls just as another one goes through. It’s Maggie. “The DEO took her. They won’t let Alex in. She doesn’t have clearance anymore.”

“Call J’onn. Meet me there.”

And you don’t know exactly how you make it there but you do. Alex, Maggie and J’onn waiting for you out by the gates. 

Alex is barely reigning in her rage and panic. Maggie shifting uneasily on her feet, her face a mask of deep dread. J’onn is solemn, he knows what you’re going to do.

The guard at the gate asks for your ID and you’re grateful Maggie takes over because you’re mere heartbeats away from asking J’onn to destroy everything in your path and that simply will not do. There are steps. _Steps._ And this is just the first one. You don’t know what Maggie says, or perhaps Alex, but there’s a lot of motioning towards you and finally, white as chalk, they let you pass. The guards at the doors are easier, you think it’s J’onn that does something and finally Barry arrives and all you manage is a curt nod before you’re pushing your way through leaving everyone else to sort out the mess. You make it to the main hall where you note Colonel Haley striding towards you.

“Ms. Luthor, you’re not expected here today.”

You haven’t stepped foot in this reality’s version of the DEO, you haven’t wanted to nor needed to, what with Lex running it and you really don’t know what she means but it hardly matters.

“Supergirl.” You say firmly, meeting her confused gaze. “Where is she?” It’s less a question and more a demand and you see the flicker in her eyes as she realizes it too. 

“I—You don’t have clearance to be here.” She says to Alex, J’onn, Barry and Maggie, distracted by their arrival.

“Where is Supergirl?” You say again and Haley is at a loss for words. 

You take out the device you’ve been working on for precisely this reason though you’d never thought it would be under these circumstances it would actually be put to use. It’s too early, much too early to be showing your hand. But with Kara here, incapacitated, it’s also already much too late.

You press a button and all monitors show white noise. There’s chatter everywhere, agents confused and in near panic. 

“Querl Dox.” You call out imperiously. There’s no other word for it. You will make them all fall at your feet if you have to.

He comes out wide-eyed and nervous but silent. “Call Alexander.” You tell him. He makes to speak but another look at your face stops him and he motions for you to turn off your hold on the computers.

Haley makes a move towards you and starts to speak but you hold up a hand to stop her. “You have no power here and I have no need of you.” You tell her simply. You know of her. You know Lex surrounds himself with good people. You know why he does it. You will not hurt her. You won’t. But she needs to stay out of your way. 

“Lena, to what do we owe the pleasure? Bit theatrical don’t you think?” Lex’s voice goes through the speakers of the hall.

“Querl Dox.” You say again. “Tell him— Can I take your whole system down in a second?”

Brainy hesitates but does answer in the affirmative.

“I’m not stupid, Lena. I have back-ups offsite.”

You mention three remote places he’s got those backups stored. And he’s quiet for a moment. You pray you got them all. You’ve been combing and combing the records, J’onn’s been studiously checking for you for months and you pray you’ve gotten them all. You’ve got to have gotten them all. _You’ve got to._

“You don’t want to do this, Lena.” He finally says and you breathe. You’ve got him.

“I don’t.” You agree. “I’m only here for her, Lex.”

“She’s safe at the DEO. We’ll take care of her, patch her up and send her back to you.”

“ _Now,_ Alexander.” You say simply.

Brainy taps at his wrist imperceptibly then draws a line along a vein. You look to Barry and under your breath say, “ _Blood samples. Tubes. Vials. Burn everything._ ” He nods and then zooms out and the distinct smell of smoke somewhere in the building starts to coat the air and there’s yelling, lots and lots of yelling before he’s back again with Kara in his arms.

And your heart stops. It stops and finally starts pounding at the sight of her.

“We’re leaving now.” You say out loud, your eyes still trained on her.

“You’ll regret this, Lena.” Lex says, a singing lilt to his tone. 

“Not today, brother.” You ground out. “Your whole covert agency for one alien. I think you’ll manage.”

“No one takes from me, dearest. Not even you.”

“She’s never been yours. _Neither of us_ have ever been yours.” You say finally, as you lead everyone out.

\---

The truth is for all your confidence and outer bluster, you’re a near catatonic mess when you finally get Kara into your private lab with more security measures than the Pentagon. Alex checks her over, the most familiar with her physiology and conditions and you only really breathe again when Alex finally sighs in relief and tells you she’s just solar flared. Your lab is equipped and ready with a sun bed, it’s one of the things Alex had had you make when she’d left the DEO, and though you’d hoped it would never be put to use, you’re grateful for her penchant for being prepared for all Supergirl eventualities. Alex truly belongs at the helm of any operation to keep her sister safe. 

You don’t know how long you sit with her. Maggie leaves, Alex brings you two different meals and still Kara doesn’t wake up. At some point Kelly arrives and tries to speak to you but you can barely tear your eyes away from Kara, your hands gripping tightly to hers. You think you hear Nia’s voice, soft, sacred and so so far away, you can’t check, you can’t look, you keep your eyes on Kara.

You don’t know what you do aside from sit there, you don’t know what you think about or how much time passes. More food comes, you think. You don’t hear or see much of anything except the steady rise and fall of Kara’s chest, the pale unhealthy sheen of her skin. Alex comes and goes, she says things to you and you don’t know if you respond. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t, you really don’t know, you really don’t remember. 

At some point you fall asleep, and at another you wake up, and still Kara’s prone form does little to quell the ache you feel. Your heart’s long since stopped pounding and instead it aches and aches and aches. 

This isn’t the way your day is supposed to go. 

“We’re supposed to have ice cream for breakfast, darling.” You say out loud, running your fingers through her hair. It’s the first thing you’re conscious of saying since you’ve arrived and your voice is hoarse, likely from disuse, and you hear something clatter behind you along with a gasp. You don’t bother turning to see what’s happened or even who it is. Your lab is safe. You’re sure of it. At least for now. You’ll need better soon. As soon as Kara’s awake, you make a mental note. You’ll take care of all of it as soon as she’s awake. No, no. You’ve promised. You’ve vowed. You’ll do it together. 

“William’s made the link between Lumly and the sudden psychosis. He’s run the story past Andrea. I think it’s time we bring them in… restore their memories. Andrea’s started to get confused. I think the attack a few days ago triggered it.” You say. You’ll talk to her about all you’ve needed to talk about the past few days but never got around to. “You’ve got to be listening, Kar… let’s talk about it now. Let’s take care of it now and just take a _week._ Let’s go, darling. Wake up and let’s just _go._ ”

She doesn’t move, she doesn’t wake. But she does breathe. And for now, that’s going to have to be good enough. “You promised, Kara. You promised me. You made a _vow._ You have to know I’m going to hold you to that.”

“She’s stable.” It’s Alex.

You want to respond, thank her for taking charge, for taking care of her sister, thank her for taking care of and reassuring you. But your tongue feels leaden and all you can really do is take Kara’s hand and press it to your face as you close your eyes. It’s silent again for many long moments until Alex breaks it.

“Please don’t shut down again, Lena. Don’t shut us out. _She’s my sister._ We can't lose you now too.”

“You’re not losing either of us.” 

Alex breathes an audible sigh and moves to take a seat on the sunbed right beside Kara, her fingers brushing Kara’s forehead for a moment before she’s turning back to you, her eyes pleading. “This isn’t the first time it’s happened. It’s not the worst that’s happened. It’s not even the longest time she’s been down for.”

“Then why are you afraid?” You ask, your voice steady, belying the tornado of emotions that has started to build inside of you upon your speaking, your eyes firmly on Kara’s still prone form.

Alex doesn’t respond for a while and the build-up abates. You focus once again on the rise and fall of Kara’s chest, settling, calming.

“She’s lost so much. She’s been trying really hard but she’s still afraid to lose even more.” Alex says as she runs her fingers through her sister’s hair. “It’s the most she’s had since she was sent away from Krypton… Maybe it’s even the most she’s ever had _including_ then. You’ve filled her life with so much _light_. I know you’re always saying Kara does that for you. You talk about her warmth, her brightness, but Lena… you’re all that for her too.”

“I know.” You say. You do.

God. Just months ago you were mired in insecurities and self-doubt and was too blinded by anger and betrayal fueled by the former, to have seen and felt how completely Kara loves you. But you do know now. You do see now. You feel it with _every_ heartbeat of _every_ second of _every_ day.

“Don’t do that again.” You note exasperation in her tone and you fight really really hard to tear your eyes away from Kara. And the moment you meet Alex’s gaze, the universe tells you it’s worth it. Her face is a picture of exhaustion, her eyes pained. “Don’t shut us out again.”

“Alex-”

“I know how much you love her.” She interrupts running her fingers through her own hair in a frazzled disjointed motion. “We all know how much you love each other. And I _want_ to say nothing bad is going to happen but that’s just a ridiculously stupid and naive thing to say in this reality and any other. It’s like danger’s in all our DNA’s, everyone’s middle name, all those cliches. Kara’s right. It’s a dangerous world, but it’s _always_ been that. And I doubt it will ever not be. And there’s reason to be scared-”

“I’m not scared.”

Alex gives you a disbelieving look but simply continues. “Kara’s so stuck in her fear sometimes she forgets she’s the one constantly flying into danger. She doesn’t stop to think that we’re the ones who should be in a constant state of fear simply because of who she is. Do you think I forgot what you said that day?”

And you know precisely which day she’s talking about, it’s the same day you’d just told Kara about a mere day ago, but you don’t reply.

“ _That_ was the day I knew this is exactly where we’d be.”

“Kara unconscious on a sunbed?”

Her response is a roll of the eyes and a grim smile, silent for again for a few moments before once again speaking. “She’s my sister. What does that make you?”

Your chest seizes for a moment, tight and afraid before the weight of Kara’s hand in yours emboldens you. “Your sister.”

“So don’t shut us out.” She says again. “We fight together, we hurt together, we deal together. We’re family. Yeah?”

“Yeah…” You say softly. 

“Not just at game nights, not just at Thanksgiving and Christmas or New Year’s. We’re family _all the time._ Even when she’s being a snooty little twit.” The last bit is said with quite a bit of bite and you see her eyes flick towards Kara possibly, likely, definitely hoping Kara will jump up with a shriek of _‘Alex!’_ She sighs and rubs her fingers against Kara’s hair again when she doesn’t.

“She’s worried about you.” You say. “She’s worried about everyone.”

“I don’t want her to be worried about everyone. I want her to just _live._ Her and you. I didn’t tell you so you could do something about it, Lena.”

“I’m not sorry I did.” You say firmly. You’re not. Maggie’s fast become one of your dearest friends. “Even though I didn’t really know what I was doing.”

“That’s fine.” Alex lets out a short rough bark of laughter. “I wasn’t sure either the first time I called you. But I don’t think I was ever sorry for it. And it worked out.”

“Is _this_ going to work out?” You finally ask. 

“It always works out.” She says, walls quickly going up.

“I’m not Kara.” You sigh. “ _I’m_ the _sister_ you shouldn’t have to worry about being strong for all the time too. And I’m quite aware of how often even the most impassioned speeches just don’t work.”

She looks at you, gaze piercing. “I know.” She says, finally. “You’re just so damned tough all the time.”

“Kara’s tough.” You say, an immediate flare of anger at the implication.

“She is.” Alex placates. “But I’m the older sister and I just want her to not have to be all the time. Especially for me. I want you to take that week you were talking about. I want you to have ice creams for breakfasts or lunches and dinners, make yourselves sick with all of Kara’s favorite junk food and not have to worry about flying out to save the world. I want you to stop waking up at the crack of dawn stealing time for your Supergirl tech. I want _you two_ to _say_ it. I want _you_ to let yourself _think_ it. Because you both deserve all of that.”

You see the sincerity in her eyes and the protectiveness abates. Your nerves must be frayed, it’s Alex. She’d never judge Kara for her fears, her very reasonable fears. You don’t know what you were thinking. 

“We want that for you too. So much, Alex. You know that don’t you? It gets lost in Kara’s head sometimes. She’s always thinking about so many things all at the same time. But that’s all she really wants for you too. She wants to help you get there. Like you’ve always helped her, like you’ve helped _me._ Nothing diminishes your regard for Kara. And nothing will diminish her regard for you. Kara’s got you. We’ve all got each other, remember? So _let her have you._ ”

She sighs deeply before taking both yours and Kara’s hands in hers. “I just want you two to be happy. For everything to just… be _still_ so you can _be._ You in danger last week. Her in danger this weekend. Christ, Lena. We couldn’t even make it through one weekend. There’s always something going on and I don’t want to add to it any more than I absolutely have to. You found each other. You’ve got each other.”

“We’ve got you too. Family, remember?”

She snorts but her face looks lighter than it has since this whole ordeal. “A family of tough women.”

“I have so much to protect.” You admit. “But I can’t seem to…”

“You’re doing the best you can and don’t you dare say it’s not good enough just because she’s blown out her powers.” It’s a wild rush of words said with a fair bit of anger. “Your best is pretty damn good and these things will happen. We’ve prepared for it as best as we can and now we weather the storm. We prepare and weather, _and again,_ prepare and weather. And in the middle we take those weeks, and months and we _live_. And those in betweens we live for, they make the fights worth it. Don’t ever doubt that, Lena.”

“I don’t.” You promise. “I won’t.”

“Good.” She says simply, finally pushing off the bed. “Everyone’s stopped by. Kara’s stable. She’ll wake up. But they’re worried about _you._ ”

“I’m fine.” You say, taking Kara’s hand again and pressing it to your cheek.

“Ready to tell mom that?”


	34. What have you done?

It's at around the 48 hour mark - a little fact you only subconsciously realize when the memory of it comes unbidden from your mind many many many months later, as you're waiting for your car outside your company, getting drenched in a sudden downpour, the rush of remembering keeping you frozen on the curb instead of reasonably trying to get to shelter - when they finally come, blustering through two of your outer labs but humorously stuck due to mere biometrics of the third. You'd specifically designed your labs to precisely be a sort of maze, the more important projects depeer inside with a veritably complex and growing security system.

You're alerted the moment they step into the building, and you use the time it takes for them to make it past your more basic security measures to the farthest you're willing to let them get to by pressing kisses to Kara's wrist.

You don't particularly feel anything. Not anxious, not afraid, you don't even feel particularly tired considering you don't know how little you've slept, your body mostly feels numb, your brain unable to register the tense positions your body has been holding for the past two days. 

You've listened to Alex, to Eliza. You've eaten and showered and hydrated. Though you still don't have it in you to actually try to sleep or hold whole conversations for too long, and it's still terribly difficult for you to tear your eyes away from Kara for any real length of time, but you do make the effort and if the look on Alex's face and her finally having drifted off to sleep in one of the quarters is anything to go by, your efforts are worth it.

And so they come, you're mostly unsurprised by it, only mildly and truly only so by the fact that it seems to have taken them to so long. They must have come from the other side of the world and not been particularly keen either on doing this if the length of time is to be used as an indicator. 

You force yourself to press one last kiss to Kara's temple as you whisper a promise to be back soon before letting a stabbing ache wash through your body at having to leave her. You get a hold of yourself and deny yourself a backwards glance at her and walk out.

Your mother has adopted a facade of boredom, your brother of mischievous playful curiosity, a smile playing for wry though you note the simmering anger in his hard eyes as he converses with a lab tech beside the biometric monitor. He must be rusty if he hasn’t yet figured out what it actually needs in order for it to let him in. 

The scientists on your team working at that particular laboratory conspicuously take their leave when you enter, the undercurrent of wrath in your brother's faux jovial greeting washing over you like the waters of the arctic, but you stand tall and face them, back straight, head held high, your heart steady. 

"That's a highly inappropriate attire for business, dear." Your mother says at the sight of you. And sure, she's right. You're in a pair of jeans and an oversized turtleneck sweater to keep you warm, your cone heels the only concession to your still being in a workplace, not to mention the lack of makeup on your face, though your hair is at least pulled back in a severe ponytail instead of the tousled state it was in earlier when you were sitting by Kara's bedside. 

"I'm not working today, Mother." You say firmly. It's barely been half a minute, and it's the first words you're speaking to them, but you immediately feel the fatigue slinking in and lodging itself into your very bones. 

"And why is that, sister dear?" Lex finally speaks.

You consider your words for a long moment but it's the only words in your heart, the only words in your soul, the only words in your mind.

"My wife is still unconscious." 

It's not stupidity. It's not bravery nor is it anger. It's not a need to hurt, leverage or shock. Not even a need to unburden or even lay claim. At the moment it's nothing more than mere fact, nothing more than truth. The most precious and glorious of all your truths.

It's weeks in when you'll realize it's to give them a chance. One more chance. One _last_ chance.

But that particular day, you don’t recognize it for what it is. It's a day of numbness, a day of unnerving silence and cold faith. You don't really know what to think, how you expect them to react. With a semblance of humanity you think. Even just a semblance. So you're taking a stab, one you're not conscious of taking at all, at what little humanity is left of your only living blood.

Your mother's face morphs into fear. Not shock, but _fear,_ as she glances at your brother in front of her, her hand flying to cup her mouth. Her eyes are pained, sheer terror and so much you cannot name flitting in and out of her gaze as your brother stands before you frozen.

"What have you done?" She says, her voice breaking and your body is jumpstarted, your soul shrieking at her words. - _What have you done? What have you done? What have you done?_ -

_What have you done?_

And it’s rage. Rage. Hot, burning, blinding rage that courses through your veins. Your nerves are frayed. You are exhausted. Your _wife…_ your Superhero wife, the strongest person you know, the person you love most in this world, the one soul who sees and knows everything you are and still loves and accepts you, the very woman who has made you _her wife… your wife,_ is lying unconscious mere meters away and she asks you what _you’ve_ done? _You?_

_What have you done?_

“Get out.” You’re trembling with fury. Positively trembling and you don’t know how you’re not raving. 

They don’t speak. They don’t move. No one moves. You don’t know if anyone breathes, you think you don’t. 

“I will tender my resignation as soon as she is awake. Then I _never_ want to hear from either of you ever again.”

“Now, now, Lena.” Lex finally speaks and you tear your eyes away from your mother to look into his. His eyes are unreadable, but his tone is kind and soothing, placating. “There’s no need to make rash decisions. Your resignation would benefit no one. Mother was merely surprised, weren’t you, Mother?”

You mother’s face hardens at your brother’s words and her previous fear is gone from her face in an instant, replaced by such blatantly fake indifference you don’t know why she bothers. But there it is on her face when you brother turns to look at her, pushing her to respond. “Mother.” He says again, less a prompt, more an order to do so.

She makes to speak but stops, seemingly unable to get herself in enough control.

Lex smiles tightly at you and continues instead. “You must see, it’s quite a surprise, Lena. No invitation, not even a whisper of the plans. You’d think we weren’t _family._ ” And his eyes flicker with a blazing fire for a moment before it’s gone, his tone still placating. It’s the closest to a ramble you’ve ever heard from your brother, more used to his megalomaniac rants. “But nothing to worry about. A whirlwind romance. The impulsivity of the youth. You must not have had a proper honeymoon. You should take some time off. Go on a proper vacation. Celebrate the nuptials with your…” And that’s where he snags. He stops. Blinks slowly as if in a haze, gaze far away, mouth partially open.

“We would have gotten an appropriate gift if you’d thought to inform us.” Your mother finally cuts in. Her face now a mask of cool sincerity. “What would you like?”

Your eyes narrow at the inanity of her words. But she forges ahead. 

“Your father gave me a cabin in Aspen when we married. Your grandparents gave us a villa in Crete. Which would you like?”

“Mother.” You bite out.

“Why choose.” She says breezily. “Have both. I’ll send you the papers.”

“See?” Lex speaks again, in control of himself once more. “Mother’s come around. Just a bit of shock, I’m sure you understand. Take some time. And no more talk of resignations. You’re a Luthor, Lena. You are my blood. Nothing can change that. We’ll even forget that little stunt you pulled the other day. Call it a wedding present. If you’d told me, I’d have had her brought to you immediately, Lena. _You should have told me._ ” 

There’s a menacing hint to his last statement and it’s silence that follows. You’re still raging inside and your brother’s reaction does little to quell the rising fear as your mind keeps taking you back to the sheer undeniable terror that had accompanied your mother’s words. A fear your brother did not see. A fear your brother wasn’t supposed to see. 

Your heart pounds. It pounds and pounds and pounds, bringing that same terror to your whole body. You fight to stay standing and your mother’s eyes harden as she raises her head proudly and silently mouths _“Don’t.”_

And you fight. You fight not to fall, you fight not to cower. You raise your head as she had, you push it down. You push it as far down as you can until she nods imperceptibly and speaks.

“I think it’s time to leave, don’t you, Alexander?” She says airily, “Your sister has even more responsibilities to attend to now.”

“Of course.” He says, smiling, kind, _benevolent._ “Congratulations, my dear sister. You must come see me soon.” You fight not to flinch when he kisses your cheek. 

“Mother…” He says, turning to her, his eyes and tone hard. “I’ll give you two a moment. I’m sure you want to apologize.” 

He slips out of the laboratory and the second the doors close behind him, your mother’s fingers clutch tightly to your arm, her face falling, her earlier fear back, clear and undeniable on her face. 

"I can't protect you from _this,_ Lena." She sounds broken, broken in a way she's never ever sounded, broken in a way Lillian Luthor has never ever been, in a way you never ever considered she was capable of being. 

Your heart feels as though it's been torn to shreds. "When have you ever protected me, Mother?" 

“You may not be my blood, Lena, but you are my child.”

Your jaw clenches and you want to respond but you can’t. You don’t know what to say. You’re literally dizzy with fear and anger and confusion. Why is your mother afraid? _Why, why, why?_

But then you hear her voice and your heart stops, _the whole world stops._

“Lena…” You turn and see her still dressed in her supersuit, alive, awake, standing and nothing else matters.


	35. Now you do

It’s been over 12 hours since you’d woken, abilities intact, something for which you’re terribly grateful for after Lena’s stand-off with her brother and her mother, and though you’ve spent the majority of that in your own apartment, your own bed, Lena has still not gone to sleep. The pounding of her heart has abated and dulled, but it’s also not its usual steady rhythm that your very soul has memorized. 

“Come on.” You say, pulling away from her and getting to your feet. It’s driving you mad, seeing Lena like this.

“Where are we going?” she asks softly.

“Scotland.” You say. “The Isle of Skye.”

“Kara…”

“Now.” You ground out. 

She sighs. “We can’t go _now_ , Kara.”

“We can.” You insist. 

“Kara you were unconscious just hours ago—”

“So?” Your voice is rising and you take a deep breath to get your fear, no, your _anger_ in control.

“Kara, come back to bed.”

You cross your arms in front of you. “Get dressed, Lena.” 

“Don’t be ridiculous!” 

Anger. Fire. _Finally._

“Either _you_ fly us or I will.” You try to stare her down, really you do, but Rao, she’s _Lena._

“What’s going on, Kara?” She says softly, her eyes gazing gently into yours. 

No. You don’t want her to go back to that. 

“You’re letting them _in,_ Lena. You’re letting them tear us apart.”

Her eyes flash with anger, her brows furrow and she too crosses her arms, she’s distancing, building. No. No, no, no. You won’t let her pull away. 

“What are you?” You ask her forcefully, making your way back to the bed and sitting across from her. “What are you, Lena?”

“I…” She blinks. She’s lost in her own head. Your nails dig into your own arms as you fight not to reach out for her.

“Lena!” 

“I’m sorry,” she says, blinking again. And you don’t stop yourself anymore, you reach for her, gripping tightly to her arms.

“Lena, Lena, Lena…” You say her name over and over, willing her to come back.

“I’m _here._ ” She says, her voice breaking.

“You’re not.” You tell her. “You’re not. Come back, Lena. Come back to me.”

“I’m here, darling.” 

“What are you?”

“Your wife, Kara. I’m your wife.”

“Then don’t go. Don’t let them have you.”

“I’m not. I’m right here.”

“So am I. I’m right here. I’ve got you.”

But she’s shaking her head, she’s building that wall again, she’s going to pull away. 

“Don’t you dare, Lena Luthor. Don’t you dare.” You tell her hotly. “You are _my wife. Mine._ You swore. You promised. You made a vow.”

“I did.” She responds her eyes tearing. “I did. I am. I am, darling.”

"Stay with me, Lena. I'm here. I'm right here."

"But you weren't."

And yes, you weren't. She's right you weren't. But Rao, she's said it. She's finally said it.

"Be angry." You tell her, your voice cracking. "Be furious. It's okay. You can be angry, Lena. You don't have to hide it. You can be angry and afraid."

She shakes her head again as if to clear her head, drawing away from you. She stands, backing away until her back hits the dresser. 

"Please, Lena." You're close to begging. "Don't go, Lee. It's okay, I can handle it. I can handle anything if I've got you."

"And what about me?" She finally says. Her voice is steady but her eyes are flashing with such intense fire you fight not to flinch under her gaze. "What do I need?"

"Me." You say softly.

And she breaks, crumpling on the floor. She takes in a shaky breath and starts to sob and you immediately gather her up in your arms and place her on the bed, still in your arms, gently rocking her.

Your own tears fall, your heart breaking at what she's had to endure while you were out. It was her fear and anger that had woken you, her heart beating, racing, thrumming, pounding, wild, angry and afraid. You'd heard it, and you'd woken. Your wife, your Lena, so very very angry and afraid, her heart calling out for yours. You couldn't not wake. You couldn't not answer.

"I promised, Lee." You tell her softly, "I swore and I vowed."

"I didn't want the breaks in between, Kara." It's a broken cry and you clutch her tightly to you. "Not like that. Not _you._ "

"I know." You tell her. "I know, I know, I know."

"It wasn't even _him._ It wasn't him. And what's it going to be like when it's him?"

You can't answer. You want to crush him and negate all her fears, turn them in to dust and ash, make the winds carry them away ‘til they no longer hold any weight.

"And my mother's never been afraid like that. What does that mean? What does she mean?"

You kiss her temple and pull away from her enough so you can look into her eyes. "We don't let Lillian and Lex into our heads." You remind her.

"We have to if we're going to prepare for what's coming." She responds fiercely.

"Maybe. But not like that. Not like you're doing now." You say firmly. "Today we don't let them in. Today they stay out of our heads. They stay out of our hearts. They have no claims on our souls. Who does, Lena? Who has a claim on you?"

"You." She breathes out softly but this time her response is immediate. She's right there with you.

"Me." You affirm. "This is our home. Our bed. Our life. Today everything else, _everyone else_ stays out. Today it's you and it's me. Okay?"

"Okay." She replies. You press a kiss to her lips, quick, chaste.

"That means you get to be angry at _me._ That means you get to be scared about what happened. I've got you, Lee. I will always have you. That wasn't a break. There'll be no breaks in between. I won't lose you. You won't lose me. We won't let that happen."

"Okay." She says again, her eyes firm and clear.

"Okay." You echo. "Can you sleep or should we go?"

"Kara, we can't go -"

"We can." You say firmly, you can feel your anger being rekindled and Lena quiets, her eyes gazing into yours. "Only _you_ get to say what we can and can't do. You and no one else. Not your brother. Not the world. No deity on any plane. You, my wife, are the only one who gets to decide what does and doesn't happen in our lives."

"And you." It's fierce, ardent.

"That's easy." You tell her quickly. "I choose you. I will always choose you."

Her eyes shine with understanding and you finally breathe. You have her back. You have your wife back. 

"You're exhausted, Lena. Please go to sleep." You're pleading with her. She is. She's so exhausted you can feel the exhaustion radiating from her. 

"I... I'm afraid you'll be called away." she admits. "I don't want to wake up with you gone."

"You won't." You promise her. "I won't go anywhere. Barry's team has got it. But if I have to, I'll wake you. I'll wake you and _take_ you with me. No matter how dangerous it is. I'll take you with me if I have to go. _I promise._ "

The relief and _belief_ that breaks on her face warms, reassures and fills your heart with light. Her heart evens out and your eyes tear when it beats the steady thrum that's been imprinted onto your very soul. It's Lena. It's your Lena.

You cry more than you'd anticipated you were capable of in this moment but you'd also been afraid and the familiar beat of her heart takes your very breath away. She wipes your tears away and draws your face to her. She kisses you, deep and firm, deep and fervent, deep and burning.

"We'll go tomorrow." She breathes. "I'd go anywhere with you."

"I'd _stay_ anywhere with _you._ " You tell her. "You do want to go, don't you?" You're suddenly worried even though you know her. You know her, you do, but what if?

"I do." She assures you, her eyes glistening.

"Lee..." Your heart clenches. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen. I'm sorry I'm -"

“I know. But you never have to be sorry for being Supergirl.”

And Rao, your heart hurts. Because she’s perfect. She’s perfect. Even when you know she was afraid, even when you know a part of her is angry about what’s happened, she rises and perseveres. She’s strong, and tough and brave. Your wife, your Lena is strong and tough and brave.

“Can I be sorry for not being back as soon as I said I was going to be?” You ask and she replies with a watery chuckle before pressing a kiss to your lips.

“I told you I wasn’t going in anymore.” She says. “I don’t _ever_ want you to be sorry for who you are. I _was_ scared. And I _was_ angry. But not at you. I didn’t just marry Kara Danvers. I married Supergirl and Kara Zor-El. I married you, Kara. _All of you._ And if that means being angry and scared sometimes, then that’s what I’ll be. But I love you. All of you. Everything you are. You don’t ever have to apologize for being Supergirl, for wanting and having to save the world.”

“You get to be angry.” You tell her again. “You get to be scared.”

“I know… But I don’t _want_ to. I’ve got you, Kara. I don’t need to be angry and afraid anymore because I’ve got you here with me.”

“So now you’re really just mad at your mother and your brother?” 

“I trust _you_. I trust you to always come back to me. You made a _vow,_ Kara. And trust me, you _don’t_ want to know what happens if you break that promise.”

“Oh.” You say. 

And she sighs and says. “You see?”

“Yes.” Yes, you do see. 

“No one’s going to keep me from you. No one gets to keep you from me.”

“Not the DEO. Not your mother. Not you brother.”

“Nothing and no one.” She affirms. 

“I’ll always come back, Lee.” 

She smiles, small but genuine. “Just try not to take so long next time…”

“It wasn’t how our day was supposed to go…”

“No, it wasn’t.” She’s rubbing your cheek with the pad of her thumb. “Imagine, ice cream for breakfast?”

You gasp. “I missed ice cream for breakfast?!”

She’s laughing softly, her eyes doting, adoring, gentle. “I tried to tell you, but you didn’t wake up.”

“I’m sorry.” You kiss her. “Let’s still go.”

“For breakfast?”

“Or lunch. Or dinner. Whenever you wake up.” You clarify. “But Scotland too. Let’s go, Lee. Let’s just go.”

“I said that to you, you know? When you were unconscious.”

“I couldn’t hear…” You admit. “But I could feel you. I could hear your _heart._ You were okay, You were safe. And then you weren’t.”

“I was with you. I was with you and I was okay. And then I left and it was them and I wasn’t.” She explains. “I trust you, Kara. I trust you with everything I am.”

“You’re freaking out because they know.”

“I told them.”

“You did.”

“God, why did I tell them?” She’s pulling away, running her fingers through her hair in a nervous gesture. 

“Because it’s true.”

“Knowledge _is_ power, Kar. That’s why Lex is so dangerous. It was never the money. It’s not that he’s vicious. It’s how smart he is. And now he knows. And my mother was afraid. She was afraid _for me._ Lillian Luthor is doesn’t do scared, and certainly not for another person.”

“You’re not just another person, you’re her daughter, Lena.”

She doesn’t respond, just draws you to her and presses a kiss to your lips. You pull the covers over the both you when you pull apart, cupping her cheek when she’s pressed firmly against you once again. “It’s impossible not to love you, Lena. Even for people so far removed from reality, even for people so steeped in evil. If they’ve got one saving grace, it’s that they love you.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do.” You promise her. “It’s impossible not to love you. They couldn’t help themselves if they tried.”

And you believe it with every fiber of your being, with everything you are. You’d seen it in Lillian’s eyes. You’d known in her inability to not try to see her daughter, in her inability to hold a grudge for Lena’s blatant betrayals. You’d seen it in Lex’s. His bargain included _her._ Not his _mother_ but his _sister._ The very sister who had shot him. He wanted all of her intact, even if it would mean she saw through him too, even if it meant her wealth of reasons for having killed him still existed. He hadn’t wanted a puppet. He hadn’t wanted a toy. He wanted his _sister_ to share this reality with. 

And that realization fills you with dread. With fear. Earth-shattering fear. 

But you push it down. Because in this moment you have Lena. She is in your home, your bed, your arms. She is your home. She is your wife and you are hers. You know it’s what she’s been telling you about Lex all these months, but you also know that even she doesn’t quite realize the depths of that truth. But now you do.

Now you do.


	36. Take you away

The truth is Lena has nightmares and you are anxious.

You give her a few days, _a week,_ to get everything in order because despite her having turned down the CFO position, with her brother skipping off on a whim (though likely a lead) to Rao knows where at any and all days for weeks on end, she's really still mostly taking care of all the duties of one. She's mostly the CEO again in everything but name, really, though neither of you speak of it.

Andrea's memories have been restored and she's been apprised of who you are, with zero fanfare and the most matter-of-fact reveal. Kelly and Alex have been helping her, though Lena herself has had to go in and talk to her and you know despite Kelly's credentials, it's Lena's spirit and warmth that brings Andrea around. It's not easy to have your whole world upturned, your very reality shattered, and expect to simply be able to take the changes in stride. _You_ would know. 

The jury is still out on whether to bring William into the fold. Lena's vote is yes, of course, believing in truth and counting on his intelligence and discretion to help him make the correct decisions and take the safer paths, but not everyone is convinced. Funny enough, she's really the only one. But it's not a decision for you to make, not a responsibility for you to yet again take. And though you do care, William _isn't_ yours so you leave it for the rest of the family to decide on. 

For some reason, news of your marriage seems to have made a difference. It seems to have helped settle and calm Andrea and even Barry’s team seems to be enlivened and so very willing to take on more responsibilities for the foreseeable future. Alex says it's because of the hope and sense of stability it provides this new world. Yours and Lena's love and unity has somewhat endowed everyone with even more courage to brave these changes. It's as you'd told her before-In this reality you have Lena and she has you. This reality can't be all bad if it’s where you and Lena have found your ways to each other.

So Lena prepares her teams and you file for a leave. Andrea calls you in when she receives your request for it and for many long moments you stand across from each other in silence, eyes trained on each other, both gazes unflinching. And you know what it means. It's the loyalty Lena inspires in absolutely everyone. When finally she speaks, she tells you your leave is denied but that you're heading a travel column for an indeterminate future and you can begin by writing about your trip in whatever capacity you so choose. You know there's a lot more she wants to say but her lips are pressed in a tight line, her eyes fiery and challenging and you shake your head and give her a half shrug in acquiescence.

Your responsibilities are mostly squared away, the one perk of having as many Superheroes as you now have on one earth. Even Andrea's promised to keep an eye on William, though Maggie's mostly in charge. And you're grateful to your family, your friends. You love them and are glad to see that you and your wife can count on them. Because it's been more than enough. It's been so much for so long and the well's overflowed.

You need to get away, you need to get Lena away. 

Just for a little while. 

It needs to be her and you. Just her and you.

You don't need to do much more planning. You'd been dreaming of taking Lena away for months, the where’s cemented when she herself told you at your little practice date, and mere days from that night you'd already had dozens of places marked, a host of activities listed for all four seasons. And though summer and spring are ideal for the country, for _you,_ everything is ideal with Lena by your side, Lena in your arms.

You've made your reservations, a cottage by the ocean, gorgeous sunrises worthy of your love who's often awake far too early than is ever necessary. You've got a whole suitcase full of books, from Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky, to Vonnegut, Garcia Marquez and Atwood, to Heidegger and Husserl, Nietzsche and Sartre, and of course, de Beauvoir. You've got numbers and addresses of nearby bookstores for when Lena inevitably runs out, and you don't even have a single Kant text to keep her occupied.

But you're ready to go, raring to go. Just you and Lena, away from National City, away from this reality, away from her company, away from your villains, away from her brother, away from this world.

Just you. Just Lena.

\---  
It's her fifth nightmare in as many days and you're on edge. Lena's always so tough, always. And you hate how they're invading the peace and comfort of her dreams.

Your beautiful, strong, brave tough Lena who deserves all the peace and comfort of this world. Your Lena who reclaimed the water, who has refused to lose any more than she already has. You know of what's happened to her mother. You know of her drowning. But while Lena can't let go of her deep-seated guilt for something she has no business feeling guilty for, she's nonetheless refused the world any more than that. She revels in the ocean, the sound and sight of the waves, delights in the way they tickle and foam at her feet. You married her there. By the ocean. Claiming it as yours and hers. Claiming it for joy and new beginnings.

She is strong, your _wife,_ your Lena. And there's days, _every day_ really, when that _word_ is still not enough. She's so much more. She's always been so much more. But now she is too, and you don't think you've ever been happier.

But the days are drawing closer, you can feel it. You want to take her away. You _need_ to take her away.

Your fear is starting to take hold of you, you know that, and you're fighting against it. It wouldn't do for Lena to have to carry its burden too because you know you'll have to tell her. She's your Lena and you'll tell her. You'll never again keep anything from her. So you fight to get a hold of it instead, try to banish it out of existence. But it's strong and clawing, deep and dark, and so very very real. And soon you'll have to tell her, soon soon soon. But for now you're dying to get her away. Just you. Just her. The world can wait. It'll hold. It must.

You'll carve out this time for your wife. You'll carve out this time for you.

\---  
You know it'll come down to a fight.

You and him.

You're not afraid. But you're no longer ready either.

You now understand what Lena’s been saying. You do, better than she understands it herself. She doesn't know yet, she doesn't know anymore. She thinks it's possession. She thinks it's ego, pride and arrogance. And she loves him, but she knows she's lost him. So she doesn't understand he loves her too. Psychopaths can't love. They don't have empathy, they're incapable of it. But Lex Luthor does. It's his last shred of humanity left, his love for his sister.

But he is broken. He's very much broken— heart, mind and soul steeped in evil and cruelty, and his love for her is tainted, soiled, tarnished, sullied. It's a love blackened and corrupted but it’s the closest thing to it he can feel, and he feels it for _her._ He'll fight to keep her, fight to have her. But she's chosen you. _You._ And now he knows.

You're afraid of what that means now. You understand now and you're afraid. Not of him, not of fighting him, no not that, but of what it means for Lena. Because it isn't going to be cold. It isn't going to be calculated. It won't be logical or reasonable.

It'll be hot and raging and you'll die before Lena gets caught in the crossfire.

So you're not afraid. Not of him. But you're going to take Lena away. Just for a little while. 

Just her. Just you.

You'll make the nightmares go away, make her feel safe again. Make her forget _him,_ make her forget _her._ Make her forget you not waking.

You'll watch sunrises and sunsets, freeze in the ocean, take her on hikes, read book after book after book, talk about everything, absolutely everything she's ever thought, everything she's ever felt, every hope, dream, fear, regret disappointment. You want to know all of it, all of her. Everything, absolutely everything about her.

You'll make her breakfasts, lunches and dinners, you'll watch the clouds and the stars, you’ll watch the sky shift above you, you'll tell her about Krypton, about learning calculus at four, you'll tell her about Argo City, and you swear you'll take her there, take her to meet the woman who's given you life, your last real tie to your former life on a whole different planet. You'll take her for as long as she wants to stay, show her the very people whose lives she's saved by her genius. But it's far too tempting to do it now, you may not want to go back. Lex Luthor doesn't know how to get there yet, he cannot yet go. And you're not running, you're not. You're just taking time for her, time for you. But it's tempting. So very very tempting.

You'll tell her about Midvale. Tell her about how Alex had initially hated you, tell her about your guilt at breaking the Danvers apart. Maybe she'll make you believe you didn't ruin them. Maybe you can make her believe she isn't to blame for her mother's death. You'll tell her about your first real friend, yet another loss. You'll tell her in great detail exactly how many times she's made your pulse race in the past three years, the very many times you'd gotten lost in your imaginings of just drawing her into you and confessing your love for her. And oh there were many. There were far too many for it to have been properly buried deep inside your soul. It's why your sister knows. It's why your sister has always known. You could never bury it deep enough.

Because it truly is impossible to not love Lena Luthor.

You'll take her to the Fairy Pools, you'll drag her into the freezing water and hold her tightly in your arms as she squeals at the cold, because you know she will, she will and yet she'll love it and push herself further into you, and kiss you until you're breathless even as she's freezing. Because that's Lena. That's your Lena filled with love and light and safe. And she is. In your arms she is and always will be.

You'll fly her over the edge of Mealt Falls, hold her close as the water rushes and rages, loud, so loud only its sound will fill your ears and minds. And you'll kiss her there too, floating, flying, out in the cold, easily keeping the rest of the world out.

You'll catch a sunset at the Glen, sunrises at the Quiraing. You'll take her anywhere and everywhere. _Any_ where. _Every_ where. For as long as she wants. For as long as it's with her.

Before everything unravels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, btw, much of this little arc (30-36) was written with Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi literally on repeat for hours on end as well my having watched the Supercorp vid on youtube by hailhorrorx. What it directly traslated to in this arc, I don't actually know, but I quite enjoyed that vid so if you haven't come across it yet and you've got 2 mins to spare, I personally think it's well worth the time. 
> 
> As always, hope you are all safe and sane!


	37. You, Me and the Sky (Part I)

Your wife makes more than just _a_ friend within the first fifteen minutes of your being in town and it both amuses and breaks your heart that she ever thought and said you were her only friend in National City. You had understood, of course, on an intellectual level, but without the shadows of the past, it's positively impossible to not be drawn by Lena's light.

You watch now, silently marveling a ways off at how she's enthralled a group of children by fixing an old remote control car they're playing with. There's a lot of cheering and such sincere and genuine happiness from the children and soon enough she's telling them how to make their own at home so they can all have one. There's so much excitement, and quite a few hugs doled out by some of the younger children, and even the older ones are practically bouncing next to her still firing question after question at her while the more fastidious ones start to take notes. Not long after, she's giving one mother her mobile number and she's setting a time and promising the children she'll be back over the weekend to help them make the cars together once they're able to gather the materials.

It takes over half an hour but you don't have it in you to tear Lena away from it, not when her own eyes are sparkling in excitement at what you know is practically engineering for babies, but your wife loves what she loves, and the adoring, ecstatic looks on the children's faces don't help either. When she walks back towards you, a sheepish smile on her face, it takes everything in you not to kiss her senseless with so many young, innocent eyes on you, so instead you pull her to you, press a quick kiss to her head and finally drag her to the grocer's.

You purchase enough provisions to last the week, you'll be going into town again soon enough anyway so Lena can deliver on her promise to help the children build their own toys, before you finally head to the cottage you've rented.

You're pleasantly surprised to find that the view is even more spectacular than your research had indicated and you quickly use your heat vision to light the portable fire pit on the patio and usher Lena into a Muskoka, wrapping a blanket around her, urging her to rest and relax, and enjoy the last vestiges of daylight while you put all your things away.

It takes quite a bit of doing, convincing your wife to settle and leave everything for you to take care of, but you finally manage, albeit with a lot of eye rolling on her part and your blatant ignoring of her pout. It takes you longer than it should, even with your super-speed. You're drawn to the peaceful and happy expression on Lena's face more than a handful of times and each time you're snapped back to finishing what you've set out to do by her eyes seeking yours. You power through the last of it when she threatens to get up from her seat and help if you're not outside with her by the time the sun has actually set and it gets dark. So you power through it and finish, remembering to light the fireplace before you head out so Lena doesn't freeze when you come back in.

You steal one last moment to watch her just be, eyes on the horizon, her heart and breathing comfortable and steady, before you're lifting her into your arms, stealing her seat and setting her in your lap, keeping her firmly ensconced in your arms.

She laughs as you press kisses to her neck, and you breathe her in, her scent familiar and comforting, intoxicating and enthralling. Everything about Lena enthralls and mesmerizes you.

You bask in her presence, the comfort of her silence, the peace having her safe in your arms provides you. And your heart beats, steady and calm, your world safe and perfect and whole.

\---

Lena has another nightmare your first night there, and you're quick to wake her, quick to wipe her tears away as they fall down her cheeks. You pull her up and into your arms, kissing her cheeks, her lips, her temple, her hair. You'll hold her for as long as she needs, you'll hold her until she calms, you'll show her you're there, you'll show her you're safe, she's safe, your world is whole and safe. And when she whispers her worries and her fears, you listen. You listen and hold her and kiss her until her load lightens, her chest unburdens, her heart steadies.

It was an honor to marry Lena Luthor. The highest honor of your life, your greatest dream, the most precious of achievements - to be allowed to love and have Lena Luthor. And you'll do as you've vowed: you'll love and cherish her for forever; you'll love and adore her, love and see and know and respect her for always. You'll waste no time and make sure she knows how deeply you love her, you'll squander no moment and make sure she understands how beautiful, spectacular, wonderful and utterly precious she is.

And when her eyes lighten, the shadows of the night, the shadows of corrupted dreams falling to the eaves, you'll let them lie, cast off, forgotten, dust and ash. You take her with you once again, blankets and cushions on the patio, fire and your arms keeping her safe and warm as you wait for the sun to bless you with a new day.

It's how you spend the next few days with her and it's amazing. _She_ is amazing. You don't go anywhere, merely staying in the cottage, only getting as far as the patio for sunrises and watching the sky bathed in starlight come nightfall. She's quiet, sometimes lost in her head, but your soul is calm, the beating of your heart is steady. A kiss brings your Lena back, a touch brings your wife back, and for as long as she keeps coming back to you, for as long as she keeps letting you in, letting you see, you'll wait until she's ready. Because you are happy. Your heart and soul are happy and content and satisfied in a way you've never ever been without Lena.

Alex is right, of course she is. There are levels to happiness and you've been happy before. But the happiness you have from being with Lena... It's incomparable. You watch her sometimes, _often,_ her fingers flicking at pages she devours, eyes alight with knowledge and adventure or when she's quiet, deep in thought, looking out into the horizon and your heart beats. It beats and thrums, racing and racing and racing with love and contentment and you know it's a feeling you've never felt before, just as you know it's something only her presence, and mere thoughts of her elicit.

She's smiling softly at you now, catching _you_ lost in your own thoughts and she's beckoning you over with a curl of her finger, her eyes bright, that smile now hinting at teasing. You put your book down, not bothering to mark your page, it's hardly your first foray into transcendentalism but it's not holding your attention as well as the magical realism texts have been holding it as of late and you'll likely abandon it for more of the same soon enough.

"Hi." Lena breathes into you before she pulls you in for a kiss.

"Hi." You say back, your forehead against hers.

"Thoreau not doing it for you?" She teases.

"Thought it was fitting. Being out here and all."

And she laughs. "You're dying to get back to your Murakami and your Atwood, aren't you?"

"Heeey," you whine, "I can do the classics."

"But you don't _want_ to." she teases.

"I'm trying for growth and change. Trying to expand my repertoire."

"Kind of a big word, that."

"Not just a pretty face, you know."

"But certainly a very pretty one." She replies, suddenly serious and undeniably sincere. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, Kar. You're always telling me _I_ am, but darling, the sight of you takes my breath away. _All the damn time._ "

"Charmer." You say, choked up by the raw honesty in her voice, her eyes.

You love her. So much. So very very much.

She laughs, soft and light. "I'm all for growing and changing but I hardly think you want to suffer the Transcendentalists at a time like this."

"It's the perfect place for it." You say, not bothering to tell her you're not likely to pick up the text anyway for the rest of your stay.

"You know what this place is really perfect for?" She asks, eyes sparkling mischievously.

And yes you do, of course you do, all the places in the world are the perfect place to make love to Lena Luthor, and this one is certainly _not_ an exception.

So you press into her, your fingers skating at her stomach, and you swallow the moan it draws from her. "I love you, Lee." You tell her and your breath catches when her eyes, dark and scorching gaze into yours.

"Show me." She says, low, hot and demanding.

You do. And fuck if you won't always will.

\---

The nightmares don't come that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So unlike the last itty bitty arc where I have little idea exactly how my song choice on repeat had affected it, it's much clearer how this one has. Much of this one was written with Weight of the world by Jon Bellion which I only stumbled upon because I was positively entranced by the Kara/Lena youtube vid created to that by kiplng. Watch it and 3 guesses why that happened. I'd give a clue but gosh, it's so obvious it would be overkill. And no, nothing about this story is particularly dark, and this arc is also not an exception, but the fire, the chosen scenes and lines and emotions of the vid was enthralling and I hope that's been interwoven into all this arc's chapters. Otherwise having Mon-El in my head was all for nothing. Seriously, I must be at least 300 views of this video not to mention playing the song on spotify on a loop for days.
> 
> Anyways, stay safe and sane, as always!


	38. You, Me and the Sky (Part II)

There are things you learn about Kara that you hadn't had the pleasure and privilege of knowing in the past years and months you've known her. And it _truly_ is both a pleasure _and_ privilege.

For one thing, she's obsessed with sunrises and sunsets, even more than you are, and that's certainly saying something considering your L-Corp balcony wasn't exactly built to welcome and give Supergirl a private entrance, though it's maddeningly embarrassing that that's its primary reason now, especially when you remember exactly what sort of things had transpired during those last few visits- the words your _wife_ and _insatiable_ certainly come to mind- yet another piece of knowledge you'll make damn sure is yours and hers alone. Another is how she stops reading in the middle of a page, throws her whole body down, hugs the book to herself, closes her eyes and just _imagines_ the very words she’s just read come alive, and you now understand her penchant for the marvelous and fantastical. 

There’s little things and there’s big things, and so very very many in between. There’s some that stop your heart—the way her eyes track every move you make, the way she looks at you like you’re literally everything she’s ever wanted, the way she says the very words, her breath ghosting at your skin. And you _think_ , you _remember_ , you _know_ , once, twice, a handful of times in the beginning, she’d told you that you are worth all the stars in the universe. And the way she holds you, the way she looks at you, you don’t at all doubt it anymore. Kara loves you. Kara loves you with all that she is. And it’s not a love born from grief, loss and fear. It’s a love born of everything she is, all the goodness and purity of her soul. And you are grateful and privileged to be hers and have her be yours. 

And yes of course she sometimes is afraid. And so are you. The greater the happiness, the more you have to lose, and the greater the fear is of its loss. It’s the most _you_ have ever had, and screw everything in the universe if it’ll keep you from her, from your forever. But you don’t have to do it alone, you never have to do it alone anymore, not ever again. 

Sometimes (often) you watch her, as she prepares lunches and dinners, breakfasts are now _yours,_ you’ve had to claim it, as she’s so hell-bent on you not doing a thing and just relaxing. You’re giving her time, you’re giving her space, you know the nightmares hadn’t just been yours to bear, they’d been hers too. It’s another thing you’ve learned about Kara. She’ll help you carry your burdens, your load, anything you have to bear, and she’ll see it as a gift, an honor, to be allowed to do so. You don’t know how you’ve married a _saint,_ but you have. 

You’ve had five nightmare free nights, and your chest feels lighter than it has since the attack. You may not have been afraid for your life but you had been afraid of what it would do to Kara. And you’re grateful to the heavens that she’s no longer buried under all her fears. You pray she trusts you to find your way to her, because you’ll certainly make it a reality – you and her forever.

The incident with your mother and your brother have not been forgotten. The worry, anxiety and fear have just dimmed, quelled by Kara’s light and love. It’s hard to see anything past the brightness of your wife’s light, hard to feel anything other than safe and loved when at every second, at every minute, every heartbeat of hers seems to call out to yours beating and beating and beating its love for you. And you hope it hears its resounding response that you love her too. So you do worry about your mother, your brother, but significantly less so with each passing day. Your mother’s terror no longer haunts your dreams, your brother’s faux benevolence your waking days, and his inability to call Kara your _wife_ the rest of the time in between. Because she is. She _is_. Kara _is_ your wife and it’s a fact you’re never going to regret. A fact you will delight in all the rest of your days.

You don’t at all look forward to returning to your life in National City. You do think about Luthor Corp in passing, you think about the projects, what havoc your brother must be wreaking in your absence, but again, it’s becoming increasingly easier to shut it all out and not care. You hope your projects are safe, you hope your city is safe, you hope the world is safe. But right now, everything but your wife is on hold. 

Kara was right. You had been angry. You had been afraid. She had fallen and wouldn’t wake, and your sheer faith in her was all that had kept you from completely falling apart. Kara knows how you love her. She must. You love her with everything you are, absolutely everything you are, and you cannot, _will not_ imagine this world without her. And so you’d waited, hoping, trusting, believing, that your Kara would come back to you. You know how Kara loves you. She wouldn’t leave you, not without a fight, and even then, you know she’ll let nothing keep her from you. But you’d been angry and afraid. And while her light and love have more easily quelled the destruction and heartbreak born of your blood, born of your name, her having been unresponsive and lost to you still makes your heart ache. But her light is helping. Her light and her calm, her strength and her _bossiness._ It’s all helping. You chose a hero, you loved a hero, you married a hero. You’ve got to make every moment count. Because it’s worth it. There’s not a moment of loving Kara that isn’t worth it. 

\---

You’ve been on the Isle for over a week, and still you’ve only been into town twice, the first when you’d gotten in, the second a few days ago to procure more provisions and to help the kids put together their own RC cars. And you think it must be Kara, because despite the fact that it’s freezing out and you’ve been nowhere but the cottage and town, you’ve still never had a more perfect trip or vacation. Kara’s very presence makes everything perfect for you and you should have seriously always known you were fucked because it had kind of always been like that. Kara’s right, you do defy the odds even when you don’t mean to. Kara had walked into your office and your heart had fallen. You’d known it had, you just hadn’t realized you’d be here, married, and still falling. So in essence, maybe you don’t defy it at all. You _had_ fallen for your best friend, as surely as you’re still falling for your wife at _every moment_ of _every day._

“Babe,” Kara calls from the kitchen and your heart races. You roll your eyes at your own reaction to her, stifling a groan at how inane you feel at your heart tripping at such a term of endearment and how it makes your body react. “Want to go on a short hike to the Cuillins tomorrow?”

“Darling, it’s freezing out.”

“I could fly us out… We can have a picnic at the cliffs or by the ridge.”

“Will you keep your hands to yourself?” You tease. The last time you two had had a picnic out, after Christmas, after the wedding, back in National City, she certainly hadn’t and you can’t help but still blush at the memory of what you two had gotten up to when someone could’ve easily chanced upon you.

“Uh, no.” She says, brows furrowed as though it’s the stupidest question known to man.

She sweeps you into her arms when you laugh.

“Do you really want me to?” She asks hotly.

“God, no.” You’re quick to reply. “But it _is_ freezing. Are you bored of me already?”

And she looks taken aback, pulling away from you slightly, blinking dazedly as though you’ve asked her one of the greatest mysteries of the universe. “I could watch you _be_ for an eternity and it still wouldn’t be enough. There is nothing about you that doesn’t make me fall deeper in love with you every moment of every day. I look at you and my heart is full to bursting with light, your eyes look into mine and nothing else exists, your hand touches mine and I _want_ you. Rao, Lena, I _want_ you.”

You do exactly that, your hand reaching for hers, fingers skating at her wrist before threading them with hers. Her head drops onto your shoulder, her fingers clutching tightly to your waist. You know what she means. You feel that way too. There are literally times where her hand just reaches out for yours and your body is rocked by desire so great from that one simple touch that you feel as though you’d suffocate without her lips on you, her in you. 

“I know.” You say, rough and low, desire crashing into you in waves. “I know, Kar. There’s not a moment _I_ don’t want _you._ ”

“Lena…” And it’s strangled, her eyes dark dark dark with desire.

“Let me show you forever, Kar.” You say, pushing her onto the mattress. “Let me show you forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still squeeing over weight of the world (kara/lena) by kiplng (I probably will for weeks to come) so if last chapter's note wasn't enough to get you to watch it, I'm urging you to do so again. 
> 
> Seriously in the span of me formatting this chapter I've watched/listened to it another 5 times. Why it took me that long to format this onto here I'm not sure either, but well yeah, it really was another 5 times. 
> 
> Enough rambling from me! 'Til next time!


	39. You, Me and the Sky (Part III)

"Darling... I _am_ sorry. You know that, don't you?"

You sigh. "I _know,_ Lee."

"Then why won't you let me say it?" her voice is soft and she's not looking at you, her eyes trained on the ceiling.

"Because it brings me back to a time where you didn't love me."

"I've _always_ loved you." She's still not looking at you but you see the angry set of her jaw and hear the force behind her words.

"Not like this." You sigh.

"Kara..." she begins. "The way I love you today isn't the way I loved you yesterday. The way I loved you the first time I met you and didn't even know you, the day I fell for you. It wasn't how I loved you when you became my only friend, my best friend. I used to _despair_ at how much I felt for you, how much I loved you. But I've always loved you. _Even then._ You know that. You do... Don't you? "

You sigh again. "I do. But I almost lost you. And I don't want to go back to that."

"But we have to."

"We don't."

"I'm sorry I walked away from us, Kara."

You don't reply. There's things you understand. There’s so very much you understand. You'd forgiven Lena for everything she's done, the lying, the hiding, the intentional betrayal. The Kryptonite, stealing Myriad and trapping you into the fortress. Getting lost and not immediately understanding the implications of Non Nocere, even what she’d done to Eve though it’s not something for you to absolve her for. She's apologized for it before, all of it, and you've forgiven her before. But Lena knows you. Your wife, your Lena, knows you. 

"I can handle anything, Lena... I _have._ "

"I know." She says. "I just didn't see. I didn't understand. I didn't know, Kar."

"You know now?" You ask firmly. There's a slow low burning anger in your chest. "You understand now? You see now? Do you?"

"I do, Kara." She swears, she's looking at you now, eyes shining with tears.

"You're not going to again. Not even if you think it's to save my life." You press, it's a demand, a plea, a prayer.

"Never. Not ever again."

"Not ever again. Because Lena... There's nothing that can save me from _that._ " You say as you finally press into her, hiding your face at the crook of her neck as tears you hadn't even realized you'd had start to fall.

"I'm so sorry, darling."

You press a kiss to her neck, her jaw. "You weren't a fool, Lee. You weren't less. You weren't ever less. You were always the most important."

She's rubbing your back, pressing a kiss to your temple. You kiss her pulse, your fingers digging into her hip, pulling her as close to you as possible. "I'm sorry you ever felt that. I'm sorry I ever made you feel like that, but you know it's not true right? You know now that's not true at all."

"I know," she breathes. "I know. Every day you've shown me. Every day you make sure I know. And it's okay to let go. You held on for both of us."

"Oh, Lena. Don't you see you held on too? It would have destroyed me if you'd left. And it hurts, the memory of you pushing me away, of you pulling away. But you didn't _leave._ There's nothing to forgive. I just couldn't stand it if you pulled away again. Don't you understand that's why I was so angry you drew those damned blinds? I couldn't _stand_ it, Lena. I couldn't stand you shutting me out like that."

"I thought you didn't know. I thought you didn't realize I wasn't. I really wasn't... I just couldn't put myself out there again. I couldn't risk it. I felt so broken." she says, her voice doing just that, breaking. "I thought you'd given up. I thought it was too much, that what I'd done was too much, that I was too much. And it hurt _so_ much. And I just kept staring and staring and _staring_ at those damn balconies, just wishing and praying you'd come back again. And I was still so so angry and so torn up, but I just wanted you to come back and not give up. I wanted... I _needed_ to see you were really holding on, that you were really fighting to keep me, fighting to keep _us._ "

"I was, Lee, of course I was. And I'm sorry I ever gave you cause to doubt that."

"I couldn't have left, Kar."

And you snort. "You could have _tried._ But Rao, I wouldn't have let you."

"Flown me back?"

"If I had to." You admit, finally pulling away enough to look at her face. There are tear tracks on her cheeks and you wipe them off gently with the pad of your thumb. "I'd have done anything to make you see, make you believe the truth."

"You did. You're still doing it."

"I'll do it forever, Lena." You promise her. "I'll do it forever."

\---

“Why do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Create this… _space._ ” She looks dumbfounded for a moment before she’s laughing and launching herself into your arms. You’re caught so off-guard that you fall back onto the mattress, her on top of you, her lips stealing your very breath with a deep kiss. 

“Darling, did you think I was kidding? That I was exaggerating? Don’t you understand I feel it too?” She asks you heatedly when she pulls away. “You look at me and my blood ignites, you touch me and everything falls away and I can barely think. And darling, you’re _always, always_ touching me and when you are I can barely remember anything outside of you exists on the best of days, and on the worst of days all I can think about is how much I want to touch you and make you forget everything outside of you and me.”

“Now why would that be the worst of days,” You ask cheekily. 

“Because there’s a world to save, love.”

“Not today.” You tell her, beaming at her.’’

Her eyes gleam, “No,” she agrees, “not today.”

\---

“Do you remember what you said that morning?” She asks. It’s the middle of the night, the fire low, down to mostly glowing embers, and you pull her towards you to make sure she doesn’t feel cold. 

“Which one?”

“Kar,” she whimpers against you, heart racing and racing.

“What?”

“This is what I mean.” She sighs, “You pull me into you and I just stop thinking.”

You laugh, but it’s cut off by her lips on yours, hot and demanding. “Fuck, Kara.”

“Lena…”

“And God, the way you say my name.” She breathes. 

“How could you not have known I was _madly_ in love with you? And for so long too?” You ask her hotly, your hand cups her breast and she gasps, arching against you. “You’re a goddess, Lena. Untouchable. Only you couldn’t see it. But you were. The very sight of you would make my world stop. You were all I could see, all that existed. And _you_ couldn’t see it.”

“You couldn’t see how I felt either.” She responds when your lips latch to her pulse, breathy. “I have loved and wanted you for so long…”

“Now I’m yours. And you’re mine.”

“That. _That._ Do you know what that does to me?” She groans throatily into your ear. “Do you know what that does to me _every fucking time._ ”

“Yes.” You tell her, because you do. You know exactly what it does to her. 

“See what it does to me? What _you_ do to me?” You ask her, pressing her hand against you, and she moans, pushing in and nipping at your neck making _you_ gasp. 

“Lena…” Because her name is the one thing you hold on to, the one thing you remember even when you can’t remember your own.

“Let _me_ love you forever, darling.” She tells you, deep and low, fervid and ardent, and hot hot hot. 

“Please, Lena.”

“Fuck,” she groans again, her fingers curling in you. “Tell me what you want, Kara. Say the words.”

And fuck fuck _fuck,_ you do. 

\---

“Do you have any idea how difficult it was to let you walk out that door that first morning?” You ask her. Her back is pressed firmly to your front, your hand cupped possessively around her breast and she gives a soft hum, half asleep. “Lena.” You say, kissing the back of her neck, waking her, bringing her back to you, and she groans softly before leaning her head further back towards you as her hand cups around your free hand bringing it down to intoxicating heat. 

“Rao, Lena.” You feel heady with desire at the feel of her and everything else is quickly falling away again. 

“Again.” She moans, shuddering in pleasure as you enter her. “Do you know how difficult it’s been to let _you_ fly out at all hours of the day and night? I’ve prayed more in the past few months than I have my _entire life._ And I don’t think I ever believed He existed. But I need him to, Kara. I need you to come back to me.”

“I wouldn’t let any god keep me from you.”

“I know. _I know._ ” She tells you, breathless. “It’s the only thing keeping me sane.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for Gabi who once upon a time asked for more… _physical_ intimacies. 
> 
> Your valuable insight and opinions during our chats have gotten me fired up enough to write so much of this story, truly, and because this story makes me happy on so many levels, I absolutely owe you an eternal debt of gratitude. 
> 
> P.S. Is it wrong that I squee at my own chapters because even I’m drowning in all the love?


	40. You, Me and the Sky (Part IV)

You've finally made it out of the cottage, Kara's got you watching the sunset at Neist and though you _are_ freezing, you're also ready to brave the cold with her by your side, excited to watch the setting of the sun in one of the most beautiful spots on the planet. You've got a surprise for her tomorrow too, transmat portals do certainly come in handy for wooing your own wife.

"Come here." She says, reaching out a hand for you and you back away laughing lightly.

"Not a chance, Kar." You tell her. "It’s too cold. You remove even one layer you're not going to have a wife to take back to National City."

"I don't need to strip you for that, Babe."

And god damn this woman, you're instantly a couple of degrees warmer and drawn, always always drawn and you press into her side as she pulls you in even closer, as close as she can get you.

“Thank you for making us come here.” You tell her, kissing her pulse.

“Look who’s starting.” She teases. “We’ll miss the sun setting if you don’t keep your lips to yourself.”

You laugh and do it again, this time also nipping at her ear lobe, simply because you _can,_ and yes, because you _want_ to, because it _is_ difficult not to when you’ve got her alone like this.

“Let’s never go back, Lee.” She says with a soft comfortable sigh. You kiss her cheek and tilt her head so you can look into her eyes as she speaks. “Everywhere is home when I have you. Let’s make this home.”

“You said that, you know. Before.” You tell her. Her brows furrow, confused so you continue. “You called my apartment _home._ ”

“I did.” She says smiling. “Because that day we were staying there. And anywhere you were was home.”

“I hoped I was right,” You admit. “I wasn’t sure… but the way you’d hold me even then.”

“Like I never wanted to let you go?”

“Yes.” You kiss her lips. “From that morning at your place.”

“You let me have you, Lena. I wasn’t going to let go.”

“You knew then, didn’t you?”

“I’d hoped…” She admits. “But I didn’t _know,_ not for _sure,_ not for a while. I thought… I was scared you would still change your mind. And I just thought… I had to tell you, I had to show you how much I loved you, how much you meant to me, so if you decided that was it, that I hurt you too much, that you couldn’t trust me again, that you didn’t want me in your life again, you’d know how absolutely amazing you were. Because I loved you so much, Lena. That’s why I couldn’t tell you for so long. I knew how much it was going to hurt you, how it would make you feel like you weren’t good enough to be told the truth. And I didn’t want to put you through that. I never wanted to put you through that so I just kept putting it off. The world’s hurt you enough, Lee. I didn’t want to do it too even though I knew that’s what I was doing by still keeping it secret. I kept thinking, I kept telling myself, one more day. Just one more day for me to have my best friend, for me to not hurt my best friend. For me to keep us, because even though that was all we were, you still let me love you then. Until you found out, and you didn’t.”

“I know, darling. You’ve told me, you’ve shown me. I know.” You tell her, sighing into her neck. 

“You let me _hold_ you, Lena. You let me hold you. Every night you stayed. Every night you let me _stay, wanted_ me to stay. It couldn’t be absolutely certain but it was hard not to hope. It was so hard not to feel it when you were there, so so close, holding me too. When did _you_ know?”

And you stop to think. Because in hindsight, Kara’s always showed you how much she loves you, even when you hadn’t been together yet. But that’s not what she’s asking now. “For sure? I don’t know. I think… It was a long time coming. It was the little things. But the way you said you would never love anybody the way you love me... I couldn’t get it out of my head. Even though you said it was because I was your best friend. Because I loved you too. I loved you so so much. And you were so angry, so hurt when you asked me not to walk away from us. You said it would _kill_ you. And darling, that’s not what friends say, not what they feel, not even _best_ friends. And it was killing _me_ to push you away even through all my pain and anger. So I thought if you felt even a little of what I felt for you, maybe you loved me like that too. And then after that morning… every day, every night since then... I was still so scared but you were there and you kept on reaching for me, you just kept taking my hand and not letting go. Like it was literally painful for you to not be touching me. And I just couldn’t anymore. I couldn’t not be there too, I couldn’t not be with you, I couldn’t let go.”

“It better have been how you felt about Andrea.” She says seriously.

And God, she’s impossible. “Kara!” 

She flashes you a wide grin in the next instant. “You may have given her a large vase of flowers but you _filled_ my office with dozens upon dozens of them.”

“Oh, darling,” you sigh at her, “how did you not know?”

She only kisses you in response, pulling you into her lap and turning you towards the horizon as the sun is starting to set. It was her idea to watch it and it’s truly the most breathtaking sunset you’ve ever witnessed, and yet, Kara presses kisses along your neck for most of it, and you know what she’s trying to tell you, what she _is_ telling you. Her very soul touches yours and tells you you’re more beautiful than any sunset she’s ever going to see. And for the millionth moment in your life, you fall further in love with her than you ever thought was possible. 

\---

You’re standing a street away from the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam and she’s squealing and bouncing next to you and you take her firmly by the waist to make sure she doesn’t accidentally float in excitement. “Really?” She squeals for the fourth time.

“Really,” You tell her also for the fourth time.

“Aren’t you even going to tease me Van Gogh’s my favorite even though he must be the favorite of half the population?”

“Darling, his work is transcendental. And I’d wager the masses don’t feel nearly as deeply as you do about his work. They’re probably only aware of the more popular pieces.”

“So no teasing?” 

“Not til we’re back home.” You promise, winking at her, “And definitely a different kind.”

“Lena…” 

And fuck, you know what she’s thinking and it’s totally your fault. You steel yourself. “Show me how much you love your surprise _after_ you’ve seen _everything,_ darling.”

“You can’t keep looking at me like that.” She whines.

You laugh, hooking your arm with hers and pulling her forward. “Come on, love, tell me about every single one.”

\---

“Want to go to the Musée d'Orsay tomorrow?” You ask her, and you bite back a groan as she grazes a particularly tender spot on the ankle she’s massaging. 

Her eyes narrow at you, shooting you a low glare before she’s rubbing lightly against it. “We’re staying in.” 

“Come on, darling, I know you love your impressionists.”

“No.” She says firmly, still glaring at you.

“It’s not even a sprain! You checked!”

“We’re staying in. That’s it.” 

You pout and you see her resolve waver just the slightest bit before she’s glaring at you again. 

“You promised me a trip to the Loch an Eilein and Cairngorm. And who knows when we’ll have to head back.”

She blinks blankly at you for a moment. “Just a few days ago I had to drag you out of here, now I can’t get you to stay in for just a day to rest your feet.” You make to speak but she interrupts you, frowning a little. “And we’re not heading back. Not soon. Not until we want to, not until we’re ready.”

You look at her, your head tilted to the side as you take in the set of her jaw, the fierce fire in her eyes. “Tell me.” You say softly.

She sighs, looking away. 

“Kara.” You say firmly as you crawl over to her on the opposite side of the couch, wincing slightly at the sharp pain in your foot. She glares at you again as her arms hold you safe and steady against her as you sink into her lap. “Okay, so maybe I’ll stay off it tomorrow. We’ll stay in. You can even make breakfast.”

Her response is a beatific smile on her lips and you roll yours eyes at her as she kisses you. “I love you, Kara.” You tell her. “We’ll have to go back some time.”

“Not yet,” She tells you, still firm, but soft now too. Her eyes flicker with something you can’t quite read. 

“Okay.” You tell her. “Not yet. Not soon.”

“Do you want to go back?” She’s kissing your cheek, holding you close and you try to identify her tone. 

“No.” You assure her. “Not yet. Not soon. I just don’t want to run out of time seeing everything with you. I want…” And your voice catches, you suddenly have to fight to keep the cascading emotions from spilling out.

“What do you want, _love_?” She asks, pulling away from you and looking deeply into your eyes. It’s as though she’s trying to see into your very soul. “Tell me and I’ll give it to you. I’ll make it happen.”

“You, Kar.” You tell her, fighting to get the words out without falling apart. “I want _you_ forever.”

“You _do_ have me forever.”

And fuck, you’re going to fall apart even though you really really don’t want to. But she is yours and you are hers. And you’d promised, you’d vowed. “There’s no world to save here, Kar. Not for me, not for you. Every day is ours. Yours and mine. But it’s like before. It’s going to run out. And I don’t want it to, but it will. You know it will.”

“You decide what happens, remember? You decide what’s in our world and what isn’t. Choose, Lena. Choose and that’s all there’ll be.”

“You.” You fight to keep your voice from breaking, but it does anyway. “You’re all I want in my world, Kara. Each and every day you’re all I want in it.”

“Then we won’t let _anything, anybody_ else in.” She says firmly. “Do you trust me?”

“With everything.” You say fiercely. 

“Good. Nothing and no one is getting in. Just you. Just me. Nothing and no one but us. For as long as we say.”

“But what if I do want it forever?” Your chest is seizing because here she’s safe. For now, in this place, everything is beautiful and safe.

“Then we’ll make it last forever. You and me, Lena, we can make anything happen.”


	41. You, Me and the Sky (Part V)

You’re feeling more than slightly dazed. You’d woken to Lena’s mouth on you and after the blissful high she’s just taken you to, you’re barely able to remember to breathe. She’s still pressing kisses to your stomach when your head clears enough and you’re pulling her up, against you so you can kiss her. It’s deep and hungry, deep and wanting, deep and insatiable because that’s precisely what Lena makes you feel, like nothing short of everything about her, everything she _is_ , will ever be enough. 

\---

It’s over breakfast that you confess that to her, yogurt topped with berries and strong, strong coffee, your compromise when Lena so prettily asks to be allowed to help. Of course her helping had led to you depositing her, half-naked on the counter, the fire roaring high, you’ll be damned if you let your wife catch a cold on top of an almost sprain, while you hand her the ingredients to the quickest breakfast you can make with the fridge’s contents. And Rao, it’s already so difficult to say no to Lena all the time but to have her, your wife, half naked in front of you, hair elegantly and perfectly mussed from your early morning intimacies, well, it’s quite an impossible feat. An impossible endeavor that no one but you are going to know precisely because she’s yours for now and for always and never any other’s. But you do tell her and you watch her face carefully for any and all reactions.

She raises an eyebrow at you, an amused smile on her lips. “Am I supposed to be surprised, darling?”

“Lena,” You whine, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone else. Ever.”

“If it helps…” She smirks, “I feel exactly the same way. And don’t you dare talk about what anyone else will say or think. It’s you and me, remember? And I quite like you just the way you are.”

You surge towards her, your bowl of yogurt clattering loudly beside her on the counter and she gives a small yelp followed by light laughter as her heels lock against your back, her arms wrapping around your neck immediately. 

“I’d do it all again just to find you and be with you, Lena.”

“I told you not to get dressed,” she says roughly, low and hot, tugging at your shirt. “Take it off.”

\---

You steal the transmat portal when she stops wincing whenever she steps on her almost sprained left foot, and take her to the village of Saariselkä to see the Northern lights, and though of course they’re spectacular, there is no sight more beautiful than that of your wife’s face, delighted, content, comfortable, secure and safe. 

She’s looking at you now though, instead of the beautiful ethereal glow of the heavens and your heart races. There's not a day you don't marvel at the love you see reflected back in Lena's eyes for you. 

“I never thought I’d have this.” She tells you softly and a tear escapes from her eyes, you can’t help the frown on your face as you brush it off. She laughs lightly, pressing herself against your side, her mouth next to your ear. “No one’s ever loved me the way you love me, Kara, and I have never loved anyone the way I love you. I want all of forever with you. I want more than one lifetime. I want every day of this universe, and even then, even when the sun burns out, it may not be enough.”

“We’ll make the most of all of it, Lee.”

“It already is for as long as I have you.” 

\---

You fly to the fairy pools, the glen, the falls, and just as you’d predicted, Lena had done exactly as you thought she would, and more, so so much more than just kiss you in and under the freezing cold waters. 

Each day is largely unplanned, except for the museum trips Lena takes you on, and when you finally do make it to Paris, you make sure to drag her along the Champs-Élysées, daring her to reclaim the coffee eclairs from her favorite little café. And she does. Rolling her eyes at you and pulling you into a deep kiss before she pulls you inside.

You travel to Aviemore and spend a fair number of days walking through the park, the gardens, the riverbanks. Lena delights in the birds, the wildlife, but most especially the lakes. And there she confesses to you the one thing Lillian Luthor was ever truly a mother to her for. True to form Lillian had refused to let Lena show any weakness over anything, drilling into her at a young age the importance of courage and strength, and when those couldn’t be called upon quickly enough to protect her from the world, compartmentalization. And yes, you think Lillian is still majorly screwed up for visiting such concepts on a four-year old child, but Lena says there _had_ been times when she’d been uncharacteristically kind. 

Lena tells you of how she had used to have panic attacks upon first being taught to swim and how Lillian had fired her tutor and banished everyone and banned them from stepping foot into the indoor pool room at the mansion until she had learned. For days, more than a whole week, Lillian herself had taught her, soft, kind, understanding. And when Lena had learned, Lillian had taken her to a nearby lake, over and over until Lena had calmed and the shadows of fear and guilt stayed in the still darkness. Lillian had been the first to teach and help Lena reclaim the water, reclaim something she never should have lost in her youth and innocence. 

And though it was a secret—not something to ever be spoken of after it had happened, most certainly not something to apprise her brother and father of who were curiously and conveniently away on a trip together at the time, because yes, even then, Lena tells you, she knew with utter seriousness to follow her mother’s instructions to tell no one, not even her brother, she knew what it meant for her mother to show anything other than cold indifference and barely restrained hostility towards her— they were nonetheless memories Lena both cherished and pushed into a tiny little box just as her mother had taught her.

And it doesn’t make Lillian good. It doesn’t make the rest of what she’s done okay. The little glimmer of humanity is not enough to offset the rest of her evil and cruelty, and if Lena steeling herself after her recollection is anything to go by, she’s thinking along the same lines. But nonetheless, you _are_ grateful that Lena’s at least got that to hold on to. Lena deserves the world. She always has and you don’t think you’re ever not going to be angry for all the pain that’s been visited upon her, but you do marvel daily, at the purity of her soul even after all she has gone through. Because even hurt and angry, the means she’d undertaken, the ends she had in sight, her intentions, were always always, pure, always always good. Even through that darkness Lena couldn’t not try but right the wrongs she saw of the world. 

And that’s something that will always set her apart from the rest of the Luthors. 

She’s the best of them, you think, you _know_. The very _best_ of them. 

\---  
The nights and days flow into one another, bright, light and endless, not dissimilar to the ebb and flow of the ocean's waves.

You do tell her about Krypton, your mother, your father, the worlds you've been to, Non and Astra, even Kal's parents. You tell her all of it, everything you can remember. You tell her about the Danvers, Midvale, NCU. And everything is lighter, easier, better, because she's there to hold you through the dark, wipe and kiss your tears away, wait for the dawn, the sun to bless you with new and perfect days with her. 

Lena tells you about MIT, her dream projects, that start up she worked on with Jack. She talks to you about what she'd tried to do with the Harun-El in detail, her losing Adam, her pushing James away and leaving him. And when you hold on to her tightly at the mere mention of him, she understands and holds you back, kissing, kissing, kissing you until the memory of not having her fades away completely. You wonder if one day that anger, that longing for a past that cannot be changed will ever go away, if it will ever be forgotten. 

But for now you're grateful that Lena understands what you can't even properly put into words, that she loves and accepts you. She lets you fall, fail, and falter, gives you time and space to hurt and fear and be angry, gives you permission to claim claim claim every beautiful perfect inch of her. Lena gives you herself, always, completely, fully, wholly, and she swears no one's ever seen her, known her, touched her, loved her as she's let you. And you can’t help but revel in that fact – that no one’s ever had Lena Luthor the way you have her, that she’s chosen you, just you to have all of her. 

\---

“Darling,” she murmurs one night, already halfway to slumber, ”if something similar happens again, you'll find me and make me yours won't you?”

Your heart aches at the thought, your arms tightening around her, pulling her even closer, closer closer closer, as close as you can get her. 

"Find me and make me yours."

"Always." You promise her. “In any and every reality."

"Good." She sighs, pressing a quick kiss to your neck before her breathing evens out and she falls completely into a comfortable slumber.

The thought of not having her, the very hint of losing her is still enough to wreck you and you only really hold it together because you must. You let the fear in only in increments, reminding yourself at every bit that she is strong, she is brilliant and she will fight and win. You fill your heart with hope, with faith and with that unfailing trust you have in her and her capabilities, and often it's enough for the fear to abate. You marvel at Lena's strength, at her sheer force of will not to let fear and anger in because you know she has them, she feels them. These moments she says these, you know they are there, lurking in the darkness of her subconscious, but they show you as well, undeniably that she is yours, yours forever in any reality, choosing and loving you every day.

So you're not ready to go back, not ready to risk the most precious person in your life. The pain of the possibility of losing Lena to Lex's madness is unthinkable. And no, that’s wrong. There is no possibility of that happening. You'll turn all possibilities of losing Lena into impossibilities, and you know with her by your side, fighting with you, an impossibility it truly will be.

\---

“Do you believe in fate, Lena?” You ask her one very early morning. 

She smiles at you, pulling you into her and breathes, “I’ll believe in anything that lets me love you forever.”

And yeah, you’ll believe in anything that lets you love her forever too.


	42. You, Me and the Sky (Part VI)

"Do you regret it?" 

You've spent almost a full month on the isle and it's the first time Kara herself has brought the outside world in. You turn in her arms to face her, kissing her softly for a few moments letting her love wash over you, allowing it to push out the anxieties of everything outside her bubble of light.

Kara's talking about it. She's facing it. It's time to let it back in.

"Regret what?"

"Turning him down. Not taking back Luthor Corp."

"Sometimes." You admit. "Usually when he makes me terribly angry, but the rest of the time... Not really. He's barely around."

"He loves you, Lena." Her voice breaks, her hands tightening around you.

"Once, maybe." You tell her. "A long time ago... Before the obsession. Before the madness."

"No." She says firmly. "Now. He loves you now." 

And she tells you what she thinks and you're more than appalled by the thought. Your brother? Really. No. Not anymore. But she's distraught. Truly distraught. Because love to Kara is pure, all consuming and bright. There's nothing before it, nothing after. It's all there is. And you know that's how she loves you. And she can barely wrap her mind around something so pure, so encompassing being felt by someone so cruel and evil. But you can. It's how the Luthors have always loved. You don't know where they got twisted along the way, you'd tried to be brave once, tried to equip yourself to try and fix, try and heal the wounds, the traumatisms of your family, but they were callous and unrelenting, and your very heart and soul broken and bleeding you'd vowed never again to try.

And though Kara is right, as she so often is about such things, you had wanted to forgive them. You'd wanted to let yourself love them as you had so wholly and painfully in the past, but you hadn't ever again wanted to try to help heal. But she's wrong this time. She must be. Lex is too far gone.

"It's your _light,_ Lena." she tells you plaintive and aching. "He wants _you._ "

And she's scared, and you understand why because if he does it changes things. If he does then your brother isn't completely gone. Except he is. She's wrong. He _is._ So you scan you memories, scan you mind, what does she think she saw, what's got her so convinced?

"Not everybody loves the way you do, Kara." You tell her.

"He's sick, Lena. But he does love you. You're probably the only one he loves. But he _does._ "

"And what do you think that means, darling?" You don't believe it, you _can’t._ Your brother has played you far too many times in far too many ways for you to believe you ever truly meant anything to him.

"He'll take you from me. He's really going to try and tear us apart."

"Kara... You know he can't?"

She doesn't respond, her eyes avoiding your gaze.

"Kara." You say firmly. "I wasn't the only one who promised. I wasn't the only one who made a vow. You don't get to push me away, you don't get to pull away, you don't get to ever walk away from us either, not even if you think it will save _my_ life."

Still she doesn't respond. "Don't you dare, Kara Zor-El." A panic starts to brew inside your chest, making it difficult for you to breathe. "What am I, Kara?"

"My wife." She finally says pulling you tightly against her.

"Yours. Yours, Kara." You pray she listens. "They had me. My whole life they had me and they didn't care. They're done, Kar. They're out of chances. How I feel about them... maybe it won't ever be completely gone. But they've got no claim on me anymore. So they can try, but it won't be out of love. It'll be pride and greed, possession and ownership. Their love is dark and cold and cruel, is that what you want for me?"

"No." And she's holding tightly on to you again like she's never going to let you go and it's as though you can finally _breathe._ In the tightness of Kara's embrace, safe, secure and hers, the dangers of the world fall away and you breathe. Kara's love has never suffocated you, never stifled you, never never. You want everything she is, any and all that she is.

"I'm not theirs to have, Kara. So don't ever think of walking away again. Because I won't stand for it either. I won't. Promise you won't ever think it again, darling. Promise me."

And it hurts when she doesn't immediately answer. It hurts so damn much because you know how she loves you. Because you know how it feels to literally come close to dying even as your heart beats strong and steady, you know how it is to breathe even as your soul feels as though it's been literally torn to shreds. You know what utter hell it would be to be without her again, and you know what utter anguish she feels as the mere thought. Because you've been there too. You've been there and you know your wife loves you. And she's been strong. So so strong these past few weeks. And it's okay that she's afraid now. You've got her, for now and for always, just as she's always had you.

"I can handle anything but that, Kara." You tell her firmly, your panic abating. Kara would never, you _know_ her. It's fear creeping in after being kept out for so long, and you'll banish it to the darkest recesses of the night. You'll let it all in, slowly, little by little, so it doesn't overtake. Slowly you'll let the outside in again.

"Do you remember what he said?" She asks softly. "He wants you to rule this world with him."

"I don't want to _rule,_ Kara. Not this world, not any other. Doesn't it matter what I want?"

"What do you want, Lena?"

"You..." Soft but fervent. Because she is. She's what you want. "You and me forever, Kar. What sort of life do you think it would be with him? With them? Would you leave me to that, love? Do you think I'd want to live that life again?"

"I've fought so hard against taking you to Argo, but right now it's all I want to do. I want to hide you and keep you safe and just finish this."

"I won't hide while you fight." You say firmly.

"I know... I _know._ I just need you safe, Lena."

"I am. With you." You press a kiss to her lips but pull away when she tries to deepen it. "I need you safe too, Kara. You may be Supergirl, but I'm me. Who did you marry Kara?"

And God that smile that breaks on her face, beautiful, adoring, she looks at you like you're the very embodiment of the sun. "The most brilliant being in all the worlds." She says. And well hell, if that's not sheer belief in you you don't know what is.

"We do this together. We vowed, didn't we?" 

"You're my light, Lena." She breathes into you. 

And yeah, really, why would you ever want to rule when you're already so much more in your wife's world.

\---

You do let it in again. Slowly.

You begin by calling Alex two mornings later, and you know there's much they keep from you, her and Maggie, the furrow in Kara's brow, her arms tightening around you, always always around you, showing you she knows what they’re doing as well. But for the moment you let it go. You’ll call again soon.

You call Eliza next and you’re glad for the peace and delight on Kara’s face as she recounts all the places you’ve been to, eyes alight as she recounts every parent-friendly detail and even some that are not as she trips over her recounting of your numerous little adventures. But Eliza laughs through all of it, pleased, encouraging and approving. 

You make one last call that morning, not quite ready to let in any more than that for the day—to Nia, exuberant, ecstatic and elated, and the sheer and utter glee of something that can only be born of youth lightens your heart and banishes the worry of all Maggie and Alex have skirted around and left unsaid. 

And though it ends on a pleasant note, you do know your wife, so you take her by the hand, and go out for a short hike and picnic on the Cuillins. She’s quiet for most of it, but her eyes are clear, her hand clasping yours tightly. 

“That wasn’t so bad, was it, love?” You ask her as she’s spreading a blanket on the grass, and smiling softly, she pulls you into her lap and whispers her response in your ear.

“Everything’s always going to be perfect with you beside me, Lena. _Everything._ Even everything that’s not becomes perfect because of you.”

And the world is so much more complicated than that but she certainly makes you feel the same, that with her, the world is safe, whole and perfect.


	43. You, Me and the Sky (Part VII)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my favorite chapter of _You, Me and the Sky_ and I hope you all like it as much as I do.

"Darling, what could you possibly be nervous about? We're already married." She teases when you try to ask her something you can't find the words for.

"Lena..." 

"Is it a kink?" She asks cheekily, winking at you and your face positively flames at the mischievous look on her face. "I'd love to hear about _all_ your kinks, darling."

You let out an exaggerated huff at her teasing which only makes her laugh harder. Her light teasing is precisely what you need, the light of your wife, the light of your very life. So you finally take it out from its super secret hiding place and show her. She gapes at it, eyes wide, and the racing of her heart fills your ears. You're quite well-versed in the rhythms of Lena's heartbeat by now and it's going from surprised to yes, comfortable and happy, even as tears are pooling in her eyes.

"Don't cry, Lena." You say, pressing a kiss by her ear.

She laughs, watery and soft as she wipes her tears away. "Are you proposing again?" she asks.

"You proposed the last time." You remind her lightly, placing soft kisses along her jaw.

"After you'd claimed me as yours _every heartbeat_ of the past few months."

"Good times." You quip, nipping at her lips, and swallowing her whimper.

"Well, put it on." She demands, breathlessly when you pull away. "And tell me about it."

"Really?" You ask, almost disbelievingly. "We'll really show the world?"

"Really." She says, smile bright and doting. "Are you ready for the attention?"

"You mean for everyone to know you're mine?"

"Kara... You know what that does to me."

Rao, she's perfect. She really truly is. Some days you think she was made for you and you for her. But perhaps that's giving some unknown unnamed being far too much control over your life, your present, your future, and you’re not sure you’re ready to trust anyone but you and Lena with your forever just yet. Some days though… _truly._

You tell her that, and her eyes shine again like she understands, and when she pulls you into her and kisses you, touches you, and loves you, you know she's showing you she feels the same way.

It's much later when you tell her about it, sated for the moment, tangled up in each other - The band made from a Kryptonian alloy, the diamonds made by you, painstakingly, until they're the perfect shapes, the perfect clarity, and the sapphire from Eliza, passed down from four generations, yours being the fifth. And she cries when she hears it, because she knows she belongs on so many levels - she's your whole family's, both the Danvers' and the House of El's, she's not just this Earth's but Krypton's, and most of all she's yours. 

And when you've kissed her to calmness, she asks you to bring her a small lead lined case from her luggage, pulling you into her lap when you make it back to the bed. And when she tells you everyone's been meddling and helping you two along to get to this point, you can't even find it in yourself to be annoyed.

Kal's brought her the same alloy, Eliza's led her to emeralds to go with the diamonds and you know why, you know exactly why, green to remind you of your wife's eyes, always and forever. And you cry. Of course, you cry. Because anything that reminds you of Lena always makes you so incredibly happy you're always half a step from perfectly rightly-whelmed to over-whelmed, and yes when your wife is slipping a ring through your finger and claiming you as hers, you're going to fall right into overwhelmed and have a good cry.

And she laughs as you do, holding tightly on to you, raining feather light kisses on your face until you finally calm and then she's shimmying down your body, her mouth hot, hot, hot against you and you're once again absolutely certain this woman was made for you and you for her.

\---

"Do you wish we'd done it differently?" She asks you hours later, sitting by the fire, still naked and tangled up in each other.

"Lee," you start, and well, _end,_ a firm kiss to her hair. Truly you lose all train of thought because she's naked in your arms.

She laughs, light light light, when you don't continue. "Do you wish we'd gotten married differently?" she clarifies, turning to look into your eyes.

"I don't." You tell her. "But I think _you_ do."

She shakes her head, soft smile on her face. "I don't. But I do wish everyone else could have been there too. Sam and Ruby. Clark, Lois and the boys. Maggie. Kelly. James. Andrea. I think I would've liked to have her there too, you know?"

You nod. You do know. Lena's reclaiming. She says you've given her the strength to reclaim so much of what she wasn't ready to for so long. And now she is. She says with you by her side she is.

"But everything again. The fire, the sand, the ocean, the waves, the wind, the stars... then the sun, at the dawn of a new day. " Her eyes are sparkling at the memory until they're looking deeply into yours. "And _you._ I'd do it all over again with _you,_ Kar."

"We can do it again. Exactly the same if you want, except with everyone there." You tell her seriously before smirking. "You know I'd marry you again and you don't even have to ask a second time."

"Maybe _you'll_ have to ask." She huffs, turning her back to you and facing the fire.

You press a wet kiss to her neck, sucking at her pulse point, reveling at the moan it elicits. "I'd say marrying you was the best day of my life, but really, Lena, every single day with you is."

She's turning back to you and burying her face in your neck. "God, Kar. What if we never got here?" She breathes. "I couldn't bear it. Knowing this now. Knowing we can be like this. I couldn't, Kara. I just... I _can't._ "

Her heart is pounding, anxiety intermingling with fear and you hold her, kissing her tenderly until you feel her calm, her heart once again steady. "We got here, Lena." You tell her softly. "We got hurt, got a little lost, but we made it. Neither of us let go, neither of us walked away. We both held on. We're not three years ago, we're more. We're so much more, my love. And now we're here. I'm yours and you are mine, and that's the truth in this reality, and we'll make that the truth in any other."

"Promise, Kara."

"I do. Now, promise too, Lena."

"I do. You know I do."

"See?" You tell her, lifting her head so you can look into her eyes. "Another best day of my life."

\---

"Oh my god, no!" She squeals, pulling away from you.

“Come on Lena,” You tease, waggling your eyebrows at her. “Be brave.”

“I’m already the bravest person I know.” She quips, still steadily backing away from you.

You feign a huff of exasperation. “Really? Not even your dear Superhero wife?”

“Well, you’re not human.”

“Species-ist now, are we?”

“Kara, I don’t care what you say, I’m not going to.”

“Thought you were brave?”

“The bravest, I’d say, marrying a lunatic like you.”

“Babe,” You laugh, “I promise I won’t let you fall.”

“Well, _babe,_ ” she glares at you, “thanks but no thanks.”

“Come on, Lena. I’ve lived in Midvale and National City my whole life, and even I know how to skate.”

“You’re indestructible!” She whines. “I’m supremely uncoordinated.”

“Stop selling yourself short. You’re in heels all day, every damn day of the week— that takes a crazy amount of coordination.”

“Kara,” she whines. “Next trip, I promise.”

“Promise?”

“Maybe?” She says, trying to wheedle out of it. 

“Lena Luthor, don’t you throw the word ‘promise’ around!” You stomp your foot petulantly. 

“Luthor-Danvers,” she corrects, “And I’m _not,_ I’m trying to _negotiate._ ”

“Really?” You ask her, well aware of how tears are quickly pooling in your eyes. 

She’s smiling softly at you, and your vision starts to get hazy as your tears fall. 

“Really, really.” She says. 

“You’re not just saying that to get out of skating?”

She laughs, full and magnificent and so so bright. “Really, darling. _Really._ ”

“Your family’s going to have a heart attack.”

“A happy bonus,” she quips, light light light.

“Lena, you’re—”

“I know.” She tells you. “I know. You are too, you know? You’re perfect. And I’d never want to be anyone else’s but yours.”

And you’re absolutely certain it couldn’t be more perfect if God and Rao and the heavens conspired to give you and Lena this present, this future. You’ve never been more certain of anything, _anyone_ as you are of her. 

“Come on,” she says, rolling her eyes at you when you fail to respond. “Maybe I will be brave after all. But if I break anything I’m going to be very _very_ upset.”

The truth is you’re so overcome you’re barely able to let her out of your arms to lead her around the ice, but she smiles at you throughout, understanding, always _always_ understanding everything you’re feeling. And yes, you’re never going to want to be anyone else’s but hers either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once upon a time (in May) steelwing planted this itty-bitty baby seed into my head by asking about the trappings of marriage and whether Lena and Kara were going for rings or bracelets, and honestly, at that point, apparently a month and a day ago exactly, I had absolutely no plans of them donning either. But that itty-bitty seed was strong and persistent and it was something my brain latched onto and could not let go of.
> 
> So steelwing, the trappings were written with you in mind, and therefore for you, and honestly, anyone who likes it has you to thank for it. And because I myself like it, allow _me_ to thank you for planting that seed and making me think about it, and eventually, write it in. I'd also like to take a moment to thank you for all the encouragement you've given me in writing this for the past few months and for sharing your own visions and words of what else could happen outside of these chapters, and for loving this version of Kara and Lena as much as I do even when they're a bit (a lot) over the top.


	44. You, Me and the Sky (Part VIII)

You start off your next set of phone calls light and easy, with Ruby and Sam, who joke and bicker and make themselves late pushing pushing pushing for just another minute, another five, ten, fifteen to catch up with you and Kara. Ruby wants to hear about all the places you've been to, the adventures, hikes, oceans and lakes, and when Sam finally manages to get rid of her teenager for a torturous mere ninety seconds, she teases you and Kara about the glass igloo under the auroras reminding you exactly what platonic best friends are for. You hide your flaming face in your hands as Kara shamelessly hints to Sam exactly what you two had been up to with Sam positively whooping and squealing at your happiness as though it's a college romance as opposed to an actual adult relationship— _marriage._ But maybe it's something none of you had ever properly had, the sheer glee and abandon of youth, all having had to grow up far too quickly for your own various reasons. 

And you miss her, you miss them. You miss Alex and Nia and Maggie and Kelly and J'onn. And Andrea. You do miss Andrea. And yeah, maybe even William. Though you're mostly worried about what he's gotten up to. You've seen your brother's evil, he's not going to let someone like William take him down. 

You think maybe it's time to go soon, time to head back. But your wife is tense when you call Alex again and you're almost sorry to have to do it. You almost hang up but then Alex picks up and you can't not respond, she'll worry, they all will, so you pull Kara into you, holding her, urging her to speak. She takes a moment, sighs into you, then seemingly breathes you in, before whispering, "I love you, Lena. So fucking much. I'll never let you go. I'll never let anyone take you. You are mine. _Mine._ You're mine forever." 

And god that totally wrecks you. It's the very same Kara all those nights ago the night you'd confessed your love for her. The same one who'd claimed and demanded and pleaded with you to _let_ you be hers, to _have_ you be hers. And you acquiesce now much as you did then, your head falling on her shoulder, your face firmly pressed against her neck, willing willing willing yourself to calm down.

You're lost to much of what Alex says, but Kara holds you, her breathing and heart steady against your own wild one.

You only partially tune in when Kara says your name. "We'll call Andrea and Kelly." She says. "Whatever they can't figure out, Lena will."

And still you don't raise your head from her shoulder, just as still her hold on you doesn't slacken.

Your wife's possessive streak is undeniable and yet it still renders you surprised and breathless when it does. It's so uncharacteristically bubbly, easily flustered, so so sweet Kara Danvers, too selfish and impulsive for Supergirl, and still far too passionate and vulnerable for Kara Zor-El; but it's so quintessentially Kara, your Kara, the Kara that's yours, the Kara you've married and who has married you, that you're a trembling mess whenever it comes out in the intensity that it does. You think it's true what Sam had said to you once in your very many phone calls very many months ago. Kara's love is precisely what you need, precisely what you'd needed to heal, to bind your broken, battered heart and soul. So you do understand when Kara says it's as though you were made for her and she for you. There are so very many moments like these wherein you think there must be an intelligent design to this universe, to you, to Kara, to make you and Kara fit so perfectly. If anyone can make you believe in the divine, it's got to be your very own wife.

She ends the call and you think you probably should have listened, or at least tried harder to, but you find you can't much care when she's lifting you up on the counter, and tearing at your clothes, sucking and nipping at your neck.

Yes, you see it, you believe it: You were definitely made for her just as she was definitely made for you.

\---  
It's early afternoon when you do manage to call anybody else. You and Kara have split up your calls, her to Kelly, you to Andrea, though you also do want to hear from Kelly. But Kara is adamant, her eyes sparkling with mischief and it's difficult to deny her when she's so utterly adorable.

Turns out Andrea and Kelly are working on a specific type of world creation therapy Kelly's still in the process of designing and tailor-making to those whose memories have fractured and Andrea can't tap into her scientists and programmers lest it trigger the fracturing of theirs as well, and while Andrea is good, there was a reason you were able to sabotage her tech without her having realized and it wasn't because she was desperate to have you back again.

You promise to look over the data and plans they're going to be sending over, walking Andrea through various security encryptions you yourself have designed in case anyone catches wind of what you're all working on. It's not a serious concern though, the therapy has little to do with contesting the truth of the current reality and significantly more with helping the afflicted work through their confusion and resulting uncontrollable and impulsive rage.

Truthfully, you're not sure how to feel about the current project you're about to embark on with them. The curbing of rage is reminiscent enough of your goals with Non Nocere that it gives you more than just pause, and you're glad when the call ends so you can breathe, think and try to calm your racing heart.

"Lena?" Kara calls, the worry in her tone clear.

She's listening for you again, of course. It's a terrible habit of hers that you love, because well, you haven't yet found out a thing you don't love about her.

"Hey." You say, and she's looking curiously at you from outside, phone still in her hand.

"What's wrong?" she asks.

You shake your head, try to give her a reassuring smile. "Just thinking."

She still looks worried, but she nods, crosses the room quickly, pulls you into her arms and kisses your temple. "I love you, Lena." She tells you softly, squeezing you tightly for a moment before pressing another kiss to your temple and stepping out once again.

And you love her too. So much. So very very much. 

It’s easier to remember to be brave when she’s around, easier to stand tall and strong with her light and love. Because that’s precisely what’s gotten you here. You’d had to be brave and forgive and be forgiven. You’d had to be brave and see the stark reality of what you’d done, what you’d attempted to do, you’d had to be brave and look and admit all of it and ask for forgiveness. You’d had to be brave and forgive _her,_ forgive _yourself._

And no, you hadn’t ever thought this is where you’d end up being – Not months ago when you were angry, so so angry and in pain, not a year ago when she was still just your best friend and you hers, before everything had started to go to hell, not almost four years ago when you thought your love and attraction were unrequited and therefore had shoved it into an itty bitty box and buried it as deep down as you could, and not any time in between— But it’s precisely where you are now. She is your wife and you are hers, and that’s one of the few things you hadn’t had to be brave for at all. Kara’s love for you is blatant, irrefutable and undeniable, and from the very day she’d said it, the very night she’d confirmed and teased you about it, you _knew,_ you knew with the absolute certainty of someone who has never before been certain about anything in life outside the laws of the hard sciences, that you would marry her. It was not something that was going to fade away with the night, not a trifling fledgling dream for an unknown indeterminate future. It was going to be reality, your very reality.

So you hadn’t slept that night, thinking and thinking and thinking. You hadn’t ever been sure of anyone outside of Kara before, certainly not your own family, but Kara had fast become that one person you’d believe in and count on even when you couldn’t believe in and count on yourself. She has fought and fought and _fought_ for you even against your own insecurities, doubts and bouts of self-loathing, and despite the uncertainty of the reality, despite the paths you’re all still trying to see, the paths you’re trying to uncover and take, you knew, indubitably, _categorically,_ that you’re never going to not want her by your side through a single second of it. 

And yes, you hadn’t needed to be brave for it because you know Kara loves you too, _wants_ you too for nothing short of forever, like a scientific law, an Absolute Certainty, as certain as your very own existence. So that following morning, when you’d demanded she make good on that promise - _though she calls it a proposal, yours_ \- she rises to the challenge - _she calls it the realization of her greatest dream, such a dork,_ yours, _absolutely and so beautifully yours._ And it was the waiting that was most difficult, to not let her take you right then and there to a courthouse and have it _be_ at that very moment. But it had been perfect. You are a little sentimental even though you’d deny ever being so- But you’d married Kara Christmas day, _Christmas dawn,_ for a reason. You’d married her under the blanket of stars, a view of the universe up above, within the finitude of the cosmos, with the God of your world's past - And Kara's too - the sun, Rao, ever present in all worlds, the life source of all creation. You’d married her by the ocean, the waves crashing in the background, soft sand at your feet, fire, hot and blazing with the promise of life and undying passion, the wind cool, and soothing, surrounded by family, loving, approving, supportive. And Kara had cried when you’d told her even as she was calling you a nerd, mush, an absolute hopeless romantic, crying crying yet still smiling throughout, promising you you’ll do it, make it a reality. 

And you had. You had. And it was all sorts of perfect. So perfect you wish everyone had been able to be a part of it, was able to share in the moment of your union. And while Kara is right, you feel it too, every day with her has to be the best days of your life too, you’re always going to hold that particular moment so very very close to your heart— the day you made her your wife. It was a day you hadn’t had to be brave to make the future you so desperately want into a reality, a day so unlike the future where you’ll have to fight and claw to keep the very world safe, to keep your _wife_ safe.

And it’s knocking now, the world, it’s asking you to be brave again. Because it seems so mutually exclusive, keeping the world safe and keeping your wife safe. With you, in this place, your wife is safe. But the rest of the world, though it’s held without Supergirl, undoubtedly needs her, and when she gets back into the fray, there’s of course never any certainty of her safety. You hate that it’s as though it’s a choice between your wife, the fulcrum of your very present, future, forever, and the rest of the world. So fuck, you do need to be brave again. 

“Hey,” She says, walking back in, dropping the phone on the couch and sweeping you into her arms.

You love her. God, you really really do. That too is an Absolute Certainty. A Truth. And Indubitable Truth. 

“You’re thinking too loud, Lee. Want to go for a swim?”

You groan. “For someone so overprotective you get the craziest ideas.”

“I’m not over-protective.” She denies quickly. “I’m exactly the right amount of protective for keeping my wife who has too little care about her own safety and well-being, well, _safe_ and _well._ Ruby’s going to want to try and swim.”

You roll your eyes at her blatant amusement at her word-choice when the last bit hits you. “It’s 49° out— _Ruby?_ ” 

“So we’ve got guests coming over…” She says, half sheepish, half mischievous.

“We’re really abusing the transmat portal.” You try to chastise but she looks adorable and so so sweet you really can’t.

“I haven’t told you Eliza’s coming over too…”

You shake your head at her, smiling smiling smiling because how can you not. You’ve married this beautiful woman, you’ve made her your wife and it’s the realization of a future so full and warm and utterly perfect. “Well then, what’re we making for dinner?”

And it doesn’t escape you at all that you feel exactly the same way about her when she sweeps you into her arms again and whispers, “You are the one perfect person for me, Lena.” Because yes, she’s the one perfect person for you too.


	45. You, Me and the Sky (Part IX)

“Lena…” You say nuzzling her neck and you can’t help but smile as she lets out a soft groan.

“Darling,” she breathes. “I want to. I really really do, but I can’t again.”

“No, silly.” You laugh, “I just want to know what you want for breakfast. But I do love that that’s where your mind is.”

“Don’t pretend like you don’t know that’s _always_ where my mind is when you’re touching me.” She says roughly, rubbing at her eyes. They’re hazy and unfocused when they open, and you pull her closer as they slowly begin to focus on yours. To look into Lena Luthor’s eyes, no, to look into your wife’s eyes, Lena Luthor-Danvers’ eyes, to have and hold her all the days and nights and everything in between is your very dream come true. There is nothing quite like them, the different shades they turn to depending on the time of day, the color dispersions depending on her mood and emotions. There’s so much they tell you about your wife, your Lena, and no matter the countless worlds you’ve seen in what once was the vastness of the multiverse, there is nothing more beautiful, nothing brighter, nothing that gives you as much peace as looking into her eyes. 

And so you tell her. “I love you, Lena. You’re my very dream come true. I would travel all the worlds to have this moment with you again, to have this moment with you forever.”

Her eyes darken, and you know what that precise shade means even before she speaks. “What are you always telling me? That I defy the odds even when I don’t mean to? Well, what do you think happens when I _do_ mean to?” 

“Not breakfast?” You ask, your heart racing.

“Not breakfast.” She confirms before the rest of the world falls away. 

\---

"It's true, you know." You tell her one very very late evening while she's in the middle of a Vonnegut novel.

"What is?"

She asks, looking up from her book and smiling softly at you, her whole attention suddenly on you even when she was completely immersed in a whole different world mere heartbeats ago. And it's true, it's so so true as it's happening this very moment.

"That sometimes you just look at me and my world stops."

"You and me, babe," she starts, her eyes sparkling, "We're two of a kind."

"Silly." You say, your voice catching. You're aching to touch her. _Aching._

Her eyes narrow at you, boring into yours before she's pushing her book away and crawling towards you. Your heart races in anticipation. She knows you. She does.

"Darling?" she says, hovering above you, kissing your cheek.

You pull her into your lap, sighing into her. "Do you have any idea how wrecked I was that night? How both hopeful and terrified I was that you knew and understood how I felt? I dreamt of having you even when I shouldn't have. I loved you in ways you didn't know, in ways that I wasn’t supposed to, with feelings I never should have had."

"You were always allowed to love me, Kara." She tells you, kissing your lips and the ache you feel abates just a little bit. "Love is always allowed."

"You knew that night." You need her to say it.

"I did." She breathes. "You did too." It's less a prompt for you to confirm it as well, and more a demand. Rao. Your wife and her demands. You'll happily acquiesce to any and of all them all the days of your life as long as you get to love and have her. 

"I did." You say. "The way you looked at me, Lena... The way you _look_ at me."

"Like you're the only one I see?"

Rao, yes. Yes. "Yes."

"It's because you _are._ " She says smiling at you again. "Because sometimes when I do look at you nothing else exists. Everything else falls away."

"I will never let you go. Never."

"You never have to, Kar." She says, her brows furrowing. "You're not _allowed_ to. You promised me. I'm yours, Kara, just as you are mine."

"I thought then, you know, I thought... To hold you like that, if I could have you just like that forever I'd be okay. If you'd let me hold your hand, if you'd let me pull you close, if I could hold you as you slept each night..."

"Darling," she chuckles, "you realize that's not even remotely platonic?"

"I don't think there's any one word to describe the way I feel about you." You tell her seriously. "But no, it certainly wasn’t that. What I feel for you isn’t at all close to that.”

“I’m well aware, love.” She responds, hotly. 

“But I would have settled for anything you would have given me.” 

“Settling isn’t my vocabulary.” She tells you, eyes sparkling with mischief. “We strive for greatness and settle for nothing short of the world. And you _are_ Kara, you’re certainly mine.”

“You’re the best of everything, Lena. You were the one thing I never dared dream about.”

“Darling, what’s wrong? Please tell me what’s wrong.”

“I love you. So much. You know that.”

“I do.” She affirms, a soft kiss to your lips.

“We almost didn’t get here.”

“But we did.” She says firmly.

“I love you.” You tell her again. “I am going to spend every day of forever with you.”

“You are. That’s something that’s not going to change when we’re back home.” 

Of course she knows what you mean without you even really having to say it. She really always does. “ _You_ are my home.” You tell her softly.

“And that’s not going to change either.”

“No.” You confirm. “ _That_ will _never_ change.”

“It’s okay to let the world in.” She says pressing a kiss to your cheek. “We can handle it.”

You smile at her. She’s so brave and strong and tough. “No fear?” You ask.

“A little.” She admits, but she smiles back at you. “But you and me, Kar… we can make _anything_ happen.”

“We can.” You tell her. “With you I can handle _anything, everything._ ”

“I’m going to miss this place.” She says before stealing your breath with a kiss. “I’m going to miss having you every minute of every day.”

“What about having me right now?”

“That can most certainly be arranged.” 

\---

So you cheat your first two weeks back. 

The first week you drop in on everyone but use the transmat portal to go back to your cottage on the Isle, Lena's idea, the only direct indicator that she's also not quite ready to leave either. It's not Lena keeping things from you, you know. It's just how she is— steeling herself, slowly shutting her worries, fears and anxieties out.

You'd started with dropping in on your sister and J'onn at the Tower and you'd both been promptly kicked out but not of course before your super-senses had stumbled upon a surprise, (for your wife mostly, you know) and really it's what tips the scales in favor of not quite being home yet. And your sister had had to remind you not to squeeze too hard when you'd wrapped your arms around her in a grateful embrace.

Next you'd dropped in on Nia and William at CatCo while Lena was with Kelly and Andrea and you'd had to promise to take Nia out, as if that hadn’t already been the plan, so she could see Lena as well, coinciding with a lunch date Lena had set up with Maggie. And it's fun, it's actually really a lot of fun to watch Nia and Maggie and Lena, comfortable and at ease with each other engaging in light banter. And more than a handful of times, Nia shoots you gleeful, content looks, while Maggie shoots you gentle, knowing ones. And your heart is heavy and full with the warmth and light of friendship.

You're grateful for the both of them, at the bond and genuine love that emanates from their interactions with your wife and you're thrilled that you all got here too, not just you and Lena but Lena with all of them. Because you mean it– all the promises you've made Lena— absolutely _all_ of them. But the world has a habit of upending itself even when you are looking, keeping steady watch, and far too many times the seemingly impossible happens. There's nothing you won't do for Lena. You know how she loves you, and you'll fight every day to make it back to her, but it soothes your heart, your soul, to see and know for certain that the family you've built will always be there for her. 

Overall your drop in days are wonderful, though you'd had to work a bit at pulling Lena away from the work she's started with Kelly and Andrea, arguing that she has so much work to do because as she claims: _"Andrea was always better with the business-side of things. She's always been so excitable and doesn't spend nearly enough time on the checks and balances of her tech."_

And really, you don't know what to say because the Andrea you know is kind of a hard ass, not at all visibly excitable though certainly more principle-compromised when faced with the bottom-line. You tell Lena as much and she laughs as she finally allows you to pull her away from working, allowing you to drag her into bed with you. "You should've seen the things she got us into at boarding school." She says, eyes sparkling mischievously.

And of course you want to know, you do, you want to know absolutely everything about Lena, but the present takes precedence, the present with your wife _always_ takes precedence and the present calls for you and her and a long long night of making new memories.

\---  
You drop in on Barry's team too and though Cisco and Lena do hit it off, because of course your wife is a total nerd, the hottest nerd in existence but still a nerd, she pretty much really hits it off with the whole team and you're both regaled with the insanity they've been through the past years they had all been together. And honestly, you've always liked Barry, liked them all really, but it's also the first real time you've just gone out to see him for just a social visit and outside of a chance with Lena in this reality, it's the first time you're glad you don't have to Earth-hop to see him. You're also now afforded a chance to get to know him, to build a real friendship, a strong one, as well as a chance to expand your families and actually be in each other’s lives.

You are so grateful for the time away with your wife. So grateful that you had been able to just be. To have had the time to wake up to her each day, hold her each night, love and have her each second and minute of those days... It's a balm to your soul, your anxieties and fears, as everything about Lena always is.

You promise him and Iris and anyone else on the team the same, that you and yours are ready to take on more the moment they decide _they_ need a break, and when Iris and Barry share a secretive look, you know you'll be taken up on that sooner rather than later and you'll truly gladly take it on.

You find it hilarious when Lena steals more than her fair share of your Big Belly Burger fries, and when you ask her if Big Belly Burger is also _transcendental_ she shoots you a look so hot you almost forget you're in the S.T.A.R. labs lounge room and not alone in your cottage. Barry coughs perceptibly, reminding you of exactly where you are and you think you see money changing hands soon after and wonder if your sister and Maggie are at it again and how far their reach has well, _reached._ Lena's sheepish look and chaste kiss to your cheek certainly communicates to you exactly how unbidden her own reaction to your quip is and you realize that it's going to take you both a fair bit of adjustment upon rejoining the world after having been alone in the privacy of your home because you’re only just then remembering exactly what the last thing you'd referred to as transcendental was and it was certainly _not_ Van Gogh's work, though it certainly is a masterpiece, and it is masterpiece that’s _yours_ forever.

Lena is quiet again when you get back from a day with them, and this night her quiet is filled with a heaviness. You take her for another sunset viewing and wait for her to tell you what’s on her mind. And she does. She always does in due time. The initial weeks of silence have taught you patience, have grounded you in the safety of the knowledge that she will always, always find her way and let you into her head, the treasure trove of her thoughts. It’s no different now, but as with any and all hints of danger, you can’t help but hold on tightly to her. 

“There are so many families to keep safe.” She whispers against you. “We can’t be selfish.”

“Can’t we?” You ask softly because sometimes, _often_ , you truly wish you can be, and you know what she means. You know how she feels because you feel the same about her. Here, in this place, your wife is safe. You don’t have to worry about losing her to her brother’s corrupted ideations, attacks from aliens, meta-humans or even just humans. Here, in this place, all that matters is you and her.

“So many families, love.” She says again.

You kiss her cheek and look into her eyes, pained and heavy. “We’ll save them all, Lena.” You promise her. “We’ll keep them all safe. We’ll do it with everyone.”

“No unnecessary risks, Supergirl.” She demands and your heart races. 

“You are my _light_ , Lena.” You tell her softly, fervently. It’s something you tell her often, something you want her to know, understand, and never forget. Because it’s true. She’s your light. The very light of your life. 

“As you are mine.” She tells you, firm, fiery. “So think things through. You may be _close_ to invincible but you’re _not_. Remember your promises. Remember your vows. No rushing in without thinking.”

“I promise.” You do. 

You’ll make sure you have forever with Lena.


	46. You, Me and the Sky (Part X)

“You’re cheating!” She exclaims with a slight whine.

“Darling, you can literally hear my heart _beat._ That’s already an unfair advantage in itself. And I am not cheating.”

“You haven’t lost _once._ Counting cards is cheating.”

“No it isn’t. It’s putting one’s skills to use. And it wouldn’t even matter if I were. This is _poker_ not blackjack.”

“You’re still cheating. How are you cheating?”

“Am not.” You insist with an exaggerated sigh. 

“Are too.” She’s glaring lightly at you.

You fight to keep a neutral expression. “Kara.”

“Lena.” She shoots back, pouting at you.

“God,” you breathe out, “come _here._ ” She looks so adorable you want to kiss that beautiful pout off her lips.

“Nuh uh,” she replies with an impish smile. “Not until you admit it.”

“How am I going to admit something I’m _not_ doing. You’re asking me to prove the lack of existence of something.”

“Philosophizing isn’t getting you out of this, Lena Luthor-Danvers.” She tells you. “No matter how hot it is when you get all nerdy.”

“Come here.” You tell her again.

“Admit it.” 

You let out an exasperated huff and place your cards on the coffee table and push off the floor.

“Leeeena,” She whines. “Where are you going?”

You ignore her and remove the elastic band keeping your hair in a neat ponytail as you make your way to the bathroom. Your hair is barely loose past your shoulders when she’s zooming and sweeping you into her arms. You’d try for neutral, you really would, but it’s far too much fun to tease her instead and the satisfied smirk on your lips is immediate anyway and already in full force. She rolls her eyes at you for a moment before her lips crash onto yours, deep, hot, hungry. 

“You’re mean.” She says when she pulls away, breathless and panting.

“You wouldn’t come.” You respond swiftly, breathless and panting just as she is. “Bath?” You offer. 

“I’ll make _you_ come undone, Lena Luthor-Danvers.”

“Please.” You tell her. Her eyes darken at your response, and she inhales deeply, pulling you into her in the next instant, hands tight around your waist.

“You’re my _everything,_ Lena.” She whispers fervently, as if she’s afraid for the world to hear. 

“And you’re mine.” You tell her, louder, _daring,_ because in this world you’ll have to be. You’ll banish all the fears and threats to nothingness. You’ll make him fall at your feet. “You’re _my_ everything.”

She smiles brilliant, bright, and calm. “You really are, Lena.” She tells you. “You are beautiful and brave. You are enthralling, mesmerizing—”

“Do you know _why,_ darling?” You ask, cutting off her adorations even as your face flushes at her words. “Do you know why I’m so brave?”

“Why?” she asks, smile, bright and beautiful and full, so so full of love.

“Because I have _you._ Nothing in this would can _touch_ me if I have you.”

“You’ll have me forever, Lena.” She promises, hot and ardent, backing you against the wall. “Even if you do count cards.”

“I wasn’t—You’re impossible!” You huff, pushing her away and taking your shirt off as you continue your trek to the bathroom. 

“Gorgeous, sexy, hot.” She calls after you, teasing and chuckling. 

“If you’re not in here in the next instant I’m locking this door.”

She whooshes in and once again sweeps you into her arms. “Don’t be cruel, Lena.” She whines, pouting, and finally, _finally_ she’s close enough for you to kiss it off her lips. 

“Want to see what other skills I have?” You ask her, breath hot against her ear.

“Rao, Lena.” She moans. “Yes.”

“I’ll make you scream my name.” You promise her. 

She does. 

\---

"It's going to be very difficult not to spend whole days with you." Kara says softly from her seat on the dining table. 

You are down to the last three days of your final week that you've both decided to spend back at the apartment in National City, mostly in isolation, and she's been sending you longing surreptitious looks when she's supposed to be finishing her last installment of the travel series she and Andrea had previously agreed on while you're in the kitchen making dinner.

You'd been trying to ignore her for the most part, knowing she won't ever get to finish that article and you this dinner, but your wife's attentions are supremely difficult to ignore on the best of days and tonight is hardly even that when you can almost literally feel the sands slipping through your fingers.

You raise your eyes to meet hers and they're as intense as always, as intense as you'd expected, as intense as you know both you and she feel. The longing in them is palpable and you feel your _heart,_ your _soul,_ your _body_ ache for her.

"Kara..." You say and put the knife down on the cutting board and wipe your fruit sticky fingers on a dish cloth as she stands and stalks towards you. She captures your lips in a deep searing kiss, backing you against the counter.

"Do you know how I want you?" She asks you hotly, fingers threading with yours, eyes dark. Moments like these you swear she can see straight into your very soul and you're rocked by a wave of sudden desire so great you almost buckle under it. "How I _need_ you?" 

And yeah, if it's anything close to what you're feeling right now, the answer is _desperately._ And yes, if you do know your wife, and you _do,_ you do know her, it's also exactly what she's feeling in this moment.

"Bed." You say roughly. And bed it is in the next instant, her thumb brushing lightly at your ribs.

"I'm not going to break, Kara." You hiss, nipping at her lips. It's the one consequence of her fears that you won't abide- the caution and fragility with which she treats you, holds you, touches you.

Her eyes, fierce and fiery bore into yours. "You'd better not." She grounds out, low and rough, low and hot. "Destroy. Annihilate." She continues. You know precisely what she's talking about. You think you've seen into Kara's very soul too. Into its deepest, darkest recesses. So deep and dark you know even she rarely looks in. But she lets you - in that is. She lets you in it, lets you see, know and feel. You ground her, she's told you. You're her anchor, her tether, saving her from herself. "Burn." She adds. Her fingers still ghost at your skin, still maddeningly light and soft despite the fire she's positively vibrating with.

Lightning tears through the sky, followed by resounding thunder and then a sudden downpour. And if you didn’t know any better you’d think your little god was responsible for it, because like this, when the darkness shines through due to a clawing fear you yourself are very familiar with, it’s precisely what she becomes. 

“I’m home and safe and yours, darling.” You tell her. “ _I’m safe._ ”

Her head dips onto your shoulder, hiding her face, and she breathes deeply. “I really think I would, Lena.” She whispers, barely audible. “If he hurts you… If he or anyone so much as _touches_ you…”

“You won’t.” You tell her.

“I _will._ ”

You sigh. “You _will not,_ Kara Zor-El.”

“Let’s never find out.” Is her reply.

“You won’t, my love.” You say again, soft, pressing a kiss beside her ear.

“Will you love me less?” It’s soft but the desperation is palpable and your heart hurts. It hurts because _she_ is hurting.

“Never, darling. There is never anything you could do that would make me love you less.” You tell her, looking straight into her eyes. You see the turmoil in them, the fear, the anger, and that desperation, all intermingling in the beautiful blue that makes your very heart beat. “But you are _mine_. All you are is mine. He’ll take no part of you. You won’t give him your heart, your soul, your light. You won’t let him taint or tarnish it. It is _mine._ _You are mine._ He will not corrupt you with his darkness.”

“If anyone hurts you, Lena...”

“I can handle it.” 

“Lena…” It’s a strangled cry and it makes you feel as though you’re drowning, and your breath catches, your heart clenching. Sometimes it truly is as though you can feel the very pain she does. 

You close your eyes and hold tightly onto her. “Kara, Kara, Kara.” You say, taking deep steadying breaths, trying to center yourself, trying to calm. It’s true, what you said, of course it is, but it’s the wrong thing to say in this moment. The time you’d both carved out for each other has almost run out and you’ll have to leave the safe cocoon you’d both built and dwelt in in the past months in mere days. 

“I’m _here._ ” She whispers.

“Hope, trust, and faith.” You breathe. 

She kisses your lips. “And love.” She breathes into you.

“And love.” You reply, kissing her back. “We can do this, darling. We’ll be just fine.”

“They won’t hurt you. He won’t hurt you.”

“No one will hurt me.” You promise her as you’ve promised her many times before. “No one can touch me.”

“Except me.” She says.

And you laugh. Your little god. But it’s true. “Except you. Just you. Always you.”

“Please, Lena.” She whispers, calm, eyes soft, pleading and demanding at the same time.

She’s asking for so many things in that one word. _So many._ But mostly, you know, to have it be true—your words. To have your words to be true. Your little god asking you to promise her your safety. And you tremble. Because in this world she truly might as well be a god and she’s chosen you. _You._ And she’s asking to keep you. Asking to have you like you’re the one thing she wants, the one thing she needs. 

“You are.” She tells you simply, as though she can hear your thoughts. “You are, Lena. Don’t you know yet that you are?”

And the truth is you do know. You do. You have for quite a long while now. But you are back in National City, back in your brother’s kingdom, and there is a darkness inside you too. A darkness that would do exactly as she herself has said – destroy, annihilate, burn – any and all that would hurt _her,_ any and all that would attempt to extinguish her light, her fire. Especially if it were your brother. Especially, especially, _him._

“Love.” You say. “Hope. Trust. Faith.” You say it for _her,_ you say it for _you._ Because in this moment you both need the reminder. 

“Love.” She echoes. “Hope. Trust. Faith. With you, Lena, I have _everything. You are everything._ ”

“Let me make you forget them, darling. Let me make you forget everything outside of you and me.”

“Forever.” She breathes. “You’re all I need forever.”

Really, she’s all you need forever too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this story, creating this world, has kept me sane through the different stages of the pandemic as it ravaged our physical world. And while we've by no means triumphed against the virus still claiming countless lives all over the globe, life is nonetheless starting to normalize in many countries, cities and communities. 
> 
> Mine is one of them. 
> 
> This is currently the last chapter in this arc, there is no more written for anything immediately after these events. I don't know when there will be more, when there will be enough to warrant the next series of installments, but for those that have enjoyed this story and joined me on this journey, do know that this story does mean a lot to me and that I fully intend to get back to it in the coming weeks and months. 
> 
> Until then, I wish everyone well. Please try to fill this world with more light rather than darkness. Please be sensitive and compassionate to the plight of all those in need of aid and support. And please be smart and stay safe during these still very difficult times.


	47. OATP

**Of all the possibilities - 2020**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to divide the story into 2 parts as per the advice of a number of people. The _You, Me and the Sky_ arc ends this one and the next one will start off right after it. 
> 
> Also decided to keep and incorporate the illustrations for Chapter 29: You and Her. 
> 
> As this year comes to a close I hope you and your families are coming through it safe and whole. And as the new year begins I wish us all the courage and strength to persevere against whatever challenges and tribulations may come our ways. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who's joined me on this journey thus far, for letting this story be a part of your lives, for letting me know your thoughts and giving me a glimpse of your hearts and souls. 
> 
> Happy holidays everyone and stay safe!


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